February 01, 2006

I cannot believe it's already February. And a slow and dreary start to the month at that! It's been raining all day. The guards are being real jerks and even fighting amongst themselves.

I'm not sure, if I've explained this or not, but there are three guards posted on a "Pod"; two stay on the floor and are called "Rovers" and then one stays in the "Pickett" or control center.

So, this female guard starts being real bossy to this other guard and they start arguing with each other. Well, the female guard sees the other guard talking to an inmate and says, "Oh! Fraternizing with inmates! I'm going to report you to the sergeant!" And she runs off and tells on the guy! So when she comes back all the inmates start yelling at her, "Snitch! Snitch! Snitch!" I mean, they were talking so bad to her and yelling and screaming she ran off again crying. But I mean, hey, you shouldn't be telling on your own co-worker unless he's doing something illegal. This place is worst than a soap opera...

I got some really nice emails the other night, thank you, Mia! Your kind words really lifted my spirits! I'm glad not everyone is judgmental or is at least willing to hear a person's side of things!

Now that I've finally talked to Mary about things, I do feel a lot better. I do understand her side of things and like I was told in an email, we don't always get what we want, but always have what we need. It's very true. I will be blessed with Mary's friendship and she will always mean the world to me. I guess I'm kind of proud of myself too, because it's the first time I hadn't did something erratic to save the relationship. Wow. I guess, I'm growing up after all. Ha, ha.

Well, I was just moved to "A-Pod". It's real quiet and nice over here. I like it, but I'm pooped and I need to unpack. I just wanted to finish typing this up. Good night everyone!

February 02, 2006

Today has been pretty productive and I had a funny incident happen to me that I'll get to in a minute.

I just finished typing up a little biography of myself and this painter here on Death Row, because he had painted this gorgeous Jewish themed piece of work. We donated it to the temple I used to attend, but the congregation wanted a biography of the two of us. I'll send that out tonight.

I went outside and played some basketball winning 13 games to 2. Not to toot my own horn, but man… I'm good! Ha. ha. It's ironic, because in high school not only could I stand basketball, I sucked horribly. But now I love it. The day was beautiful. It felt just like spring with a high of 77°; I wish I could've spent all day outside.

When my neighbor and I came back in, we noticed that when we flushed our toilets they would kind of "Bump" and spit out a bunch of nastiness. Then someone upstairs flushed their toilet and all of a sudden our toilets started to flood. We started yelling and screaming for the guards to come, but they just ignored us. When we finally got a hold of a guard we tried to show him how our toilets would act crazy when someone flushed them… So he's standing out our doors and we flush. Nothing happens. We do it again. Nothing! A normal flush. So we yell upstairs for someone to flush their toilet. Nothing again. The toilets acted normal. The guard just looks at us like, you idiots… So I mumble, "Well, I feel like a dumb ass…" the guard just shrugged his shoulders and walked off. It was pretty funny looking back on it.

I plan on listening to the new season of "Survivor" on CBS tonight. I missed last seasons, but I think I'll get back into it this time around. I'm a sucker for certain "reality" shows… I'm only human!

I really like where I've been moved to this time around. I've got two really cool black neighbors on each side of me. Really decent guys. The general mood over here is pretty positive. I like it.

I suppose that does it for today. Almost time for dinner…

February 03, 2006

Friday… Today has been pretty uneventful. I've spent a book most of it reading titled The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. It's really good. I had been wanting to read it for awhile because I heard the author on NPR one day.

Other than that, I listened to KDOL and was hoping on a nice email from Mary but never heard one. I suppose her week has been extremely busy. I should get some mail later, which will be nice, but I have the strangest feeling that after we had our visit she's going to be more conflicted and pull away. Well, even if, I had some closure on the whole deal so I can put up with it. Actually, mentally, I've kind of just shut it out. I care of course, but if it all just falls apart I think I can deal with it. I think.

I heard that there are three executions scheduled for next week. Three in one week! I think two are back to back. That's just insane. It boggles the mind. Rumor has it around here is that there are about 45 people who's appeals have run out and are waiting to be given an execution date.

I'm not sure if people really know the whole process, but basically you're given three chances in the appeal process. Your direct appeal, your Write of Habeaus Corpus, which is kind of a checks and balance for the Direct Appeal, and then Your Federal Appeal, which basically is an appeal to make sure all of your Constitutional rights were not violated. In Texas the appeals' process lasts about 5 to 8 years. Once you've exhausted every appeal, and it's denied, you're given an execution date by the judge who sat over your trial. After that point you only have a few months left. They then isolate you from the other inmates and put you on a section called "Death Watch". On this section you are with others who were given execution dates. You can imagine the psychological implications this has. Watching each person being taken out to be executed and never to see them again. You are literally talking to a person and then they're gone, never to be seen again. Very sick. Very ritualistic. If this doesn't disturb any human soul, then maybe they don't have a soul or heart.

Well, no mail tonight. Try to keep your head up, Randy… Yeah, easier said than done.

February 04, 2006

Wow. Today was actually the first cold day we've had in awhile. I went out­side at about 7 in the morning. Man, I wasn't expecting it, but a friend wanted to go play some ball. The guard shows up and says, " Halprin, wake up! You're going outside in five minutes." I'm half asleep and so I jump out of bed, trip on my blanket, fall and bust my butt… Then I try to make some tea, and end up spilling hot water all over the place. I was not off to a good start.

When I came back in I got my shower right away, which was nice. It was a very hot shower! Loved it.

I didn't do much else the rest of the day. Just kind of lounged around until my neighbor asked if I could take a look at his radio. I don't mind helping dudes out. Besides, I wasn't really doing anything anyways. To be honest, I've been kind of depressed. I plan on going to be a little early tonight. I might catch the first half of Saturday Night Live.

Well, I'm going to tidy up my cell and get ready for bed.

February 05, 2006

Another slow day. It hasn't been terribly bad, other than this tooth ache I have. I'm still waiting to be seen by the dentist. Maybe I'll be seen this week. I sure do hope so, 'cause sometimes I feel like trying to pull the darn thing out myself! Argh…

I went to recreation this morning at about 7:00 a.m. I had a really good work out. I like exercising in the morning. Most people are asleep and you aren't interrupted to pass things for others. I don't mind passing things for people, but some guys can be really rude. Like if you're doing push-ups or whatever and a guy says, "Hey, Randy! Pass this stuff to so and so…" So, you yell back, "Hold on let me finish this set!" and then they get all mad because you didn't go get whatever it is right away. You avoid all of this, if you go out early enough. It's all politics.

When I got back in, my neighbor shared some magazine with me called TailGate; it's a truck/car magazine, and while I'm totally not into cars in general (my view has always been as long as it gets me to point A to point B…) But man!! The women in this magazine are hot! My jaw dropped and I couldn't close it back up. Whew. Very nice indeed. Ha, ha.

After that I took a little siesta (nap) and then got back up to catch the show on KDOL. I hope to hear from Josef and Mary, whom I didn't hear from either on Friday. Maybe today. The show is still on. After the show I will listen to the Super Bowl. I'm not a huge sports fan, but I like listening to all of the Championships. Especially college games. College sports are always more exciting and unpredictable. Pro sports you can usually figure out who will win. I'll be rooting for the Pittsburgh Steelers tonight! That was my grandfather's team.

I'll get back to this in a bit. Dinner time.

Uh, oh… Shame on me! I tried, I really tried not to eat meat tonight, but I broke weak… It was a chicken patty… It was talking to me… I'm so angry at myself… Ugh! I was very, am still very serious about being a vegetarian. Man, someone needs to slap me! Bad Randy!

I am going to go ahead and close here for the day. My tooth ache is distracting me too much. Peace!

February 06, 2006

Is it me or can woman sense you're no longer with a person? I could be crazy, but it seems some of these female guards have been extra flirty with me. Or maybe it's just because spring is around the corner. I don't know I just find it odd… But that's neither here nor there.

Today has flown by. I went outside today and it was little cooler than usual, but still pretty nice. My neighbor wanted to play some basketball and had a little bit of a game. Man, talk about some of the most intense ball playing I've done in a long time. We almost played fifty games; three of which ran into "overtime" what that means is if we both hit our tenth (the tenth shot is supposed to be the game winner…) shot at the same time, it rolls over to the first person to hit fifteen. He won two out of three on the overtime shots. But we were kneck and kneck the whole time. Right before the guards took us back to our cells, I was soooo close to tying the games up. He was at 24 games and I was at 23. I had the lead in the tie game and then the guards show up and throw my concentration off. He won. Argh! So the final score ended up being 25 games to 23… We almost played fifty games total. Do you realize how much running that is? It's insane and I am so sore. I've got a big nasty blister on my left foot, too. Yuck.

My neighbors have been teasing me about my vegetarianism. Like, I had gotten this candy corn from commissary and I had no idea it had eggs in it. My neighbor to the right of me says, "Hey, Randy, these have egg whites in it. You can't eat that!" So I read the packaging and sure enough it did. Of course he's like, "Well, since you can't eat them, just give them to me. They're yummy." Then, dinner was spaghetti and since I haven't gotten my vegetable tray yet, I had to take that. I picked around the meat – honestly! But my neighbors didn't believe me. The guy, I played ball with, says, "I know you're eating the meat over there. Put the fork down, Randy! Don't do it!" I yell back, "Hey, if you want I'll scoop all of the meat into a little baggy and you can have it, if you want it." You know what he says back? "No, then you'll be promoting the eating of meat and end up violating your whatever anyways!" I couldn't help but laugh. Nuts.

I don't know why, but earlier as I was reading this book called Yom Kippur, a go-go by Matthew Roth, it triggered these memories of my first kiss. The book is basically about this guy who deals with growing up Jewish and struggles with being religious and secular at the same time. There's a lot of things religiously that I dealt with as a kid, too. The book is hilarious though.

Anyways, my very first kiss happened on the night of my Bar Mitzvah. I was "going out" with this girl in my Hebrew class, named Shoshanna. She was very pretty, but a little odd. She was kind of the outcast in our class. I don't even know how I ended up going out with her, but I was.

After the Friday evening services were over her and I walked out to the playground and we were talking and she says, "Well, I want to give you your gift." Next thing I know we're kissing and it's wet and weird. All I could think was, "What if her tongue comes off…" Because she used to always tell our class that when she was younger she bit her tongue off and it was sewn back on. Once I got past the initial weirdness of it, I gave in and quite enjoyed it. I felt like the king of the world.

My brother Wesley noticed lip stick on my shirt later that evening and for some reason wanted to run and tell my mom. I didn't even try to wipe it off. I wore it like it was a badge of honor.

That year, somehow I managed to make out with every girl in my Hebrew class. I don't know why, when I look back on it, it seems strange. I'm still friends with one of those girls.

I'm extremely pooped now. I think I'll have a hot cup of tea and read a little more. Hopefully I'll have some mail and then after I listen to "The Tonight Show" I will crash out. Just as long as I don't have the weird dreams I had last night. Boy, were they strange.

February 07, 2006

Whew! Just got back in from playing some ball. I played my other neighbor and beat him up pretty bad. I'm ready for a rematch with the neighbor who (barely) beat me yesterday. Hopefully I'll get that chance tomorrow. It doesn't appear that they will move me tonight. I'm sweaty and need a shower, so I will close for now. Not much happened today. Peace.

February 08, 2006

Yes. Today is the big rematch. I should be going outside around six at night. We worked it out with the guards to allow us to go outside. It's been a warm day, so it should be perfect for playing some ball.

My friend David will be coming to visit with me tomorrow, and I'm excited about that. I have lots to discuss with him and it's always nice to get out of my cell for a period of time. It'll be cool.

My vegetarianism is going pretty good. It seems to get a little easier each day. I'm still waiting on my vegetable tray to be processed, but I hardly think about the meat that's on the tray, when I eat around it. I'm still being teased about it a lot, but it's all good.

Today I was thinking about life after death. I know it sounds kind of drab, but I've never bought onto the "Biblical" description of it. You know, choirs singing and people praising God all day long (Wouldn't God get bored of people praising him in heaven all day long? Kind of sounds mundane. Plus, God would have to be really narcissistic to want that. Maybe he'd like a comp­liment or two – who wouldn't… But I digress…). Pearly gates and golden streets. I never thought heaven would be so gaudy…

No, what I was thinking about is those we've known in our physical lives while on earth. Who will we see or meet? I think, what matters most is if there's such thing as a "Soul Mate", who will it be when we die? Who will be there? 'Cause you know, people do fall in love several times in their lives. And what about those who have had a husband or wife for years, and maybe one passes away and eventually the other still living may find some­one… and well, who'll they see – or to be more specific, who is the soul mate? I probably don't make sense, but if I feel a person is my soul mate and then I end up finding someone new, and then I die, who will I see in heaven? Or will we even care? Does true love die? Does it pass on, when we die? I know it all sounds crazy, but it just makes no sense. Doesn't life hold such mysteries?

Gotta get ready for the big game. I'll write more when I return.

OH YEAH!!! Man, I was on fire! I won 25 games to 20. I had one "Ace" game. Meaning I shot ten in a row without missing a single goal. That game counts as two games, so that just helped me even more. We had two overtime games. I was geared up and full of energy I wouldn't let myself lose. Even when I was starting to wear down. I just kept pushing. Now, my next challenge is playing the best on this pod. A Hispanic guy they call "Woody". They say he's a force to be reckoned with… Well, we'll see about that!

I'm sitting here dripping sweat and I feel nasty, so I will close this up and get my shower. I should sleep pretty darned good tonight, because I am worn out. Good night.

February 09, 2006

Today was a good day. I went outside and played Woody basketball at six in the morning. Uhhh… Damn, they guys good. I was tired from last night, but still he beat me down ten games in a row. He's so fast and accurate. Man! He barely missed a shot. I didn't have a chance. After we played those games, we did a little Yoga and Pilates exercise I kind of put together. He thought I was a little crazy, but once we started doing them, he liked them a lot and asked to see some of my books on it.

Right when I came in from outside, I was called for a visit. I had to take quick bird bath and get dressed. The day was turning out to be beautiful! When the guards were escorting me to visitation it felt so good outside. Oh, the things we take for granted! A fresh breath of air. A blue sky. Birds chirping. I miss the days were I could sit under a tree and take a nap or read a book or kiss a girl, rolling around on the grass.. Yes, these things pass through my mind even when I'm walking outside for only few minutes.

David and I (Did I get that right David? Ha. Ha. Inside joke between him and Me Or I Or whatever… He's an old English teacher, and well, it's hard to explain the joke…) had a real good visit. We bounced around on topics and talked non-stop for four hours. It was very empty down there, which was surprising, because usually it's always jammed pack. I enjoy my visits with friends.

One reason, I really enjoy my visits, is because I can be myself 100%. I can put up any "tough guy" facade I might have back here on Death Row. To be honest, I'm – or try to be – a pacifist. I don't believe in being aggressive even though, I can be "passive aggressive". I've got that down to an art. But, even though I am not aggressive and try to avoid conflicts, I'm not a push over either and will protect myself. Being in prison and survival is more mental than physical. You have to be a politician at times and you have to pretend to be tougher than you may actually be. Just so certain types of people will not try to take advantage of you or run over you. If you don't, you won't survive or will be forced to do horrible things…

So, when I go to a visit, I can let it down. I can cry. I can laugh. I can be gentle and loving. I can be myself. I've always called it my few hours away from this place.

I had a good time. Though, they always take an emotional toll on you and you can leave it very exhausted. Just like I am now. Well, tomorrow will be part two with David. Can't wait.

I missed commissary today, because I was gone, but it's no big deal. I was just waiting on more ribbons and writing supplies. I'm sure they will bring it back tomorrow.

February 10, 2006

What a change of weather!! Today was cold and very wet. We had a huge thunder and rain storm. Figures. That's Texas. They say "If you don't like the weather today, stick around it'll be different tomorrow", here in Texas.

So, I went to my visit, and it was as great as ever. It went by really quick, and this one guard, who is constantly flirting with me, was at it again. I told David (This was the one, who gave Mary and me a hard time on Thanksgiving…). So, at the end of the visit, she comes to tell David, our visit is over, and starts flirting with me through the glass… Even David said, "Yeah, I'd call that flirting." I'm like sheesh. She's doing it more and more each time.

I came back, and this dude asked, if I could fix his radio up, so I spent the afternoon doing that. Now I'm listening to the "Shout out Show" on KDOL, and my friend David is in the studio reading emails… He mentions, he might stop by the station. I'm glad he did.

WOW. that was a really sweet message from Mary. It put a huge smile on my face. Hmmm, wonder what this song, she dedicated to me, is about. It's called "Fast Cars" by Rascal Flats. I think that's a country music band. I'm not big on the country music, but I'm sure it's nice. I hope, KDOL will play it soon. You know you really care about someone, when even just a paragraph of words read over the radio, make your heart beat faster than normal. Nuts!

I think that does it for me for today. I'm pooped and just want to kick back and listen to the radio. Hopefully this weekend will go by quickly.

February 11, 2006

I don't know why, but today I have soooo much energy. More than normal. I've been going non stop, since I woke up this morning. But here's the odd thing… I've spent the whole day listening to country music! Yes, me. I can't believe it. And… I like it! I've heard lot of really good songs. Each one I heard, I tried to write the title down.

It all started from last night. I heard the Rascal Flats song "Fast Cars", Mary dedicated to me, but you know, the first time you hear a song, you don't catch all of the lyrics or don't necessarily understand the meaning of the song. It was nice sounding and had a pretty quick tempo, but it drove me nuts, that I didn't understand the song.

So, I put it onto a country radio station and waited to hear it. I ended up bouncing around the stations, until I finally caught the whole song, and while the lyrics are really about a woman (stuff about putting on, make up etc., which I don't do! I swear! :)), I got the meaning of the song, and it really touched me. But I was surprised at how many good country songs there were. Like this other by Rascal Flats called, "What hurts the most". Talk about a tear jerker. So, I may – just may – listen to country a little bit more. I can't believe it. I used to despise this stuff!!

Then, be proud of me… We had a chicken patty again today, and I DID NOT (!) eat it. I just had my tray given to my neighbor, who was more than pleased. I joked to him saying, "Don't blame me, if you get bird flu. You wanted the tray." Later on, on "Austin City Limits", I will listen to a concert from "Death Cab for Cutie", an excellent indie rock band.

February 12, 2006

I suppose, yesterday I just used up so much energy, that I ran out of gas. I stayed up and listened to a concert, and then some time after that, I just passed out. I woke up at 6:30 a.m. in kind of a daze. You know, like, "I fell asleep?" So, I crawled out of bed and began my day. I hadn't shaved since Friday, so I did that, then I did my laundry, that I neglected yesterday. That was fun! Not.

On Sundays they do this program on the public radio station called "This American Life". It's one of my favorite radio programs, because it's so unique. They take normal every day life and put this ironic twists into the stories being told. It's all true and done much like a documentary. I'll find out the web address, so that if anyone's interested in listening to it. I know for sure, most American public radio stations broadcast it, and kpft.org should have it, but it comes on Monday afternoons at 2:00 p.m. Central time.

Anyways, so today's program was about "Doomed Love", as an ode to coming up Valentines day, which is an American holiday about "Love". They told three "doomed" love stories, and it was the first one that just tore me up and had the tears flowing. It was about an Iraqi P.O.W. (Prisoner of War) in the first Gulf War. He ended up falling for an American female soldier, and she him, but ultimately they were separated. He promised to go to America and find her – which he did, but by the time he got a hold of her, she was engaged to another man. Whew. Talk about a heart breaker. I was hoping, it would be one of those Hollywood movie happy endings… Nope. Doomed love sucks.

Had a good work out. It was so cold today though, that I barely even broke a sweat. The high today was about 50°, but earlier it was only 29°. This is the coldest it has been all winter. I hope, it stays for a little while until spring comes. Spring hits Texas early March, and so it won't be long, until it really starts heating up again.

I'm going to focus a lot on writing some different events in my life this coming up week, that will be in the following pages. Some things I guess I just feel like sharing. Stay tuned!

February 13, 2006

Boy, today was almost more boring than the weekend. They decided to change how they do recreation around here. See, normally they allow us to leave our cells for recreation for about an hour each day. Every day. Now what they are doing is giving us two hours of recreation five days a week. Two days each week, we're not allowed out of our cells now. Figures that one of those days the section I'm staying on was not allowed out today. We were allowed showers and that was it. From what I understand is no one leaves their cell on Sundays now. I'm cool with that, because I don't do much on Sundays anyways and I'm always afraid I'll miss the first part of "The Shout Out Show" on KDOL, if I'm stuck out at recreation for too long.

My only complaint is that it kind of messes up my work out schedule. I normally work out every day except for Saturday and now I may have to take two days off depending on when they do showers. If we get showers at six in the morning, well, that's it. I really can't get all sweaty and nasty after that. Ugh. I'll figure something out.

I just got the latest Harry Potter book. My friend Josef surprised me with it and I was so happy. It's really good so far. I really like the fact that the author J. K. Rowling has allowed the characters to change and grow- along with the story plot. The story line hasn't grown stale because of this and each book seems exciting and new. A very difficult thing to do with serial novels.

Sigh… I was just thinking about how much of a sucker for love I am. I just remembered, Valentines day is tomorrow. In the U.S. it's kind of an unofficial holiday to celebrate love. Well, you could argue it was designed by big business to get us to buy a whole bunch of junk, but the idea behind it is, well, nice. This will be my first year in awhile without a real Valentine. Kind of sucks. I always enjoyed getting a card and all of that. I liked the feeling and the love… Today, a female guard was picking up our dinner trays and my neighbor tells her, "Happy Valentines!" and she smiles and says, "The same to you." Then she gets my tray and say's "Aren't you going to tell me Happy Valentines?" I kind of laugh and say, "Valentines sucks. Love sucks. But happy whatever anyways." I was kidding, of course, but, man, when you think of it in the context of my current situation, it does suck!

Still… It doesn't mean I'm any less of a sucker for it. I wonder if I will find love again? Is it possible in my situation? Is it possible to find some­one who can see past my limitations? I doubt it. I doubt if I could even put someone through it again or allow my heart to take that risk again. Once bitten twice shy. But I've been bitten about a thousand times. Ha. Ha. I guess it's all up to the dude upstairs. If he puts someone in my life, well, I suppose maybe, but really… I don't think I want it. Nah, that's a lie. I really do. Are you out there??????

I didn't get any mail on Friday so I'm hoping tonight. I'm kind of worried they might be holding my mail and monitoring it. It's been taking entirely too long to get mail lately. There's no reason they should be holding it. I've done nothing, but you can never tell what these folks are up to. My main suspicion why is that last night I was re-reading a letter Mary sent out the 31st from Livingston, Texas, after our visit. It took 6 days to get to me! And I noticed it had been double taped, meaning that the mail room got it, inspected it and then they tape it shut again. When they double tape it, it means someone else opened it back for whatever reason and then taped it shut again… But why would they be watching my mail? That's what's up­setting me. I've done nothing and for the past three years on Death Row, I've not had this kind of problem up until now. Argh!!! There's no telling. I guess that story is to be continued…

I guess I'll close this day by asking again: Will I find love? Are you out there????????

February 14, 2006

Happy Valentines day. Not very happy for me, but I'll be okay. This day has really gone bad. It started off this morning when I woke up feeling kind of depressed. I figured it would pass by, but it really on set in. I guess I was hoping to see Mary today, even though she said she'd probably not be able to make it. I would get these crazy thoughts of her in someone else's arms enjoying the Valentines and love… I'm nuts, I know.

Then later I was told I was being moved to F-pod. The pod I hate the most. It seems every time I'm at my worst emotionally, this is the place they move me to. They must have some sort of psychic guards who pick up on my bad vibes. Ha. Ha. So, I'm waiting to be moved and they pass the mail out. I got one letter from the director of the documentary being done. Guess what? That was double taped, also. Now there's no doubt in the world they're investi­gating me for something. It's ridiculous. And if they keep holding and messing with my mail I'm going to have to get my attorney involved. By federal law the mail room – and prison in general – is only allowed to hold onto mail for a period of no longer than 24 hours. I still haven't gotten a letter from Mary she mentioned she mailed out last Monday and it only takes two full days for mail to get to me from Dallas. It really aggravates the heck out of me to have no control of how the prison officials do things. And they can do them illegally, if they want to. What can we do? We're just inmates. However, the only card up my sleeve is that I'm a Death Row inmate so I have a little easier access to attorneys and the media. If things get out of hand I guess I will have to use that card. And no, I'm not paranoid.

See, they usually only investigate someone if they suspect them of being a gang member and, um, I'm sorry but I'm like one of the few Jews in the state of Texas in prison… I haven't known any Torah wielding raving mad Jewish gangs in prison. Sheesh. Are these people morons or what? The only other reason I can think of is some sort of security reason, but come on. That's stupid, too. I'm tired of running, so I wouldn't ever be foolish enough to try to escape. I've accepted my fate, should it be the worst. And all they have to do is come and search my cell. I've not got any contraband. Well, the only item that could be considered contraband is a home made speaker, but I don't think that's much of a threat. The guards look at it every day. I don't even hide it. Why would I? It's made of card board. Ridiculous. I guess 1'11 pray to the Lord that they don't harass me for very long. I don't need this with about of depression…

On a little happier note, I did go out and play some basketball today. I won 24 games to one. Not much of a competition, but I enjoyed running some of my stress off.

It's now a little after eleven at night and I'm very tired. The cell I've been moved to, is okay. At least it's quiet. There are some racist people over here, and I can't stand that. I can't stand people who hate, but I've only got a week and half or so over here. One of the benefits to being moved around. I never stay in one place too long.

I'm tired and I think I'm going to go to bed. Emotionally, my mind is a void. I've never felt more alone on Valentines than I do today, tonight. Whatever. My first Valentines in a long time, without Valentines. If my life was a movie, I'd be leaning against a wall and I land on my butt. The camera pans in for a close up shot of me, tears streaking down my face and then the screen fades to black…

February 15, 2006

Not feeling any better today. I'm still waiting to go to recreation and it's late in the afternoon. I think what I'm going to do is just work out and skip recreation and get a shower. It's only lower body today, so I can pretty much do all of that in my cell. I guess it depends on, who they put me outside with. Luck would have it, that this section, I was moved to last night, has an outside day today. That means I've cheated the system and get three this week. I feel special. Ah, the advantages of being moved from pod to pod.

I can't believe this month is almost over with. Just about two more weeks. And then spring! Well, it's pretty much spring already here in Livingston anyways. Today is going to get to 76°, or maybe it already is. I looked out my window and it looks really nice, but some rain clouds are moving in from the distance.

In my window, I can see the entrance of the prison, the parking lot, the side walk that I love to watch people walk down, when I get extremely bored. It's kind of my own personal ant farm. Plus, I can stare out the window for hours. Watching the cars go, the people. Seeing the horses and animals in the distance. My mind will wonder and drift and take me back to places I had long forgotten. Memories will pop up. All sorts of things.

Well, I'll write more in a bit. I need to go ahead and exercise. I've put it off for long enough.

February 16, 2006

Right now I'm listening to a speech on KPFT and eating a bean soup I sort of threw together. It's very yummy. I took some dried refried beans, then saved the pinto beans from the dinner tray. I chopped up a little bit of pickle and jalapeno and then put it all into my hot pot. I let it cook for about two hours, added a little black pepper and voila! It's really good. I surprised myself.

Today has been okay. I actually found a dude over here that I can talk to. He's pretty cool. They call him "Big Side". I thought today would actually suck, because I had gotten almost no sleep. My neighbor had been screaming out his door all night cussing out inmates and guards. Then about two in the morning, just as I was drifting off to sleep, the guards brought me some mail. Pretty much everything I'd been waiting on. It ended up on the last pod, I had been moved to. However, the mail situation remains pretty much the same. It's frustrating to have no control over that, but what can you do? You have no control in having any control! At least I got a letter from Mary. It was kind of odd, I guess because I'm still not used to not getting any "Lovey-Dovey" type mail from here. It's weird getting "friendly" mail, but I'll adjust sooner or later.

So, a funny thing kind of happened to me when I went to recreation. I was hit on by this gay dude! I had been working out, when this guy calls me to come to his cell. So I walk up to the bars and say, "What's up?" And then, he's like, "You sure are cute. Are you looking for a girl friend?" I'm kind of stunned/embarrassed at first and so I say, "No, I appreciate the compliment, but I'm not like that. I'm straight." He was cool about it, but every time I tried to do push ups and exercise he's make kind of flirty comments. What can you do? Ha. Ha.

I pretty much spent the rest of the day reading and writing. All in all, it was pretty uneventful. The days can be a whole lot of nothing. I'm amazed I ever have anything to say most of the time.

I suppose I'm going to read this popular science magazine now… Later!

February 17, 2006

Ugh. I completely forgot that this weekend is a three day weekend. Presidents day. I swear, the federal government will make a holiday for anything. I don't think a lot of our former presidents are worth celebrating (and one currently…) if you ask me… But I guess that's neither here nor there.

My attorney came to see me today. I was surprised, because I wasn't really expecting him to show anytime soon. My appeals are kind of on hold right now until after elections. We spent a little time discussing my parents… He really feels they're important to my appeals process, because as far as mitigating factors goes they could bring a lot of things to light; things that the prosecutors did everything to bury in my trial. Such as me being abused as a child etc.

I've had a lot of people ask me this, and my attorney brought it up again, too. About why my parents disowned me… All I can ever say is, I just don't know. I really don't. He kind of wanted to talk bad about them for doing that, but I did and always nip it in the bud. Despite what my parents chose to do with me and how to handle me, I refuse to talk bad about them. I love my parents dearly and despite everything that happened in 1996 I have no ill feelings towards them. I owe them a lot. Seeds that my father planted in me are sprouting now. Maybe a little late, but they meant best, and I refuse to believe otherwise. They gave me more than most kids get in a whole life time. I can't blame them for the choices and paths I took.

That doesn't mean I don't get angry at times. I do. I hurt at times for the choices they made. I don't understand how I could be so easily disposed of. But I still love them…

So basically my attorney wants to reach out to them and try to get some sort of cooperation out of them. It's a long shot, but who knows. I suppose it's all up to God, huh?

I listened to the Shout Out Show today. It was good. Had a couple of nice messages. Josef said a person wanted to know an update on the interview I did. Well, I recieved a short letter from the director/producer and said that I came out good on the film. Right now they are putting the story to­gether and other stuff. I am not sure, when it will be completed, but he said it takes time. However… If anyone is interested, I did do an interview about five years ago on the American television station ABC. It was for their news show called "Prime Time Live". I think you might be able to get a hold of the recording, if you go to abcnews.com and look for any stories on the Texas Seven, or look for my name in particular. I've heard that it came out very good, but a lot of the facts and details are wrong. Good luck.

I will keep an update every now and then on the current documentary, when I find out new stuff.

Hey! I just recieved some books and information from the animal rights group Peta. Very cool!

February 18, 2006

A cold, cold, cold front has come through. Finally! I woke up and it was freezing! It was about 28°. Now this is how winter should be! Love it.

Not a whole lot going on today. I don't plan on doing much. I wish I could come up with something to talk about, but nothing's there… My mind is in this fog…

February 19, 2006

Sunday. The most boring day on earth. It's still cold. I'm typing this with my jacket on because we have no heat. There's no recreation on Sundays now which really stinks and messes up my whole mind set. See, they come around at six in the morning for showers. Well, that's all good… I love showers, but it's also a workout day for me.

What do I do? I get a shower and then crawl back into bed, get back up at lunch, eat and then exercise. Now I'm all sweaty, but I can't get a shower so I have to bathe in my sink. Such fun! At least we have water in our cells, right?

Right now I'm reading this book I think everyone on earth should read. It's by Peter Singer called Animal Liberation. It talks about how huge corpor­ations for cosmetics etc., the military, and farms treat animals. This book will make you cry, if you have the slightest ounce of humanity. It's awful.

Well, nothing comes to mind to discuss so I will get back to this book and listen to the radio. Peace.

February 20, 2006

It's president's day. No mail, no nothing. Sigh… Fortunately I have much to do and it should keep me busy the whole day. I really don't feel like going to recreation so I probably won't. Why go to a section that I don't know anyone on or associate with anyone. I've already exercised so basically all I would do is walk around in circles like a pent up animal or something. Nah, I'll pass today. I'm just not feeling it. This two hour recreation really messed stuff up.

I thought about writing an open letter to my parents today, but I really have to think about all I want to say. It's very personal and to open myself up in front of the whole world like that… It's probably the hardest thing I've done. Oh, it will happen, when I can figure out what to say.

I was thinking about a funny incident that happened back in private school. I was about 17 years old and it happened around the time, that Theresa caught me in my first big lie. In fact, it was the same time, because it happened while I was suspended for three days.

The big plan was to watch this video of a concert of The Cure called "Show" in our dorm room. I liked to study concerts, because it gave me ideas on how to perform in a band, but also on how the music should sound live. So, Dan, my guitarist and roommate, and Demetrious, my roommate, were going to steal a VCR from the school building. Dan got scared and backed out, so I said I'd do it. We had every intention on returning the VCR back to the class­room as soon as we finished.

I knew a guy who was in charge of the high school building clean up crew and he was in charge of the keys to open the building. We talked and he said he'd could only leave the building open for about 30 minutes around 11 at night and then he had no choice but to lock the building back up. We set the plan into motion. Demetrius and I would take a backpack, slip into the classroom, James Bond style, and unhook the VCR, place it into the backpack, slip out, close the door and hall butt back up to the dormitory.

None of us applied Murphy's Law to the plan. You know, anything that can go wrong will go wrong…

Demetrius was a good roommate. He was black, but a lot of the other black students gave him the nick name "The Black Honkey". This always pissed me off when people, white and black, for giving him such a hard time, because of the way he was brought up. I only ever saw him as a cool laid back, stoner guy. Imagine your clichéd stoner in all of the movies… This was him. Down to the laugh and slow "Duuuuude…"

Inside the class room, as I was unhooking the VCR, Demetrius suddenly says, "Hey, Randy…! Check this bad ass fan out. We could really use it." I look at him dumbfounded. "Dude, all we're taking is the VCR. Come on, give me a hand." Then he picks up a stapler. "How about this? Can I take this?" Frustrated I say "Take whatever. Let's go!" To my amazement he starts throwing all sorts of different things from the teacher's desk into the backpack. Pencils, the stapler, a roll of toilet paper, paper clips. And as I'm leaving the classroom, he grabs the fan!

As we run madly back to the dorms, I keep thinking, "Why, the hell, does he want the fan???"

Safely in the room Dan asks, "Did you get the VCR? What, the hell, is the fan for?" Jason, my best friend at the time, looks at us like we're the stupidest guys on earth. "Man, I told him not to take it. Can you believe this guy? He grabs pencils and staplers and shit." I say, angry. Jason laughs. "Huh. Huh." Demetrius laughs in his toner way.
"It's not funny. If we get caught, it's gonna because of all this crap."
" Fine", he says like his feeling have been hurt. "We'll return it tomorrow."

On weekends at our school after one in the morning the T.V.'s aren't allowed to be on. The only reason we're allowed to have televisions in the first place is to play video games. And because our school was in the mountains, it was impossible to get a signal to watch T.V. And VCR's were not allowed.

Late at night the "dorm deans" would walk around on the outside of the building to make sure no lights were on in the rooms. They could also tell, if someone was playing video games, by the way the light would bounce around through the window. This meant we had to seal the window completely with a huge blanket and then also seal up our door to make sure, no light escaped off into hall way. Dan put the VCR in a suitcase and hooked it up, so that if one of deans did decide to check rooms, he could turn the VCR off and, a video game would be playing instead. At the most we'd lose the Nintendo for a few weeks for punishment, but if done right they'd be clueless about the VCR. Getting caught with the VCR could mean getting kicked out of school.

Everyone settled in to watch the concert. Things were going really smooth and appeared that we got away scotch free until I heard the slightest tinkling of keys in the hall ways. "Turn it off! Turn it off! " I whispered sharply. Dan panicked and turned the T.V. instead of the VCR. We all played possum hoping that whoever had the keys would pass our room up.

No such luck. The keys were now right outside our door. The doorknob was turning. The door was now open, and we were bathed in the florescent light of the hallways. It was Mr. Harold, The head dean of the boys. Oh, we were in some big trouble…

"I know you are all awake. Get up." He said turning on our room light. We all pretended to be woken up. Rubbing our eyes we all went, "Huh? What's going on? Why are you waking us up?"

"Well, a teacher called me up, saying she had gone to her classroom to get her fan and noticed it was missing. Then she noticed the VCR was missing, then she noticed her supplies were missing. I think I found the fan." He said grabbing it. Then he moved towards the T.V. and turned it on. The Cure concert was playing. I groaned inside my head. "This here is some mighty good reception for the hills." Mr. Harold said, "Who stole this tuff?" "I didn't do it!" Dan blurted.
"Well, you guys have ten minutes to figure out who did, or else you'll all be suspended."
Mr. Harold unhooked the VCR and left it on our desk. "When y'all decide, who did it, I want this and everything else you stole in my office. Ten minutes. The clock starts now." The door closed behind him.

"I can't be suspended!" Jason cried. "Look", I said. "I'll take the blame so long as Demetrius does, too. Idiot! I told you to leave the damn fan. We could've had the freakin' VCR back in the classroom tomorrow morning, but no, you wanted the fan so bad." I was fuming.

Demetrius grabbed all of the stuff he stole, and I picked up the VCR. We went to Mr. Harold's office and were suspended for three days to the yard crew, which meant we'd be picking up trash, cleaning out dead frozen rats from the school's kitchen freezers, mowing lawns. For twelve hours each day. Being suspended meant loss of free time privileges, meant that you couldn't hang out with other students. All you could do is work, eat and sleep.

It was the first night of this, that Jason confronted me with my biggest lie to Theresa. I couldn't really discuss the issue with her, because I could only talk to her few a few minutes in passing in the cafeteria. Though, it was my last day of suspension that after my work was finished, I snuck into the grill, a popular hangout and tried to work things out.

Dan teased Demetrius for about a month straight. He changed the words of the Jimmy Hendrix song, "Hey Joe" that went, "Hey, Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand…", to "Hey, Demetrius, where you goin' with that fan in your hand…" It was funny to hear him playing this on his guitar.

******

Sometime this week I'll right about another time I got suspended for getting caught in the girl's bathroom with my girlfriend, Daphne and her friend… Looking back, I had some really awful bad luck!

February 21, 2006

Well, today I half way expected a visit from Mary. I've sort of taught myself not be so disappointed, when she doesn't show. But she says, that it's not that she doesn't want to come, if she can't, there are reasons. I'm cool with that, but I miss my visits. You know, she's one of those people I always feel comfortable talking with. I don't have to put up any walls or be someone I'm not… But I guess that's neither here nor there.

Man, this cold front came in with a fury! One day we're having weather, that's near 80°, and now it's only 38°, crazy. On top of that it's been very wet. The heaters have been off, too. I've told you about the cells and how they retain heat and the cold. Thank goodness, we get these really warm blankets.

I thought I'd get moved tonight, but didn't. I really can't wait to be moved to another pod!

So, I wanted to tell the story of being caught in the bathroom with two girls at my school. No, I wasn't being naughty! Ha. Ha. To be honest, it shouldn't have happened – or I shouldn't have gotten caught, but I panicked and made a stupid move…

I had been taking a nap after school. Around 6 pm we have a thing called "free time", where we can hang out with the girls and such at various places on the campus. Because it was spring, the track and field was open up for free time also.

All of a sudden this kid is shaking my foot saying, "Randy! Randy! Get up, Daphne wants to see you at the chapel building." I'm kind of a zombie and not really paying attention to what he's saying, so I'm like, "Okay, tell her I'll be there in a minute." I get up and fix my hair and then start heading to the chapel building, when I realize, "Oh crap! She must have snuck over here…" What she had done is, when the group of girls were walking to the field, she snuck off from the pack with her friend to the chapel building.

I enter the chapel, and she's hiding in one of the hall ways. "What the hell are you doing?" I say. "You aren't going to kiss me? You're going to get on my ass?" So I'm like screw it. We shouldn't get caught, there was no around except for the students upstairs practicing for a play.

We start making out and things, when her friend said, we should go to the rest­room just incase any did show up. Once in the bathroom we just talk and goof around. All of a sudden we hear foot steps down the hall. They were getting closer and closer. I panic, and Daphne says "Get in a stall!"

Now here is where my stupid self got us caught… One of the stalls was missing a door, because it was being repaired. Guess which stall I jumped into? Yeah, the one without the door. I'll never forget this girls name… It was Heather Montgomery. In my year book my friend Josh had drawn horns and fangs on her picture. Ha. Ha.

Heather walks in and sees Daphne and her friend talking. "What all y'all doing here?" She snaps. They kind of giggle, and say, "Nothing". So far all is good. So long as Heather doesn't walk past my stall I'm in the clear. But no! She starts checking the stalls! My heart is beating, when she walks right in front of me and yells, "Get out! Get the hell out!" I say, "Uh, sorry…" And we all burn off across the chapel to the gym building. We hung out there for awhile and didn't really give Heather a second thought. After a little bit of time passed by, the girls snuck back to their dorm. We were in the clear.
Or so I thought.

Later that night I get called to Mrs. Smith, the disciplinary lady, and she starts drilling me with questions. "Were you having sex? What did you do? Who were you with. Do you want to be expelled" I try to explain, nothing happened, that yes, I was in the bathroom with girls, but we were just hanging out. "Well, you're suspended to the farm for three days, and you are no longer allowed to see/date Daphne. You have to break up with her or you'll be expelled. I couldn't believe Heather had snitched on us! Especially after all of the times I had seen her doing very naughty things with her boyfriend!

When my dad asked w hat all happened, I explained it to him. "Did you have sex?" "No, dad!" And he just laughed. He thought it was quite funny and basically said boys will be boys.

Daphne and I did break up,  and I was suspended to the farm. At the farm I peeled potatoes, shoveled cow and pig dookie, dug holes. It was horrible. I was only ever suspended to the farm one other time and that was for hang­ing out a two story window tied to a sheet. Just a prank we were playing until some fell and was hurt. All of the teachers were teasing us calling us "Repunzel". I actually had fun at the farm that time, 'cause I was with my friends.

Okay, good night!

February 22, 2006

Yea! I was finally moved to C-pod. I really like it over here. I even got some mail tonight. It's all very late getting to me, but something is better than nothing.

Not a lot really happened today. I'm very tired and I just finished cleaning this cell. It was very nasty. Ugh. I don't understand, why people can't clean up after themselves. It boggles my mind.

Well. I'm pooped, so I will close for now. Please, you all, be safe and take care!

February 23, 2006

Today was insane. The guard, everyone was calling a snitch that one day, was working over here. She was acting crazy, trying to enforce every single rule and policy – and telling the other guards, if they didn't do what she said, she'd tell on them.

At lunch time an inmate caught her tampering with the food and all hell broke loose. They made her go and replace every food tray, she messed with. They forgot to bring me a vegetarian tray, and she tries to force me to eat a regular tray. Of course I'm like, "Oh, hell no. Go get my tray or get me a sergeant…" Finally a sergeant came down and promised me a vegetarian tray­, which I did get around 2:45 pm. It was loaded with food, too! Yes, being passive aggressive can work!

Am I the only one who thinks, Natalie Portman is one of the most beautiful woman on earth? My lord! I was looking at a magazine with her on the cover, and my jaw about dropped. Then, Scarlet Johansen was inside – whew… Double whammy.

Not a whole lot of else is happening around this place. Peace.

February 26, 2006

Sorry I didn't write anything the last two days. It's been kind of boring.

Today has been alright. I had a good work out, and I'm still waiting on a shower. I spent some time while out in the day room preaching about being a vegetarian. I kind of have an obligation to so, now. So, then this one guy wants to be smart ass and tells me, "Well, you can't put an animal life over a human life…" I said, "You're absolutely right." Then he goes, "But you're on Death Row." "Yeah, but I didn't kill anyone…" "But you're here", he says. "And so are you." He didn't like that too much and stopped talking to me. The good news is, that I think I have someone interested. I let him check out some literature and such.

Right now I'm waiting for a shower and listening to KDOL. I hope I don't miss anything, when they take me to get a shower. It's a little after four pm right now.

Me and this dude big foot were talking about getting people to focus their priorities in the death penalty cause to the right issues. Why there are not protests outside on our unit, I just don't know. They have them in Huntsville, Texas, when there's an execution, but at that point it's little too late. Why not start making a fuss here? Plus, I'd rather see groups focus their resources on the right issues. Yes, conditions could be improved. However, saving a life is much more important. At least, I think so.

Well, I need to get this out. I pray and wish all of everyone, who reads this, the best. Peace.

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