Randy's Journal (February 2008)
Note to readers of these entries: There are many
grammatical, punctuation and typing errors. It would be incredibly time
consuming to go through each entry and correct the mistakes, so I ask
that the reader please forgive me of these errors. Each entry goes
through several hands in the process of getting my words from death row
to your computer screen in a timely fashion. Thank you for your
patience. I hope you will enjoy my writings.
2/1/08
February…Last year was the month of love and this year it's the
month of dud. So goes my life. Today has been kind of boring. I was
supposed to go outside, but the guard jacked me for my recreation. He
says I refused, but I told him that I hardly ever refuse and I'm never
in such a catatonic sleep that I don't know if I refused recreation or
not. We argued back and forth for a second and I said just screw it.
I'm feeling misanthropic today anyways. Huh? he said. Oh, my bad. Too
big of a word for you, I replied. I don't feel like messing with
people today. Good day, sir.
He looked at me perplexed and went about his business.
Yeah, some days just stink more than others. It's not that I want to
wake up feeling grumpy, but when you do crawl out of bed in a decent
mood someone can rain on your parade and next thing you know your day
sucks. Guess that's prison life. Strange that I'm not used to it.
I've been reading a book called Infernal Angel. It's the sequel to
City Infernal by Edward Lee, a horror writer and to be honest this
book is really awful. Whereas the first book was exciting and tight,
this book is all over the place with too loose of a plot. I'll finish
it only because I don't like not finishing a series, but man does it
suck. I really want to get to some other stuff.
Peace.
2/2/08
Today hasn't been too bad. Boring and slow, but I've started to
read another book called No Country for Old Men. It was recently
turned into a movie, and I had read a review that the movie was super
violent and, man, do I know why…this book is a blood bath. I mean,
it's not a hack job. It's a tight and very well written story, but
there's a lot of killing going on. I do suggest the book, though. It's
literature, not crap.
I went to recreation and walked around in circles and here in a second
I'm about to listen to the movie "War of the Worlds," the one with Tom
Cruise. I hope it's easy to follow. Sometimes listening to an action
movie is hard to follow because you can't see what's going on.
Peace.
2/3/08
Super Bowl Sunday…Giants won, just as I had hoped. I listened to
the whole game and while I'm not a huge football fan, I thought the
game was really good. I figured the Giants had momentum in their
favor. I mean, they beat the Cowboys and the Packers, and those
weren't rinky-dink teams. They just controlled the game. Everyone here
had been yelling so hard and loud…It sounded like a madhouse in this
place.
I finished No Country for Old Men. I didn't know that the movie had
been nominated for an Oscar. I wonder if it stayed true to the book. I
thought the book was really good. The only thing I didn't like was
that the bad guy was given no chance for redemption and as a reader I
wanted to know why he was the way that he was. He was ruthless. But
other than that, I enjoyed the book. Oh-I can say that there's no
happy ending. I like books like that.
Not much else going on. I'm winding down my day and I'm about to
listen to some British television on PBS.
Peace.
2/4/08
It's a warm and muggy day and we're stuck in our cells…Why, you
ask? Because we're on lockdown. What is lockdown? It's when we're
locked in our cells for two weeks. We can only get a shower on Monday,
Wednesday and Friday. And we get served three sack lunches a day,
which usually have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some raisins or
prunes and some sort of meat product. Which means two PB and J
sandwiches for me. Oh joy! During this time they go from pod to pod
shaking down cells and looking for contraband-drugs, weapons, plastic
containers, cell phones, etc. I figured it was going to happen sooner
or later. I just didn't think it would happen today. Oh well.
Wish I had more to write, but my brain is kind of dulled out.
Plop-plop, fizz-fizz, oh what a relief it is.
Peace.
|
2/6/08
I'm finally settled back in. What do you mean, Randy? Settled back
in from what, you ask? Remember a few weeks ago I wrote about being
pulled out of my cell to talk to an investigator about the possibility
of testifying for a guy who's mentally ill on death row? Well, I
honestly didn't think his attorney would subpoena me because I'm too
much of a hassle security-wise, due to my escape risk. Wrong. I was
subpoenaed.
It was about midnight Monday night when I was just about to go to
sleep. I took my headphones off and pulled my blanket up when all of a
sudden I heard a knock on my door and a flash of light in my face.
"Halprin! Halprin, get up. You're leaving. I need you to throw all of
your shit in some bags and get ready to go," a guard said.
"What? Where am I going? I'm not supposed to be going to Dallas until
the end of March," I said, confused. The guard said he'd be back with
some property bags and give me an answer. "Find out if I'm going to
Dallas or Austin, if you can," I asked.
About three minutes later the guard returned with red property bags.
"You're going to Austin to testify for Panetti. But I need you to
throw everything in these bags as quick as possible. They're coming to
pick you up in thirty minutes. What size clothing do you wear?"
"You're shitting me, thirty minutes?" I looked at all the crap in my
cell.
"Yep. I need to know your clothing size so we can put some free world
clothes on you for court."
"Man…I put on some weight so I guess I'm a 38 pants and an extra large
shirt," I told the guard.
"All right. I'll be back to get your stuff and let you try on the
clothes."
I began to frantically throw everything in bags. As I was packing away
the last bit of items the guard came back with the clothes. "Here, try
these on. I couldn't find an extra large shirt, so this is going to
have to work and these pants are a size 36. Sorry, it's all they had
in the chain room." ('Chain' is what they call it whenever you go back
to county jail or to another prison, because they chain you up.)
The shirt was an auto mechanic shirt with the name patches removed.
"You're joking, right?" I asked the guard.
"It's all they had."
"I can't wear one of my own what t-shirts? It looks nicer than this.'
"Nope."
I put the shirt on and it fit-barely, and then I put the pants on. It
was a snug fit, but it worked. I looked like a clown with nice navy
blue Docker's pants and an auto mechanic shirt. The guard took the
clothing back and said they would return to strip-search me in a few
minutes. While I waited I made sure I didn't miss anything in the
packing process. I was kind of excited about leaving this place, but
little did I know about the hell I was about to go through.
When the guards came back I stripped for them and they told me to put
on my jumper. They handcuffed me and opened my cell door. One guard
grabbing my property bags. They took me to a room out in the hallway
and told me to strip again. I complied and then they handed me the
clown suit. While I got dressed they brought another inmate into the
other side of the room. There's a glass divider that separates the
strip-search room and as I got dressed the other inmate was going
through the same process. After he got dressed I said, "You going for
Panetti, too?"
"Hell, yeah. I was asleep when they told me I was going."
We waited for a few minutes and made small talk. I told him I thought
that the Austin police would probably be coming to pick us up. I
didn't expect TDC guards to drive us all the way down. Of course I was
wrong. Two mean looking officers showed up with a ton of chains in
their hands. One guard ordered me to strip out. "They just stripped us
out and told us to get dressed," I protested.
"I don't care. Get out of 'em."
I got undressed and went through the process again, open you mouth,
lift your arms, lift your nuts, turn around, spread your butt cheeks,
show me the bottom of your feet, get dressed and then get down on your
knees.
I got on my knees and the door opened behind me. The escort guard
walked in, chains clanging loudly. I felt him put leg restraints
around my ankle and then attach another chain to the mid-section of
the leg shackles.
"Stand up and turn around with your hands out," he said.
I stuck my hands out and he handcuffed them, then slid a black
security box over the mid-section. This locks the cuffs and keeps you
from being able to move your hands around. He then took the chain that
was attached to the leg shackles and ran it up and through the slot in
the black box. He pulled the chain tight which then caused me to bow
down. He locked the chain in place.
After the other inmate was chained, a group of guards led us outside
to the van sally port and into a van. The night was warm and muggy. I
looked up at the sky as I got into the van, wondering if I'd be able
to see any stars on the drive.
Inside the van is divided by steel mesh. Basically a cage within a
vehicle. I hunched down and walked into my side of the cage, handcuffs
and leg shackles already tearing into my skin. A door slammed behind
me and was locked. Then the other inmate stepped into his side of the
cage and the door was locked.
"How long do you think it'll take to get to Austin?" he asked.
"Dude, I've never been through Austin, but it can't be that long of a
drive. Maybe an hour and a half or so. I guess I won't be sleeping
today.
The cage side of the van is so narrow that there was no room to move
around. Our only view was out of the back windows, as the side windows
were welded over with steel. You could see out of the front window,
but barely because of all the mesh. We pulled away and the journey
began.
At first I was full of excitement. I hadn't been out in the 'world' in
over four and a half years. I hadn't seen street lights, new cars,
stores and buildings in years. It may have been midnight and difficult
to see anything, but driving through Livingston, I took in everything,
gas stations, closed diners, a grocery store, bright neon lights
reflecting off the back window like a heavenly glow.
There were long stretches of nothing and it was too cloudy to see the
night sky and I was disappointed that I couldn't see any trees or
anything of that nature because the long country roads were too dark.
After about forty minutes of bouncing around in a small cage and
shackled I start to feel my body cramp up. I couldn't stretch out
anything and the cuffs were really biting into me.
When we got to the Huntsville city limits the van began to slow down.
I thought we'd drive straight through the city and onto Austin, but
instead they drove us to the Byrd Unit, the prison system's main hub.
The other inmate asked me what I thought was going on and I just
shrugged and said, "Maybe a police car is going to pick us up here
instead." The van sat in a parking lot for almost forty more minutes.
It was about 3:00 A.M. By this time and I was tired, hungry and in
pain. "All of this to help a guy out," the other inmate said.
"Yeah…" I trailed off.
"Man, the first thing I'm going to ask for as soon as we got out of
this van is something to eat."
"I feel like an idiot, but what do they call you? I'm too tired to
remember," I asked the other guy.
"Dough Boy," he said.
"That's right. My bad, man. Are you in pain over there?"
"Shit, yeah."
"Man…"
A few minutes later the van pulled out of the parking lot and drove to
a small building on the unit. The back of the van opened and we were
told to get out. Thank God, I thought. I'd be able to stretch.
We went inside the building and a sergeant asked if we needed to use
the restroom. They took the shackles off of us and led us in to piss
one at a time. When I came back out I was told I needed to be strip
searched again. I went through the process again and then had the
shackles put back on me. The guards led me back to the van and I
asked, "Is it possible we can get breakfast?"
"Sure," one of the guards said and ran off to get a lunch sack.
Inside the cage I struggled to maneuver my hands to dig inside the
bag. I felt some greasy meat and thought, damn, freakin' chicken. Now
I'm really going to be hungry. Fortunately there was a cheese sandwich
in the bag too.
Let me share with you how difficult it is to eat with handcuffs that
have a black box that keeps you from being able to move your hands.
You have to reach into the bag by having one hand going sideways. You
kind of lower the hand into the bag and you have to clench the item
you want to grab and then bring your hands and arm up to your mouth
and eat like a freakin' caveman, just kind of stuffing it into your
mouth. Dough Boy had more trouble trying to peel the meat from the
bones of the chicken. "I feel like a freakin' retard," he said.
They pulled away from the unit and we were back on the road. Only this
time I noticed there was another TDC van following behind us with
three guards loaded down with shot guns, rifles and pistols. "Do you
feel special?" I asked Dough Boy. He laughed.
We drove for another hour or so and I kept thinking that Austin just
couldn't be this far away. Of course, I was wrong. By the time we
actually got to Austin, the sun was beginning to rise. When we were
close to downtown we hit rush hour traffic, which stalled us for
another forty-five minutes. I was paralyzed by this point from cramps,
though I wasn't tired anymore. I was mesmerized by all of the life,
the cars, the people, the metro buses that shot by our van in whirs of
green or sometimes yellow.
I didn't know that we were going to a federal courthouse to testify so
when we finally got downtown we drove right by the state courthouse
and drove a little more to the Federal Building. I looked out of the
back window as beautiful women dressed in skirts and suites walked by
on the sidewalks.
"Now, this makes it all worth it," I said to Dough Boy.
"Hell, yeah," he agreed.
We went down some small back alley and pulled up to a gate. There was
a speaker box and I could hear the driver talking with someone. The
gate began to move and we drove into a back dock of the federal
courthouse. We had finally arrived.
We waited a few minutes more for some U.S. Marshals to take us into
the building and when they showed up we were allowed to get out of the
van. We then went inside the building into a caged elevator. Dough Boy
and I stepped into the cage, they locked it and the elevator began to
move. We were taken to a floor that had cameras everywhere. A few more
U.S. Marshals passed by us in the hallway and then we stepped into
another elevator-this time without a cage. The elevator stopped moving
and we stepped out into a hallway that was steel plated from floor to
ceiling and we stood in front of a large steel cage, state of the art,
cameras, microphones, everything electronic. The cage opened and then
one of the marshals asked if we were both caged together would we have
any problems. No, Sir, we both replied. All of our chains were removed
except for the leg shackles and the cage door closed behind us.
"Have you ever seen the movie 'X-Men'?" I asked Dough Boy as I was
stretching out my cramps.
"Nuh-uh."
"Well, at the end when Magneto is locked up he's in a cell that looks
just like this. Only instead of everything being polished steel it's
all glass. This is some state of the art stuff right here."
I thought we'd only be waiting a short while until we were taken to
the courtroom, but once again I was wrong. I told myself to stop
thinking. We sat for a couple more hours when lunch arrived. I was
famished. The Marshal handed us each a big lunch sack and I peeked
inside. I noticed two ham sandwiches and told the Marshal, "Uh, Sir, I
know that I'm in no position to ask for anything, but would you happen
to have a vegetarian sack-anything?"
"Yeah, we do," he said, surprising the hell out of me.
"This is the feds. We do everything proper around here. We get
prisoners with religious diets and all of that. You'll have to wait a
bit longer 'til I get it." He asked for the sack lunch and
disappeared. About fifteen minutes later he showed up with another
sack. I peeked inside and was astonished to see a garden salad in a
small plastic bowl, a Capri sun fruit juice, an orange and a cookie.
"What'd you get?" Dough Boy asked, happily stuffing a ham sandwich in
his mouth.
"Man, the Feds have it goin' on around here," I replied.
Panetti's lawyers arrived and spoke with both of us. They told me that
there would be questions about his mental state on death row, what I
had seen, etc. Then he said we would be testifying on Wednesday.
"Huh?" I said in disbelief. Another day of…this? I was thinking. The
attorney explained that they were dealing with the experts today and
our testimony was postponed. I told him it was fine (even though I was
really upset) and I was taken back to the cage.
When Dough Boy returned we both speculated on whether they would take
us back to Polunsky or leave us here. "I don't see them taking us all
the way back," Dough Boy said.
"Yeah, well, I don't care so long as I can get some sleep." I
stretched out on the steel bench and closed my eyes. I guess I was
asleep for about an hour when the Marshal showed up and told Dough Boy
that the judge wanted us to testify right now. "Thank God," he said
and left to go to the courtroom. About thirty minutes passed and he
came back. "Your turn," the Marshal said.
They put handcuffs on me and walked me down a hall and into an
elevator. Then I stepped out and into a hallway with lots of flags and
then into a very large courtroom. The judge told the escorts to have
me sworn in for testimony and I repeated the oath. Then I was walked
to the witness stand. I sat down and the judge asked me repeat my full
name. I did and Panetti's lawyer began asking me questions.
I gave examples of Panetti's behavior and how it was not normal. I
told how he stands in the day room and preaches and I told how some
inmates and some guards would pick on him or rile him up. His attorney
finished with me, and then the prosecutor asked a few more questions
about his behavior and then: "Isn't it true that you killed a police
officer?"
"No, sir, I did not shoot or kill him."
"Okay, well, isn't it true that you escaped from prison and were with
a group of men who killed a police officer?"
"I was there, but I did not kill anyone."
"Well, didn't you escape from prison because you didn't feel you
received fair punishment?"
"Objection, your Honor! Relevancy?" Panetti's attorney shouted.
"I agree. Sustained. What's your point?" the judge asked the
prosecutor.
"I'm done with the witness, your Honor," the prosecutor said.
I was taken out of the courtroom and back to the cage where the TDC
guards were waiting on us. They shackled us back up and took us out to
the van. As I was walking back I was thinking about the last questions
the prosecutor asked and how they seemed designed to throw me off. I
felt that maybe the prosecutors who are handling my case might have
put him up to throwing those at me to see how I responded. Maybe I'm
paranoid, but they just came out of nowhere. I found it very strange.
Dough Boy said they never asked him anything about why he was on death
row.
We got back into the van and drove back out of the back alley and out
through the downtown Austin streets. Beautiful women everywhere. Deep
within I had a longing of companionship. I felt so completely lonely.
There was a couple waiting to cross the street and I watched as they
embraced and kissed for a second. My heart wrenched.
The ride back was more of the same, but the thing that stands out the
most of the entire trip happened while we were riding down a long
stretch of road. On both sides there were leafless trees and in the
distance just over the tree line you could see the most beautiful
sunset. A huge glowing orange orb pressed against a purplish blue sky.
There were no clouds, just this beautiful sun burning itself into my
eyes. I blinked for a second and could still see the sun.
"Beautiful sunset, huh?" I said to Dough Boy.
"Yeah," he said.
"You know," I said, "seeing women and life and all of this, it's
awesome, but this sunset, this is what truly makes this trip worth it.
Plus, I feel like I helped to save a guy's life today. That makes me
feel good."
It was close to nine at night when we arrived back on death row. I
turned in my clothing and was taken back to my cell. I was so tired. I
hadn't been asleep for almost 40 hours. I ate dinner, got some
toothpaste off my neighbor because I couldn't get my property until
today and then I went to sleep.
I got up for our shower (we're on lockdown) and crawled back into bed
until around noon. Then I finally received my property (check out my
inventory slips here:)
(To enlarge: please click the pic!) |
I went through everything and made sure nothing was missing. And then
cleaned up my cell.
I was told that my mail from yesterday was returned to sender so if
any of my friends have written and you received a returned letter, I
have not gone back to Dallas yet. Still write to me here. Sorry about
that.
It's evening time now and I just got caught up on yesterday's "Super
Tuesday" primary elections. Interesting stuff. I suppose the rest of
the evening I will get caught up on reading and just relax. I'm sore
as hell from being shackled up all day yesterday.
Peace and love.
|
2/7/08
Good Lord, is this lock down boring, and I can't even get some
freaking sleep because two guys on two-row are arguing back and forth.
Though, I did just hear the most creative use of the word "bitch."
It went a little something like this, "Yeah, well, you's a ho sucker!"
"I'm a ho? You's a bitch-ass bitch, BITCH!" Good ol' prison life.
I had no intentions of writing any entry today, because honestly
there's been nothing going on. But since I can't get to sleep because
of the two yahoos upstairs and I can't seem to get my trip to Austin
out of my head I guess I'll write a little more about that.
One of the cool things about going on this trip was just seeing things
people take for granted and probably consider mundane in their every
day life, like all the cool cars. Now, I'm not really a car person,
but I had never seen a Volkswagen Beetle up close-well, the new ones.
I have seen them in advertisements and always thought they were kind
of cool, but to see one pull right up behind me in that van was wild.
I didn't know they were so tiny! I saw a Mini-Cooper, which was cool
and some other nice cars.
Seeing downtown Austin was nice. Seeing banks with their flashing
signs that gave the time and temperature was something I haven't seen
in seven years. I got a glimpse of the capital building, which I had
never seen before. The smell of fast food restaurants. That familiar
smell of McDonalds French fries. I took everything in. Dough Boy was
practically drooling at the smell he perceived to be fried chicken.
Trees, even though most of their leaves were gone and the limbs bare.
Some patches of green grass and even the occasional flower. A guy
walking down the street seemingly talking to himself until I noticed
the ear piece in his ear and a cell phone clipped to his belt. I felt
like I was a stranger in a strange land. As uncomfortable as the trip
was, it was worth every second of it. When I close my eyes, as I try
to lie down and sleep I can still see the road shooting behind me.
Peace and love.
2/8/08
Friday night and it's about 8:52 P.M. They just passed out mail a
few minutes ago and I received some very nice emails and one that was
a little…surprising. It was to my friend and about me and well…it kind
of hurt because this person is dear to me, but apparently…eh, well, I
don't want to be mean. All I can say is it made me think about why
people cannot just be straight up or honest. I know that I was once
one of the world's biggest liars and, hell, even half the time I never
understood why I would lie or not be straight up to my friends and
family, but it's one of those mysteries. And now after doing my best
for the past several years to be as honest as possible I feel
disappointed and betrayed that some cannot be honest with me. I guess
it's my own karma slapping me in the face and I should get it, but I
don't. I just don't. What's so hard about being honest?
I'm being vague, I know. I'm just talking to myself.
Man, three weeks since I had the flu and I still cannot shake this
cough. It comes in spasms and is driving me nuts. I had the same thing
happen to me about three years ago. I got real sick and then coughed
for a month after. Maybe I should go to medical or something. I'm just
too stubborn and hate going through the hassle. It's funny because the
medical personal always dismiss most inmates of their ills because, as
they put it, "They're just faking it for attention," but if you knew
how much of a pain in the ass it is to get to medical…They usually
pull you out at five or six in the morning and chain you up like a
beast and walk you to the infirmary only to have the P.A., who's not
even really a doctor in the first place, tell you, "Oh, it's nothing a
little Tylenol and water won't help." Okay, yeah, I just want
attention…For that? Sheesh.
Another boring day here. A guard said that we'd probably be on lock
down for about three weeks, so this tells me they are really searching
the heck out of this place. This will have been the longest lock down
since I've been on death row.
It's time to listen to "The Prison Show" on KPFT (or kpft.org on
Friday nights from 9 pm to 11pm Texas time).
Peace.
2/9/08
It's Saturday afternoon and we've just been handed our last meal
of the day. It's weird when you spend the whole day in anticipation of
the next meal, but what else is there to do while on lock down?
The sun is beginning to set and I'm wrapping up my typing for the day.
I've been sitting here for the past seven hours, type-type-typing
away. What fun! Actually, it's allowed the day to go by super fast.
When I finish this entry I plan on putting on my radio and listening
to Rice University in hopes of catching some good music until a movie
comes on at seven and then I will listen to "Charlie and the Chocolate
Factory." No escaping my dorkiness. I hope that it's good. I'm a huge
fan of the original movie with Gene Wilder. I love musicals…I can'
still remember most of the songs from that movie. And what lyrics I've
long forgotten, the melodies still live. In fact, as I type this I'm
humming Veruca Salt's song, "I want the world! I want the whole
world…" Geeze, I just nerded out there, didn't I?
All of these peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and raisins are
tearing my system up. Ugh. It seems like every twenty minutes the
toilet beckons me. Nasty, I know, but geeze…I think they put something
in them. Or it could be all of that oil. It feels like I have
dysentery. Ugh. Too much information? Sorry, I'm just trying to fill
copy.
Time to kick back and relax.
Peace.
|
2/11/08
Another day on lock down. They haven't even begun to do their cell
searches on the death row building which tells me this will probably
drag out until the end or tail end of the month. It's incredibly hard
to stay busy in your cell 24 hours a day. You can read, listen to the
radio, listen to TV on the radio (but one can only take so much of
Judge Judy, Oprah and Dr. Phil during the day time…), pace back and
forth or stare at your wall and daydream. You begin to understand how
a tiger at the zoo feels when you see it walking from one part of his
cage to the other.
Today I've felt incredibly lonely. I know, poor me. It comes and goes.
I think the trip to Austin kind of fueled those passions-where you
want to be free. You want to have a normal life. It's easy to get
attached to the material wants and while I know that being out in the
world is not true freedom, you want that feeling of belonging. It's
more this wanting to walk into a store or drive a car. You want to be
amongst friends. You want to hug or shake hands. You want to embrace
someone. That's why I'd make a horrible Buddhist. I can't let go of
those things. I think they make me more human. I don't mind
sacrificing a deep inner peace for those longings-even if they torture
me at times. I'd rather feel than feel nothing at all.
Right now it's raining outside. It never stays away for too long.
Peace.
2/14/08
Nothing like having a Valentines Day in which every item you own
in your measly existence is gone through with a fine tooth comb…Yep,
today was the great big shake down day. I really didn't think they
were going to get to this pod until Saturday, but they skipped C and D
pods and jumped down to E and F pods. I thought the guard was full of
it when at five in the morning he was walking from cell to cell
saying, "Pack up all of your junk and make sure your name and number
is on everything…" I rolled over and thought, yeah, right. It's too
early. I fell back to sleep and then around 6:30 A.M. guards from
everywhere began to yell, "Shake down! Shake down! Have everything in
bags. Make sure your property papers are near your electronics and
your name is on everything." So much for sleeping in, I thought. I
crawled out of bed and began sorting through my stuff. Some guards set
up long tables in the day room and after giving us thirty minutes to
have everything in order they began to pull out inmates one after the
other like an assembly line. They put the inmate in the shower, which
is directly across from the day room and you watch as they attack your
property like army ants. They flip through the pages of your books;
they run metal detectors over your clothing, linen and shoes. Things
they deem trash get thrown away. No point in arguing that it's of
importance because if it's trash to them, it's trash. Jars, water
bottles begin to grow into an earth polluting pile. All in all, I
didn't do too bad. They took my water hose, but where I had one I can
get another.
Hopefully this means that the lock down will be over by Monday.
Peace.
2/16/08
It's a very stormy day here at Polunsky, but…we're off lock down.
Woohoo. I went to recreation a short while ago and walked around and
stretched my legs. It was nice to get out of the cell.
Not much else is happening. I'm about to listen to a movie called
"Miracle" about the U.S.A. hockey team beating the Soviet Union in the
1980 Winter Olympics. I hope it's good. I know nothing about hockey,
really, but I love those bio-pic-type of movies.
Peace.
2/17/08
Laundry day and reading day. The sun is out and it's really bright
in my cell. I'm about to pick up a book and listen to a radio show.
The movie was really good last night.
Peace.
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2/19/08
Today was a nice day. I was able to go outside and get some fresh
air while the sun was high and bright. It would've been perfect for
basketball, but my neighbor didn't play ball so we just walked around
and talked.
My neighbor is in a gang, but he's a good guy at heart. I asked him
why he was in a gang and he said for the feeling of "brotherhood."
It's kind of sad that there are so many people in prison who are the
same way, when they don't realize how this false sense of security and
camaraderie can affect their lives.
He's going to be released soon and I asked him what he planned on
doing. He said there's really nothing for him to do except to go back
to what he was doing, which was making and selling drugs. I told him
how people in my situation sit back and really root for those who are
released to be successful and to get back on their feet and prove
society wrong. I told him it really pisses me off when I hear that
people continually come back to prison. I feel that the state does
share in the responsibility to some degree because they offer almost
zero programs for a person to rehabilitate himself, but I also feel
that those who are getting out have to take the initiative to better
themselves. You might only be working at a Burger King, but to me that
would be better than risking my freedom selling drugs.
He said that he knew this was his life and it was pretty much too late
for him to turn around. "Randy, I've been a criminal all of my life.
It's all I know. All I want to do is make enough money to take care of
my daughters and when I get busted I'll know that they'll have enough
money to go to school and such."
"Don't you think that they would rather have their father than
whatever money you might leave behind?" I asked. I just couldn't
believe that someone would choose to continue on the same destructive
path than be with their family. I got angrier. "Dude, you have your
family by your side. You have so much and if you really want to you
could change your life. I see a good person in you. Look at me, I
don't have shit, no family, nothing. I would do just about anything to
have half what you have. But you're going to piss it away…"
He just kind of looked at me and said, "You're right. I forget that I
always have it better than someone else."
"It's not just that," I said. "I mean, I'm blessed. Don't get me
wrong. But family, to have that, I would die for it. You have two
daughters, an ex-wife who is still in your life, a mom and dad. I'm
just saying that you shouldn't be so selfish. So what if being a
criminal is all you know. Go someplace and tell them you want to
change. I think if you're sincere enough someone will help you get on
your feet so that you don't have to resort to selling drugs. If you
won't do it for yourself, do it for you kids, man."
We talked for a little while longer until it was time to go back
inside. I can only hope that some of what I've said sunk it…
Right now it has started to rain. There's still a little light outside
and when I look out my window I can see where they were doing some
work installing those huge stadium lights (that they've yet to fully
complete installing) and the ground that they tore up is turning into
a pond of mud.
It's time to call it a day, pick up a book and listen to some radio.
Peace and love.
2/20/08
Today was kind of boring. I've just been reading and writing all
day long and now I'm listening to "Big Brother 9." Yeah, I'm hooked.
It's like a soap opera. More like crack. You know it's bad for you,
but it hooks you…This is my life.
I've been on this pod for three weeks now and I think it's going to be
a month. I'm going for a new record. Yeehaw.
I'm a bit excited because my friend is coming to visit tomorrow and
Friday and I hope that he and will have a good visit.
Peace.
2/21/08
Visitation day. I always love visits because it's the one time you
can spend time with true friends and just get your head out of this
place for a while. It's always emotionally exhausting because of the
love and emotions expressed, but it's worth every bit.
My day started at six in the morning when I got up, exercised and got
ready. I figured he'd be here around eight in the morning and I was
right. I was called on the intercom to get ready and so I waited for
the guards to come and pick me up. It was wet and humid when we
stepped outside of the death row building.
The visit went well and I waited to come back to my cell after four
hours. When I came back I was told to get ready for recreation, but
then the guards never came back to get me so I just gave up on waiting
and took a little nap. By the time night came and it was time to got
recreation I just skipped and anticipated the day of visits.
Now it's time to call it a night and go to bed.
Peace.
2/22/08
It's always sad to see a friend go. I had a great visit today and
I cherish this time with my friends. I only get a visit once every
couple of months, so you can never really get enough time.
As I was waiting to go back to my cell I ended up having a
conversation with one of my co-defendants. I hadn't talked to him in
years and he asked how my appeals were going. I told him well and he
asked why I had not asked for an affidavit from him. See, up to this
point and for almost eight years now he has refused to give any sort
of statement, so I said, "Joey, you've refused to do anything. You've
not even helped yourself."
"Well, I want to help you if I can," he said.
"Are you willing to testify on my behalf if I have my lawyers call you
back to Dallas?" I asked.
"Yeah."
"What's the motive, Dude?"
"Nothing. You shouldn't be here."
"All right," I said. "I will write my attorneys and tell them ASAP
that you're willing to help. You know they have to get permission from
your lawyers first so be sure to tell them what you're agreeing to."
We talked a little bit longer and then he was escorted back to
wherever he is staying. This is a huge event because this will
officially make it four guys out of five (excluding me) who are
willing to say I didn't do anything in my case.
I sat and waited for a little while and ended up talking to another
guy who told me that my buddy Jose Moreno, who wrote that article
about his near execution was given a full reversal on his case,
meaning he could now either receive a new trial or be given a life
sentence. This is great news.
All in all, it was a pretty fantastic day.
Peace and love.
2/25/08
It's sunny but humid day today. I'm locked in my cell because we
have no recreation on our section. I've been typing away and in a
pretty good mood. I had a good workout with my neighbor and now I'm
just killing time. Not much is on my mind. I'm just sort of floating
through the day.
Peace.
2/26/08
It's 9:01 P.M. and I just finished listening to my dose of "Big
Brother 9." Man, that was a good one. Definitely nail biting because
two women ended up having to be rushed to the hospital. One, for an
allergic reaction and the other for a diabetic attack because she
wasn't eating right. Scary stuff.
The day was slow, but at least I got to go out. It was cool, but the
weather was beautiful. I jogged and walked around. I would've liked to
play a few games of ball, but my neighbor doesn't play so we just
talked.
I'm hoping I'll be moved to another pod tomorrow night. I've been here
for four weeks. An official new record, but it's so damn noisy. Even
now it sounds like a madhouse. Death row pods are so peaceful and
quiet, which goes against Hollywood movies of madmen thrashing about,
but…AD-SEG (administrative segregation) really holds the madmen and
most of these guys will be free in a few years. Crazy.
I've got to do some laundry before I call it a night, so I better get
to it.
Peace.
2/27/08
Today I set a new record for the longest time they've allowed me
to stay in one place. Four weeks! Of course, they just told me I'm
moving to C-Pod shortly so I have to pack up my things and get ready
to roll. Thank goodness. I'm ready to go. It's too damn loud right now
on E-Pod. It's like a madhouse.
About an hour later…
Here I am in my new cell. I was supposed to go to five-cell, but there
was some nastiness in that cell's toilet and it wouldn't flush so they
put me in six-cell because it was empty. I can't believe it's so quiet
over here. It's like a dead zone. Eerie. Though, I'll actually be able
to sleep in past six in the morning now for a change. Everyone over
here is very respectful and you usually won't hear a peep until close
to lunch time.
The cell was very clean, too, so all I had to do was sanitize
everything and unpack. Now I'm ready to read a little and go to sleep.
2/28/08
Today was just beautiful. It felt like early spring. I went
outside and finally played some basketball and came back on a 5-3
loss, winning 8-5. A little bit rusty, but so long as I can keep
playing I'll get my shot down. I hope this sun sticks around for a
while. It is just too beautiful.
Not much else is happening around this place. Things are really calm
right now. Peaceful. Everyone here seems to be in decent spirits. I
hope it remains this way.
Peace. |
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