Randy's Journal (March 2006)
Note to readers of these entries: There are many
grammatical, punctuation and typing errors. It would be incredibly time
consuming to go through each entry and correct the mistakes, so I ask
that the reader please forgive me of these errors. Each entry goes
through several hands in the process of getting my words from death row
to your computer screen in a timely fashion. Thank you for your
patience. I hope you will enjoy my writings.
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No...I haven't written any journal entries for the past week. Well, I started to and it was just a bunch of drivel. Nothing worth having put up, so I scratched it. I had every intention on writing the letter to my parents, but I just kind of blanked out, when I began. Maybe this week. To be honest this week has been kind of tough. I had a visit with Mary, but I was being a jerk. Acting like some snotty junior high student or something. I guess I just get upset over the situation at times. Well, those are all circumstances I have no control over. Don't you hate, when that happens: When you feel you have no control over anything pertaining to your own life. There's a good part in this book I'm reading by Neil Gaiman called "Neverwhere". It says: "Events are cowards. They run in packs and leap out all at once." Oh, how true. Regardless, I promised to get back to being myself and I'm trying to save our friendship and all of that. I kind of feel a lot better today and will get back into the swing of writing regularly this week. My vegetarian diet is going well. I feel so much better, health wise. I've got a lot of gas (Ha. Ha. It's true!), but other than that it seems I have so much more energy. Well, that does it for now. Damn ribbon just died out… Argh! |
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Howdy. I don't know what's going on, but it is hot in this cell right now. I'm breaking a sweat and all I did was type up some poems. I haven't even exercised yet. I think it's only about 82° outside. Today I've had a lot on my mind. I get mad at myself because I'll come up with something I think is profound, but then I'll be too lazy to write it down and it's gone. Like, I had some thoughts about the soul earlier this morning, but now I can't remember it all. Something about how people connect and past lives etc. You know, like you meet a love or a friend and it really seems like you've known them for eternity. Or how some people just keep popping up into your life some how, even when you took a completely different path in life. Well, it sounded better this morning… No, I think I got on that thought, because I was thinking of my friend Susan. I mean, the odds of us ever meeting were way beyond against us… And while she is much older than me (Susan, if you're reading this, in no way am I calling you old!!!), but she has such a young heart and soul. Most of our thoughts, humor, interests are the same and it just feels like I've know her some other time. As a friend she's as good as they get and I can't express the love I have for her. We had to have known each other some other time. How else would we have such a connection? And that's one level of love and being eternally connected. Then there's the people you've known all your life who pop in and out at times, it seems you need them the most. Almost as if their spirit could hear the cry of your spirit and the universe opens up and allows you to "bump" into each other. And of course there's the person whom may be your soul mate. I was thinking I may have some of that all wrong. I think I do believe in the one. You can fall in love with many… I don't doubt that. You may even feel that person, you're currently in love with, is the "One", but then the universe opens up and shows you, you're wrong, and you catch a glimpse of it all and you hear the soul of that person or you keep popping into their life. I know I don't make much sense, but something inside of me this morning kind of woke up and well… I'll save the rest for another day. I finished the book NeverWhere by Neil Gaiman. I love this author. I really like how each of his books centers around the main character and how something completely changes his perception of the world around him. It's very fantasy oriented, but not in a totally unbelievable away. Another good book by him was American Gods. It was very trippy, but awesome and I could completely identify with his character "Shadow". If you're interested in Graphic novels, read his "Death" series and also his "Sand Man" series. The art is as good as it gets and the story writing is very strong. Speaking of graphic novels and comic art in general, I think I have someone interested in putting a couple of my ideas into reality. This guy they call "Big foot", whom I consider a good friend now. I told him a couple ideas for some political satire I had and he couldn't stop laughing. I'm going to write a couple of scripts for him and see what he can do. If it works out they will be up in this site. I had another idea that I wanted to throw out to the world… I want to create a music compilation of songs… I want to offer up my poetry to anyone who's a musician. It doesn't matter what style. You would have free liberty to reshape my words and to find a song that fits the style… Once there were about twenty good songs, I want to create a CD… We would sell the CD to raise money for the anti penalty cause and also for victims rights groups. I wouldn't want a penny of the money. I would have full control on what would land on the CD, though. If there are any musicians out there who are interested in this idea, please contact me at My webmaster will forward the emails to me and we can go from there. Of course it's just an idea, and if it doesn't come into fruition it'll be okay. I love music so much and want to be such a part of creating music, it has and always will be my true passion. Well, I have still not been to recreation and I really need to exercise, so I will end this for now. It's a Pilates day. Ugh. I mayor may not write more later on, depends when I get back from Rec. It's now 9:30 pm. I just got finished from my recreation and shower. I decided, not to exercise today. Just wasn't feeling and besides, I played basketball on Saturday so… That's my excuse anyways! I got to chat with my friend Jonathan. They let me got to his section on the pod for recreation. We were talking about music and such and was telling me he officially has a myspace.com account up under the name Hero of squirrels…He's a big squirrel fan (Yes the little animal). We were talking about vegetarianism and he said he's been looking into it, too, and then of course we talked about music. It's his passion, too. He thinks he's close to getting an execution date, which really sucks… I don't regret getting close to people here, but it really does mess with my head when someone, I know, is getting set for an execution or is executed. You just don't ever get used to that. There's so many executions set for the next few months here in Texas, it's insane, but you know they gotta look good for those elections. Tough on crime and all of that… Not that executing people stops all of that. But I'm just saying.. I swear American societal logic is warped. We boast about how advanced of a culture we are. How we're so pro human rights, but we have executions and lead in the world??? Argh. Anyways, my nerves got me and I just opened up a bag of BBQ chips… I suppose on that note I will close this up and write more tomorrow. Where will my thoughts take me? |
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Today has been an okay day. I went to recreation around 8 or so in the morning and had a really good exercise, then got into a sort of philosophical conversation with this guy… It started out where he was making fun of me for being a vegetarian… Yeah, I'm the buzz right now and everyone thinks I'm going crazy. They're like, "Hey Randy I heard you're like hating on meat… Blah. Blah. Blah…" So then I have to explain. But even more, why the hell are people concerned with me??
Anyways, so the guy says: "Don't you find it weird
how it's fine with humans to take another, yet we'll try to save
animals and shit…" Someone else made a jab at me like this a week or
two ago saying, "You'll kill someone, but you won't eat an animal?" Of
course, I say, "Well, actually… I didn't kill anyone…" And this is how
I started my little debate today. I continued that even if a person
had killed a human, I still believe that a person can change through
forgiveness, compassion and love and that there's no reason, why we as
humans have to just keep that to our own species. We all rely on each
other on this planet and in no way should humans hold a monopoly on
earth. That's why we have so many problems as it is. Somehow that
whole conversation turned into redemption. Yes, there are some very
nasty people here and maybe they don't want to be redeemed. Who knows.
However, as a society who are we to say who can be saved and who
can't? I'm not a Christian, but one thing I admire and love about
Jesus is, that everyone has a shot, and he didn't necessarily say
through him. I believe he extended that to all faiths and beliefs and
that it all comes down to love. That is the number one reason
the Death Penalty is so wrong. Holy @$##!! I heard one of the best plays I've (seen) ever heard… It's called "An Infinite Ache". I don't know if you're interested in theater or not, but man… The story is about love and everything that comes with it, the heartache, joy… (Man! Great song playing right now: "Karma Police" by Radiohead). Anyways, at the end of the play they said you could hear a discussion about it and piece of it at http://www.kuhf.org click on "Front Row" and it'll give a menu to find the play. Right now I'm listening to Rice University KTRU… All day they have been playing a kick butt set of song… I realized that I have a new (old) favorite song. I hadn't heard this song in years. A song by The Cure called "The Same Deep Water As You". It's on the best album ever made, called "Disintegration". Well, the DJ in the studio was on a goth/80's alternative music kick and he played that song.. It made me cry. Probably the most depressing beautiful song… I was like, "How could I have forgotten about this song!?!" I'll have to change my profile now and put that down as my favorite song. I love music!!! I could have deprived myself of sleep for music I love. I can't explain the euphoria that music puts me in. Pure Nirvana. I need to lay off the coffee… I'm bouncing off the walls right now!! Dinner just came. I had cheese pizza (well, as close to pizza as you can get…), some beans and carrots. Can it get any more delicious than that? (Yeah, right!) I'm about to start reading another Dr. Oliver Sacks book, called An Anthropologist On Mars. I'm fascinated by Dr. Sacks's studies in neurological disorders. And he tells the stories of his patients in such a compassionate way. On that note I will close this up, unless something interesting happens around this place. I think tomorrow I will go into some depth about why I chose to escape and how warped in the head I was at that time. I mean, I had some very serious issues going on and, looking back, it scares me to think I could have ever been that foolish and ignorant and stupid. Naïve… Big things to write about in my journal…: Why I escaped. A letter to my parents… |
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I spent most of today reading a book called Fire Point by John Smolens… Actually, I had every intention of spending the day on the Dr. Oliver Sacks book, but I picked up this other book and was glancing the first few pages when it hooked me and I ended up finishing from start to end. It was that good. Kind of high brow suspense. Nothing like your hack writers suspense/thrillers. To be honest I got burnt out on that a long time ago, but this was good. Along the same line as House of Sand and Fog, which I felt was as good as it gets. I also went outside today. Didn't play any basketball, but I did jog for a while. The guy, I was outside with, has a brain tumor and somehow we spent a lot of time talking about death in general. Kind of depressing, but at least he has a grasp of his situation… He doesn't have much time left. He told me of another guy, who's dying of cancer back here and then a guy just passed away the other night. I said, "It's ironic how the only thing guaranteed to us in this life is that we are all going to die sometime…" He asked me why I was a vegetarian, and I thought, here we go again… But he was seriously asking me, not trying to give me a hard time, so I kind of joked back, "Well, in the event there is reincarnation, I wanted to be careful incase I came back as a chicken or a cow… He got a good laugh at that, but then I went on to explain why… I'm getting pretty good at making my case now, I've explained it so many times. I have some ideas to kind of give you a good mental image of things on death row. What the cells look like, what polunsky unit looks like etc. I'm going to do some drawings of the cell etc., and then also I'm sending a few pictures of the kind of talent that exists back here and is sadly a shame that such gifts weren't used while these people were free. All of that is coming very soon. Oh, here's the label they put on all my food trays for a vegetarian meal. This is the actual tag: |
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Neat huh? Ha. Ha. Okay, I guess that does it for me today. I'm really tired and I want to lay down… Good night! |
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The day started out very gloomy. There was a tornado warning, and it looked like a scene out of a horror movie outside. The wind was blowing so hard you could see the perimeter fence shaking, the barb wire slicing through the air… Around one in the afternoon the storm let up, the clouds began to break apart and the sun showed it's happy face. It looks wonderful outside right now. I'm glad, because I was starting to feel a little down. I've been thinking about how to explain my illogical reasoning for escaping the Connally Unit here in Texas… At that time my head was literally so messed up… I knew I wanted to change a lot of things in my life… I had given up drugs earlier. Yes, you could get all of that pretty easily in prison. I used my "Hustle" money from selling cookies and hamburgers from the prison kitchen to be able to afford that and there was a short time I was actually brewing prison wine. Doing these things helped me to "survive" as for as my needs (hygiene products, snacks etc.) and my wants (drugs). I remember popping a lot of different pills back then. Snorting pills, weed, sometimes acid would come through on these faux bible brochures and religious materials… A hit cost like ten stamps… When I decided to stop doing drugs, it was mainly because I thought if I didn't stop at that point I'd only continue on, and should the day come that I did come up for parole what would I have accomplished? Nothing would've changed. Any addict knows how hard that can be to just quit. There's the saying "Once an addict, always an addict." I believe that, because even now when I get extremely depressed, I think of how easy it would be to just find something to take my mind off things… So, back then I was looking for things to fill that void. I tried so hard. I really did. I played piano for a bilingual choir (until I was forced out of that, due to prison politics… long story…). I signed up for college courses and was told I'd be put on a waiting list, which meant it could be years, until I was enrolled. My parents and brother ceased talking to me years before, and I was hopeless. There's no way to explain, how alone I felt. I only communicated with a few prisoners, 'cause I was a sort of outcast. I kept my crime a secret, but just being a Jew was difficult enough. Don't get me wrong, I had respect. I tried to avoid conflict, but in prison if you don't fight or stand your ground in certain situations, terrible things can happen. Rape, being beat to death, having all of your property stolen… Inside I was always scared as hell. I was always scared. Yet, I became very good at politics. I said in an earlier entry, being in prison is more mental than anything. Every day was like playing a chess game. You literally had to watch your every move. Around this time I bonded with this guy they nick named Turtle. Turtle was my boy. We hung out and everything, but Turtle was thinking about joining a racist gang. I couldn't understand why he would want to do this, when he knew I was Jewish, and also he had a lot of black friends in the free world. He would start to call black people, "Toads" and use the word "Nigger" a lot. I'd get mad and asked him how his friends would like that in the world. Sadly, Turtle was being institutionalized and the prison system is designed so that gangs and such fight each other and not the prison staff. They allowed these gangs to hold a certain amount of power in the prison. They allow drugs to come in. There is no such thing as true rehabilitation inside. I feared eventually I would get swept up into this, too. I feared, that by the time I came up for parole, I would be so institutionalized that I wouldn't even have a chance in society or that society wouldn't accept me. I decided to try to talk Turtle out of joining a gang. He had a cell mate, or "celly", who later would become my co-defendant. He went just by his last name back then and he called himself a Christian, so I felt I could trust him to an extent. I always saw him go to church and he carried a bible around. I'd ask him to try to talk Turtle out of getting into a gang. Through that we began to talk a lot more of other things. Religion and what we would do, if we were ever free. I used to say, "All I want is a second chance…" Around this time Rivas also had a real nice job, working as a clerk in maintenance. One night I came back from work and was covered in red juice. An inmate had decided to chunk a pitcher of punch at an officer in the kitchen, where I worked, and it hit me instead. I was furious and ready to just lay down on my job. If that meant going back to the fields to do slave like labor, that was fine by me. I was tired of cleaning and feeding inmates… Rivas asked me what happened, and I explained, and he promised me, he could get a job for me in maintenance working in the warehouse with him, doing clerk type work. His promise came through, and a few weeks later I had a new job. In hindsight I realize I was being roped in, manipulated by my co-defendant. He came to me with a plan for escape. He ran it down to me, and I told him it could work, if he changed a few things. He asked me, if I wanted to be involved. I said I wanted to think about it. Somehow weighing all of the pros and cons, I decided I had nothing to lose. What life did I have? I had no family anymore, they were just as well as dead, and I certainly had no life in prison… I guess the only thing I don't know and still can't figure out is, how I was so naive to believe I would get away. Never be caught. Yes, I really convinced I could hide forever. Run off to Seattle and hunker down there. I had no ill intentions. I didn't want to get back at anyone or take up a life of crime. All I wanted was to start my life over. Be the person I hadn't been for so many years. I do get angry at allowing myself to be manipulated, and at one time I thought it could've been the will of God or his hand in aiding the success of the escape, but looking back that's just plain stupid. Why would God have his hand in anything that leads to violence and the death of someone? But even though I felt I was manipulated, I made an active decision to escape and can only hold myself responsible for that decision. I don't necessarily forgive myself for that choice either. I think there are two things in life I could never forgive myself of…, my original crime and being a part of an escape that eventually went to so horribly wrong… I guess the important thing now is I realize to change or to be a better person I just have to be myself. Regardless of where I'm at and my situation. I've got a lot of love to offer to everyone and I'm peaceful now. Sure, I have fears and demons and things that sometimes surface, but I won't allow these things to control my decisions anymore. I get impulses and for once in my life I think about the consequences that those impulses might carry. I think anyone who is my life and knows me now will all say that at heart I'm a good person full of love. I strive to be so. I think I'll close here for the day. I have a sneaking suspicion I will be moved tonight, and I want to tidy up things, just a bit in event that I do. Peace. |
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Last night I had decided to stay up pretty late. I was listening to Conan 0'Brien to get some chuckles and at midnight decided to see what the late night album the classic rock station was playing. Turned out it was one of my all time favorites "The Unforgettable Fire" by U2. I probably hadn't heard that album in about 11 years and forgot half of the songs, but then as the music started playing, every song came back to me. Awesome. Not much really happened today. I went outside for two hours, but the weather for the last few days has been overcast. I'll be happy when we get a full day of complete sunshine. I used to love the rainy weather, I loved the feeling of being depressed, but now it's just the opposite… I like depressing music and writing depressing stuff, but truly I hate feeling that way and I miss the sunshine… I need some sun. On top of that the guy I was outside with, wanted to mope around and not play any ball. That sucked. I finished An Anthropologist On Mars, that was really good. Two of the medical stories really touched me to the core. The title story and also one about a blind man, whose eye sight was restored yet he had never seen before, so he couldn't identify what he was seeing. He basically had to relearn every thing he knew only by name. The man felt more comfortable being blind than having sight. I can't imagine how that would feel. Almost like never being able to hear and suddenly being surrounded by these weird things, you can't identify. It would be quite scary. I guess the book itself got me thinking about the relationship of the mind and soul. Like autistic people (most anyways) cannot empathize with other humans… Yet, we believe that is key function of ourselves, of our soul. To have emotions and to be able to relate to another humans emotions… Is the soul separated from the mind and they won't be able to "feel" until they are fully released from the body? I think the same goes for a sociopath. I can't imagine what it's like to not be able to feel… I swear the more I try to figure something out, the more confusing it all gets… We have so much wrong… So much wrong. |
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This Saturday has been extremely busy. So busy that I just finished another book called: The Man Who Grew Two Breasts (And other strange medical events). This had a bunch of short stories about odd medical events that were cured by very simple means… Some of them were pretty funny. Like the guy who grew breasts, because (about to get sexually graphic… warning!) his wife was using a vaginal cream, that had some sort of hormone in it… I think she was taking it for menopause, but then started using as a lubricant… Well, each time they had sex, the husband would absorb a little bit of this hormone and… grew breasts!!! Ha. Ha. I couldn't stop laughing. Anyways! It's been very humid. Uncomfortably so. I was sweating out in the dayroom and wasn't even working out. I had thought about exercising, but it was Saturday, so I usually "rest" on that day. I ended up just goofing around talking with a few dudes. I'm trying to spread some cheery atmosphere around. Right now everyone seems depressed… Ugh. I know I keep saying that I'm going to write a letter to my parents, but honestly it's just too difficult. Every time I try to gather my thoughts and figure out what I'm going to say, I can't, so I thought why not just let the heart speak and go from there… So, if it's okay I would like to take a few moments to reach out to my mother and father. It's from my heart and while the odds are against me that they are reading this, I have to try… |
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I don't know, if you're aware of this site or not. I can only hope that maybe Wesley has told you of it and that you might be "peeking" into my life occasionally. There are so many things I want to say to you both, but most of all I want to say that I've never stopped loving you. I miss you both terribly… It's been ten years since the last time I've seen and talked to you. My life then was spinning out of control, and I was destroying the relationship we had. I was a pathological liar and becoming a very bad thief. But never not once did I not love you. I left Kentucky because I needed help. I knew I needed help and I figured if I came back home, showed up on your door steps you couldn't turn me away. And while you did, I was determined to try to straighten my life out. The first week I was back in Texas I was doing good. I found a job and I had met up with Mindi and her parents. They offered me encouragement and support. I thought I was doing well, until I called home and talked to Mom… I was floored by what she said. You know, the will… I didn't care about the fact, that I wouldn't get anything. I could care less… It was the fact that you were saying, that you were finished with me. That broke my heart into two. What had I done that was truly so horrible, that it could garner such a decision? I lied. Yes. I did drugs. Yes. I stole, yes. But I had never did anything more at that time… Was this enough to be disowned? I don't know… My spirit was broken. I decided, well, screw it. No one cares for me. I'm my own man… I'll do what I want. I fell back into drugs, quit work and moved to Ft. Worth. We know what happened after that. Yes, I tried to deny it. I lied to you about that and couldn't stop lying. But no matter what you believe, no matter what was told to you or Chief Wayburn told you, I never caused all of that damage. It came out in my trial, that I didn't… I remember when I was sitting in my capital murder trial and all of that stuff came back up and all of these lies and embellishments came out against me and it came to me… I was sitting there and I thought, "My God… this is why my parents did this… This is why I was disowned…" I wanted to scream out, "It's all lies…" But who would believe me? I had become the boy, who cried wolf. Just like you said I would one day, dad… Just like you said, I would. When I told you about that, why I was being arrested, I should've just been straight up from the front, but somehow I couldn't tell the truth. I don't know why. I don't know why I couldn't stop lying. If you've read my journal, you know why I decided to escape… I just wanted to let you know that you had no reason to fear me. None of those guys even knew the kind of background I came from. I would've been foolish to discuss that kind of stuff in prison, because it would be assumed, that I still had ties to that and I could be threatened or hurt to get a hold of something I didn't have. I never wanted to invite that. None of the guys I escaped with knew of my background… I had never ever threatened you. I've never cussed you out. There was one time I kicked that hole in the wall… But truly, it wasn't meant to happen. I remember when my foot went through, I thought, "Uh… Oh… I'm in trouble now." I was thirteen. I could never hurt you, mom and dad. I could never hurt Jimmy and Kevin. And while Wesley and I fought (a lot), he started 95% of them and I would've never hurt him either. It was he, who threw the pencil into my nose… And when Wesley had his finger cut off, I was there every second of the way, protecting him, comforting him. I called you up, dad, immediately, and told you what had happened… Is that a sign of some evil kid? I'm truly sorry that you went through any heartache or suffering when I escaped. I didn't think, through my impulsiveness and stupidity and naivety of the harm, it would cause those I knew. I only cared about myself and didn't think of the backlash against you and my old friends. I am truly sorry. I live with that on my back… I am truly deeply sorry. The thing was, is when I escaped I had to make a decision that once I was out, I could never reach out to y'all or Wesley. That's how much hope in everything I had lost. Whether you believe it or not, I didn't kill anyone. I believe that was proven in my trial and why the jurors decided otherwise, I'll never know. But if you were to read my appeals and transcripts you would see… There are so many things I want to say… All I can say from my heart though is, I love you and will always love you. I miss talking to you, dad. I miss how at one time I could tell you everything. I miss being a son and I miss having a dad. I'm not bitter about anything. I don't blame you for anything, even though I do feel y'all got some things wrong with me, I know you just wanted what was best. One of my happiest memories is the day you guys came and adopted Wesley and me. I can remember just about everything of that day. And there are other moments in the past that stand out. The times we were all so close. Mom, do you remember the time you squashed the fly and it's carcass went flying and landed on my leg? I started screaming like a little girl! I still laugh at that. Or the time we were going to Florida and we stopped off at that rest stop… That bee… It wouldn't stop chasing me around! Dad, the many times after Hebrew classes we would go to Big Foots Sub shop and you would order me the meat ball sub? Or how about each time after piano classes we would stop off at the gas station and you would always buy me a juice? I miss playing piano for you, dad… Sometimes my memory is a curse, because I don't ever forget much and I have so many things I could talk about. So many things I miss. I just want my family back. If these are to be the last few years of my life, why can't I have that? I don't want anything more than that. I don't want money. I don't want legal help. I just want y'all. My soul aches for that. I want to be able to look into the both of your eyes and say I'm sorry and to show you that I've truly become a better person. I want to thank you for giving me a life that most kids wished they had. I was blessed for that. A few years ago I met up with my biological mother… And while I'm not in contact with her anymore for personal reasons, never, not once did I not see you as my true parents. Y'all were all I knew and on a spiritual level I feel that the two of you were meant to be my parents. You are my biological parents. I hope this reaches you. I hope my site shows you, who I truly am now. Most of all I hope it opens your heart and one day we can talk again. There's nothing I would keep from you, any truth you seek, any questions you would have, I would tell you everything. I have nothing to hide from anymore. Nothing to lie about. I want nothing but my parents' love. I love you, mom and dad. I always will… Always your son, Randy Ethan Halprin |
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I think that's it for today. Good night everyone! |
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Sunday… No recreation today and I'm kind of depressed. I spent the evening last night thinking about my family. I guess it kind of spilled over into today. Also, I was kind of thinking about other things… People I miss and also Mary… But I really don't feel like getting into that. It's very humid and, well, I had my shower at around six in the morning and then I had to exercise and take a bath in my sink… Ugh. At first I seriously thought about not doing anything today, to just lay on my bed and listen to the radio… I wish I had something to talk about, but I really don't. I think I'll just plop this in an envelope and mail it off to get posted… Until next time! |
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I don't know what happened, but I somehow misplaced the last few days of my entries, which is kind of frustrating, and unless I can find them, I'll have to recap the week. Oh boy. Monday night I was moved around 10:30 pm, which kind of sucked. I liked it, where I was at. The plus side was, I did receive a very sweet letter from Mary, which was a nice little treat. I also had to sign and send a tax form back to her (was that why she was so sweet? No, I'm just kidding. I told her to send it to me, so that I could help her out…)
Tuesday nothing happened of importance. That's one thing I love about the book I just read. Especially the chapter titled "The Elixir of Forgiveness". The author tells of how his best friend and he started a business together. The friend ended up stealing money from him and crossing him out of the business. Moving on without him. His friend lied to him and hurt him severely. When, after many years, they ran into each other and he told his old friend how he felt… The liar came clean about every thing and then apologized. They discussed it and both felt relieved. The pain wasn't as difficult… It just goes to show the power of forgiveness though the person who asks for forgiveness has to be truly sincere. Not just by words, but by actions. I can only hope, my own actions speak louder than words. Anyways, one thing I forgot to mention to you (the person, who emailed me). Remember how I said I remember the craziest things? Let me see if you remember this… It's an idea, YOU had for a business… You wanted to start a bottled water company called "dancy springs" (or was it "dancing", I can't remember everything!) As I was typing a response to you I was drinking from some bottled water and it brought one of those crazy memories. I know, I'm nuts. You don't have to tell me J! Friday was more of the same, though I went out and played ball. I guess now that I'm getting pretty good at playing, I had gotten kind of cocky. I like to talk teasingly about how bad I'm going to beat the person I play. Now, a lot of times it backfires on me and I lose horribly. But it's all in good fun. I go outside to play this guy, I've never played before. We take some practice shots and we're making jabs at each other. I watch as his shots drop into the goal one after another. I think to myself, "Uh, oh. I did it to myself again. This guy has a shot…" I can't seem to get mine to drop in… After warming up we start playing and I lose a couple of them in a roll. He's talking crap, obviously enjoying beating me… Finally I find my shot and start winning, too. After an hour of playing I'm taking the lead. After an hour and half I'm holding the lead quite comfortably, I hat to stop playing the guy, because he was becoming a sore loser. I had him at thirty games to twenty. And he was mad. Yelling things like, "I can't believe I'm getting beat by a white boy". And such. I tried to calm him down and said, "Hey man, take some breaths. It's only a game." I think, he thought, I was egging him on or something, because he blurts, "Fuck that shit man…" I thought to myself, "I'll never go out and play with this dude again". I suppose he thought, I was going to come back in and boast about how bad I beat him, because that's common practice after playing some good games and winning. I just left it alone at that. Didn't want to create more tension. Later that night he apologized to me. That was cool of him. I feel like I've discovered this new power or something. Seriously. After reading that book, I've been trying these different ways to show kindness and such, and it's awesome how you see people respond! Plus, it makes me feel better inside. Like Friday night we had this really mean officer work. I mean, she can be a real, you know what. I hadn't had a shower yet, and to be completely honest, I was starting to get aggravated, and when I get aggravated, I go into sarcasm mode. So she walks up to my door and says, "Halprin, you're up next on showers, so when we come back, be ready." But she says it real smug like… I can feel the sarcastic comment rising up in my throat. I was going to say, "Yeah, okay, not like I haven't been ready since about three in the afternoon…" But I cut it off and said, "Alright. Thank you for telling me." It was funny. She kind of blinked. Like, if you ever see those cartoons and a bubble kind of pops above their head… She's stunned and then she smiles and says, "Okay, sweety, just be ready." I'm thinking, "Holy cow! Did I just see that?" So… I feel good, she feels good, and her whole demeanor the rest of the night was changed! Just from a simple thank you. Amazing. So simple. Okay… Now for Saturday. It's been kind of grey outside. I'm madly wired on coffee right now, which is kind of funny in itself… I had gone to recreation around nine thirty in the morning and this guy, they call "Sleepy", asked if I wanted a cup of coffee. I said, sure. "How do you like it?" he asks. I said, "Rock my world." (When it comes to making coffee I always tend to use crazy expressions like that or "Juice it up" etc. J) Well, he makes it in an empty bottle and sends it out to me in the dayroom. I take a sip of it and I say, "Damn, dude! You didn't have to make it that strong!" "Well, you said 'Rock my world', did it?" About thirty minutes later I'm bouncing off the walls and I still am now at 4:47 pm. Nuts! Right now I just started a book called "Marley and Me" by John Grogan. It's pretty funny, about a trouble making dog and his family. Non fiction. I'm spending most of this weekend getting caught up on different projects. I was invited to take part in a written interview for a site called Death Row Speaks. I really like the questions that are on the interview. I'll inform you once that's up, so y'all can check it out. I'll also give the site address. I'll be sending it out Monday morning and it should take about 2-3 weeks to be posted. I'm also working on some things for the MySpace site, my webmaster and I are building right now. I suppose it will be pretty much the same as this. I'm just using the MySpace site to inform people of this site. I like the fact that I can post music up, though, on MySpace. That'll be cool. I only wish I had some old recordings of me playing music and singing from back in the day. Something. Anything. Not much else is happening right at this moment. I may listen to a movie later tonight. "The 6th Sense" is on. I love that movie. Alright. Peace. |
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Can we get some sunshine around this place or what? One day it's sunny, the next it's grey, and sometimes both in a single day. I'm about tired of it. I'd just like a full week of a perfect blue sky. To watch birds floating through the sky out my window. To see some sort of semblance to life. Especially today when there's no recreation and we're locked away inside our cells. I can stand on my bed and look out my window for hours. I love watching the animals roam a field in the distance. Sometimes you would see cows and sheep. Horses. I went to be pretty late last night. I listened to the first half of "Saturday Night Live" and then channel surfed. Usually late Saturday nights they play some really good music on KTRU, Rice University, but whoever was the DJ really sucked. I eventually crashed out around one in the morning, then got back up a little before eight. Right now it's a little afternoon and I should exercise, but I'm really, really not feeling it. I may just end up doing a little thirty minute workout, instead. Two things have been on my mind today (well, really three, but I don't feel like getting into the third…): selfishness and selflessness. There's a part in the book "Field Notes on the Compassionate Life" that talks about people, who are altruists. In specific detail, people who would willingly unselfishly give up an organ (kidney, to be exact) with no other motive than it just feels the right thing to do… This chapter of the book really struck a nerve within me. It asks a question of, would you really be willing to donate an organ to a complete stranger so that they could have a chance to live longer. A lot of people would pay it lip service and say, "Yeah, sure I would", but then never follow through with it. I asked myself that question. If I could, would I do it? I know I can be a selfish person at times, and I started making excuses to myself why I couldn't… But then, I listened deeper to myself. Surprisingly the answer came up, yes. Yes. I could and would, if possible. Ever since, I've been thinking of this. I want to donate a kidney. I'm one hundred percent serious. I don't know how possible this would be. But it's something I want to look into. I see it like this: If I'm to be killed by the state, wouldn't it be a shame for such a thing to go to waste? Once I'm killed by lethal injection, it renders my organs useless. Nothing in my body can be harvested. Not my eyes, not my heart, not my liver, neither of my kidneys. Nothing. The poisons that would flow through my veins would attack every living part of me. I look at it like this… If I can save someone, give someone a chance at a full life. A life that through my own faults I could not have. I don't think, it's about living vicariously through someone, because they would be trucking my kidney around. It's about giving that ultimate gift for no other reason than I can. Wouldn't that be something? My heart warms at the mere possibility. For those of you, who are cynical (and understandably so… I would probably be, too) and would think, "Oh, he's just saying that or would do that to save his own life, to get a pardon or something…" Let me explain this. I'm about to open up in a complete, heart achingly way. Something I don't really discuss with anyone. I think, I've told two, three people this. It's something very selfish. In a way, I do hope to be executed. Only because I know the sort of life I will have, if my sentence should be overturned. So, that kind of makes the cynical approach mood. Don't get me wrong! I am fighting my appeals. There are reasons, I am fighting. One, I never even shot a gun nor wanted anyone to be killed. Period. Two, there are people, who love me, and to give up, would be denying them their desire to love me. That would be too selfish. but I couldn't ever use trying to save a life to save my life as an opportunity to exploit. It would completely devalue and deface the whole experience. If one could really look into my deepest darkest thoughts though, that part of me, that hopes to lose out on my appeals, is there. I can't lie about it and say it isn't. Ask anyone who knows me and this would be the first time they've heard this from me. It's not some pity card I play. So, basically what I want to do is try. Not pay lip service to the idea of giving up my kidney. I want it to be as low key as possible. I know I'm healthy and I don't have any diseases or anything. I really want to do this. And for whatever reason that it doesn't work out, (I) know that I did try. I've seen many unselfish acts back here on death row. I know of one guy, who's family was coming to visit from out of town. His friend in the cell next to him was having very suicidal thoughts. The guards weren't taking him serious, thinking it was some attention grabbing play. The man about to get a visit knew, that if he didn't stay and talk to him, the chances of the guy killing himself were very high… So, he refused the visit. I get choked up thinking about this. He cared so much about his friend hurting himself, that he turned down a visit from his family that he rarely sees. Would you do that? Unfortunately the guy having suicidal thoughts did kill himself a month later, and it could be argued, that had only the officials taken him seriously, it could have been avoided. I could tell of other incidences, because there are many. Well, these are my thoughts today. We'll see, where they lead me ton in the future. You know, what I really miss right now? Just the ability to hug someone. Or receive a hug. It's the simplest thing in the world, and yet it is so important. That bonding of two people, holding each others body tight to one another. A simple rub or pat on the back. Nothing sexual, yet those few seconds they are so intimate and precious… Oh, the things we take for granted. I still have a day ahead of me. I don't expect much more to happen today, so I will wrap this up. God Bless. |
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Where to begin? I've kind of got a heavy heart right now. I heard that one of those guys, who was basically on their death bed from cancer, has passed away. His name was "Gypsy" or that's what he went by anyways… I found out, when I was out at recreation. I was talking to this old Hispanic man who goes by "Rocky", probably one of the kindest men back here on death row. He told me. Well, he then gave me some words of wisdom about when it's God's time. It's God's time. I'm just happy the state didn't kill him and rumor is the doctors here gave him a bunch of medicine to make it as painless as possible. But here's what surprise me the most. A most unusual act of kindness on part of the prison officials: They knew he was probably going to die at any time this week, and so they called his family up and gave him a special visit for eight hours. I was really surprised by that. sometimes acts of compassion come from out of nowhere. I've spent most of the day writing a short story. I'm just about finished. I'm at the climax right now and I was surprised when I realized what would happen to the lead character. Actually, I started out writing this like a short graphic novel and it just made more sense as a short story. I've written several different "Scripts" for some graphic novels and one thing, that makes it difficult is, you leave gaps in the story to allow the artist to fill in by exploiting your imaginations ability to fill in the blanks by the drawings… Anyways, it's all boring technical stuff… I started typing a first person narrative and it just came to life. I don't know, if it just was my general mood, but the story came out kind of vulgar. I'm debating if I want to sanitize it and censor myself or leave it as is. It's more powerful vulgar, though. It's not like gratuitous bad language. I does serve a purpose in setting the mood for the story. Though, these days I do really try to refrain from cussing too much. It's hard in this environment. Yeah, I know, I'm rambling. I guess I'm still shocked by that guy dying. And then there's another execution today. Which reminds me… They put these execution lists on each dayroom wall… (Yeah, like we want to be reminded of who's about to be killed…) I was looking at one and ou of like 15-20 people in the next few months. ONLY two white people are to be killed. The rest are Hispanics and blacks. I'm going to snatch one down and put it in with this journal entry, so you can see them for yourself. If anyone can say they apply the death penalty fairly, well, you're just ignorant. I mean, come on. White people kill less than another group? Don't think so! Just another reason, why it should be abolished. That's just common sense, not my liberal views. Look at this list. Tell me, it doesn't turn your stomach when you see Black, Black, Black, Black, Hispanic, Hispanic, Hispanic, White, Black, and so on…
(To see the current list of scheduled executions
click HERE…) Oh, how could I forget to talk about a wonderful message I received on Sunday evening listening to the KDOL program! It was an email from one of my close friends' sisters. My close friend was this guy named Wayne. Well, I spent several thanksgiving breaks with him and his family. Also, Wayne came back to Texas with me for one summer break. Well, at the time his sister was only a child. I don't remember ever saying much to her. Wayne and I were always doing our own thing. In this message she says she had been talking about me with someone and I was brought up because she remembers I could do this certain cartoon voice. (Yeah, I can still do a lot of them, he says sheepishly…) Now, how on earth does she remember that? I thought it was really cool. I almost forgot about that cartoon voice. LOL! I guess what it shows me is that I'm not a bad memory to everyone. I think I did have – I know I had a very sweet and loving side to me back in those days. I was good. But then I was also/could be selfish and impulsive and a liar. I don't know. I tend to overlook the good things I did and was and get on myself about the bad things. What's that saying about how the bad always seems to outweigh the good? |
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It's a nice Tuesday afternoon. A little after one. The sun is finally out and it looks beautiful outside. Not as warm or humid. I'm waiting on two things right now. One, to see, if Mary comes to visit today (I hope!), and also recreation. It's my outside day and I can't wait to play some basketball. I've already done my work out and I'm caught up on everything else. I might do some writings here in a little while just to pass some time. Earlier this morning I fixed my neighbor's radio because it was acting up. He's happy now. I'm kind of burned out on messing with radios. It's not a challenge anymore. Most of the problems are all the same. The person wanted to get TV, ended up touching something that shouldn't be touched etc. I like the ones where you have to get down and get dirty and can take a whole day trying to rig it up. Those are fun. I've only ever had to rebuild one once. Though, I about lost my mid on that one. You have to use all of these unconventional methods because it's not like you can get the tools you need. Well, s'pose I'll stop here and do some other stuff. I feel like reading a little bit. It'll make the time go by. Well, it's after ten at night now. I was moved to F-pod, the non death row area. I'm not feeling the negative vibes for once. It seems to be real laid back this time around… Or could be that I'm still on an emotional high from earlier today… Yes, Mary did come to visit and while she's asked me to leave things between us and not on my journal I will say this: We had a wonderful visit. We laughed and it didn't feel strange or anything. I wasn't a jerk and well, it was really nice. She was wonderful. My mind was on her so much that when I went outside around six in the evening I lost every single basketball game. I mean, I couldn't even get past five shots it seemed. Crazy. I'm glad that it seems like we're going to be able to get past all the garbage… Yeah, so I was moved and I feel good. I'm snacking on some peanut m and m's and listening to the news. I should sleep peacefully tonight. |
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Boy, today sure has seemed long. It hasn't been bad just long and dull. I went outside at around 6:30 in the morning and watched sun rise. That was cool. I was outside with this gay guy which was um..and experience. It was the gay guy who was flirting with me the last time I was around here and exercising. He kept doting on my eyes… I'm like okaaaay… Ha. Ha. When I came in I basically just read and listened to the radio. There wasn't a whole bunch to do. I was going to rewrite my short story, but wasn't feeling it. Maybe tomorrow. I haven't gotten any mail in three days which is kind of depressing. I should have something, which just goes to show these folks love messing with mail. Crazy. Guess I'll get ready for bed and listen to KTRU; they usually play some good stuff late at night. Good stuff to fall asleep to. |
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Today was no recreation day. They still haven't done showers and it's late in the afternoon. Lazy bastards… I woke up about 7:30 am; then went ahead and got my exercising out of the way. Worked up a pretty good sweat. Did some writing and mainly just listened to Rice University. They've been playing some awesome sets. I tell you what, I'm loving the band Blue October. They're going to explode this year. I know it. The mainstream alternative station is already playing their first single like crazy. This one female DJ today on Rice played a whole hour of female bands for woman's history month and I'm telling you, I wish the mainstream Rock station would play more female groups. I think a lot of them rocked harder, wrote better and sounded better than half of the male bands out there. Just goes to show you how gender biased the mainstream is. Unless it's teeny bopper music. And it's not like people don't want to hear the female bands, it's just that these big time advertisers want to cater to men. If you notice most of the advertising on radio are beer ads and such. Something needs to change. I think women in general have huge marketing capital, they just don't use it. Women could literally change the face of big business by just refusing to buy certain things or shop at certain places. Okay, I'm getting dangerously close to hopping up on my soap box, so I'll stop there. Oh, I had a real good lunch. I was surprised. Everyone else had some sort of chicken fried steak and I had a bean burrito, Spanish rice, corn, refried beans and some lettuce with salad dressing on it. Best meal I've had in a while. Could definitely do with more of that. The weather here is acting crazy again. It's cold now and earlier it was sunny, but now it's grey. Seems mother nature has been pretty indecisive here lately. Okay, this is ridiculous. Still no mail. Not even junk mail. I always get some sort of junk mail. You'd be surprised. Yeah, a guy on death row getting applications for credit cards, mutual funds etc… Oh, and I even get requests for me to donate to the republican party! HA. HA. Me! I mean, it's odd enough (ironic is a better word…), that a guy on death row would recieve requests from the republican party to donate money to their campaigns, but I'm also like one of the biggest liberals in Texas! No, I blame David for that, because he's a conservative who had ordered me some conservative publications in an attempt to brainwash me (Nice try, Dave… Just kidding!) and bring me to the dark side. So now I'm plagued by these ironic solicitations. The thing is, I ALWAYS at least get junk mail and have had none. I really wonder what's going with this place. Okay, check this out. I've noticed that the prison administration would often sacrifice security in the name of punishment and harassment. It's like they zero in on something leaving themselves vulnerable to an attack from behind. I'll have to ask Dave what they call that in military terms, but if any one plays chess you see it happen all the time. Say your opponent might be harassing and knocking off your pawns meanwhile you're moving your nights around and or other pieces and he thinks that if he can keep taking your pawns out he'll win. So narrow minded… So, they want to mess with folks mail and such. |
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Today wasn't too bad. I spent most of the day reading and talking with this Hispanic guy "Lonely"; he's pretty cool and not into all of that gang crap and racism stuff. He's actually going to draw something for later on, so it'll be cool to see what he does. It'll hopefully be a birthday gift for my friend Susan. (Why did I just write that when I know she reads this? Ugh. As Mary always tells me, I'm horrible at keeping secrets…or surprises…) This morning I went to recreation real early and the gay dud asked if I could boost up his volume on his radio, so I did. That's probably the simplest thing to do on a radio. Basically you just bypass a few things and voila! the sound is louder. Like magic. Came in and read, commissary came by and I got an ice cream and root beer and kicked back. The small pleasures in life… Later on I listened to KDOL and their program, which reminds me… The station is completely non-profit and they do an awesome service for us guys on death row and for the Anti Death Penalty cause in general and if you are a supporter of any or a strong Christian who doesn't believe in the death penalty I highly suggest that you might donate to the station to help keep it afloat. It's tax deductible in the U.S. and it's a worth cause. You're allowing children, mothers and fathers stay in contact with their sons on the Polunsky Unit, Death Row. Families and friends. I can't express how much good this station has done overall and for my own sanity. The web address is www.fm96kdol.com and I'm pretty sure you can donate on their site, plus I believe they have a forum group. Also, the physical address is
KDOL RADIO It truly is a blessing and I'm sure they could use all of the help they can get. I myself heard a couple of nice emails. Someone named Cody? I don't know who they are but hopefully Josef will send the message to me again. Of course it's nice. And last week my friend from school, Wayne's sister, had reached out to me and that was really cool. It's nice to know that people remember you in a good way at times… Finally got some mail. Hooray! Two letters from Mary and one from family friends I grew up with. It put my mind at ease, 'cause I would have been stressing out all weekend long had I not gotten anything. That's for sure. I tell myself not to stress over things I have no control over, but that's easier said than done… I think now I will listen to the radio and go to sleep peacefully. Sweet dreams! Let me close with this quote: When a trout rising to a fly gets hooked on a line and finds himself unable to swim about freely, he begins to with a fight which results in struggles and splashes and sometimes an escape. Often of course, the situation is too tough for him. In the same way the human being struggles with his environment and with the hooks that catch him. Sometimes he masters his difficulties; sometimes they are to much for him. His struggles are all that the world sees and it naturally misunderstands them. It is hard for a free fish to understand what is happening to a hooked one. (Karl A. Menninger) |
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Holy crap! (Can crap really be holy? Well, maybe if it came from the pope or something. Hmmm). I realized that some of my social behaviors have changed. What I mean is, I've noticed that I've taken an approach of holding myself in a different light being on death row to these guys in administrative segregation. Every time I come back here I always dislike being back here. Not just for all of the garbage of gangs and such, but because I'm not one of them. I'm a death row guy… It's like a different social circle and I think I'm different. But what's the difference? I'm on death row. Maybe it's some sort of burried animosity towards them 'cause they aren't… weird how that all works. It's a beautiful day and I'm about to go outside. I had a good lunch. My meal was basically a version of salad. Not too bad. Tonight I plan on listening to that movie "Signs", which I've been waiting to hear for awhile. If it has anything to do with aliens, ufos etc. I'm down. I'm fascinated by that crap. It's funny, because it's also the only type of movie that truly scares the crap out of me. I end up getting nightmares and everything. Horror movies don't do it, but put in a space alien… I'm afraid to go to sleep. I could explain where all of the stems from, but then you'll just think I'm nuts (which I don't entirely argue against :) Ha. Ha.) Okay, okay, I'll tell the story… You know, my parents ended up sending me to a shrink over this… I think I was about 12 or 13, and I was spending the night over at my friend Jason's house. Jason was a guy I went to synagogue with and we hung out a lot. Earlier that day weird things kept happening in his house. When it was just me, him, his sister and cousin, Jason and I went to hang out in his room. We kept hearing this strange scratching noise in his room but couldn't figure out where it was coming from. All of a sudden we hear this bang on his door so we open it up. No one's there. We were both thinking his cousin and sister were playing games so we went to the living room where they were sitting in front of the T.V. They weren't out of breath, they weren't giggling or acting suspicious, so when we asked them, if they knocked on his door, they said no. Later that night we heard the noise again, this time it was coming from outside. Then we heard this tapping noise on his window. Jason grabs a baseball bat and I pull the string to raise the blinds and we see this thing with bright eyes staring right at us! It wasn't a dog or cat either. Much too big. Him and I start screaming, "AHHHHHHHHH!" Totally freaking out. His parents come and ask us what happened and we're telling them we saw a space alien. They thought we were nuts. When my parents came to pick me up his parents to my parents what happened. Well, I became obsessed with ufos and such. I mean, I was checking out books from the library, writing letters to SETI and other places when finally dad said enough was enough… I went to the shrink and then the shrink said it was just repressed memories from being abused blah, blah, blah… But I know what I saw!!! Yeah, you think I'm nuts now. It's okay. It was either a space alien or a ghost… (For those of you whom think I'm really nut's it's called tongue in cheek. Wink) Okay, I've gotta go outside now. I think this'll be all I write for today. Unless, something comes to mind… Take care! |
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It's been a long Sunday. Not a terribly bad day, but long. I ended up catching up on everything that was messed off last night… Yeah, when I went outside I ended up getting stuck out there until around 10 pm. Missed the movie I wanted to listen to, "Signs", but I'm sure it'll be on again. I guess this thing that's good is that it was nice and I could even see a few stars twinkling. The light pollution blocks out most, but I could catch a few here and there. It felt real nice out there, also. Today was a no recreation day and I think the guards screwed over my shower. I know I didn't refuse it, I wasn't in a dead sleep or anything… Hmmm. Doesn't matter; I took a bird bath after I worked out. I spent most of that day doing laundry and things here and there. Then listened to KDOL.
And now I will be putting this off into an envelope
and sending it off.
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It's a grey Monday morning and I'm listening to Rice University. Some good ol' college rock. Didn't get much sleep last night 'cause I stayed up trying to catch some songs on KDOL. I heard "Karma Police" by Radiohead… Which is funny, because the song is kind of slow and sleepy and I was drifting off to sleep until I heard the first couple of chords on the piano and my eyes shot open. I'm kind of crazy like that. I always fall to sleep with my radio on. Nowadays I set it to sleep mode so it will shut off, because these transformers in the radio are real cheap and will burn out sometimes, but I used to keep it on all of the time. So, when I'd be sleeping and say a song from The Cure or some other really good song from a band I like comes on, I'll wake up. Literally wake up out of sleep to hear the song and then doze back off. When The Cure came out with their latest album about two years ago I remember falling asleep and then about 2 in the morning they played the brand new single and I woke up thinking, "Huh, that sounds like The Cure…" Then realized it was. Then I did my excited "oh crap, The Cure has a new song out dance" and after I calmed down I went back to sleep. I shaved my head this morning. Not because I wanted to, but because each day more hair falls out of my feakin' noggin. Okay, in evolutionary speaking I think having a bald head, or losing hair goes completely against the rules. One of the reason we have hair on our bodies is to provide insulation and warmth and to protect from the elements, like dirt and such. So, some of us humans lose hair. Freak gene anomaly. But here's the really crazy thing about it all… I'm losing the hair on my head while hair is growing in places hair should have no reason to be there. If I was free I would totally be a member of hair club for men and be popping propecia pills like candy. I hate the fact I'm going bald. Why, God, Why? I had this real pretty necklace made by this guy back here. It's a woven crucifix, which is going to be a gift for somebody. I wish I knew how to make them I'd just make them and give them away to anybody who wanted one. I should get some more made up, though. They're really cool. I wonder if the dude can make stars of David. It seems the days when the sky is grey drag by even longer. I'm debating on whether or not I should go to recreation today. I'm just not feeling like being very active today. I still need to exercise, which I'll do shortly but other than that, just give me my shower and that's it. I may not feel that way in a few hours from now, but that's how I feel now. I'm just so tired today. A couple of weeks ago I was talking about different things I'd been suspended for at school and I mentioned something about returning to school and taking a taxi with friends instead of the bus and getting lost. It actually was pretty funny, I think. Here's what happened: I think it was '93 or '94 (geeze, that seems so long ago… I'm getting old…) and I had just started to go out with this girl named Amy. After the autumn break my brother and I returned back to Kentucky from Texas and arrived in Lexington, Kentucky. In Lexington those who fly back to school all have to go to this Grey Hound bus station that then drives all of us kids to London, Kentucky, and then in London the school comes and picks up. Normally if all goes according to schedule you would get back to Oneida by around 8:30 pm or 9 pm in enough time to not miss the rest of that Sunday free time. Wesley and I get to the Grey Hound station and learn that all of the early bus tickets had been sold and the next bus to London would leave around midnight. Normally that would have been cool, but I wanted to get back to school to see Amy – that day. At first I tried to find people who swap tickets with Wesley and I, so that we could go back early. I was in charge of watching my brother and he wanted to go back late, but I wasn't hearing it. Finally two of my friends showed up, Michele and Courtney. They wanted to get back to school early, too… I asked Wesley, if he would behave if I took a taxi back to school. Now, this was a risk in itself, because he could be a serious rascal. Plus, it was my job to keep an eye on him. But teenage crush took over reason and I decided he would be fine. We pooled our money together and found a cab that would drive us to London. We would get to the bus drop off with more than enough time to spare. I told Wesley to behave and to call mom and dad if anything happened to him. I knew I could get in trouble off leaving him behind, but as long as he stayed out of mischief the odds of my parents ever finding out were in my favor. We all piled into the taxi cab and took off. I let Courtney listen to my walkman and a few mix tapes I had. Everything was going real smooth until we had to remember where the bus drop off was. The problem was, there were two Burger Kings in London. One at a Wal-Mart and one at K-Mart. I couldn't remember, if the school went to the K-Mart or Wal-Mart. I was pretty sure it was the K-Mart, so that's the one we chose. Boy, was I wrong… As if anything couldn't have gotten worse, because it was Sunday, the Burger King was closing up early. It was a small town and most of everything either was closed on Sunday or closed around 6 or 7 in the evening. Damn hillbillies. What kind of city shut everything down on Sundays? Where I came from everything was opened on Sunday! I couldn't believe it. Being that it was mid October and we were in the hills it started to get real cold. We were all huddled around a pay phone trying to call the school, our parents – anyone we could get a hold of. Stranded in the middle of nowhere. I kept saying to myself, "It was the Wal-Mart… It was the Wal-Mart…" The odds of my parents finding out about me leaving Wesley behind were not unavoidable. I knew I was in some serious knee high donkey dookie… Would I ever learn from my impulsiveness? No, not any time soon. Finally we gave up on trying to reach the school and our parents. We called the police. They picked us up and we ended up sitting in some small office at a house that served as the London Police station. The officer was real cool to us and made us some hot cocoa, but lamented on how much trouble we were going to be in at school. They did reach the school and they would be there to pick us up, but we were going to be suspended. Mr. "Skeeter" Burns picked us up in a van and after all that trouble we ended up getting to school (later) than the midnight bus trip would've taken. When I went to my dorm, Wesley was already there. "Dude, you're in some serious shit. Mom and dad are pissed…", he said. "Yeah, story of my life", I said back to him. I was only suspended for a day. I spent most of doing small little tasks. Dad was only upset that I left Wesley behind, but all in all they only took away one months allowance. I have to dig through my documents, but I've got the write up on that somewhere. I'll have to post it on my site. Alright, I'm going to go ahead and get my workout on. I need to get some blood flowing through me. I'm starting to feel a little drained. |
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Yeehaw… I was moved late last night, which didn't bother me one bit. However, the cell I was moved into…, it was filthy. The normal procedure for someone who is moving into a cell after another inmate is to have it cleaned and sanitized before the inmate moves into it. You never know what the person who lived in it before might have… Well, last night this older lady was doing the moves and she looked about worn out. I usually will make a big deal about moving into a cell if it hasn't been sanitized, but she had no janitors with her either. I looked at the cell and it was nasty, so she says, "Halprin, just hold tight and we'll get some one down here to clean it up." I felt sorry for her, because she was so tired and overworked, that I said, "No, no… lt's okay. I'll clean it up myself. No big deal." She looked relieved and so I moved in, let them take the handcuffs on me and began the task of moving in. There were boogers on the wall, giant dog sized dust balls on the floor, food on the wall. Dried up peas and corn all over the place. No good dead goes unpunished… Ha. Ha. It took me four hours to clean the friggin' cell. Oh well… Small acts of kindness. It's what I tell myself. Huh. They just locked everyone down. I know there's an execution tomorrow, but I don't think they would lock down the prison for that. I wonder what's going on. Very strange. |
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Yep. We're on lockdown. They executed someone today, but that had nothing to do with why we're on lockdown. My friend David will be here tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that. We always have a real good visit. The added bonus will be I get to get out of this damned cell. Yea! Woohoo! My tooth is acting up again. Let me explain why I'm having teeth problem now… In Dallas county jail they were super tight on security with all of us so called "Texas Seven" guys. I mean, mission impossible tight. My cell was searched three times a day. Any time I left my cell I was shackled up. I wasn't allowed recreation. No telephone calls. Nothing. On top of that we weren't allowed normal pens, combs, tooth brushes. Everything had to be rubber so they gave me this little rubber baby tooth brush that you use to massage the gums of a baby. It looked like a (sexual explicit warning!) French tickler… Seriously! That's the best description I can come up for it. Only for the teeth instead. Ha. Ha. Problem is because of this my teeth went to crap. I had to use this thing for two and a half years. Now I'm feeling it. I've had most of the teeth taken care of since I was put on Death Row, my gums are healthy, but I've got like three real bad molars. Two cracked, one the filling is coming out. Ugh. Stupid Dallas county. I think I will settle in for the night. Later. |
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Another wonderful visit. I found out about KDOL. They're just having some financial difficulties. The station should have a shortened version of their normal death row program, but they just aren't getting enough donations to keep the station fully functioning. It's a shame, because it truly is wonderful blessing to have that link to families and friends, through the station. I hope some people will come through for them. So, when I was coming back from the visit guess what they were doing on my section? They were searching cells and property. I was like, "What the hell!?" I barely had enough time to get my stuff situated before they hit my cell. I faired pretty good, but some didn't. A little excitement ensued when one guard took one man's clothing. I thought, "Uh, oh, someone's about to get hurt…" But nothing happened. They just cussed each other out for about ten minutes. Another guy was being searched and he just started yelling, "Fuck it! Just fuck it! You can have all of my stuff, if you want it. I don't give a damn. You're going to take my life. Fuck it. I don't give a fuck." I was like, "What in the world is up with him?" After he settled down he started talking about how much he loved everyone. "I love you, man. I really do. I love the law man. I love everyone back here…" The whole section was cracking up. Yeah, it's a little after four in the afternoon now and the "Shout Out Show" is on right now. That's good. In fact, David just stopped by to say hello. That was cool. I think I'm going to design some anti death penalty t-shirts. I've got a few ideas brewing in my head. Hmmmm. Anyways, wish I had more to say, but my brain is kind of talked out. I just want to kick back, do a little reading, wait on the mail and listen to the radio… |
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