April 01, 2006

Where in the world did march go? What's up with these months just flying by? I guess the good thing is no ones pulled any April fools pranks, though I've got one in store for my neighbors later on. I'm going to tell them the guards said we're coming off of lockdown tomorrow. That will start to get some buzz and then once they get all happy I'm going to say, "April fools!" God, I can be so cruel…

I haven't done much today. It's very warm and beautiful outside though. I can tell. I'm reading a book called "Conversations With God", which has turned out to have some mind blowing topics in it. Either the author is completely insane or he's a freakin' genius. It's very deep stuff.

I'm sort of upset at Mary right now, because she keeps breaking a promise she made me, but that's kind of private and I respect her wishes… But argh! Why do I do this to myself?

The thing with promises is I expect someone to hold me to my promises since I hold people to theirs. I understand if things get in the way etc., but I wonder what ever happened to people and their word? If you don't think you can keep it, don't agree to it. Right? Am I wrong to have this opinion?

My neighbor just shared some cookies with me. That was cool of him. All we've been having for meals the last few days is lunch sack meals. For me it's been nothing but peanut butter and jelly. The other meals for everyone else have bologna or salami. I can't believe I used to like that stuff. It looks nasty to me, now. Eck!

I think I'm going to stand on my bed and stair out the window for an hour. If the guards ask me what I'm doing I'm going to say, "Just trying to absorb my dose of vitamin D, sir." Lord knows I need it! I'm so pale right now…

April 02, 2006

Sigh...I'm in a pretty bad mood right now. I'm just really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really disappointed in someone right now. I'm at my wits' end… You give all you have to have to give. You fight and fight. And what do you see as a result? Absolutely nothing. Squat. What's the use of even putting up an effort, if you don't see any results. Or the other side just doesn't seem to give a rat's buttocks.

I'm just fed up and tired and don't want to hear excuses. I'm tired of excuses. I'm tired of disappointment. All it's building up is resentment and I don't need that negative energy coursing through my brain and body.

I'm going to end up rotting away…
If I don't quit this game.
I've got to get away.
From this.

April 3, 2006

It's a very warm and grey Monday. I think around 87°. That's Texas spring for you. I've just returned from a wonderful visit with my friend David. It was pretty busy down there again. But well worth the visit, for sure. We actually took some very good pictures also, which I hope to post up very soon as soon as I get copies. I kind of violated grooming rules the past few days and grew a little goatee – just something a bit different to compensate for my lack of hair :) I need to go ahead and shave it off before I get in trouble. I'd hate to lose what measly privileges I have over a stupid hair ball on my chin. Ha. Ha. I hope to get some more pictures tomorrow, also.

I've got some books to read that I recieved this morning. One about woman locked up in York Institute in Connecticut and also a novel called "Jim The Boy". Which despite it's lame title and horrible cover (what's the old maxim 'never judge a book by it's cover'??) looks to be pretty good. I think I'll start reading them in a short while.

I'm getting kind of tired of eating nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We're still on this lockdown and it's all I can get to eat. Thank God I'm not starving, but sheesh… I'm starting to have some very bad intestin­al difficulties here. Major blockage and gas… Ugh. They don't give you special meals according to your diet on lockdown, so it's like you have to take what you get. Thank goodness for the visits. Okay, time to do some reading.

8:30 pm, okay… I'm a bit peeved right now. Disappointed and… MAD… Didn't get any mail, which isn't a problem, but I didn't get mail from a SPECIFIC person, who keeps LETTING ME DOWN… ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH!

Anyways, so I'm pretty close to finishing the book on the woman locked up. It's pretty touching. Then I'll start this other book.

I think I'll close this for now…

April 04, 2006

Wow… I never thought my visits with David would end so fast. 16 hours overall. I had what was called "Special visits", which means any visitors over 300 something miles are allowed to visit for 8 hours over the period of two days. Because you can have this visit once each month, we scheduled it out so that we would visit at the end of March and beginning of April. 16 hours.

We talked the gamut on things. Politics, books, writing, life in general. David has shown me what true loyalty and friendship means. Loyalty is such a powerful word to use and it means so much, but we rarely see true loyalty in our normal lives. Sure we'll be devoted to friends, but how devoted? Devotion isn't loyalty. Loyalty means you'll put your things behind to come to your side. That, no matter what happens, no matter what people might say, you will stand by that person's side, no matter what. You'll never stab them in the back or abandon them…

Which got me thinking about a person in my live, who was also very true and loyal and, well, I wasn't the same, I feel horrible about it now. Mary may not like me write about this, but I have to get it off my chest… I'm not doing it to make her jealous or anything. It just makes me feel guilty and bad about how I treated this person in the end. I don't want it to be confused with regret because I did choose Mary and I still love Mary. Regardless of what's happened to our relationship. I wouldn't have changed that, I don't think.

Jennifer was, though, as good of a friend that one could have, and I threw it away. She was loyal to me, but I wasn't to her. She attended every single day of my jury selection and most of my trial. On the day that I was given the death sentence she was crying along with Mary. She allowed me and encouraged me to love her children – which I did. I adored them. They brought me true happiness and I loved being at a visit with them and playing and laughing with them. But then… I don't know. I just brushed her aside. It wasn't my intentions. I just was so far into Mary… Sigh.

I just want to say, I'm sorry, Jennifer. I really am. I don't know, if you're reading this or not, but I'm sorry, I wasn't as loyal as you were.

Anyways, I took some more pictures, which I think came out pretty good. More will be posted very soon!

Wow. This book "Jim The Boy" is excellent. Kind of like Hemmingway. Very simple sentence structures, but very powerful and descriptive. Kind of a heart wrench I like it a lot. The author is Tony Early.

Right now the sun is shining through my little window and I'm listening to Rice University on the radio. I'm kind of tired right now. A little sad. Missing so many things in my life… I try to make the best of what I have, but you know there's things you always want… Will always miss.

Sigh…

When will I understand, why we have the lives that we have? Yeah, we choose our paths, but so many things influence your decision in choosing that path. Sometimes that path isn't always clear of brush and rocks. Dangerous critters and beast to jump out at you. Do you stand strong and brave and fight them off… or do you allow yourself to be devoured by them?

I'm talking gibberish.

I think I will close here. Maybe I'll write more later on. Maybe not.

April 05, 2006

I actually had planned on writing a little bit more last night, but I was so frustrated and angry… First they move me to the freakin' discipline pod. No, I'm not there for any infraction, it's just the only place they had to move me to. When I get here the first thing I notice is the horrible smell. It smells like a combination of pepper spray, shit and body odor. Not very pleasant. The oxymoron of it all is the pod is surprisingly clean, so I can only guess that it's coming from some of these cells. Thank God mine was very clean and didn't have to do much to move in. I think if it was nasty, I would have gone off. My patience was very limited last night. Compound this with someone who continues to disappoint and I was on edge. I did get mail, but it was some printouts of my MySpace page, which was nice enough, but still upset me.

I have to clarify that in no way do I hold myself above anyone. I've got my own faults and I'm sure there are plenty of inmates, that can't stand me. In fact…, I KNOW there's a lot who hate my guts because of my personality. I'm too "friendly" and honest and not too many like me preaching about compassion. Saying that, I don't want to be associated with people whom I think are sociopaths, or racists or are in gangs… Such as a few "friends" on the MySpace page. I have to remove them. It's not that I don't care for them. We're all humans, and I truly hope and believe all can be redeemed. I mean, I wasn't exactly the greatest guy on earth some years ago. I was a thief, a liar and everything else. I was selfish. I only thought of my self and on and on…

But… having these guys on the MySpace page only invites trouble… And so I got upset. One, I know I've got some hot shot prosecutor watching my every move for one screw to use against me in my appeals. Two, I know TDCJ authorities monitor all of that stuff for inmate involvement, too… So, unless ( I ) approve them on my site and I know their character and know who they are and are true friends with them, I have to keep them off the page. I've got no other choice. Sometimes life is rough.

Hope you didn't mind me venting a bit. I'm still a little worked up.

It's still early Wednesday morning. A little humid and grey. I looked out my window in this cell, I'm in, and there's a field with some horses roaming around, nibbling on wild flowers and grass. Yes, the grass ( IS ) greener on the other side of the fence. There are a lot of birds, too. I think they like hanging around this prison because there are so many perches for them to chill out on. Fences, bars, barbed wired, razor wire. If I was a bird I'd totally dig hanging around here. Not so much as a human, though.

And these birds eat damn good, too! You should see how fat they are. Big ol' puffy bellies. Filled, probably with grubs and worms. Bread that inmates throw to them. It's pretty amazing that I live in a country, where even the animals eat so good. Almost makes you feel guilty.

Don't really have a clue of what I should do today. I do plan on reading a lot. I should write a few letters and work on my novel – which I've decided to completely rewrite it. I'm taking away the billion plot twists and I'm going to streamline it into one story. So, it's back to the drawing board.

I haven't written any songs or poetry lately, so If I'm inspired I really should try to write something. I guess, I'm kind of holding off because right now I just want to write angry stuff, and I don't want to be taken out of context (self censoring myself… what is the world coming to?); so better not to write anything.

I think I will stop here. Maybe something exciting will happen today. We need some excitement through this boring lockdown.

Maybe more later. Who knows. Peace.

The day has come to an end… I'm winding down and while I haven't a had a very eventful day, I have accomplished a few things.

I decided to go ahead and write my biological mother. I haven't written her in a couple of years, and I think it's time to try again, maybe bury the hatchet. I can't keep holding a grudge. It doesn't fit well in my "new" skin, of being compassionate etc.

Rumor has it, we're going to be ending the lockdown within the next day or so. I hope it's true. I'm getting a little stir crazy and I really need to go out and jog for a while, maybe get somebody to play some ball.

They still haven't passed out mail. Hmmm. Wonder what's up with that.

My thoughts are kind of scattered right now. Sorry. I think I'll listen to Jay Leno and then try to get some sleep. But first, I have to plop this into an envelope and mail it off to Germany to get posted. I figure why not a little early??

Time to go. Bye-bye.

April 06, 2006

It's 6:38 pm, and I think the lockdown is close to wrapping up. About an hour ago we had our first hot, normal meal in 11 days. I never thought I'd be so happy to have a tray full of beans and peas and mixed vegetables. I was eating it like a five star meal. Hopefully, the same can be said about breakfast. I have grown to dislike pancakes here, but, boy, am I ready for some of those rubbery things. Yum.

Today was insanely boring. More so than any of the days on lockdown. I suppose it's because I'm also very depressed right now. When I get depressed I can't really bring myself to do much more than stare at the wall and listen to the radio. I would read off and on, but then my mind would drift and I'd start thinking about things and… Fall right back in.

I guess I'm just really hurt by someone's actions right now. I've never known them to be this insensitive and selfish. I've never known them to have such a lack of… heart? Caring? I don't know. It just really bothers me and I'm thinking of those days when I had the "Nuclear Option" and just saying screw it. You do what you gotta do. I'll do what I have to do. Or as the man who was drunk and being shaken down said, "Fuck it!"

But no… I'm not like that. I'll continue to torture myself and hope they'll come around and see the results of their behavior. Ironic, considering my life to be just the opposite. I should get a tattoo across my forehead that reads in big black letters "IRONY".

I hope to get some mail tonight. That just might lift my spirits a bit. I haven't heard from my friend Ilene in a long time. She's the person I knew growing up and hadn't seen in like 15 years or so.

I did listen to KDOL earlier today and they said they are getting rid of the Friday edition of the Shout Out Show and can only afford to run it Sundays. I wonder what that's all about. I will miss it on Fridays. It made the evening quite pleasant.

I need to shave. Haven't shaved in two and a half days. Starting to look like grizzly Adams. Ugh.

April 07, 2006

It's a little after eight at night. I sit here typing this with tears in my eyes because I think I've lost someone for good. I don't know, but what can I do to change it? I can't keep tormenting myself over something I have no freakin' control over. It hurts, but it hurts more that the person I loved more than anything on earth has broken such a promise and not even give me a final goodbye or explanation.

And as if things couldn't get any more ironic, her mother whom I used to not really get along with too well has been writing often and calling me her only son etc. Lord am I confused. I do appreciate the letters and support from her, but right now it only makes things harder – and I will explain this to her the best that I can. It's like, sheesh, my mother-in-law can right me, but my so called "best friend" and (still, but soon to be ex-) wife can't?

Loyalty. Loyalty. Loyalty. It doesn't mean squat anymore.

What the hell is wrong with me? Do I have a sign stapled to my back that says "Kick Me"??? 'Cause I sure do kicked an awful lot. And more so when I'm already down.

Yeah, I know… Boo-hoo. Get over it, Randy! Brush the dust off your pants and get on that bull again. Life is bull and life can be a bull.

We're still on lockdown and now the rumor is we won't be coming off of it until this coming up Monday or Tuesday. I've got to get out of this cell. I've got to get outside and get some fresh air. This has almost been two weeks now. It's insane.

To top that off on my list of crappy events my neighbors are taking advantage of my generosity… I've been letting them listen to my radio through my speaker and at first they were both like, "Listen to whatever you want… We haven't heard music in months…" I even asked them at first, hey, you guys want to listen to something specific let me know… And now it's like, "Hey, change the channel. This sucks…" or "What the hell are you listening to? Put it on this!" It's getting on my nerves. I put my foot down a little while ago and said, "I've let y'all listen to this all day. It's Randy's time now!" I don't mind helping a person out, but, geeze, don't be ungrateful. Right?

I spent most of that day today reading this book on World War Two. It's pretty good. A memoir. It only solidifies my thinking in why war should end. Why do we do it to ourselves? Makes no sense. And the soldiers are so young.

Such a shame on loss of life.

God, my thoughts are really fragmented tonight. I think I could ramble on forever and not really say anything at all.

I think tomorrow I'll write some story from my past. Probably Sunday, too. Until then, I'm going to close this up here and take my radio back and listen to what I WANT to listen to. I'm feeling like some T.V. tonight.

April 08, 2006

Just got finished writing to my mother-in-law. Glad that's out of the way. It's a little after four in the afternoon now on this bright and sunny Saturday. Very nice outside, which is a shame we're still on lockdown. I could go for some serious sunshine. I need some color to me – BAD!

Earlier this morning some church group came by and dropped a bag of cookies off to everyone on Death Row as an early Easter treat. It was very kind of them. The cookies were fantastic. Very chewey with lots of chocolate chips in them. Each bag had about 10 very big cookies… I ate them all :) I couldn't help it. I love me some cookies. *Big Smile*

After I woke up I took a little bath out of my sink because during a lockdown you don't get showers on the weekend. Actually you only get 3 showers out of 7 days on a lockdown. It's a retarded restriction… Why would they want people to stink? Then the guards come around and complain, "Boy, y'all stink"! I'll never understand half of these rules.

My neighbors are driving me up the wall. I've been listening to what I want to listen to, but right now I'm not listening to anything while I type and they're fighting over what to put it on. Like some children… "No, I want to listen to this…" "But I want to listen to that!" Whaaaaa!

I was going to access my memory banks and write about some things in the past, but truthfully my thoughts are preoccupied with other stuff.

I think I'll take a little nap here in a few minutes, then try to knock out the rest of this World War Two book I'm reading. I've got about a hundred pages left. These types of books tend to be a bit tedious.

I wish I had more to write about. I was hoping that something exciting would happen today, maybe somebody would have acted out, but nothing. It's been so peaceful and uneventful – which is always nice, but for substance to my journal, doesn't add a whole lot.

I think that does it for today unless something pops up or I'm inspired to write something else.

Just got up from my nap. I thought I'd stop writing and I will soon, but I just wanted to ramble on for a little bit more. I heard on the news there were a bunch of tornados. I tell you what, the weather lately has been com­pletely nuts. Like right now… It's starting to get grey outside again. Crazy times indeed.

I'm wondering what Mary is doing. She's changed her off days now to where she's off on the weekends and I'm sure she's out having fun. Must be nice. I wish I could blow people off as good as some people can.

Alright. I've written enough. This will be it for today. Adios!

April 09, 2006

Another slow day. I guess a cool front came in last night 'cause it's been a little chilly all day long. Tomorrow is supposed to warm back up. I will say, however that it has looked gorgeous outside. Very nice indeed.

I hope upon hopes that tomorrow we will be allowed to go to rec. Two weeks of this insanity. It really drains you mentally to be kept up in a concrete box all day long.

Okay, I had to know this coming, but late last night I got into a bad argument with my neighbors… It started around eleven at night. I was listening to "Saturday Night Live" on NBC and my neighbor asked that when I went to sleep could I put it on a particular station. I told him I was going to check out KTRU in a short while, but yeah, once I went to sleep I would. Well, while I was listening to KTRU this real mellow Sigur Ros song came on and I dozed off. I woke back up at breakfast time and my neighbor starts cussing me out because I didn't put it on. I was like, "Dude, I fell asleep." He keeps going so I just unhooked the radio wires completely and said, I'm going back to the headphones. Listen to the music in your head.

Needless to say, I'm still listening to my headphones while they have squat. I may let them listen to something later on. Who knows. I hate being dis­respected.

Not much else has been happening. Just waiting to see if someone calls in to KDOL or not. I really don't have my hopes up, but… You never know. I already got a good message from my friend, Josef.

This will probably be the last entry in a while. My webmaster is going on vacation so things will be down for two weeks or so… Hopefully I'll have some more exciting to tell in the next days/weeks.

Tonight I will spend the evening listening to some music and reading. Such fun to be had! Woohoo…

Guess that does it for now. Peace.

April 11, 2006

Yeah!!! We're finally off of lockdown. I finally got to get out of this cell and go to the day room and exercise and jog. Get my mind away from things. The guards woke me up at 6 in the morning and asked if I was going to rec. I was kind of dazed, still asleep and said, "yeah", then they said get ready. I hopped out of bed happy as all can be.

The day has been a lot better, but I'm still a little upset. Still no mail from a particular somebody. I'm starting think I've been cast aside. Hmmm. Won't be the first time, probably not the last either. All I can do is try not to worry about something I have no control over and just pick up the pieces and move on. One thing this mess has caused me to do is fall out of love, though. Still care and all of that. But that 'in love' feeling is just gone. Weird how that all works…

It looks nice outside, though it is a little humid. East Texas weather no doubt. Very odd indeed.

I need to clean my cell up. I have a feeling I'll be moved tonight. If not tonight, definitely tomorrow… I do kind of hope I will stay in this cell for just one more day. It's not too bad. Just my neighbors that drive me up the wall… Though, they've chilled out a little bit. They know I'm in control so they've eased back. In fact, I'm letting them listen to the radio right now.

But not for long! It's about time to get my dose of some college rock, oh yeah, Rice University time…

Well, maybe I'll have more to say later on… Gonna get to some other things.

April 12, 2006

This is nuts… I've been moved to F-pod. When I was told I was moving here I thought, okay, I'll just deal with it and make the best of the week. When I was told I was moving to F-section, I got upset. Why, you ask? Because this section "Level 3", which means, it's the very worst of the discipline actions, the dungeon. Pure insanity. Now, mind you I'm thinking, I'll still do the best that I can. It's only a week and at least I have my radio to listen to block out all the noise. I was still pissed they were putting me on this section, because I'm not supposed to be here. The rules and security procedures clearly state, that no "Level 1" offender should be housed in the same area as a "Level 2" or "Level 3"… Technically no Death Row offender should be around a normal prisoner either, but that doesn't keep them from still doing it.

But, I grin and bear it and move in. I was relieved that it was very clean and very quiet. I thought, hmmm…, maybe this won't be so bad after all. Until I plugged in my coax cable and radio. Nothing but freakin' static. Turns out they had removed all of the cables so that "Level 3" offenders would not have access to the radio. (Some smuggle radios into their cell, when as part of their punishment you lose radio privileges until you are once again "Level 1".)

Oh yeah, I lost my cool then. No music? I ain't trying to hear it. I made a big fuss and to the guards credit he did try to rehook a cable up for me, but something had been jammed into the connector piece that my cable screws onto. 

I had to dig up my "t" antenna and hook it up to my radio and then move around every inch of the cell until I finally picked up a signal. Then I hooked up my FM booster and made the signal stronger so I'm not going without now, but my favorite stations are hard to keep in. They fade in and out. Kind of frustrating. What do you do. I could go off and raise hell and try to get moved out of this cell, but then I could end up on discipline myself. It's a freakin' catch 22. You can't win for losing. Sheesh…

Well, I'm very tired and I'm going to crash out. I do like how dark this cell gets with lights out. Should sleep good.

Goodnight!

April 13, 2006

B.O.R.I.N.G. day. Absolutely nothing happened today. I got up and exercised trying out some new routines I got from a men's journal – whew, pretty intense. Then I was going to go outside, but really I didn't feel like talking to anyone today, so I turned down rec. and got caught up on some writing…

April 14, 2006

I'm such an idiot! I started to type and at first nothing was printing. I'm looking at the paper thinking, what in the world? I almost started to panic hoping my type writer wasn't broken. Then it dawned on me to check the ribbon and to my dismay there wasn't a ribbon loaded in! Duh. Nice one, Randy.

Today was okay. I went to recreation and got stuck in the day room for about four hours. Don't get me wrong. I love being out of this cell, but trapped for hours in a cage isn't much of a difference compared to a cell. You just have a little more room to move.

I did catch a comical, if not idiotic conversation of two guys belittling themselves. One black guy and one white guy. The whole argument consisted of the words, Black, White, boy, Nigger, ho and bitch, Oh and ass. Mix those words up into any arrangement and you had their fifteen minute long fight. Sheesh. I think they both sounded like jack asses. Good ol' F-pod. I think I'm going to write a song called "The F-Pod Blues".

This guard said he was going to try to fix this coax cable later on. I hope he does. I do miss getting my late night chuckles. Well, it's only a week or so without, so it's not like I'll be suffering, but still.

We were supposed to go to commissary today, but they never showed up. Looks like I'll be waiting another week.

Mail just came. Yea! Got a wonderful card from Mary. Very cute. Also, a friend from the school I went to wrote. That was really cool to read. And then some copies of pictures that I took last week. Cool. Might be a boring weekend, but at least I won't be depressed!

Not a whole lot else is going on. Still waiting for this guard to show up to fix my coax cable. I'm listening to KTRU and they're playing some real good electronic music. Some live DJ is in the studio mixing it up. Sounds great.

April 17, 2006

Today has been interesting… Sorry I didn't have anything to write yesterday. Well, I could've managed something, but it was choose between listening to KDOL or typing. It seems every time I turned my typewriter on that specific station, the typewriter would jam the signal. I'm serious. I said screw it and out it off.

Right now I'm listening to some college rock and, man, they're playing some good stuff. Heard some The Cure, The Smiths , Cocteau Twins.

My day started with two mail room ladies knocking on my door to hand me some refusal forms. Seems we're not allowed stickers anymore. I would get stickers in some of my letters and they would come in with no problem. I asked when they stopped allowing them in and according to them there's a new mail room supervisor and she's ruling with an iron fist. Could explain my current mail problems. Plus, now everything that's coming in has this big red stamp that says, "TDCJ Approved". Well, no joke. If it wasn't approved I wouldn't get it in the first place… A waste of time and resources if you ask me. What has that got to do with security?

It kind of upset me, but what can you do? The rules here change everyday. And it's not to throw you off. It's just a lack of intelligence and consist­ency. And common sense. I swear you could put a hundred of these so called officials in a room with a bunch of typewriters and monkeys would have typed out Shakespeare's works faster than them…

So, then I exercise to blow off steam. That went well enough, but I was hungry as a horse. I was actually excited about lunch.. Only I didn't get lunch! I get a special vegetarian tray and it wasn't on the food cart and the guards forgot to go to the kitchen to get it. I got a sergeant involved and by the time anything was done, the kitchen was closed. I was so pissed! However, even though I haven't eaten in OVER 24 hours (!!!) the guard promised me two dinner trays. We'll see if he holds to his promise. I don't have a lot of confidence in these guys. It's funny that you can trust an inmate more than them half of the time. Hell, half of the guards are dirtier than your common criminal.

Today has been about 90°, pretty hot. I can tell it's going to be a hot, hot summer.

So hungry…

I hope I get moved tonight. If not tonight, then tomorrow. Get me off of this Pod!!!

April 24, 2006

It's Monday and it looks like it's a gorgeous day outside. I wish I was out­side! I'm hoping tomorrow is just as nice 'cause it is our outside day. I'm hoping to get a sun burn! Trust me, I need some color to me.

I'm also hoping to see Mary tomorrow or sometime this week. I would really like that. We'll see.

Today has been half way decent. I spent some time rewriting my introduction to my web site. I typed up some new poems and after this I will do some reading, oh, and I'm having a guy design/draw, a sort of front page for my website.

I hope it comes out good. He's a good artist, I just got some cards made from him and they're awesome. I wish I could draw.

Right now it's really loud. This guy down the run is contradiction if I've ever seen one. He was yelling at my neighbor for singing too loud yesterday and now he's blasting away. And way off key, too! It kind of sounds like a cat in heat.

Then, this female guard is in the control room arguing with the guards on the floor through the intercom system. The argument is, she doesn't want to leave the control room, and one of the guards wants to get his break, and the lady is refusing to come out. "I don't want to go on the floor, them sonsofbitches will just jack off on me! I ain't coming out!" The other guard yelled, "If you don't like it then quit! You're working at a goddamn men's prison!" wild. Ha. Ha.

On another section I can hear someone yelling, "Woohoo! Woohoo! Yoooooowww!" What the hell is going on around here? Am I in the twilight zone?

Maybe it'll calm down when the mail is passed out. Who knows?

April 25, 2006

Today I'm feeling the worst since probably the day I was sentenced to death. I just feel like hanging myself or something. Or crawling into a hole and rotting away. (Only there are no holes to crawl into around this place.)

I had planned on writing more last night and I was feeling good and having a string of incredible good luck. Someone who lived in the cell before me had shoved something into the air vent and it was driving me nuts so I would off and on try to fish it out, to no avail. I'd give up and then try again, give up and then try again… Then it dawned on me to try making a little hook out of some bread ties. Voila! It worked. I was feeling like a champion.

Then I went to recreation after I typed my entry and went to play basketball and kicked some butt. I wasn't even supposed to go to rec. because it was our off day. The only catch was, I wouldn't get a shower. Fine by me, I'd just wash off on my sink. Not the best place for a bath, but, hey…, sometimes you've got to sacrifice. So, I got to go outside and won like 40 games to 11 or something. Now all I needed was some mail and I'd have a damn near perfect day.

But there is such thing as too mush of good thing, I suppose. Got mail. Just didn't get the kind of mail I wanted. I got the worst freakin' letter in my life and, well…, wanted to crawl into a hole.

It carried into today. I wasn't able to get to sleep until after three in the morning and then I had to get back up at 6:30 am or so. I'm still shaken up. And this whole incident is my own idiotic self's fault. Why can't I just keep my big mouth shut? Why can't I think about things before I say or write them sometimes? Argh. I'm a freakin' imbecile. I don't know if I caused permanent damage or what. God, I hope not. I really hope not. I'd rather die than have that happen. Just stick the freakin' needle in my arm and get it over with…

I'm an idiot! Argh, I hurt so much right now…

Despite all of that and my general end of the world mood, I managed to get through this God forsaken day. Somehow. I even managed to go outside and play ball. The day started out looking like it was going rain, but then it cleared up and the afternoon was (in spite of my mood) quite beautiful. I don't know how I managed to win any games, but I did. I wasn't even trying to win. Not even putting forth an effort to win. After we played a few games, I just laid in the sun, letting it pound on my bald ass head and face and sunburn me. Now I look like a lobster.

Then, I was moved to E-pod. I like where I'm at and the cell was clean. I'm on the Level one side, so it's better than the last time I was down here on E-pod. Plus, I don't have neighbors being rude and bugging me about the radio. Nope. Thank God.

But still, I feel awful. Horrible inside. Like something just withered up and died.

Why am I an idiotic, moronic SOB????

April 26, 2006

Not really feeling much better today. I mean, I don't exactly want to crawl into a hole, but still…

My day has only been so-so. Got up at six in the morning and did my work out routine and then talked with a few guys about prison politics and such and the problems with the mail room.

The only thing about that is, I get all riled up and have these ideas and try to follow through and getting some action done on these issues and all the guys who say they want to help and make changes, too, end up hiding in their tortoise shells and peeking out when it's all over. I understand they fear retaliation from the administration – and they do retaliate, but really what can they do? They already have our lives. Sheesh.

Right now I'm waiting on mail call. Not that I really expect anything. You try not to get your hopes up, because when the guard passes your cell, it's like the worst feeling in the world. You go, "Nobody loves me!!" Ha. Ha. But really everyone of us hopes on a letter or two. Even junk mail.

I'm sitting here thinking about canceling my MySpace page. I thought it would be cool to have and let people know about my normal site, but the more I think about it, I don't like it. It's kind of creepy. Like, this one guy back here who has a page showed me some printouts of his "friends" list and stuff and it just was odd. And then you hear all of these reports of like sexual predators and kids plotting shoot outs etc… And then some of these females… No self respect. The same for males, too. They put all of their sexual information up. It's like chumming the waters for sharks, if you ask me. Why would anyone want to invite that type of stuff? Creepy.

Just got me "Necessities". What that is, is laundry. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays you get clean sets of towels, jumpers, socks and boxers. Tuesday they give you socks and boxers and a face towel. Thursday nights it's bed linens. Saturday we're lucky to get anything at all and Sundays is generally when we're issued five small bars of soap. Some Comet® to clean our sinks and toilets with and a shaving razor. Generally, I wash my own clothing, because I have a small germ phobia. I'm always paranoid of getting Hepatitis or something. I've noticed I can get quite obsessive compulsive here lately. I hope I don't turn into Howard Hughes! Can you imagine? Ha. Ha.

Wow. Got some mail. Some stuff from my friend David. Cool. I guess all in all today wasn't terrible. Tomorrow? Hey. Could be a different story altogether. But…

I PRAY for the best. Please Lord, let tomorrow be okay. Let me smooth out my troubles. Speak through me, guide my heart and soul to say the right things and allow their heart to open. Let this pain go away. Let me make this right. I'm tired of feeling miserable.

April 27, 2006

Well, I'm no longer feeling so miserable. Still kind of blah, but better than the previous days. That's for sure. Mary came today and we had a real nice visit. Laughed and all of that. I'll keep the rest to myself, but I'm not very keen on this love thing right now.

Put it like this, I really don't think I could ever get married again. What's the point? Agh.

No, but really it was great seeing her and my heart and soul are very happy. She's a wonderful person.

The day was actually kind of slow. I had gotten up a little before seven because they denied a magazine from me. I have had something denied by the mail room eight days in a row, now. Whether it's stickers or books or a magazine. Ridiculous. Today the magazine they denied was Maxim, which really is a junk magazine anyways, with scantily clad woman (I sheepishly smile) (Hey, I am a Male :)) But the reason they denied it, was because it allegedly had "Chemical formulas". What the hell? Like we really have access to that anyways – unless it's of the controlled substance type chemicals… Another case of wasted time resources. Worrying about the inmate and not the guard. Nuts.

So, the mail room lady hands me the denial form that I have to sign and tell them how I want it disposed of. I notice on the form she's already filled it out for me and has checked the "No appeal" box. Now, I have the right to appeal anything denied to me. It then goes to a review board and they decide whether or not it was right or wrong to deny me of an item. I run a line through the "No appeal" box, she checked, and then checked the "appeal" box. I hand the paper back to her and she goes. "You can't appeal!" I said, "Sure, I can. I have a right to an appeal and besides, you forged my paper work." Boy, she got so mad. She snaps, "Whatever!" and storms off. Hey, it's not my fault.

Oh well. Guess I'll go for the night. I've gotta do some reading.

April 28, 2006

Seems here lately I'm lucky if I can get more than four hours of sleep. I don't know what it is. I get to sleep around 1:30 am or 2 in the morning and then get right back up at six or a little after. And I'm not even worn out from lack of sleep. I might get a little sluggish, but more often than not I'm okay. Plus, I work out an hour or more each day. Maybe with the exercise and vegetarianism thing I'm just healthier and ­therefore have more energy. I guess it's neither here nor there and I'm rambling so…

Today was slow. I went outside and walked around. The guy, I went outside with, wasn't a ball player. I came back in and did some reading and then filled out some paper work. Then did some reading. I've been lollygagging on writing. Haven't felt too inspired lately. But, my neighbor did teach me a neat little trick with my typewriter ribbon. A real money saver, that's for sure. I was quite please and tried it out and it worked. Woohoo! You do what you have to stay on top around this place.

Just got my mail. One letter was on time and the other, which really was just junk mail, took like 13 days. Sheesh. The "real" letter I recieved was just confirmation that my written interview had been recieved and will be posted soon. So I look forward to that. The place put up a little profile of me. When I know more, there will be a link up to it, I'm sure. Patience!

Broken dreams and broken minds.
Falling trees and love unkind.
Break me down. Every single time.
Shadows prey, their ungodly ways.

What the hell? Where in the world did that come from? I think I'm losing it a little bit. Ha. Ha.

This looks yummy… I'm looking at this vegetarian magazine I get and it's got this recipe for orzo pasta with feta and tomatoes… Geeze, I'm drooling at the mouth. It reads:
1 cup uncooked orzo pasta.
1 tsp. extra virgin olive oil. (God, I love olive oil period!)
1 medium tomato, chopped (1 cup).
½ cup crumpled feta cheese.
2 tsp. finely chopped fresh parsley.
½ tsp. grated lemon pee.
2 tsp. fresh lemon juice.
Salt and pepper to taste… Prepare pasta according to package directions. Drain. In a medium bowl or serving bowl combine pasta and oil. Toss to coat. Add remaining ingredients. Toss to combine. Serve warm. Makes 4 to 6 servings. Holy cow, I'm so freakin' hungry now!!! You gotta be kidding me!

On that note I think I'll go or else I'm going to start trying to eat this typewriter! Peace.

April 29, 2006

Today has certainly started off weird enough. I had the craziest dream last night. It ended with me waking up in a cold sweat and if anyone can decipher it, please feel free to let me know, 'cause it scared the crap out of.

I was sitting here in my cell, when several guards showed up at my door. One of them banged on it with a night stick and said, "C'mon, Halprin. It's your execution day. Time to go." I looked at them crazy and said, "My appeals aren't even over. You're out of your minds." So, then they run into my cell and drag me out. Now, I start to panic and I'm yelling, "I need to call my brother! I need to call Mary!" And suddenly I'm being strapped down to a gurney and I'm screaming and yelling and crying. Finally I just give up and say a prayer to God and right as I'm about to be killed I wake up.

How crazy is that? I mean, I can look at it in several different ways. Afraid of death, unresolved issues in my life… It just freaked me out.

When I finally get out of bed a little after 7 in the morning it's raining like crazy outside. I get up, have some coffee, and then brush my teeth, shave my face and head and then do some laundry and cleaning. Lunch comes. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Navy beans, sauerkraut, rice and lemonade. Not terribly bad.

When the guards come back around to pick up our trays, there's this female guard. She's a little older, but not too bad. Half way cute. The other guard is standing at my neighbor's cell and so she slides her fingers into the side of my door and mouths the words, "Touch me." I'm looking at her crazy as hell. My first thought is: Is she trying to set me up? So when I don't touch her fingers, she looks at me with a mad expression and says, "Fine, don't." Then they go to the next cell and so on. I was just dumbfounded. I mean, it's not every day someone says "touch me", and even if, sometimes these female officers will set a guy up and as soon as they act on it the female guard will write them up with a discipline case or an assault case. I ain't trying to hear it. I think if she comes back around, I'll ask her if she was serious. Don't want her to think I'm gay or something. Ha. Ha. *Shrugs* Not that there's anything wrong with that. (A line from Seinfeld :p )

I don't know when I'll be going to recreation today. It seems to be very slow, but if anything exciting comes up, I'll be writing more later on. It's still early on in the day.

Well, I just got in from going outside. I got real lucky. Earlier it was real stormy and then I wasn't supposed to go outside, but we asked the guards­ – my neighbor and me – and they said it was cool. I got about 45 minutes of real good baking sun and then I jogged and we talked. I told him that I'd sell my soul for freedom. I really would. Because I know the value. Who knows, maybe the after life is ten times better, but right now… I just want to walk the streets. Go to a movie. Walk on a trail in some beautiful forest. Wrap my arms around a woman and kiss her tenderly on the lips. Oh, just to smell some sweet perfume on a lovers neck. Why am I deprived of such things?

I've done bad things in my life, but do I have to be punished forever? Why must I be kept away from the things I love so much? Man, I'd almost sell my soul – sell my life for just 24 hours. If someone important came up to my cell and said, we've got a deal for you: You have to drop your appeals right now. However, in return we're going to give you a full 24 hours to do whatever you want. To be with anyone you want… I'd do it. It'd be the sweetest twenty four hours I've ever had. I could pass away from this world peacefully.

But instead, I suffer the wishes, the hopes, the desires of things I can never have. It's my own personal hell.

I finally wrote Part 3 of my short memoir series "The Beginning Of The End". I had to cram a whole lot in to keep it short, but once I put everything together in my actual memoir, I will expand it. There's a lot I skipped. I might fill in the gaps here and there in my journal so stay tuned!

April 30, 2006

The last day of April. Not sure how I feel about all of that. Oh well.

Just got done eating dinner. I pretty much eat the same thing every meal, so I decided to experiment today. I took my green beans and dumped them into my hot pot and poured a little jalapeno hot sauce onto them. Then I let the green beans simmer for about 10 minutes. Once I cooked them, I poured them into my bowl and sprinkled some black pepper on it. It was pretty tasty. I liked the unique flavor the jalapeno sauce it gave the green beans. Not too shabby.

Hey, I just wanted to say hello to my new friend, Michelle. Hi, Michelle :) Should've done that a couple of days ago, but my mind was so occupied with other stuff.

I'm reading a pretty good book right now my neighbor loaned me. It's called The Hero with A Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell. It's about how religion and mythology are pretty much the same thing. Each religion borrows from another. I like how it breaks it all down.

Haven't done much else today. I should do some laundry and tidy up, but other than that, it's been kind of bland. I looked out my window and it made me sick! It was so beautiful! I had an urge to fly a kite. I haven't flown a kite since I was about 13 years old! In fact, the last kite I ever owned was one of those nylon ones and the line broke and the kite flew away never to be seen again (Story of my life…)

Had to take a time out to do some push ups and sit ups. What I'm doing now is my normal work out in the mornings, then at three or a little after, into the afternoon, I do some push ups etc. Just a little trick to speed my meta­bolism up. Then before I go to bed I will do some more. I read it will help burn fat faster, so… we'll see if it works…

I think I will wrap this up and mail it on it's way. It's getting hot here sitting at my typewriter. My butts sweating! Ha. Ha. Sorry if that was too much information.

Peace and Love.

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