Randy's Journal (April 2008)
Note to readers of these entries: There are many
grammatical, punctuation and typing errors. It would be incredibly time
consuming to go through each entry and correct the mistakes, so I ask
that the reader please forgive me of these errors. Each entry goes
through several hands in the process of getting my words from death row
to your computer screen in a timely fashion. Thank you for your
patience. I hope you will enjoy my writings.
4/1/08
A new months, a new day and the sun is shining after a really hard
storm…I woke up this morning determined to get out of my funk.
I've felt like a train hit me over the past few weeks. Things just
seemed to keep stacking up and the loss of sleep didn't help. It was
funny in a way, too, because they had moved all of the AD-SEG
disciplinaries to F-pod about four days before I was moved and I
thought, "Whew! Finally I'll be able to sleep." I was so happy…Not
thirty minutes later they moved a crazy guy next to me. I felt sorry
for him in a way and was as nice as possible to him, giving him some
cookies and coffee when he asked for it, but all he would do is sing
and clap and laugh all night long and half the day. Have you ever
chased sleep? You look for those quiet moments when you can lie down
and take advantage of it…And then bang-bang-bang on your cell wall and
a "Hey, Randy! Randy, homeboycanIhaveashotofcoffeeandcookies?!!?" in
rapid fire speech at decibels loud enough to rattle your brain. Sleep
runs away laughing at you. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
Finally, last Thursday I was moved and shocked at how quiet it was on
the section I was moved to, but by then I was already in a deep
depression. I was upset that I should've been in Dallas, my friend
Ving was sent back to death row after a retrial, I was upset over my
recent break up and then I got news that my ex-wife is pregnant. That
was like kicking me when I was already down, because all I could do
was think about the fact that I will never have the chance to have
children of my own. That's a very painful realization. No little
Randy's running around. Well, actually I'm not sure if I want little
Randy's running around, but a kid or two would be nice.
But the sun is out again and I feel okay.
So, right now our section has been battling these giant mutant
cockroaches that are coming out of the drains on the run. I'm not
kidding. These suckers look like something out of a Godzilla movie. I
was sitting here writing a letter when I saw something shoot across my
floor. I panicked, grabbed my flip-flop and threw it on top of him. I
could see the back legs squirming and then that thing bench-pressed my
sandal like it was nothing, pushed himself out and looked around
dazed. I let out a scream like a little girl and grabbed a piece of
paper and picked it up and threw him in the toilet. Before I flushed
the poor fella, I stared at him for a minute or two and this thing is
truly freakish. It's hind legs are like gecko legs and it was about an
inch and a half long. This one guy who had one run into his cell
commented that it was the Livingston water that mutated them, "You
know, like on that movie, 'Ticks'? Them mother fuckers were huge and
would crawl into your body and eat themselves out of you. This one
scene it came busting out of this guy's skull!" Great, just what we
need-giant mutant cockroaches crawling into out ears while we sleep,
eating themselves out of our brains. Well, I'm ready for the next one
that tries to come into my cell. I've got my sandal on stand-by.
Not much else to report around here. I'm going to stand on my bed and
look outside for a while. Birds are coming back and pecking grass
looking for something to eat. Spring is finally here.
Peace.
|
4/2/08
Sometimes my fellow Americans confuse the hell out of me…Earlier
today there was a guard walking around with a bag Cheetos in her hand
and a Dr. Pepper tucked away in a little drink slot on her stab proof
vest the guards wear. Another inmate asked her how she felt about the
rising gas prices and she said, "Oh, it's really bad out there. They
just keep going on up and milk costs like four dollars a gallon and
food is really expensive. It's just really bad out there, really
hard…" I was sitting on my bed reading when heard this exchange and my
face just crumpled up in a weird way. I put the book down and walked
up to my cell door and said, "How bad do you think it is half way
across the world? You think they're walking around with a bag of
Cheetos in their hands? Heck, us prisoners eat better than half the
people in this world. Put things in perspective. You're going to leave
here and get into your car that probably has air conditioning. Pick up
your cell phone and make a few calls, maybe pull in through a
drive-thru…Is it really that bad?"
She gave me a look like, "Shut up and go back to your book." Hey,
things like that irk the hell out of me. I have a hard time keeping my
mouth shut when it comes to things like that. My ex-wife used to
always sat, "It's bad out here…You don't know how hard it is." Okay…
So, today my worry has been focused on my friend Ving, who was just
re-sentenced to death. The other day I had sent him some reading
material and some food because he mentioned he didn't have anything
and this morning it was all sent back to me with no explanation. I
know that he's really depressed and hurting. I just hope he's not
thinking about hurting himself. I don't really know what to do about
it. I think if I get any more negative signs like that I may have to
alert the guards or some rank, because I just don't want him to hurt
himself. He's really in a bad way…
It's almost four in the afternoon and I'm waiting to go to recreation
right now. Things are moving really slow today for some reason…Oh,
well.
Peace.
4/3/08
It's raining pretty hard right now. But it's one of those peaceful
storms-the kind that if I had a window that opened would be pulled up
a little to let in the soft breeze created by the rain. The kind of
rain that brings in the various smells of nature, grass, trees, roads
and even the hint of cars somewhere in the distance. Isn't it awesome
that creatures such as us can experience life in such a way? If only
we took the time to enjoy it I think we'd appreciate life a lot more.
Being in the kind of situation that I am on death row, it's really the
small things that matter. I might cry and complain every now and then
about how I'm sick of rain or sick of this and that, but really, as I
hear the rain tap up against my window it makes me grateful that I can
still have these small experiences, something the state or the guards
can't take away from me. You could remove every little item from my
cell and I'd still be able to listen to rain.
I guess today I'm in a tranquil mood.
I sent over to Ving not too long ago and asked if he was okay. Sent me
a note back saying that he was going to try to pull himself out of his
depression. He said that he didn't want material things (snacks,
books, etc) sent to him, but just wanted real friends. I feel bad for
him because outside of a girlfriend who writes, he really has no kind
of moral support and I can't be there for him because I get moved
around so damn much. It may be months before I'm able to talk to him
again. He's a guy I've really connected with back here and it hurts me
that he's hurting this way. Empathy is a mother f---er. I just don't
want him to give up. I don't want any guy back here to give up. But
what can I do? Just thinking about how useless I really am in a
situation such as this is really depressing!
Almost dinner time, I suppose I will end this here. Me and a couple of
guys are going to listen to "Stake Out" the movie at seven. I vaguely
remember it, but I think I was bout ten when that movie came out.
Where I'm currently housed is great because we make silly commentary
as the movie is on. Kind of like on that show that used to come on
"Mystery Science Theater" where the two robots and that guy would make
fun of voices as they played. Hey, it's something to pass the time.
Plus, my improv skills are rusty. It's what we call 'fun' around
here."
Peace.
4/4/08
A friend sent me this questionnaire and I thought, why not just
use it as a journal entry. Okay, so I admit it's 'filler' because
today was BORING, but it's something!
1. If I could rename myself, I would pick: I like my middle name so it
would be 'Ethan.'
2. I am like my mom because I: Because we both had the same kind of
sense of humor and liked the same movies. I miss her so much.
3. I am like my dad because I: Because we are Jewish and both love to
tell stories. Plus, I find myself giving others the same wisdom and
advice he shared with me. I miss him so much.
4. When I get really nervous, I tend to: Shut down or pace back and
forth and chew my fingernails…
5. Most people can tell when I get mad/angry because I: shut down and
bottle it in.
6. My most irrational fear would be: Being afraid of insects and
reptiles.
7. My completely rational fear is: Dying alone.
8. Within ten minutes of meeting me, it is impossible not to notice
that: I'm a very self deprecating, funny and shy person. Well, shy,
but charismatic, if that makes sense.
9. Nothing makes me happier than: Being in love, having friends who
care.
10. Nothing makes me angrier than: People who do not care about other
people or life.
11. The physical feature I get the most compliments on is/are: My eyes
and lips.
12. If I could change one physical thing it would be: My freakin' love
handles, fat around my waist, and have a hair transplant. Being bald
sucks.
13. I cannot stand the smell of: Broccoli or cauliflower, body odor.
14. I live for the smell of: Too many things to smell, but oddly
fabric softener used to bring me to near orgasmic experience!
15. I could never marry someone who: Isn't loving, funny, or doesn't
love life.
16. If I had any political clout in this country, I would: End the
death penalty, reform prisons.
17. If high school taught me anything, it would be: That kids can be
some mean sons of bitches.
18. I get extremely embarrassed when: I'm complimented.
19. The trait that most of my friends have in common is: We love
humanity, loyalty.
20. In a relationship, romantic or friend wise, my biggest flaw is:
I'm too dependent.
21. In a relationship, romantic or friend wise, my best quality is:
I'm dedicated, loyal, giving and loving.
22. I really wish that I knew how to: Compose the music I constantly
hear in my head to paper.
23. My favorite word(s) is: Retard (simple, I know, but I use it a
lot!). Maybe 'freakin' too.
24. My least favorite word is: Bitch.
25. I am ashamed to admit that I really enjoy: reading chick
magazines/Big Brother.
26. I wish that I could MAKE myself enjoy: Chess.
27. If I am losing an argument, I have a tendency to: Stop talking
about it.
28. Myspace is: Kind of retarded, but addictive.
29. I'm pretty sure my credit rating is: Huh? Credit rating on death
row? HAHAHAHAHAHA!
4/5/08
Man! What a beautiful day it is outside. The sun is pouring
through my window and it's just lovely. Too bad I'm stuck in the damn
cell for the next two days. I miss the days when we could go to
recreation every day for one hour a day. Now, we have to stay in our
cells for two days out of the week because we get two hour recs. Some
guys like this, but I thought the old program was much better. Oh,
well.
Not much happening. Just listening to movies and reading. A friend
down the run is supposed to make bean burritos, so we'll see what his
'cookin' skills are all about. Actually I think he's making beef
burritos for him and his neighbor and just beans for me, but he said
he'd fatten them up. I hope so 'cause I'm hungry.
Peace.
4/7/08
I ran across this quote from Nietzsche today reading a book called
Man's Search for Meaning. "He who has a Why to live for can bear
almost any how." I think I do have something to live for, my life is
definitely not over, so surely I can overcome any hardships thrown in
my way. After all, it's only transitional, right?
Today was a really nice day. I thought it was going to start with a
bump in the road…Today is our outside day and the section I'm
currently living on hardly anyone goes outside. So, when the guard
asked me at six on the morning if I was going outside, I said, "Yes."
He said I was going first round so I asked if I could go with a guy
just down the run. He said, "I'll only allow you to go outside with
him if you both give up your shower." I looked at him crazy. "Both
showers? He's just two cells away. It's not like you're going out of
your way." He wouldn't budge so I said, "I don't mind. I have a water
hose. I doubt he'll give up his shower." The guard walked down to his
cell and asked him and the other guy agreed to give up his shower.
"You'll be going second round then," the guard said. I was a little
irritated, but I just went back to sleep until eight or so.
When we went outside it was a little overcast, but about 30 minutes in
the sun came out in all of its glory. I played a few games of
basketball barefoot, because I currently have no tennis shoes and then
after my feet started to hurt we just did push-ups and I boxed the
basketball. Well, an incident cropped up on another pod so we were
able to stay outside almost four hours and I got my first good sunburn
of the season. When I came back in a female guard said, "What's up,
Pinky? Looks like you got burned." I laughed. So, really giving up my
shower was worth it, otherwise we wouldn't have gotten that extra time
outside. I feel like I got the upper hand.
When I came back in I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, bathed
with my hose and cleaned my cell. The rest of the time I've just been
reading away. I'm reading two books. Next up as I listen to KDOL is to
do some crosswords until mail comes.
I'll close with this: "Forces beyond your control can take away
everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how
you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to
you in life, but you can control what you will feel and do about what
happens to you" -Viktor E. Frankl.
Peace.
|
4/8/08
Today has been an interesting day. Nothing like a little drama to
keep you on your toes. It all started after a guy heard another guy
talking behind his back. He confronted the dude and told him that, "If
that's how you feel about me and can't be man enough to say anything
to my face, then just don't mess with me…" Well, the other guy felt
disrespected and told some of his buddies and then it just turned into
a big cat fight. Yeah, cat fight, because they were all acting like
little girls. So, then I got dragged into it when I went to the
dayroom. Because I talk to both parties another guy basically asked
who's side I was on. I said that I wasn't on anyone's side and that I
didn't want to be on any side and to leave me out of it. "I talk to
who I want to talk to and expect to be treated the same way I treat
people. If you can't do that then act like I don't exist."
It's frustrating that some of us on death row cannot just stick
together and make a change for the better and fight for the same
cause. It's frustrating when some would rather squabble and waste
their precious time here on earth rather than try to save their own
life. But what can you do? I try to encourage and live by example and
there's always someone who wants to drag you down with them. Well, I'm
staying out of their little mess.
Other than that the day has been really pretty and warm. It's a bit
humid but an otherwise beautiful spring day.
4/9/08
Woke up and went to recreation at six this morning. I did some
working out and then wrote a letter in the day room. It's usually the
most quiet and peaceful time of the day.
The drama continues and it's escalated a bit. I hope one of these
idiots doesn't end up trying to hurt the other. It's sad that our
lives are reduced to this pettiness. Read a book; write a letter to
mom or something. If you don't want to save your life, at least make
it meaningful in some way. I hope I get moved tonight. See, that's one
of the advantages!
It's a bit overcast right now. I think we're going to get some storms.
Weird how our weather here in Livingston always coincides with the
moods of everyone. I swear I live in the twilight zone.
Peace.
4/10/08
Today I went to the lake. Well, if you want to call a flooded
outside recreation yard a lake. It was fun! Nobody wanted to go
outside because it was raining but since it was warm I decided to go
out and experience the peacefulness. I grabbed a towel and slid on my
flip flops, grabbed my water bottle and headed out. A guy in the
dayroom said, "Randy, where are you going?" as the guards led me away,
and I said, "To the lake!"
Really it was only sprinkling a little bit. A nice spring sprinkle and
I was lost in my head when suddenly one of those giant mutant
cockroaches crawled out from one of the storm drains. Next thing I
knew we were in a battle to the death with each other. He tried to
kick me with one of his giant lizard-like legs and I blocked it Chuck
Norris style and went for the sweep. We wrestled on the ground for a
minute and I tried with all my might to keep his mandibles from
tearing at my throat…Uh, actually what really happened is the thing
crawled from out of the drain and I screamed like a little girl. It
scuttled around in the water, looked at me like, "What's the freakin'
problem?" and darted back down the drain.
All in all, I enjoyed my time in the rain.
Last night to ease the tensions of the drama during the last few days,
me, a guy named 'Country', and another guy named 'Hood' listened to TV
shows and goofed around. There was a National Geographic program on
about killer whales and Country couldn't believe that orcas can run on
a beach, grab a sea lion and toss it back to the sea and flip it
around. For the longest time I'd been trying to do a perfect Cartman
from the cartoon "South Park" and I said, "Yeah, imagine Country
swimming out in the seat (Kicking in my Cartman voice), 'Ohh, what a
lovely swim! Ohhh, look at all the sea lions, they sure are big.'
(Back to normal voice) "So, Country is swimming around when all of a
sudden one of those orcas pops up" (back to Cartman's voice), 'Look,
it's Shamu. C'mere, you cute thing, you. I want to pet you and keep
you as my pet! Want a Twinkie?' (Back to normal voice) "Then the orca
tries to bit him" (back to Cartman's voice) 'Hey! You're not supposed
to do that! Eh eh eh eh, gotta swim to shore eh eh eh eh gotta swim to
shore. Mom! Shamu's trying to eat me!" Man everyone was laughing so
hard. Even I couldn't stop laughing. Hood said, "Damn, Randy, you did
that voice dead on."
I told Hood that at one time I could do many different cartoon voices
and accents. I started working through them. My list of them is as
follows: Yoda, Kermit the Frog, Grover, Pinky from Pinky the Brain,
Marvin, Bobby from Bobby's World, Gizmo and Stripe from Gremlins,
several different southern dialects, a bad British accent, Indian
(from India, that is), Russian. I'm pretty bad at doing people;
cartoons are much easier because they are more exaggerated. I'm a
dork, but it brings laughs so it's all good.
Crap. They just told me I'm moving to F-pod, 76 Cell. That's the Level
3 death row discipline section. Wonderful. No, I'm not in trouble.
They just like putting me in these sections for some reason. Gotta
pack.
9:30 P.M. Man, that sucks! Not only did they put me on a bad section,
but they put me in what's called a "management" cell. It's got a big
box over what should be the food slot. The box has two slots. One to
slide the food in and close it and then the other slot opens and you
pull your food out and it closes. This keeps you from ever having
direct contact with anyone. It's mainly used for those who attack
guards and/or throw feces and urine on them. Over the mesh windows is
a plate of Plexiglas and the door is sealed up completely on the side.
To top that off there's nothing to hook my radio up to so I can't get
crap for reception…Oh, well, I'd normally be upset and it'd ruin my
whole two weeks, but it's only two weeks and I can still get a few
radio stations so it's not all that bad. I'll deal with it. No reason
to complain over something that is beyond my control. Really, I did it
to myself anyway. I should've never freakin' escaped eight years ago.
The mistakes that follow us for the rest of our lives, I guess. Two
weeks isn't anything. I can get caught up reading and writing.
Peace.
4/11/08
It hasn't been that bad over here. I'm looking for wire in the
hopes that I can string up my cell and pull in some decent music.
Right now all I'm getting is "Country Legends," an 80s cheese station,
KDOL and some Tejano. Better than nothing, but still…
I received another one of those fun little questionnaires and so I
thought I'd do I it in today's journal. Something to do and laugh at,
I guess. Here it is. Enjoy:
Who is your ultimate celebrity crush? Natalie Portman, Anne Hathaway.
What color best represents you? Really earth tones in general, but you
can't go wrong with black.
Who would you cast to play you in a movie? Uhh, probably Billy Zane
'cause we're both bald.
What celebrity best represents your vision of fashion? George Clooney
seems to dress well, but then again while I like to dress cool, I like
down to earth fashion and even alternative fashion, so too tough to
say.
If you could start in any TV show, which one would it be? Heroes!
If you were on MTV's "Made" what would you ask to be? What the hell,
'Made'? I thought that was a Mafia term…
Who do you think is the hottest athlete? Maria Sharipova, the USA
Women's Volleyball team-Woohoo! USA! USA!
What sport best represents your personality? Soccer, 'cause I'm all
over the field.
Have you ever been inside a Victoria's Secret? Does it make me a
pervert to say yes? I was with a girlfriend, I swear!
Have you ever applied makeup to your face? I plead the fifth.
Do you read/watch porn? Not in a while, but, yup, though it's been
officially banned in prison.
Do you think Chelsea Clinton has class? How would I know? Not too
pretty, that's for sure!
Who are you voting for? If I could vote it'd be Obama.
Have you ever cried while watching a movie? Too many to count. I like
sappy movies.
Do you wear makeup because you think you're ugly? Uh, not even makeup
could help this mug!
Name you closest five friend from 12 years ago. Can I say 13 years
ago? It'd be Jason, Chad, Theresa, Jim and Wayne.
Do you think childhood trauma justified current life? Justifies? That
makes no sense-influences, yes, definitely.
You see a falling star-what do you wish? An end to the death
penalty…true love/soul mate…maybe freedom one day after I serve my
debt to society.
How fun was that? Well, guess I'll get to some reading. I'm reading a
book called Wild Fire by Nelson DeMille and then I'm going to start
reading a book I just received this morning called What's So Great
About Christianity, a counter argument to what atheists think about
religion. Should be interesting.
Peace.
4/12/08
It's a lovely Saturday afternoon. Plenty of sunshine. I was able
to get ten hours of sleep last night! Woohoo! Plus…I finally got some
extra wire and now my cells looks like a NSA experiment on SETI
project, but I can get some more stations!
Nothing of substance to report.
Peace.
4/13/08
I was sleeping really well until I was knocked out of dreamland by
the sounds of someone yelling, "No peace! No justice!" I was a little
confused and so I rolled out of bed and climbed on my toilet to look
out a small crack in my door to see an inmate sitting on the ground.
Apparently he refused to go to his cell after his shower because of
the reason he was on level 3 discipline in the first place. What had
happened is a week ago his family came to visit him. Well, there was
another inmate who had the same last name and they confused him with
this person. That person was turned away and when the guy expecting
his visit found out about this he was rightfully angry. He tried to
talk to rank and the problems escalated because rank didn't give a
damn and so he jacked the day room and was gassed and placed on level
3. Well, all this past week he had been trying to get this problem
addressed and no one really cared, so he jacked the walkway run this
morning. The little riot squad came down and forced him back into his
cell and then the lieutenant said, "This the last time we deal with
you. If we have to do it again I'm going to hurt you." Of course he
said this after the cameras were gone.
Not 50 minutes after that the riot team was dragging another guy into
a cell down here because he jacked the shower on another pod. He was
banged up pretty bad so I'm guessing they beat the crap out of him.
You can't really move around in those showers as they are only about
4' X 5 ½'. Imagine five or six hefty men running in on you like a
freight train. Ouch.
Every time I'm on F-Pod this happens. I've never been on this pod and
not seen someone get beat up by the guards, or gassed. Crazy stuff.
Well, things have calmed down for now.
It's really a nice cool spring day. I stood on my bed and watched out
the window as cars passed by. It's a peaceful thing to do. I wish I
was in a cell where I could watch the horses. I can't really see them
on this side.
Peace.
|
4/14/08
Right now I've got a splitting headache from lack of caffeine. I
have an on-going battle with that crap and I'll want to stop and then
I'll think, hey, one cup of coffee can't hurt and then it's right off
the wagon I go again. So, right now I'm trying to stop drinking the
crap again and it's not looking like I'm going to make it.
Well, other than a crappy ass letter I got from my ex-wife just a
short while ago (more on that in a bit) today was okay. I went outside
and while it wasn't too hot, the sun was out and I did get a nice
little burn. I'm a lovely shade of red right now and my face feels
hot. I finished reading What's So Great About Christianity and it was
so-so. To me it was the same tired arguments, but what do I know. I
always think it's odd that these kinds of books make stronger case for
God than Jesus. Or they're the same right? Eh, I'm a Jew what do I
know? That was not meant to be offensive.
I guess I'm in a little bit of a foul mood. I swear, I don't
understand women at all. I mentioned that my ex-wife had become
pregnant and so sent her a congratulatory letter and SHE gave her new
address and wanted me to write her! So, there was nothing inflammatory
about what I wrote her. Just being the friend I thought I was and I
get this note today that says, "I have to close that chapter in my
life and so please don't email me and don't write me I want to respect
my fiancée (fiancée after knowing the dude for like four months
now???) reading it I'm like, huh? Where did that come from? But
whatever…Apparently I'm just a chapter in someone's life and now I see
my worth. Seem to be getting a lot of that lately. Oh, well…
I guess I'm going to start reading book two of a trilogy called His
Dark Materials. The first book was The Golden Compass (also a movie)
and it really surprised me at how good it was. Book two is called The
Subtle Knife, hopefully it is as good. As I said before, this puts
Harry Potter to shame. Off to bookland I go…
Peace.
4/15/08
I woke up this morning and my bald head was sore. My dome was
thoroughly cooked yesterday. Ouch.
Today has been kind of boring. Just reading and waiting on some more
wire from someone. I'm determined to get at least one TV
station-preferably CBS so I don't miss Big Brother. God, what has that
show done to me? I've NEVER been this addicted to a TV show. I'm not a
fan of reality TV even if it's a guilty pleasure. But Big Brother is
like the…Okay, I can't stop laughing. My weird sense of humor was
going to allow me to write, "like the teat I can't quit suckling," but
then I realized while funny it makes no sense. Still funny, though…
All right, wire has arrived. Let's see what I can do…
Yes! It worked! I feel like a mad scientist. I have what is basically
a spider web of wire running everywhere and then all into my signal
booster I can get a staticky CBS and ABC. I am not complaining! But…In
the process I was able to pick up the nearby airport's communications.
I'm not kidding! I just heard, "Continental flight 356, flying flight
path…" Actually, it's kind of cool.
Ooh mail is early! Gotta go ready my mail and get ready for Big
Brother. I hope Natalie is on the chopping block. Please if there's
any real justice in the universe she'll be on the block!
Peace.
4/16/08
Good riddance Natalie! Yes! She's just been kicked off of Big
Brother. Man, Sheila is good. She totally made that happen. Here's
what happened: Yesterday Adam (who was on the block with Shannon) won
power of veto meaning he could take himself off of the chopping block.
Sheila had been gunning for Natalie all along but was being two-faced
and says, "I have to do this, Natalie, and put you on the block, but
you're safe. Don't worry." Meanwhile, she wants her gone. She was even
apologizing to Natalie with fake tears. Classic! Then Adam and Ryan
ask Natalie where her loyalty lies; with them or the other women.
Natalie says them (the guys). Natalie starts begging the guys not to
kick her out and Adam promises her he won't vote against her. Ryan is
non-committal, but I'm thinking, "You morons. If you let her stay she
will kick one of you out next week. She's too powerful, you're giving
her a free ride!" Well, I wasn't thinking this, I was yelling it!
Sheila is freaking out, thinking her plan is going to blow up in her
face, but she's being cool about it, keeping her head and the whole
thing. Shannon thinks she's a goner.
So the vote comes up and only Adam and Ryan can vote-unless it comes
to a tie, then Sheila can break the tie. Ryan votes to kick Natalie
out and Adam votes to keeper her in. Sheila has to break the tie and
votes Natalie out. I yell in victory!!!
Now, the game is about to really get interesting. I'm going to call
Adam and Sheila as final two. Adam wins it all. I think Shannon will
be kicked out next week because she's now a serious contender for the
$500,000. Sheila is conniving enough to make it work for her. The only
way Ryan would be able to pull it off is to blindside Adam and stab
him in his back, which I don't think he'd be willing to do because it
would leave Sheila or Shannon against him and he has no chance with
either of them.
Geeze…I just realized how pathetic I really am! Does this even count
as a journal entry? I don't think Anne Frank or any other profound
journalist would've written about this if they were alive today.
Sheesh.
Peace.
4/17/08
Today is a somber day. First, I wake up to the news that the U.S.
is ranked number five amongst countries who execute. FIVE. That's just
nuts. We're up there with China and the Middle East. USA! USA! USA!
Then at rec someone yells that the Supreme Court has ruled against
lethal injection being unconstitutional. One of the guards snickered
and said, "Crank it up." I turned around and called him an asshole.
But he's right, there are over 70 inmates on death row here who have
exhausted their appeals. It's about to be a slaughterhouse in here.
Hell, if the lethal injection is 'humane' we might as well bring back
the guillotine. What d'ya say?
When I went back to my cell I went to AM radio to piece together the
news and what exactly the Supreme Court ruled and I pieced it all
together. It's a mixed bag: Yes, executions will now resume and they
ruled against the Kentucky applicants who filed the suit on the
grounds that they had no justifiable argument to challenge lethal
injection. It was not a blanket ruling, so if there's a state who has
a legitimate claim that during the administering of the lethal
injection something has gone wrong, THEN they can sue the state and
take it back to the Supreme Court. So, the fight is definitely not
over. Basically, they want a better argument. It's promising, but
still many more inmates will be killed before this happens.
I figure Texas will have its first execution by May of June.
Peace.
4/18/08
A beautifully boring and peaceful day. It's been quiet all day
long. I've just been listening to the radio and doing laundry. Nothing
laborious. I'm loving this weather that we've had all week long. No
humidity, no rain. Not even a cloud in the sky. Currently I'm
listening to air traffic control on my radio. I still think it's wild
that I can actually pick this up.
Peace.
4/20/08
Man…talk about news to really wake your ass up. I'm left feeling
very nervous/anxious about an upcoming email that was sent to me and I
should have by the weekend. In all honesty I dread it but this could
be a pivotal moment, a life changing moment. I know I'm being vague,
but I will explain more when I receive this email. I need this no
matter how emotional it might be. My response is everything.
Peace.
4/21/08
A hot, humid day. I've been thinking compulsively about the coming
email. I really don't know what to do until then.
Peace.
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4/22/08
I don't believe it's ever in the cards to get more than four to
six hours of sleep. Yeah, occasionally there's the rare day I might
make it to sever or eight hours of sleep, but those really are rare.
So, I'm out here in the dayroom at about 6:25 AM. I went to sleep at
around 1:15 AM, thinking I'd be able to sleep in, but really I should
know better than that. It's my fault. Really, I just have a very hard
time sleeping before midnight and sleeping during the day. It's
something I've been doing since I was about 14 years old, but I
realize that being 30 years old now, it's not quite the same. The body
definitely doesn't take it the same! Growing old is a mixed bag. I
don't fear age-as I recently wrote in one of my songs, "Youth has
grown old." Youth is highly overrated. I think the few things youth
had going for itself was 1) innocence; 2) naivety; 3) sexual
exploration; 4) living for what the future might hold.
The cliché is age brings wisdom and it's true, but age also brings
with it a sense of living in the present, whereas in youth you can run
from life and death. Age means you know your life is truly valuable
and that death-well, she's finally catching up to you. So things you
do have more weight and importance.
How did I get there from sleep? I guess my point is that I'm starting
to feel my age!
One thing I didn't mention in my journal yesterday that was amusing
(my mind has been on the looming email making its way) is that
maintenance came to rip out this whole console in the pods control
center. See, it's a very big counter with shelves, etc, and then you
have the controls built into it. Mostly the console was good for some
of the guards to hide behind and sleep or engage in other dubious
activities. Mainenance stripped it all out and just left the controls
so now there's no place to sleep behind or hide.
As I said, all very amusing.
Well, I think I've rambled on long enough. My mind is like a freight
train this morning, but my body is not catching up!
Peace.
4/26/08
I'm kind of an emotional mess right now… Well, I'm trying to keep
myself from falling back into a depression… I did receive the email I
was fretting on Wednesday night and it was from the widow of the
officer killed in 2000 after our escape. It made me feel just awful
inside and while I'll never truly understand the amount of pain her
family has gone through the years I could only ask for forgiveness no
matter if I didn't even pull a gun. I don't know what else to say
other than I have always had remorse for that night, as it should've
never happened and I don't say that because I've ended up on death
row. Yes, being on death row has changed me, has opened my eyes to
many things and had it not been for me coming here I probably would've
never seen them or wouldn't have seen them for a long ways to come,
but still I've always been sincere in asking for forgiveness. And
while I've never expected, I'll always ask for it.
I don't think some people realize why I have a journal and write it as
often as I can or why I write memoirs and other things. It's not for
attention. I don't know anyone who bares their soul for the whole
world to see is really screaming 'look at me?' No, I've never wanted
that. It's never been about ego or anything of that nature. The
origins of it are simply self discovery and a suggestion by friend(s)
to help me get through a severe depression I was going through at the
time. It's now become more than that and I've had the unique chance to
use my abilities to shine a light not only on what death row is like,
but the people who are on death row. Some will always think we are all
animals, but it's just not true. And if, by sharing these experiences,
I can keep others from making the same mistakes, or encourage parents
to really listen when their own children or teenagers in time of
trouble, well I feel that I've accomplished something tremendous.
Some people may not 'buy it', but I'm not trying to sell anything. It
would be very difficult for me to carry on with some façade for
several years now. Wouldn't I slip? Wouldn't I get caught in some lie?
Wouldn't someone call me out and say, 'prove it!" I don't know, but I
do know that those who truly know me, know that I'm sincere. We all
stumble from time to time and I'm far from perfect, but I do know that
my heart, my intentions are in the right place. I guess that's all
that matters.
4/27/08
Well, today I feel a little better. Last night I listened to
"Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" and it was pretty good. I'd have
liked to see the special effects. A friend recently asked how we were
able to listen to TV through our radios and why we had a coax antenna
system. Well, I can't get into all of the technical things as to why
we can listen, but I think that the whole unit was originally set up
for cable and because we're out in the sticks they use some sort of
system to pick up clear FM signals, because otherwise you wouldn't be
able to listen to much radio out here. We pick up a Houston signal.
Well, being that the FM antenna is tied into the TV or UHF and VHF
antenna we also can pick up TV. It's all on the same system. I don't
know how this will effect us when everything goes digital. I'm
assuming that so long as TDC upgrades their system the FM will still
be on the same coax and we'll still be able to get it. No one knows
for sure. Just a bunch of speculation.
In just a little bit my radio program starts up and there's rumors
going around that some big changes are coming to the radio station
that does our show. I hope it doesn't affect the show itself. I think
other than a few things it runs pretty well and serves an awesome
purpose. Yeah, it has plenty of kinks, but it's great to hear
messages. I always get a little sad when I hear parents call in and
the love they have for their children-guys in prison. True
unconditional love. I've never really experienced it, but I know that
it's an awesome thing. It makes me miss my parents so much. I think on
Mother's Day I'm going to write something to my mom. We weren't as
close as my dad and I, but she did have my same sense of humor and we
liked the same movies and to read. I used to love whenever I'd come
back home from Kentucky and one of the first places we went to was the
book store. And of course when dad said no to a certain type of
clothing mom usually always said yes. Moms are great for that! Haha. I
remember one time dad was trying to get me to try on these really
tight pants, Wesley called them 'nut huggers' and I begged mom please
let me get different ones. Dad said, no, these fit fine, but I wanted
baggy pants! Mom made my case and dad caved in.
Not much else is happening around here. It's a nice day outside. I
don't have much of a view, but the sky looks nice enough.
Peace. |
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