Some music not only speaks through you, but at you like a voice from the heavens: touching the depths of your soul. I just heard a song that did that to me. It's by a band called Explosions In The Sky. The song, "Your hand in mine". It's purely instrumental. No lyrics, but the music, the ambience of the sound was far more powerful than words could ever be. One of those songs that give you chills and tears in the corner of your eyes. I could hear the voice of love calling in the back of my mind. This is why I love music so much.

So I 'm sitting here listening to Rice University and they've been playing some awesome sets. It's a little after one in the afternoon and I've been waiting on a shower for a long time. It's a no recreation day for our section so usually they will shower those who don't go to rec. very early. I had figured they would us this morning, so I got up at 6:30 am, so I could knock out my work out and then get a shower. Didn't happen.

Other than that it's been very boring. I did some very heavy cleaning after I exercised cause I was flinging sweat every where. Pretty nasty stuff.

I wasn't quite sure what I'd want to write about today and I know of lately my journal entries have been getting boring, so I thought I'd get back into little events of my life. Today I want to talk about my experience of being homeless.

It had just become the new year of 1996. After I had stolen a credit card, the school I was going to found out and expelled me once again. After spending a couple more days in Louisville and getting stuck in a huge winter storm I had to go back to Lexington. I had no money and wrongly I stole a camcorder from some friends of my Girlfriend. I had every intentions of returning the camcorder once I could get back on my feet, but I never did.

My friends went back to school and I took a bus to Lexington. I had no where to go and I already had closed the lease on my apartment so I called my friend Emma and asked if I could stay with her until I found a job and got on my feet. She said it was cool and so I went to her place.

It was really cool staying with her those first couple of days. We'd watch movies all night and get high and then during the day time I'd go looking for a job. I also had to find a place I could get my GED (a high school equivalency diploma) because it looked like graduating high school was not happening. In spite of all my developing problems I did want to graduate high school. I was very upset this wasn't going to happen.

I did find a job at a little restaurant called "Steak Fest". It wasn't paying much, but it was a job. I met up with Emma at the Kentucky Theater, which was a very old and renovated movie house. We were supposed to see a movie together and hang out.

After the movie she was acting kind of strange and I couldn't figure out why and so I finally asked her straight up what was going on.
"My dad wants you to leave."
"I thought your dad didn't care I was staying with you", I said.
"He doesn't really, but he doesn't exactly like hearing us in the middle of the night either…"
"We don't make that much noise, do we?" I kind of joked.
"You know I like you staying there, it's not my choice", she said.
"Yeah, but I just found a job. What if I paid him rent?"
"I can talk to him, but he seems pretty much set. I'll talk to him."
"Emma, I've got nowhere to go. I need to get on my feet." I was crushed.
"I'll talk to him, I promise."

I stayed about two or three more days, when Emma told me again, her dad wanted me out. She mentioned a place called the Hope Center, which was a homeless shelter that helped men get back on their feet. "A homeless shelter? C'mon you're kidding me, right? I can't go there, it's full of freakin' bums and weirdos."
"I called them and they said they would help you out a lot. They really don't want kids there."

All of my stuff was at Oneida, so I only had a soccer bag and my backpack full of a few clothing items and such. I took a taxi cab to the shelter and walked in.

It was pure insanity. It was loud and smelly. There were old men talking to themselves and guys arguing. Security walked around with pepper spray and batons. And here I was, this clean cut, baby faced kid walking in.

I felt like I was in another world. I walked up to the service desk and there was a light skinned, very attractive black woman behind the counter. She eyed me and then said, "Why are you here? Did your parents kick you out?" "Uhhh… I… I was kicked out of a private school and I've got nowhere to go." She yelled at someone to take her place be-hind the counter and walked around to me. She grabbed my arm and lead me to a hall way.

"Tell me what happened", she said. I began to give her the story and she interrupted the story and asked, "Oneida Baptist Institute? I went there!" I couldn't believe it. "I hated that place! How's Dr. Moore?"
"He died."
"Whoa. Do you have money? How long are you going to be here?"
"I just got a job, but it starts tomorrow. I was staying at a friend's place, but her dad made me leave. Hey, can I use the phone? I've gotta call my ex girlfriend and let her know I'm here." I called Oneida, but was unable to get a hold of Theresa, but left a message. She still didn't know I had stolen the camcorder, so we were on strong grounds and still seeing each other. That would change in about a month.

I went back to the black lady and she gave me a few dollars and told me to get some-thing to eat. I realized that because I was so out of place at the shelter I could easily play the sympathy card and have the staff members baby me. I pretty much got any-thing I wanted. Which in hindsight was not a good thing, because I had no reason to want to change my predicament. Inside I was ashamed that I was at a shelter, but I began to get good at manipulating people and I liked the attention. Plus, it was very easy to get drugs there.

That's not to say the shelter wasn't scary as hell. I'd been robbed at knife point coming back from work one day. I'd been spit on. I was suckered punched by a drunk once. I nearly got my butt kicked by a guy for grabbing his newspaper without asking him.

Soon, I quit work and began to just do temporary jobs which paid day by day and I was selling my plasma. I was beginning to get sucked into a strange and odd world. I was beginning to learn what "Underground" meant.

I'd hang out near the University of Kentucky campus and do drugs insanely.

It was easy to get woman to have sex with you. I was like Pinocchio at Pleasure Island (which ironically enough, my dad used to always tell me the story of Pinocchio as a child…)

Inside, I did want my normal life back. I wanted Theresa, and I wanted to be back at school, but I was becoming so numb to everything on the outside.

I owed Emma some money and I kept blowing her off. One day I was at the shelter having a guy dye my hair green when Emma popped up. By policy the staff member weren't supposed to disclose who was staying at their shelter, but when Emma asked where I was, one of the female workers told them I was in the back. When I was told Emma was out there I was going to ignore her, but then decided to go talk to her. I must have looked like an idiot. I had green hair dye running down my forehead and I looked like a wet dog. She asked about her money and I said I didn't have it. I spent it etc. It was wrong of me. Truth is, I did have money and should have paid her back, I just never did. I was beginning to turn into a jerk. I had a chip on my shoulder. I told her to get lost.

Well, she told my parents I was doing drugs. Touché. One night I called home and the first thing my dad asked was, "Are you doing drugs?" I tried to play dumb.
"Are you doing LSD?"
I said, "Who told you?"
"I have my ways", he said. "Don't you know that drug stays with you forever? Twenty years from now you could have a flash back."
"Cool", I smarted back. "Just means I'll get some free trips, huh?"
"Well, we're no longer going to give you money. You need to get your shit straight, Randy."

I could go into a million other stories from that shelter. I'll tell more at another time, but I did end up leaving and finding a roommate, but when I stopped working again, I had to leave and go back to the shelter. Then, when I returned to Texas, I had to stay in the Arlington shelter.

My dad used to always tell me that good looks and puppy dog faces wouldn't get me anywhere in life, but I had learned how to use it to survive when I needed to. But in doing that, I just turned into a bigger liar. Only hurt myself more. If I could do it differently, I would.

It's 7:36 pm now and the sun is setting outside casting a warm orange glow across the prison compound. I'm listening to a premiere of the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album on the Buzz. So far it's really good stuff. I really like that song "Dani California", and they played this song called "Stadium Arcadium" and also, "Tell me baby", all quite excellent.

Well, earlier today around dinner time, the funniest thing happened to me. Some guards came running to my cell asking if I was going to kill myself, because some psychiatrist said someone told them I said I wanted to hang myself. I was like, "No…, I'm perfectly fine. No hanging going on in here." They burned off and then another guard asked me the same question over the intercom. Now, the inmates were making fun of me. I was kind of confused and then I remembered a journal entry I wrote last week where I said, "This is one of those days you just feel like hanging yourself…" Of course, I was only being melodramatic, but it made me realize that someone had been reading that in the mailroom or in the investigators office. How nice! What's ironic about it is the officials don't want you to die UNTIL they can kill you. Crazy, isn't it? Ha. Ha. Life's little ironies…

I'm winding down for the night. Got a bunch of junk mail and some magazines. It's better than nothing! I should sleep pretty good tonight. I'm pooped. Gotta get up at six in the morning for my outside recreation.

Peace and much love!

May 02, 2006

I'm incredibly sore. The last few days my work out has been very intense. I'm feeling it all over my core and upper back. Ugh. So uncomfortable!

Enough of the whining! I got up this morning at six and went outside to exercise and play some basketball. I got my butt whooped in basketball. It was all in good fun though. I'm no sore loser. You can't win them all I suppose.

While I was outside the mail room brought me some books that were ordered. One was called Close Range by Annie Proulx. Well, if I'm correct it's also the book with the short story Broke Back Mountain. Of course they denied it, but it was the grounds they denied it on. Apparently homosexuality is deviant sexual behavior. I kid you not! They checked the box on the denial form that says: "A specific determination has been made that the publication is detrimental to offenders' rehabilitation, because it would encourage homo­sexuality or deviant criminal behavior…"

If that's not homophobic, I don't know what is. Not only that, but that's highly prejudicial and hateful. I'm not gay, but I'm offended that they would even attempt to censor or classify homosexuality as criminal. If I was any kind of civil rights attorney I'd be all over their ass. Freakin' retards. Those things just really irk the heck out of me.

Mail just came. Got a really cool letter. I was kind of hoping to hear from Mary, because after our visits she usually writes me, but no luck. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm pretty tired and was going to write some more stories of me in the homeless shelter, but I'm drained. I think I'll just kick back and listen to some music. I should write some letters, but again I'm drained…

Oh, I heard some more "Explosions In The Sky" today. I think this band may be my new second favorite band. I've not heard a song by them, that hasn't struck a nerve and brought some chills and tears. Just awesome.

Much more coming tomorrow. I'm calling it a day.

May 03, 2006

I'm a little depressed (a little to the power of 15…) today so I just wanted to put in the lyrics to a song by The Cure that describes what's on my mind. I couldn't say it any better than this…, the title is " Closedown":

"I'm running out of time. I'm out of step and closing down. But never sleep for wanting hours, the empty hours of greed. And uselessly, always the need to feel again the real belief of something more than mockery… If only I could fill my heart with love."

Yep. Couldn't say it much better than that.

Didn't do much today. I got to outside, but that only brought me down more. The sunshine burned right through my soul. I felt spurned. Burned by the hopelessness I was feeling.

Boo-Hoo, Randy. Take your ass to bed. Thank you, I think I will.

May 04, 2006

I'm feeling a little bit better. Don't know what got into me yesterday. My day had started off well enough. I was feeling quite chipper and then WHAM! It happens…

Today has been kind of busy. My attorney came and that went well enough. I found out my Prosecutor of my trial won the Republican run offs, so now he will be running against a Black Democrat for District Attorney. Who knows what will happen, but if my Prosecutor wins… I might as well just hang up my appeals. That'll be a death knell for sure. This guy is ruthless. He doesn't care about anything but winning. Screw ethics and the law… He wants to win at all cost – and I'll give him this much; he's damned good at what he does. In fact, here's a taste. I'm including a piece of the transcript of my trial where I am testifying on the stand:

See? Pretty brutal, huh? This guy did all but tear me a new butt hole. Also, I felt it important to show some other documents – I don't know in what part of my website my webmaster will post them, but I highly suggest any one looking at them. It'll open your eyes to some things. Please check them out. I think it will give key insight to my current ordeal of being on death row and also insight to my back ground.

(Please click here, to read the documents, Randy has mentioned!!!)

Anyways, I lost track of what I was going to write about…

I'll probably be moved to another Pod tonight. I've been on this current Pod for 9 days, which is nothing short of a miracle. It never goes past seven days per Pod. Even though I like it over here, I'm about ready to move. People think I'm kidding, but it doesn't really bother me to be moved.

My brain went blank! Okay, I think I'm going to pause for a second and then return to this.

It's now after 9:30 pm. I was just moved to A-pod. The cell was very clean and I have a really good neighbor. His name is Angel. A pretty talented artist, too. The guy's been hard on his luck here lately, so I just sent him some snacks and a couple of cranberry juices and coffee. I hope that holds him down for a bit. I swear, sometimes I shake my head at how some of these guys ever landed on death row in the first place. This guy is kind, soft spoken, harm­less. A devout Christian… I wonder what he was like in his earlier years. He's been on death row for like twenty something years.

I'm so exhausted now. I still need to unpack my things and get situated, I just wanted to finish this entry off.

May 05, 2006

Today was so-so. I had an argument with this guard today, but I'll get to that in a minute. Let me give the prelude… This morning (which by the way I only got two hours of sleep last night. I just can't sleep anymore. I don't know what it is!!!) about six am this real odd grumpy guard woke me. He says, "Halprin, you going to recreation?" I say, "Yeah." Then he goes, "Huh? No?" I say, "Yeah, I'm going." Him: "Well, make up your damn mind, are you going or not?" And so I yell, "YES!!!" Him: "Well, you don't have to get testy about it." Geeze.

This guy has this pissy attitude all morning long with everyone. Today is "Cinco de Mayo", which is a mexican holiday heavily celebrated in Texas, so they made a special lunch of beef and cheese nachos, enchiladas etc… He brings my tray and I see the meat. I say, "Sir, I get a vegetarian tray. I don't eat meat."

"Well, there wasn't a tray in the cart for you", he snaps.

"Probably because they haven't changed the diet tray list. I just got moved to this cell last night", I said.

"Well, dammit, it ain't in the cart. Do you want to eat or not?"

"Yes, I want to eat, but I don't want that tray. I want my tray."

"Fine!" And he slams the food slot shut. What a jerk.

He did get my tray, though. I had Jalapeno nachos, a bean burrito, Spanish rice and refried beans. Not too shabby. Much better than my usual meal, for sure. One can only take so much peanut butter and jelly!

The day has been very hot. Right now my butt cheeks are sweating as I write this. Ha. Ha. Probably little bit too much information, but, hey, it's the truth.

Damn lunch gave me a bad case of heart burn. Ugh. It's killing me. I think it's part of the Mexicans master plans. We took their land and Texas so they introduced us to their delicious cuisine knowing us gringos wouldn't be able to handle it and so now we're all dying a slow death of heart burn.

I have to replace Natalie Portman as the most beautiful woman on earth… Taking her place is Anne Hathaway. Whew! I saw a picture of her in the newspaper promoting some new movie and my jaw dropped… Too beautiful.

I am going to try to keep very busy this weekend. I can tell it's going to be a long one if I don't. I've got to try to get some sleep tonight because I'll be going to recreation at six in the morning.

I think this will do for the night. I'm going to kick back and listen to some electronic music on KTRU.

May 06, 2006

I think I've gotten maybe 5 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. I don't know what the deal is other than going in and out of depression. Like, today it's taken every ounce of will just to be motivated enough to get some writing out of the way. If not, I'd just be lying down with my head phones staring out into nothing. A blank white wall…

I think I need some sort of help or something, but I'm so worried. I probably should take medication. Lithium or Prozac… Possibly Zoloft, but they DON'T issue those proper meds. Their idea of a solution for depression is doping you up until you become a zombie, or the shell of a man. So that you're just sleeping 20 hours of the day. Plus, the meds they give you are highly addict­ive and I DON'T need that. No way. I've got enough problems as it is to get addicted to more crap. So, I'll just have to put up with it, I suppose.

And it's not like I'm not tired. I am. I'm freakin' exhausted. It's just that when I try to go to bed my thoughts keep me tossing and turning. I tried writing those thoughts down, but they are all the same. It's like I'm a scratch on a CD that the laser has hit. EHEHEHEHEHEHEH...

I was supposed to go outside today. It would have been nice to get some fresh air, but a huge storm came through last night and it was lighting. Because the rec. yard is surrounded by metal bars and such, they're not allowed to let us go outside if it's lightning. I had to get my recreation inside. And just my luck right when my time is up the storm goes away and it becomes nice and sunny. Sometimes I feel like that cartoon character Ziggy, or maybe even Charlie Brown. Ha. Ha. Good grief.

I've got this craving for some cookies right now. Where did that come from?

I plan on listening to the Kentucky Derby today – which I've tried to catch every year. Even though I've personally never been to the Churchill Downs, each year it takes me back to Louisville and Kentucky in general. Then, after that I'm going to listen to the Movie "Sea Biscuit". Now, I've read the book and it was fantastic. I mean, when a book makes you yell and scream and root for the character to win – you know it's a damned good book. I hope the movie is the same. Then, it's a new Saturday Night Live. HOPEFULLY after all of that I'll be able to get some much needed sleep. I think I'll sleep the whole day in tomorrow. Oh, wait, I can't. I've got to catch KDOL.

Sometimes when I write these journal entries it feels odd to be talking to myself. Even though I know I have an "audience", it doesn't make it any less strange.

Here's a random thought… I think that this divorce I'm going through doesn't so much as hurt me because I'm losing someone I care for. It's the sense of failure and also, the fear that that could possibly be the last time I have a "relationship" sort of love. That fear of dying without. Maybe some people can block it out and get past it. Some people can live without. But me? I'm not so sure. I hate that sense of loneliness. That sense of loss. For me it's a huge weight on my shoulders. You can't help but blame your­self.

But I digress…

May 07, 2006

Woohoo! I finally got eight hours of much needed sleep. I actually just passed out in the middle of Saturday Night Live – with my head phones on! I woke up a little after eight am, all tangled up in a head phone cord.

I had a really good hour work out and then I listened to "This American Life", in which this particular show was about life for prisoners and their families. Very touching and right on the money. Nothing sensationalized, the program was very accurate. I was impressed.

I'm pretty much caught up on my writing and getting my documents in order and ready to be posted on my site. I've got a lot of stuff going up. Like I said, there are some key pieces of things that will show/prove I shouldn't be on Death Row. I would never claim something that I couldn't back up 100% with actual proof.

I think the men in the next section over are bona fide loony tunes. They're making farm noises. Pigs, ducks, cows… What the hell is going on over there?!?

Hopefully this week will go by fast and it won't be as depressing. Mary's birth­day is this week and I'm hoping she will come up so that I can wish her a happy birthday in person. That would be cool. Oh, and Mother's Day is next Sunday on the 14^th, so happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there. I hope that on that day you will be blessed and your children will thank you for the blessings you all are. I wish I could tell my own mom happy Mother's Day. Maybe one day I will.

Adios!

May 08, 2006

Back to square one… Well, what I mean is I only got four hours of sleep. Better than two, but I'm really concerned. I just can't sleep any more. I took a little power nap an hour so ago for about fifteen minutes and I do feel refreshed, but still… I can't sleep anymore. How I can manage to even exercise boggles my mind. What in the world is wrong with me???

I got up about 5:50 am and got ready for recreation. Well, last night they gave hair cuts in our dayroom, but didn't bother to sweep up the hair. When they shut the gate behind me, that's when I noticed the clumps of matted hair all around the floor. I immediately got the hibbie jibbies and my little phobia that's growing in me took over. It felt so nasty… Plus, I had to exercise and there was no way I'd be exercising in that mess. It came down to raising a bunch of hell to get an inmate janitor to clean it up. They had to remove me from the dayroom, clean it up and mop it out. After that I felt better, but still they should've cleaned that mess up last night. Really if you ask me, I think it's not very sanitary for them to give us hair cuts in a place they know we exercise in etc…

That really gets my goat!

Other than that today has been very uneventful. It looks gorgeous outside and I wish I was out getting some sun. I think tomorrow I'm going to try to get outside.

Well, today I'm going to write about the first time I did LSD at the homeless shelter I was staying at. I swear on everything that's holy that this is the exact event. Nothing has been embellished. As crazy as this sounds it is the true story.

I can't remember how long I had been staying there. It couldn't have been more than a couple or few weeks. It had been relatively easy to get weed, but I didn't know how to score harder drugs. At the time I wasn't really looking for anything more than some acid or ecstasy. Plus, I had told a couple of my friends back at OBI that I would find some and send them some soon.

During the day I would work at a restaurant called "Steak Fest". I hated the job with a passion because all they would let me do is clean up and use Brillo Pads® to scrub the peels off of potatoes. Eventually they would let me run the grill and walk deliveries down town, but early on I felt like an abused step child. I would get off of work around three in the afternoon, head back to the Hope Center, shower, sleep, and get up to go hang out down town.

I met two guys a little older than me at the shelter. Bill and Danny. Danny was kind of an air head, but Bill was real cool. I asked him why he was homeless and it had something to do with getting kicked out of his girl friend's place and so on. He had brought me some weed one time so I decided to ask him if knew where I could get some LSD.

"When do you get paid?" he said.

"This coming up Friday", I replied.

"Okay, cool. Look, I'm  going to charge you a hit of whatever you get when I get you some. This is the plan: Meet up with me and Danny down town after you get off work. We're going to go to a place called "Tolly Ho's" right across from the University of Kentucky campus. That's where we'll get it. I'll tell you more when Friday comes."

I was game. I must have been terribly naive though, in hindsight to put my trust in a guy I barely knew and getting drugs.

Friday came and I got my pay check. I went to the bank and got it cashed and I waited by the Kentucky Theater for Bill and Danny. As promised they arrived.

"You ready to go?" Bill asked. I said I was.

"Alright, when we get there just chill and mind your own business. Nobody knows you so no ones going to trust you. How many hits do you want?"

"Give me a ten strip."

"Alright. I don't know how much it'll cost yet but I'm going to say fifty is a safe bet. This is college stuff so it's good shit. Might be expensive."

I gave him fifty dollars. Off we went.

Not far from where we were was a street that went straight to Tolly Ho's. There were a few head shops and music stores, some different pubs and clubs and then of course, the college campus. The area was sprawling with cars and people on bicycles. Police cars cruised up and down the street. I didn't even know this part of Lexington even existed and I lived on my own there earlier that year!

The front of Tolly Ho's was all glass. You could see in and watch the crowded' place move like a hive of busy bees. I got a little nervous and started wondering what in the world I was doing. But we walked in. I picked a booth and we all sat down.

"Randy, I highly suggest the chili cheese fries. They're awesome, dude. Go get some while I do this. Danny you just stay put."

"Can I play some video games?" Danny said – almost child like. What the hell? I thought. "Sure", Bill said.

I went up and ordered some chili cheese fries. The female at the counter asked my name and told me they'll call me when it was ready. I went back to booth and sat down. I noticed Bill had gone to a table and was talking to a guy with a newsboy cap on. They both looked at me and then went back to talking. Danny played video games. I kept staring at everybody in the place. It seemed like everyone knew each other. Girls were moving around giving out free hugs. Guys were drinking and laughing. The place was alive and I could feel it's pulse calling for me. I started getting a little excited and decided I would definitely be coming back on a regular basis.

Bill came back to our table and told me he had to go some place for about thirty minutes. If it took longer, don't panic. He'd come back. He then ran off with the man he was talking to and I watched as they hopped into a car. The car pulled out and drove away. Danny was still playing video games.

My order of fries was called and I got up to get them. I sat back down and began to snack on them. Boy was Billy right. They were damn good. I guess Danny sensed my fries and he came to the table.

"Can I have some, Dude?"

"Sure", I said.

"Hey, I'm thirsty and I just spent my money on games. Gotta couple bucks? I'll get you something, too, since you're under age."

He came back a few minutes later with a pitcher of Beer and some cups.

Forty-five minutes passed and Bill was still not back. I was beginning to think he had ripped me off when the car returned and Bill came and to our table. "Go to the restroom", he said.

I got up and followed him to the back. When we got in he locked the door and pulled out a small zip lock baggie. It had a strip of acid with music notes on it. "Can I get my hit?"  he said. "Hell yeah! Give one to Danny, too. The rest have to go back to my friends in school." He tore of two hits and we put them on our tongues. I walked out of the bathroom with a huge smile on my face.

I ordered another plate of chili cheese fries and while we waited for the acid to kick in Bill ran out to the nearby convenient store and bought us all some orange juice. "The nectar of the gods." He grinned. We all gave a cheers and began our orange juice.

After about an hour I could feel the acid creeping up. It started with my jaws clenching. I was beginning to get a little more hyper and loose. Then random giggles would escape. Soon the noise of the room grew louder and more congested in my head. I watched as people seemed to zoom by me a super fast speed. The acid was kicking in.

We stayed for about another hour or so and then decided to start walking down town. The sun was beginning to set and it was getting quite cold. I wanted to check out the music store that was nearby and so we went in. I ended up buying a few used tapes of The Cure and a used walkman. My pay check was starting to vanish.

Once it was night time I was on a full trip. We walked around laughing and being stupid. Went to the civic center where Rupp Arena is. Inside they have a little mall with some fast food restaurants and shops. We goofed around the place and rode the escalators up and down.

"Dude…", I started. "You know I've always wanted to go to this porno shop on Winchester Road, but I could never get the nerves… Let's go check it out!" I said.

"Hey, they've got these little booths where you can pop quarters into it and watch movies", Danny said.

"I'll pay!" I yelled.

I think it was about a miles walk to get on Winchester Road. I had walked up and down it many of times because it wasn't far from my apartment when I had one. I just could never muster the courage to walk into one of those shops or go to any of the strip clubs. Plus, when I was with my girl friend I was very devoted. Even when it came to pornography… But now? I wasn't really with her and the acid had taken my inhibitions away. It was time for fun.

We walked into a small store called "The New Book Store". There was a man in a secured glass booth in the front of the store. "I need to see some I.D.s,  boys", he said. We showed him our I.D.s and I gave him five bucks. I know we either looked like some horny freaks or he could tell we were all high, 'cause he kept watching us suspiciously. We walked to the back and I noticed several men standing around talking. Again, I was naive at all of this stuff so it never crossed my mind that this could possibly be a gay hook up spot. Some of the guys nodded and smiled at me as I entered a booth.

I shut it and locked it…

(Notice: The next following passages contain sexual content. It's not intended for young readers or any of those uncomfortable with sexually graphic descriptions!

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After that we decided to head back to Tolly Ho's. On the way back we picked up some more orange juice. Inside we picked another booth and I just sat and watched all of the people. I decided we should take some more acid, and so we did. We were soooo gone. I had never been this high in my life and it really became a turning point in my life. I realized that I would just enjoy myself and screw everyone else. I'd do my own thing.

I can't really remember the rest of the evening/night. I get little pieces here and there, but I do remember by the time morning came my brain was jello. I had only two hits left and I decided to keep those for myself. Save 'em for a rainy day. When we returned to the hope center we were zombies and completely loony as hell. I remember Bill getting a bag of fritos at some point and it seemed that the bag never emptied, though he would be eating fistfuls. I called it a magical bag of chips.

Then inside the shelter we ran around acting like idiots. Bill's head popped up over some lockers making him look like a dinosaur. I busted out laughing so hard. Towards lunch time I felt like shit. I was finally coming down and exhausted, but I couldn't sleep because it felt like electricity was buzzing through my skin. When you come down you either want to be completely high again or completely off it.

By far this was not my "best" trip. Once I did these gel tabs that knocked me into another dimension, but I'll save that for another day.

I don't want to trivialize drugs or glorify them in any way. In the long run they messed me up pretty bad. However, it's a part of my life and some of the events are too funny not to be told.

May 09, 2006

Right not I'm waiting on lunch and waiting to go to recreation. I still need to exercise, which I probably should've gotten out of the way awhile ago, but I've been loafing around and feeling sorry for myself. Nothing new. I can promise you that.

I stayed up pretty late last night talking about good movies with my neighbor.

This is a random thought, but someone not too long ago accused me having lost my compassion and any sense of tact… Yet, I find it to be the other way around. I guess, in a sense it's a karmic effect from my past, but man… If I ever knew it felt this way to others… I don't think I could've ever done it.

But that's neither here nor there. I think lunch is here. Ten bucks says my vegetarian tray won't be on the cart. I can already tell with the guards that we have working today.

I'm hoping to get moved tonight and hopefully to F-pod… Yeah, I know, I always complain about that Pod, but I need some art work done for some coming up birthdays and well, that's the place to go. It's like going to Wal-Mart. I kid you not. Here on death row it cost damn near an arm and a leg to get somebody to draw you something. Whether it be a card or painting etc. At least on F-pod the guys are so bored, broke and lonely they are more than willing to do something to pass the time. They'll make bracelets, necklaces, crosses, cards, paintings. Whatever you want to get. That's where I need to go! Come on move me to F-pod!!!

I was just trying to get KTRU on my radio and can't seem to pick it up. That's another reason why I want to be moved… The reception stinks over here.

Here's something odd. Someone was telling not long ago about the band Placebo. Now, I've always liked this band and my tastes in music are alternative whereas theirs has always been more down the middle. A little bit of everything. But whenever they mention a song or band they've discovered that I like it seems I can't get away from it. Two songs in particular. One by Nickelback and one new one by Placebo that the buzz is playing. I just find it odd.

Okay, lunch time. But before I go let me tell you what it looks like out my window… I climbed on top of my bed and peeked out. It's very muggy right now, but you can tell that the sun wants to break through, as it manages to blast through some of the grey heavy clouds. The grass is very green. Very vivid. More so than most days. On the grass are a swarm of birds pecking around for their own lunch. I wish I could run barefoot in the grass. I haven't done that in so many years…

It's the afternoon now and I've had my shower and workout. Man, it must be about 95° in this cell. Whew! Quite toasty…

On a good note, I've just discovered this awesome music program that airs now on KPFT, or kpft.org and if you can stream audio… I highly suggest this program. It's called "Sound Scape". It is awesome. The hours are from 3 pm until 5 pm central pacific time. They're playing Tori Amos, Placebo, The Cure, Cocteau Twins, Billy Corgan… I'm in like music heaven right now. I could die right now with a smile on my face :)

I sure would've liked to have gone outside today. It turned out so gorgeous. I just jumped on my bed to look outside and despite the heat, it makes me wish I was a bird. Do you realize how good they've got it made. Okay, minus being part of the food chain and all… It would be awesome to soar through the clouds, feel the breeze rush through my feathers and… if I got really upset I could just poop on anyone I want. What a life!

Speaking of, that brings back a memory of school… I had been going out with Theresa for a few months and I knew she was going to be going home for a weekend and that her mom was going to pick her up that Friday.

After school was out, I went back to the dorms and put on some nice clothes and got cleaned up to greet her mom. Then, I went out to these benches that sat under this dogwood tree. The flowers were blooming on the branches and it was one of those picture perfect days.

All of sudden I feel something slimy hit the side of my face. I'm thinking what the hell? I run my hand across the side of my face and it's bird poop! It was in my hair and on my shirt! I freaked out, ran back to the dorms grabbed some shampoo and had to wash my hair and face as quick as I could. I ran back to my room, threw on another shirt and ran back to the benches. Soon her mom showed up and Theresa followed. They didn't have a clue! I was so relieved. Ha. Ha.

Let's hope tonight ends on a positive note. I'm in a pretty good mood right now. Yep. Music truly soothes the savaged beast. How very true.

May 10, 2006

Today has been slow and uneventful. I got up about six in the morning after finally falling asleep around two in the morning. Got up, made some nasty coffee (even though I like the caffeine I will always detest the taste of coffee; except if it's like a mocha or something. Then it's alright :)) and went outside. It was warm, sticky and humid. My neighbor was on the other side of the cage and we chatted for a bit and then I started to exercise.

Came back inside about nine in the morning. I was doing okay, but I could feel myself starting to get sucked into a depression. After I had a shower I decided to try to do some meditational stuff. You know, thinking about running through green fields full of wild flowers and sparkling flowing streams of water. I kind of spaced out and then some time later the image was shattered by a piercing whistle. Some inmate had been trying to get a guard's attention in the control center and because yelling, screaming or whistling is the only way to get their attention, it's what he did. I did feel better though. Kind of refreshed.

Suddenly a storm came out of nowhere and it started to lightning and rain like crazy. That lasted for about 45 minutes and then just vanished. Replaced by a shining sun and a blue sky. I like how clean and pretty everything looks right after a nice rain, when the clouds clear out and the sun illuminates.

So much on my mind that I cannot escape. But it's , I guess, too personal. And some things are left better off inside. Besides, I already wrote them down in my personal diary.

Nothing is worth listening to on the radio. I did listen to a good documen­tary on Albert Einstein last night on PBS. That was pretty cool. Rice won't be playing anything good until after eleven and KPFT is in fund drive so…

I guess I could read, but I'm not even in the mood for that. I think I'm going to turn some written down random thoughts into poems… Later.

May 11, 2006

Just as I finished yesterday's entry and shut off my typewriter a guard popped up at me told me I was moving. To be honest, it kind of caught me off guard. Even though I know that I can always be told at any time that I will be moved.

I'm on D-pod. They moved me next to the kindest man on Death Row, Rocky. I love this guy. He's an older Hispanic man. A devout Christian and just has that presence about them. You can't help but smile and feel good around someone like him. I showed up last night and he's standing at his door with a great big smile and says, "Randy, son, I was just thinking about you and praying for you!" I say, "Rocky!", and all my sadness and depression just vanished and it's been gone all day today. Pretty awesome.

We went outside today and everything is a blessing to him. Even the smallest thing. He never complains about anything and he speaks so proudly of his own children and grandchildren. I enjoyed my two hours outside with him.

I haven't really done a whole lot today. I was half way hoping on Mary to show up, but she didn't. Tomorrow is her birthday and she said she'd try to come around that time. Oh well. Anyways, so I kind of tailored my day around that. Surprisingly enough I'm not all that upset she didn't come. I just hope she has a good birthday tomorrow.

I've been listening to KTRU for the past few hours and they're playing some good stuff. Now that they're out for the summer there should be some good DJ's to play good stuff…

I need to shave my head, but I was thinking about growing it out for awhile to see how bad it really is (my baldness). I was wondering if I could find a creative style that wouldn't be infamous "come over" I guess I could try the Donald Trump thing… Yeah right! Ha. Ha. I could look in the mirror and say, "Randy, you're fired!"

Guess I'll get caught up on some reading. There's not much to talk about today.

May 12, 2006

Happy Birthday, Mary… Hope, it's all that you want.

Right now it's a little after eight at night. The song "Hands Open" by Snow Patrol is playing (and it's quite awesome, if you ask me ;)) on the radio and I'm munching on a generic bowl of Cheerios I saved from this morn­ings breakfast. I have to say, not the most pleasant of snacks… They taste like packaging peanuts. Bleh. How, Randy, do you know what packaging peanuts taste like? You ask… 'Cause as a kid I used to put odd things in my mouth out of curiosity of what it might taste like… Yeah, I was a bit odd.