June 01, 2006

It's June. Yeehaw! I wish it could've started off on a better foot…

This morning some of the guards and a sergeant decided they were going to stir up my crazy neighbor. I guess he had some garbage on the floor or his cell was really filthy and the day the warden came through wasn't too happy about how dirty it was. So, my assumption is he told a sergeant to harass him, as it seems to be standard procedure when a warden is mad. So, they put handcuffs on him and take him out of his cell. Then about four guards go in and start tearing stuff up. Then a so called Psychiatrist came in to his cell and looked around. After about thirty minutes or so they all left and put him back in his cell. He of course was riled up now and was yelling out a bunch nonsense. And they wrote him a discipline case…

Now, what really angers me about this – and I don't know my neighbor but I'm smart enough to realize he has a serious mental disorder, or he's like the best method actor in the world – what angers me is that they would think that by punishing him he would stop being "crazy". Where does this logic come from? You're not going to "break him", if he's got problems, there's nothing you can do unless you offer real help. He lives in a completely different world than everybody else. Your rules and policies are of no concern to him. They don't exist. Yet… They think if they treat them like a sane and normal inmate they're doing something. I swear this state is so backwoods. They don't want to help him get better. They want to hold him until they can kill him. It pisses me off.

Shortly after that I went to medical. I'm not that bad off… I've got high blood pressure from stress and eating too much salty foods (i.e. peanuts, nuts and chips… Hey! What else can eat? That's about all there is for me.) I'm not getting enough sleep from depression and so he referred me to their wonderful psychiatric department in which they offered to dope me up so I could sleep and I said nope, ain't happening. I have low iron, which just means I've got to take a vitamin that has iron in it. I have to stop eating salty foods. They worst news was I have a ruptured ear canal and some fluid leakage. I got some ear drop antibiotics for that. He thinks I'll probably have some permanent hearing loss. That sucks, because I rely on my ears for so much. I mean, sound is my world. I'll get a check up in about 4-6 weeks. If I want then, I can have a hearing test, but they don't offer them on this unit, so I will probably be sent to another unit for a day or so. That's a long ways away, though. Sigh… What can you do?

They still didn't bring mail, which I figured. I bet my theory proves right. I'll get some mail on Friday.

What a wonderful start to the month!

June 02, 2006

Friday. At least this week went by fast. It still is raining though, when they swore it was going to stop. What is the deal!

I did get some mail. Yea! And a really sweet little note from Mary and that made my day and weekend. I was expecting some other things, but never got them. That completely sucked, though.

I wish I had more to say than that, but I'm kind of in a funk.

June 03, 2006

Wow! The sun is finally out! It looks gorgeous outside. Though, it's sad that I can't get out today. I tried asking the guards, but she said no. Oh well. I haven't gotten any sun all week. I need sunshine!

My day is still early. I'll be going to recreation in a short while. I've just been spending my time reading this awesome book called "Confederate In The Attic". It's about how the civil war affected the American south and how it still affects most southerners to this day.

I was born and raised in the south, but I've never had a hold on it. I'm a Yankee at heart, though I do like the generosity of the south. Well, some of us have it anyways. In most ways I just think southerners are a bunch of right winged fanatics. But Southern Liberals are the best!

This book is really good, though, and I like it a lot.

Got some laundry out of the way. My jumper is hanging up to dry right now. By the time I get back from rec. it should be dry, I'm hoping.

I'm the worlds biggest klutz! I was getting ready to go to recreation when I decided I wanted some coffee. I made some and poured it into a small milk bottle that had a snap on lid. As the guard showed up to pull me out, I sat the bottle on the ledge of my sink and as the guard put the handcuffs on me, the bottle falls off the ledge and bursts on the floor sending coffee everywhere! What could I do? I had cuffs on and so I couldn't clean it up until I returned from recreation. Which during that time had dried up into a great brown mess. Plus, it smelled so bad. This instant freeze dried coffee smells like piss when it dries out. Ugh.

Right now I'm listening to the Disney movie "Toy Story". I remember seeing this in the theaters way back in 1995. It blew me away. Listening to it now, I'm reminded at how good this movie is.

Hey! The Dallas Mavericks basketball team beat the Phoenix Suns and are going to the NBA Finals! Woohoo! That's my team. They'll be playing The Miami Heat. Should be a good championship. For those who don't know about American Basketball: They will play seven games. Whoever wins four games wins the whole deal.

Okay, I think I'll turn in now. More tomorrow!

June 04, 2006

Hey… Sundays are so drab. Actually it hasn't been terribly bad. I've managed to stay busy. It's a little after two in the afternoon right now a little over 90° outside. I looked out my window and it seems to be really nice. Not too many clouds. I wish I could open it up and get some fresh air. That would be a real pleasure.

I think I pulled a shoulder muscle yesterday, 'cause my right shoulder is killing me.

I can't remember what I wanted to write about today. I was going to tell a funny story, but now I can't remember… I need to start writing different thoughts down. Sometimes when I'm cleaning my cell or shaving or doing other things I'll think, "Hey! That'll be good to tell in my journal, but then I don't write it down. Sheesh.

I did want to write about a memory of being in prison that was inspired by the book I am reading. The author is talking to various people in the south and how the American Civil War still affects them. Well, there's this one loony guy, he's interviewing and he's spouting off how the Jews are taking over the world etc. Yet, the author is Jewish. He asks the loony guy, "Well have you met a Jew?" He says, "No, but I could pick them out." The author says, "Well, I'm Jewish." So, the crazy guy goes, "Huh. Well, you seem okay to me. I just don't like them Zionists…"

When I was in general population I had been approached by many different racist gangs and such. I was never afraid to tell people I was Jewish and most were shocked, when I told them, 'cause they had never really met a Jew. It was pretty funny. Almost every single response was always, "Well, you seem cool to me." Like they expected this big nose money hungry Semite. And then, whenever they were around me they would stop talking their anti-Semitic trash. It was pretty funny.

That's nuts… It's not even 2:20 pm, and they're passing out dinner. Huh.

I guess I'll close up kind of early. I still have to finish some letters and stuff. Peace.

June 05, 2006

Okay, I'm going to say this again: Mainstream radio sucks! Yes, I like some of the music that is out that is played often on the radio, but some songs I can't figure out for the life of me how they get played as much as they do. I cannot believe that the majority of listeners have such awful taste in music! Maybe I'm being a snob, but man… I've heard a few songs on this Alternative Rock station that – one – aren't even "Alternative" and – two – are so annoying and sound alike and they've been playing almost a year now and I could hear them probably about three or four times an hour. Let it die man… sorry, I had to get that off my chest. Right now Rice University doesn't have a DJ in so I'm stuck listening to crap!

Today is a no recreation day. It's hot and I've been trying to keep my mind off of the mail for tonight. I don't think I've ever dreaded the mail, but I'm actually dreading the mail for tonight. Long, private story as to why. Well, either tonight's mail or tomorrow's mail.

I got up about 6:30 am this morning for a shower and have spent most of the day reading. I'm not in much of a writing mood, but I figured I'd get something down.

Hey, wow… The Buzz is actually playing a decent song. "Terrible Lie" by Nine Inch Nails. There's a part in this song where Trent Reznor sings, "Don't turn away from, I need you to hold onto…" This is probably one of my faves by NIN. I digress…

I think I'll tell a school story…

This one took place during a school suspension for climbing out of our dorm window with some friends. We were basically just trying to pull a prank when this kid "Pee Wee" was dropped out of the window and fell to the ground. He went and told on us, so four of us were suspended. This guy they called "Digger" and me were suspended to the farm, which is no fun, believe me.

We had to show up at the farm at 7 am and we were warned to not wear any clothes that we didn't want to be ruined. We put on our worst duds and headed out to the farm which was on the school campus. You just had to cross a swinging bridge that was suspended over part of the Ohio River, they called "Goose creek". Our first morning of suspension we were greeted by heavy fog.

With the air thick and heavy the smell of cow and pig dung was like a blanket around us. We waited outside a barn for someone to tell us what we'd be doing for the day. I honestly didn't think it was going to be too bad, but we had heard the horror stories. Digger and I just brushed them off and looked forward to the three days away from school.

A supervisor named "Ducky" came out of the barn and said, "You guys will be working for me. Poppa T is going to give you a talk whenever he arrives and then we'll get to work." Ducky was an eccentric guy who used to be a student at OBI and was the announcer for the schools basketball games. He was going to be a broad caster, but somehow never got away from the school.

We stood around waiting for Poppa T to show up and give us a speech. The smell of animals was really bugging me and Digger was already goofing around picking up rocks and throwing them at animals. I was in for a very long day.

(Time out… My buddy ghost just came to our dayroom. I'm going to chat with him for a little bit!)

(I'm back… I've got a topic I want to write about later – very interesting…)

Poppa T was this big burly southern Baptist man. He was the schools farm manager and also ran the Four H club. He had a big pot belly and huge forearms and a no nonsense attitude. He was all about serving the Lord and work.

When he showed up he noticed Digger was goofing around and said, "You boys are on my time now. I work for the glory of God and I expect you to give the same amount of glory and respect. We're not going to act like clowns." He said looking at Digger. "And you're to respect the animals. If I see you abus­ing the animals in any way I'm going to take white lightning to your behinds."

"White Lightning" was a mythical paddle that everyone talked about, but had never been seen except by those who had been suspended. To recieve licks from Poppa T with White Lightning was something you did not want to happen. It was rumored that no one had ever been able to take a lick by Poppa T and not dropped to their knees crying. It was said that if you could take his licks without crying he'd hand you a twenty dollar bill. Digger and I gulped.

"You boys will get a five minute break and a ten minute break. You'll only rest when I tell you can rest. Idle hands are the devils workshop so I expect you to be quiet and I expect you to stay busy. There'll be no cursing. When we go to lunch you will not be allowed to sit with your friends. Three days boys. You better never show up late or I'll tack on an extra day. Now, let's start the day with prayer."

Being Jewish I dropped my head out of respect, but didn't pray along with Poppa T. He said his prayer and everyone gave an "Amen" in unison. Then he asked why I didn't. "I'm Jewish, sir", I said. "Well, you know – and I ain't one to beat around the bush, but if you don't accept Christ, well, you ain't gettin' to heaven. You know that right?" This wasn't the first or last time I was told that at OBI.

We spent most of the day cleaning hog pens and cow manure. The hogs were actually very friendly and smart animals, it was just the smell. You couldn't get away from it and it lingered in your nostrils hours after you finished working. When we went to lunch we sat a separate table away from the other students. We had to ask to get up and get juice or tea. Walking up to the igloos, students would jump out of your way and avoid you like the bubonic plague. I could see my friends at a table pointing and snickering at me.

The second day was much of the same. It was the third day that I'll never forget.

For some reason Digger thought that on the third day we wouldn't have to work as hard and that maybe Poppa T would go easy on us. I gave into his logic and so we both headed to the farm in good spirits. Digger was so positive, that we wouldn't work too hard that he brought his real nice baseball cap with him.

Man, were we wrong. Poppa T had us shoveling cow crap and filling up a giant manure spreader with shovels. There was a big cement pad known as the cow lot that branched off of the main barn. Cows roamed the area and ate grain all day long and of course crapped everywhere. To top this off, on this day hogs were everywhere, too.

The first sign of bad luck was when Digger put his nice cap on a fence post and a gust of wind came out nowhere and blew it off straight into a mound of crap. I started laughing and Digger started cussing loudly, "Shhh! Keep it down, dude! If someone hears you cussing we'll get it." He calmed down and grabbed his cap and went to a water spout and washed it off.

Then as we were working Digger leaned on his shovel and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a five dollar bill and said, "Randy, when we get off of work we're going to celebrate. I'm buying at the grill." "Cool!" I said very impressed. As Digger was going to put the five dollars back into his pocket it fell into the cow crap and – I'm not making this up – a pig came out of nowhere licked at it and ate the five dollar bill! Digger started cussing again. I was stunned. I shouldn't believe what I just watched. What were the odds that the day could go so wrong?

We went to lunch and came back to the farm and stood around waiting for Poppa T to tell us what we would do the second part of the day. I remember there was a little pond in front of Poppa T's office and there were some ducks. Digger, thinking no one was around picked up a few stones and started to throwing them at the ducks. My eyes darted around, covering him.

About a minute later Poppa T comes busting out of his office. "Why are you throwing rocks at my animals!?!?!?" he yelled. I froze. Digger dropped the rock that was in his hand. Poppa T pointed right at Diggers chest and said, "Boy, you just got yourself two licks." "But I didn't do anything!" Digger protested. I stood quietly watching him dig his hole deeper. "You want to lie? I watched you from my office. Randy, did he throw rocks at them ducks?" he asked. "Uhh… I wasn't paying attention", I said, not wanting to be a tattle tell. "You just got yourself a lick!" he yelled. He ran off and we were about to find out if the myths of White Lightning were true.

About a minute later he ran out with a giant white fiber glass paddle. I could see that holes had been drilled into the flat surface of the paddle to offer less wind resistance. Yep. The myths were true.

He told Digger to bend over and grab his ankles. Digger was in defiant mode and said, "Sir, I'm going to be the first person to get that twenty dollars." And with a loud Crack! I watched Digger tumble over with a loud "Ouch!" Tears were in his eyes. "Get up. You got one more coming. This hurts me more than it hurts you." Wack! Digger dropped again.

Poppa T turned towards me. "Grab your ankles. Now, had you not lied to me I wouldn't be doing this. The Lord don't like liars." I bent over and like a bolt of lightning sent from God himself it came crashing down right on my butt. I fell to the ground with a loud cry. I can't begin to describe the sharp pain that shot through my behind. It was searing. Probably much like a jolt of lighting would have felt.

And so that was our experience of our three day suspension.

So, earlier I had a conversation with a guy they call "Ghost". I've mentioned him before. He was telling me that there are people in hate groups who monitor Death Row prisoners who keep journals etc. I guess they have nothing better to do than to bash people. Well, if you're reading my site and journal I welcome you and hopefully it will open your hate filled eyes. I love you as a HUMAN BEING. Just remember judge not lest you be judged (I'm pretty sure a guy named Jesus said that.)

Well, I think that does it for now. We'll see if I have anything to write about concerning the mail tonight. I hope it's not as bad as I'm anticipating.

June 06, 2006

Holy cow! It's the day of the devil. Ohhhhh. I'm so freaking scared! No, seriously, I'm tripping out listening to all of these news reports and some evangelical program talking about today could be the day. Well, I sure wish it was so I could leave this forsaken planet.

Not much happening today. I never got the mail I was expecting, so the dread carries into tonight. Oh boy, that would be freaky if I got that stuff on 6/6/6. Maybe I'd be a believer then! Nah… Don't think so.

Don't have much planned for the day. I need to clean my cell and do some laundry. Think I'll do that right now.

Well, it's seven at night now. I was just moved to B-pod 30 cell. It's a pretty nice cell. It's just very echo-y. If that's even a word. I've got a good neighbor. I didn't happen to get the mail though. I think it's being sat on. I just want to get it over with.

June 07, 2006

Another day. It's been very busy today. I got caught up on a lot of things and I even got into another argument over the whole gay amendment thing. Another gay basher. Ignorance and intolerance really chap my hide.

Remember my ear problem? Well, this like never happens, but for some reason the doctor called me back down to medical to take another look at my ear. Turns out I don't have a ruptured ear canal… He said I just have a giant ball of wax blocking the path, so they're going to clean it out tomorrow. I should get my hearing back then. That'll be awesome!

I still didn't get the mail I'm dreading. This is getting out of hand. I just want the suspense to be over with. It's driving me NUTS!!!

Okay, I will close here.

June 08, 2006

Well, that was very strange and disgusting. I went to medical to get my ear cleaned out and so they put this little tube with a big giant syringe type deal and fill it up with hot water and shoot the water directly in to my ear canal. They did this for a few minutes to break the wax up and little pieces were gushing out and then PLOP this giant ball of nasty wax came out and I could hear everything crystal clear. I was soooo happy! I've 100% hearing back and when I turned on my radio and put the head phones on, it was like hearing brand new songs.

The day, otherwise has been long and uneventful. I'm just waiting on the mail. Tonight is the night I know it is…

Yep. I'm raging mad right now. I'm hurt, I'm disgusted and I feel like I've had the biggest betrayal happen to me. I've been lied to. I've been stabbed in the back. I'm so angry and hurt I'm shaking right now and can barely type this. I'm crying. I feel like throwing up.

I got the mail I was waiting on. I completely did not expect this. I was blind sided. How could you? How could you just lie to me and say all of those things and have this crap up? You know, who I'm talking to. I want answers and I want the truth.

June 09, 2006

I'm still mad. I'm still upset. I didn't get any sleep last night and I was so emotionally sick that I threw up a couple of times. On top of that is a special day that has been ruined for me. Why?

I need to move on, if I dwell on it I'll only get angrier…

My attorney came today. Nothing really new to report. My appeals are on hold still and I've got a long ways to go. I learned that one of my co-defendants may be trying to drop his appeals. What that means is that he will no longer fight the death sentence and they will issue him an execution date. My lawyer are going to try to stop him from doing this for several reasons, but also because he's crucial to my case. He has to testify that I had no role in the shootings.

So that's about the day in a nutshell. I just really don't feel like writing much. Sorry, I've been so lame on my entries for the past month or so. I'm just really going through a lot right now. I'm worn out. I'm tired and confused. I'm heart broken. I just don't have a lot going for me right now. Hopefully one of these days I'll get my happiness back. But right now…

There's a song by The Cure called "Untitled". I want to close this up with the lyrics of it. It's kind of how I feel at this moment in time:

Hopelessly drift in the eyes of the ghost again.

Down on my knees and my hands in the air again.

Pushing my face in the memory of you again

But I never know if it's real.

Never know how I wanted to feel.

Never quite said what I wanted to say to you.

Never quite managed the words to explain to you.

Never quite knew how to make them believable.

And now the time has gone. Another time undone.

Hopelessly fighting the devil's futility.

Feeling the monster climbing deeper inside of me.

Feeling him gnawing my heart away hungrily.

I'll never lose this pain.

I'll never dream of you again.

And while I'm at it, I've got one more song I'd like to put in here by The Cure called "A thousand Hours":

For how much longer can I howl into the wind?

For how much longer can I cry like this?

A thousand hours, a thousand ways.

Just to feel my heart for a second.

A thousand hours just thrown away.

Just to feel my heart for a second.

For how much longer can I howl into this wind???

June 10, 2006

I'm feeling a little bit better. Last night I got a really good letter from one of my friends and it cheered me up a lot. I actually got some sleep – about 7 hours – so that was a nice treat. I needed it.

I woke up with a lot of energy. I did some cleaning up and then I started a letter responding to the bad mail I got the other night. I was very calm and actually had a moment of clarity. Definitely some of my best writing, I think. I'm on page twelve (Yes! 12 pages for a letter!) and probably still have much more to stay. But none of it's angry or mean. Too bad it's too personal or I'd let everyone read it :(

When lunch came I didn't eat much. Just the mashed potatoes and the green beans, ever since this incident I've pretty much lost my appetite. At about 10:45 am I went outside with my neighbor and we exercised for about an hour. Then I laid out in the sun and got toasted. Man, you should see my dome. It's like a bright pink :) My nose is crispy and tender. Luckily, we got a little bit of extra time and so decided to play a game of basketball. First one to fifty points. I lost by ten :(  I was holding the lead until I tripped on the ball (I'm a natural born klutz…) and it threw my whole mojo off. Well, that's my excuse and they come a dime a dozen :)

I'm getting ready to listen to the movie "Toy Story 2". I hope it's funny. I need some laughs. I never got a chance to watch it. I'm missing a lot of good movies.

The buzz right now is that KDOL was on the Houston CBS news report last night. I missed it 'cause I listen to NBC news, but everyone is saying it's really good and it doesn't bash the radio station. I think that's pretty cool. Maybe it'll help bring them more donations and outside help. I'm sure that would be nice. I wonder how they got interviewed.

Sigh… I wish my life wasn't so complicated. My friend told me in a letter… Hold on, gotta find that passage… We were discussing relationships and she said, "Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it…, but in the end I think the answer is "yes", because I've learned so much from each situation…" Yeah, I'm pretty much the same way. Sometimes I'll think, "What the hell did I get myself into?" But then, I did have a really great time and I loved everything about it and I love that feeling of being loved and being in love, so… Plus, I did learn a lot from it. I learned a lot about myself, too. Four years is a long time. It just sucks when it's all over. Now… I just want my happiness back. I feel like it's been yanked from under my feet and taken away. I guess in time it'll return. I need to get back to myself. I think I've denied myself of too much lately.

I'm not a selfish person at all. I'd go beyond my limitations for the people I love, but maybe I do give too much of myself. My friend, Dave, said it's okay to be selfish sometimes. Maybe he's right. I just get to where everything gets to be a burden and you lose yourself in the process. You gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else.

I think I'll close here for the night. I've got some other writing to do and I want to check out this movie. Peace!

June 18, 2006

Well I'm starting to get out of my funk… The past week has been an emotional roller coaster that started when someone who was very close to me pretty much had been lying to me and everything for the past 6 months. The thing is, deep inside, I knew… When the truth came to light I just, well… It killed me. Now I truly know how Theresa felt way back then. If you're reading this, Theresa… Man, I am so sorry for all of that. Now I know. I really know.

I started to come around last night and I do feel a lot better. You just have to pick up the pieces and move on and I'm ready to move on. I just want my happiness back and I want to enjoy what I have in my life and enjoy this time as best as possible. I need to regain my focus. I need to be positive and I need to keep moving.

(Hey, I wanted to say hello to what I hope turns out to be a new friend, Chelle. Thanks for your kind and encouraging words:))

I think I'm going to have a lot to say this next week. I've been contemplating a lot of things and have some new theories on love and life. I can't figure out why I'm so obsessed with the ideas of soul mates and that never ending quest of "true" love. It's crazy, but I'm determined to figure it all out before I leave this planet.

Back to my first paragraph, I want to thank those who felt I should know the truth. Please don't feel bad for interfering in personal issues. I would've naively been hanging on to false hopes forever had I not known. So thanks.

I guess I can officially call myself a free man. Well, I at least don't belong to any woman :) Woohoo! (well, that's a broken hearted Woohoo. I'm really not all that happy about it, but at least I can move on…  :*(   )

Guess I'll close here. I'll get back to normal writing tomorrow. I've got much to say, so stay tuned. Oh, Josef tells me my interview from ABCnews is posted up now. Please check it out and you'll get to see me. How I talk, etc.  :)  How cool is that?

Peace.

June 19, 2006

Hmmm. Where to begin? Today was pretty uneventful. Lots of rain, lots of boredom. I went to recreation today at six in the morning. It was an out­side day for me. I had no clue, really that it was going to rain so I was greeted by a light mist as I stepped onto the recreation yard. I wanted to exercise, but it was too wet to do what I wanted to do. Tomorrow will be a no-recreation day for me so that should be even more boring than today. I can't wait.

Right now it's 6:44 pm and I'm sitting here listening to "Entertainment Tonight" on NBC. Nothing decent is playing on the radio.

I'm supposed to get a visit this week. I've got mixed emotions about it. On one hand I look forward to it, on the other… I know it's not going to be a whole lot of fun, because I have serious things to talk about so… I will just make the best out if it I can.

You ever wonder why the news only ever reports "bad" news? This is kind of a random thought that sprang from a little news update that came on to get people to tune in later tonight… I can't believe that people want to hear all about the latest murders and tragedies. That's what you want to go to bed to? Kind of creepy. It's like they do 10 minutes of horrible news and then they do a little upbeat segment and then weather and right before the sports they give you one more bad story just for good measure. Crazy.

There's a song out now by the group TOOL called "Vicarious" and it's really good. It's basically a commentary on how people watch all of this suffering from their couches. The line where he says, "I like to watch things die… Vicariously I live while the whole world dies…" Some idiot back here said that it was cool that he was singing that and I said, "Dude, do you even know what he's talking about?" He said, "Yeah, he's talking about killing and stuff." I just kind of looked at him in pity wondering if I should even really bother explaining the song to him. I guess my point is: I just think it's strange that we as a society or culture would take so much pleasure in another misery. I know I don't want to see a mother on T.V. in agony over losing a loved one. Man, we're strange people. We really are.

It's like the other day a guard asked me why I didn't eat meat and didn't I get tired of eating just beans and vegetables. Yeah, I do get tired of having the same meal everyday, but I take comfort in the fact that I don't have to eat some poor animal. Then the guard says, "Hey, I like animals, too. I love them, but so long as ( I ) don't have to kill them I'll eat them." That logic just left me standing at my door dumbfounded.

And why do people look down on vegetarians like we're abnormal? I haven't solved that mystery yet…

Am I just rambling or what?

I just took a look out my window. It's still overcast, but the rain has let up. There are some birds pecking around for dinner on the grass out there. It's neat to watch them. I've noticed they have a grid system they use. Each bird will be in what seems a square foot section of grass. They all walk in line together pecking away at the ground. When one finds a fruitful area they all immediately fly/hop to that area and begin to peck. It's pretty neat.

Mail should come anytime now. Here recently everything seems to be on time, but that's subject to change. Honestly, I really don't expect anything tonight, Mondays are generally a no mail day.

I think that does it for today. But before i leave, I have to recommend two new songs from the group Snow Patrol: "Hands Open" and "Chasing Cars". The latter is a tear jerker. Both excellent.

Good night and Peace.

June 20, 2006

"No I won't do it again. I don't want to pretend. If it can't be like before I've got to let it end. I don't care what I want, I've had a change of head…" – The Cure.

Don't ask me why I started this entry with that, but it's what's been going around in my head for the past few hours…

The rain finally ended and now the sun is poking it's bright and sunny little head out. I turned out my cell light out, because I prefer natural light to fluorescent. Plus, I look at it as doing my part for the environment. Yeah, yeah…, I know, I'm nuts, but still…

Just like I do to save paper and trees now, I utilize both sides. I think everyone should do that.

Well, here's the latest Polunsky Unit / Death Row news: There is a toilet paper shortage! I kid you not. They posted a notice up saying we had to make what we have last for awhile. Man, that's not going to be a pretty situation for some. Haha.

Today was a non-recreation day and was just as boring as yesterday. I got up at 6:30 pm for a shower and then crawled back into bed until a little after eight in the morning.

I spent a little time talking with my neighbor, then we learned that there's an execution today. The guy they're going to kill (murder) is only like 22 or 23. He came to death row early 2000 or so. I know him well. I'm kind of pissed, because, while I don't know his case from what I've gathered from him he's a product of his environment. Never had a stable family, in and out of state schools and boys homes… Yet, he said the prosecutors in his trial made it seem like he had every chance available to him to do right or better himself… This argument pisses me off so bad. I mean, when are people going to wake up and realize that regardless of the opportunities, not everybody works the same.

You take all of the psychological problems of never having a family and his childhood… Some people just can't beat that. It affects the rest of their life. I'm pretty sure it's a safe bet that anyone who undergoes childhood damage, whether mentally or physically, will be affected for the rest of their lives. Whether or not is apparent on the outside. I can be the most successful business man in the world, but could be addicted to drugs or worse. It's all out of sight no one sees it so they say or think, "Wow! He really overcame his childhood tragedies…"

My point is that I don't think it's fair for any prosecutor to say he had a fair chance in life, when he really didn't. Plus, the even more obvious observation to me would be that he is so young. You're telling me he's beyond redemption? That he's just so far gone, such a monster, that never in his life would he be able to change?

I know this man. And to me he was always kind and friendly as a box of kittens: A big kid is what he was. I'd seen officers talk bad to him and treat him in all sorts of ways and he never even so much as barked back. "Even I will smart back if one of the guards are out of line. I'd never seen him do any of that.

It really makes me angry. When are people going to pull their heads out of their asses and realize that this is WRONG??? You can't justify killing anyone (maybe, in honest to goodness, self-defense would be the ONLY allowance I could perceive…) for any reason. Argh!

Sigh… It's all so sad.

I can smell dinner. It actually smells good, but I guarantee it's not what I'm having… Hmm… What do I predict? Beans, vegetables and peanut butter and jelly. Hold on, it's here… Yep. The only item I got wrong was I had corn bread, too.

Do you ever find it odd when certain things trigger memories from years ago? Things you forgot or just never thought about? I don't know why, but my corn­ bread did that to me. I started cracking up and saying to myself, "How on earth did a piece of corn bread trigger (that) memory!"

I guess it's because when the corn bread crumbled it looked like grits. I've never really liked grits and I thought, "Yuck! My corn bread looks like grits", and that's when the memory hit.

It had to do with me and my girl friend of the time in the summer of '95. Whenever I would go to Louisville (I was living in Lexington, Kentucky), I always met her at the end of the day at the frozen yogurt place she worked at. Sometimes they'd let me into the back (yeah, I was that boy friend everyone loved :) ) of the place and I'd help out and wash the dishes and pans and stuff. Then after they closed up we would take the bus back to her place. A lot of the times I would get an ice cream or soda before we left or she'd surprise me with a new flavor.

As we were waiting for the bus she pulls this little white cup out and tells me to close my eyes and open my mouth. Now, I was always very afraid to do this, because she had a bad habit of putting odd things in my mouth, but being "in love" I always ended up doing it for her. So, here I am thinking she's going to feed me some new flavor of ice cream or something, I open my mouth up and she slides the spoon in and I taste something nasty. "Agh! What the hell is that?" I cry out. She's laughing and says, "Grits!" "Man, I thought it was going to be ice cream or something…", I said. But it was all in good fun.

Huh. That brought up another memory. I used to have this mushroom necklace she gave to me. It's hard to describe it, basically it was a tear drop shaped piece of glass with a tiny glass mushroom inside of the tear drop. Really pretty. Well, she would take the necklace and put it in her mouth while it was still around my neck. This mad me immobile and the only way I could move around again was that I had to kiss her, to make her drop the necklace out of her mouth. Man, were we some crazy kids or what. Haha. Good times :)

There's a really good song on the buzz right now called "Hard To Beat" by the band Hard Fi. It's got a kind of dancy feel to it. I like it.

I will more than likely be moved in a little while so I should close this up for now. Plus I need to do some push ups. I've been slacking today from boredom. Maybe I'll write a little more. I can feel my words coming back and I'm starting to thaw out from all of the B*S* of the past few months. Oh yeah, Randy is coming back :)

I'll write some more if I can. Later.

Okay, wait, I have to write about this!! There's a guy who just took all of his clothing off in the dayroom and is running around in circles going, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" What the hell is going on around here? I can't stop laughing, this is complete insanity! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

It's 7:00 pm on the dot. I could be wrong, but it looks like I won't be moving tonight.

So you're probably wondering what happened to the naked guy running around the dayroom. Haha. It still is funny. They had to get a sergeant to come down and talk him into putting his clothing back on. After a few threats from the sergeant saying he would have to force him to get dressed he stopped. Someone from the psych department had to come down and talk to him and they took the inmate off somewhere. Nobody knows what happened after that. I hope they don't treat him bad.

You know, some people just mentally break back here. It gets very difficult holding onto your sanity when you're locked up in your cell 22-23 hours a day.

Hold on, I'm going to jump in this debate going on. It sounds interesting!

Man, time flies! It's already 11 pm. I just got done reading my mail (awesome letter, Michelle! Made me smile ;) ) and having a little debate. I've got to get up at six in the morning, so I really need to get into bed, but I will go into the conversation we had. Wow, it was really good. I love some really good, intelligent debates and this one is one of the best I've had in a while. Alright. Good night and peaceful dreams!

June 21, 2006

It really looks beautiful outside. I wish I could've gone out :(

Well, it's another day in this dump. Actually today has flown by pretty fast. I went to recreation at 6 in the morning and then came in, did some laundry, took a nap. Wrote a friend… Now I'm just waiting for the guards to tell me I'm moving. I'm sure it'll be tonight.

I wanted to talk about the debate some of us guys had last night and it carried over into this morning. Really good stuff, but first I wanted to clear some things up about my interview with ABC that's posted on my site and MySpace page…

My friend brought up some really good questions and issues about it and I've been wanting to let people know that not all of that report was true.

First, I was not second in charge or the second leader. I've got a document that I will post very soon, that shows me SEVENTH in the pecking order of things. Now while, I disagree with the comments in the document about me not being very bright and not having leader like abilities, I was never a leader or decision maker in our escape or any other actions. The report says I was second in charge, that's false.

I never said me and my girl friend wanted to be like "Bonnie and Clyde". That was an inside joke between my girlfriend back in '95 that my dad took out of context. Obviously, my father told Cheif Wayburne his best friend and my karate teacher etc., mentor and he ran with it.

I felt very betrayed by many of the things Chief Wayburne said about me, because they simply weren't true. Was I liar? Yes. I've never denied that I used to be a very bad liar and I've deceived my friends and family. I've done my best to get that part of my past out of the present. I don't think I was ever a con man. What would I con anyone for? What did I ever really need? Later, in like 2003 my attorneys confronted Chief Wayburne on why he said many bad things about me and lied about me. He simply stated, "I had to do it to protect his parents…" I was very hurt by his actions when I had so much respect for him. I looked up to him and thought he was a wonderful man. So, he called me a liar and con man, but he was one too in that video.

And I've stated since day one, as naive and foolish/impulsive as I was I did escape to have a second chance. I know now that