July 03, 2006

It's humid and rainy today. I'm kind of on the edge of depression, but I'm fighting it off. I can't quite describe the feeling, but it's not a whole lot different than a heavy wool blanket closing in around your head. I was feeling good the last week. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's the fact that nothing decent is on the radio right now. Maybe it's because I got in an argu­ment with some other guys today (more on that in a second…) Well, whatever it is it sucks.

I just finished reading this book called "Monster". It's written in the form of a screen play. A sixteen year old is charged with capital murder and he basically describes the whole trial process and how everyone sees him as a monster. Yet, throughout the whole process he wishes people would see how he really was at heart. I can remember a part in my own trial as I was on the stand and the prosecutor was chopping me to pieces and I said out of the blue, "But I know my heart…" It's weird when people are basically judging you on a snap shot of your life. You think the whole time, "But this isn't me!!!" I don't know, I just found the book very touching.

Well, I managed to piss a couple of guys off on my section, but I don't regret it and I stand by my principles. Maybe it was wrong for me to jump in the conversation in the first place, but I felt a wrong was being done and had to speak upon it.

There's a mentally challenged man back here. He'll hold a normal conversation with you, but you can tell something's not right. Sometimes late at night he'll flip out and start screaming and yelling at nobody. Well, the guy ended up breaking his headphones, I'm guessing yesterday or sometime around that and in one of his saner moments asked this guy, they call "Kangaroo", if he had an extra set of headphones. Kangaroo is a pretty nice guy and said, yeah, he could let him have them. That's when one of Kangaroo's buddies speaks up and says, "Say, Kangaroo. You're weak if you let that crazy fuck use your shit."

"Nah, it isn't that… He ain't got none. It's cool", Kangaroo says.

"No, it ain't cool. What's he done for you? He just keeps us up all not. The dude is fucked in the head. You let him use your shit and we ain't gonna fuck with you no more."

I was staying out of it at first, but then this jackass keeps talking to Kangaroo, making him feel bad for trying to help someone out. I know peer pressure and I know what it's like to want to fit in, but you have to draw a line in the sand. I think back to the night of that Christmas Eve robbery and how I chickened out and didn't draw my line in the sand. I didn't stand up for my principles and look where I'm at…

I was hoping Kangaroo would speak up. Say something and then the jerk says, "Wish they would kill the crazy ass and save us all the headache." I couldn't bite my tongue anymore and walked up to my door. "Hey, last time I checked the state wanted to kill us all, dude. Some people want us all to die and save them the headache. How the hell are you going to hold the fact, that he's off in the head, against him? Wake the hell up man and look where you're at… Say, Kangaroo, you're not weak for letting that man borrow your headphones. To me that shows heart. Don't let anyone tell you want to do…"

"Randy, mind your own damn business. Nobody asked you to step in this car." "Maybe not, but I just don't see how you're going to belittle a man for doing what he feels right. And I sure as hell don't see how you're going to hold your nuts over somebody to die, when you face the same fucking fate. Wake the fuck up man."

Well, after that I was called all sorts of bitches and ho's and everything else, but oh well. Oh, and Kangaroo let the man borrow his headphones.

I could care less what someone back here thinks of me. I just think people need to get their heads out of their asses…

Life, of course goes on in this place. I hope I don't sound self-righteous. I'm really not, I've judged and made my many errs, but man some things just really get under your skin.

I had a weird dream last night. Something about walking a long deserted inter­state. The sky was a bright blue, but everything else around the long stretch of road was pitch black. I didn't know where I was headed to. I just knew I had to get there. I wonder what that meant? Hmmm.

I want to talk about my grandfather, but my typing ribbon is very low. I've got to keep things short until I can get another one. With the holiday and all, there's no telling, so I may have to 'reuse' this one…

July 04, 2006

Today is Independence Day in the U.S. I was kind of hoping to catch fireworks outside my window tonight, but it started raining again so… Doesn't look like any will be happening, which kind of sucks. Every year since I've been here I've been able to watch them. Guess not this year.

I went outside today and it was pretty nice; a little humid, but still nice enough. Then, some dark ominous clouds began moving and it began to sprinkle. This carried on for about five minutes and then the thunder came. Then, it began to pour. I loved it, but the guards made us come back in. Guess they didn't want us to be electrocuted, should a freak bolt of lighting hit the outside recreation yard. To be fair, it is surrounded by steel, so…

I could see the headlines…, "Two Inmates fried when lightning bolt hits their rec. yard… Act of God?"

I wish I could say I had a productful day today, but it amounted to nothing. I haven't even read anything, which I will get my fifty pages in here in a short while. I've just been writing off and on and staring at the wall. My ribbon is so slow and I don't know when I can get another one… I've got to be frugal with it. I do have a lot to say, just running short on ink… Look, I just wasted ribbon by doing that.

I need to write some poems… I've made a few sketches of some; just random thoughts. Guess it'll give me something to do tomorrow.

Guess I'll stop here. I've wasted enough ribbon as it is. Happy fourth of July!

July 05, 2006

I've got to start this off with a book recommendation: "Back Road" by Tawney 0' Dell. Holy cow was that a good book! I started reading it around eight last night after giving up on seeing any fire works. It was her first novel and I could tell early on that it was a first novel, because the story started out very loose, the narrator's voice was unfocused, but after about fifty pages – wham! – the story hits you. She tightens everything up and each pager gets stronger. It's hard to describe the book, but I have to give a warning… Some of it is very violent and sexually graphic. I found a lot of it disturbing, but it wasn't gratuitous. All I can say is it was very good, though. Very good plot. Every character is a victim in some form or another…

I've managed to stay busy today. It's been raining most of the day, but for now we've got a little sunshine, but man it feels like a sauna. Very hot, very humid.

Earlier today I was really missing my brothers. I was thinking about Jimmy and Kevin. I think Jimmy's personality was very much like me and Kevin's much like Wesley's. Jimmy was very quiet and very passive, whereas Kevin was very hyper at times and a bit of a clown. I loved all my brothers e­qually.

When I'd come home from Kentucky on breaks I gave them a lot of attention. Most of the time they were in school during the day, but at night we'd watch movies or play video games. Sometimes they'd sit with me while I talked to my girlfriend on the phone. Kevin and Jimmy liked to ask if they could say hello and then as soon as I'd give them the receiver they would blurt out, "Randy has polka dot underwear!" and start laughing away. They thought it was the funniest thing.

I used to make lemonade or orange juice from those frozen concentrated mixes and they loved helping me out on that. I'd let one hold the pitcher and another stir. Whenever I'd say, "Who wants to make juice?" they would come flying from nowhere yelling, "Me! Me! Me!" I loved to make them smile.

At nighttime after my mom or dad would read them a story I'd go into there room. They shared a bed room and both had very cool race car beds. I would go into their room and sit on a bed and they would always want me to tell a story. So, each night I'd make up one that any child would laugh at. Say "fart" or "poop" in a kids story and they can't get enough. I liked to use made up words that would find funny sounding. I once told a story about an alligator and I'd start out, "There once was an alligator named Rudy with a big fat booty from the tropical island of tooty fruity…" And they would just be giggling away. "How big was his booty?" Kevin would ask snickering. "Oh, bigger than the moon." I'd say. "And he loved to eat little boys up… but he thought that anyone with the name Jimmy or Kevin tasted gross. Oh, he might eat an ear or a hand, but never a whole Jimmy or Kevin." And this would carry on until they would calm down. Most of the time Jimmy always fell asleep first.

Kevin was a handful. He'd never go to sleep right away. Probably the hyperness, but it took hours. Especially if he had a nap during the day time.

Most of the time around ten at night mom and dad would be in the living room watching the news and Jay Leno. I'd watch T.V. in our game room, usually a movie or something. On that part of the house you had my room, Wesley's and Jimmy's and Kevin's. My parents always made us keep the doors to our rooms open at night. So, I'd be sitting on the couch in the game room and would feel the presence of someone else. Sure enough, here's Kevin inching up little by little on his butt until he's parallel with the couch, watching T.V. with me. I'd look down at him and say, "Kevin, if dad catches you you'll be in trouble, get back in bed…" But he wouldn't move. But sure enough, here comes dad, "Kevin! You better be in bed!" Zoom! Kevin would shoot off back into his room. It was hilarious. Then here he would come again inching up little by little to the couch…

I wonder if I'll be moved tonight. I went ahead and straightened my cell out just in case; organized some of my things. I can hear the food cart out in the hall way: almost dinner time.

Today was no recreation day, so I have to do little exercises here and there. That way I don't get too sweaty.

Guess I'll stop here for the time being. Not sure if I'll write more or not. I can see I'm going to reuse this ribbon. I hope it works when I rewind it; it's always a pain in the butt and never prints dark enough. Sigh…

July 06, 2006

I was moved to A-pod last night. I'm always amazed at how clean this pod is compared to the other pods. Of course, it's where the house inmates with execution dates and therefore it is their exhibition piece or their "Ant Farm" and occasionally bring tours through of Huntsville Officials (Huntsville is the TDCJ head office) they always keep it freshly painted and cleaned.

Saving that, it's always incredibly quiet. I like that.

I went out to recreation today. Outside. It was a gorgeous morning, if not a little humid, but all in all very lovely. Walked around, did a few exercises. Man, I've been slacking this past week. Not as intense as I usually do… Spent most of the time talking. Then, I came in, took a little nap, got a shower and read a little.

My buddy Bigfoot came by and he's very vocal in many of the same views of the death penalty I have and other things; so we spent the time discussing many issues. He just started a MySpace page and it's sharp. Very well done; I'll have to put him on my friends list. The print outs he showed me were fantastic.

We spent some time talking about Gandhi (yes, death row prisoners discussing Gandhi. Is that not odd? Haha…) and many of Gandhi's ways of activism. I really think that if I'm ever to be executed I will not walk to the gurney of my own will. When they take me to the van I will sit – without struggle­ – and make them pick me up, load me onto the van and they will have to carry me to my death. I won't lash out, I won't be violent. I won't curse and scream, but they will carry me. I won't walk of my own will. That would be accepting defeat. I wish every inmate would do that. I think it would make a powerful statement. I think every protester should sit outside the execution chambers until the very first light of the sun, protesting each and every execution. I think services should be held by true people of faith who oppose the death penalty. I don't believe you can be a true person of faith and believe in state sanctioned murder…

Well, these are some of the things we discussed. You should hear me when I get really fired up about it. I start standing on my toes, swinging my hands everywhere. Bigfoot started to laugh, "I see you, Randy, standing on your toes!" Haha.

Man, I wonder what's up with Josef. I usually hear from him by now and haven't received anything from him in almost two weeks now. They just past out the mail and he's really good about giving me updates from Germany each week. Hmmm. Maybe he has the blues, because Germany lost to Italy in the World Cup.

Mentally, I'm doing okay. I'm managing to keep depression at bay. I just have to stay focused, can't let my mind drift to the negativity. I'm going to be alright. In fact, I've been quite blessed of late, so I really can't complain.

Right now I have my radio on and I'm listening to a Garbage concert on PBS. It's really good. I could put Shirley Manson in my top twenty gorgeous women. She's pretty hot :) Haha. Plus, I love her voice.

Guess I'll close here and say goodnight. Later!

July 07, 2006

Today has been neither here nor there. I went to recreation this morning at a little after six and had planned on exercising, but then got wrapped up in a conversation and blew that… Had my shower shortly after and took a little nap, 'cause I went to be kind of late last night. I was reading a magazine with an article on Keira Knightly… Man, she's beautiful, too! Definitely in my top five. Hmmm. Top ten all together???

These would be my top ten "Celebrity beauties…" In no particular order!

Natalie Portman

Anne Hathaway

Keira Knightly

Kate Bossworth

Madeline Stowe (I've had a crush on her since I was about fifteen!)

Scarlet Johansen

Robin Tuney

Lucy Lu

Penelope Cruz

Evangeline Lilli

Oh, I could name more, but that's some of my faves! Okay, I know it's kind of trivial and all, but hey I'm only human!

But on a serious note… I wanted to talk a little about my grandfather. He died when I was about 10 or 11, but I still remember him fondly. He had a heart of gold and accepted Wesley and me into the family with open arms.

My grandfather's parents came to the United States as immigrants from Russia at the beginning of the twentieth century, escaping the Jewish persecution that was rising under the early starts of Russian Communism.

They sailed into Ellis Island in New York City and he and his six other brothers eventually spread through out the U.S. Grandpa settled down in Union Town, Pennsylvania, and opened up a roofing and siding business with his brother Harry. I never met Harry, but had heard from various relatives that he was a very nasty man and took advantage of my grandpa. Eventually Grandpa Lester completely owned his business and became very successful.

I don't know how I can remember this so well, but our very first conversation was over the telephone. I had just been adopted and it was a late summer day. Dad was cooking hotdogs, and Wesley and I were watching Superman The Movie on T.V. in the living room. My mom called us to her and said, "Your grandpa is on the phone; he wants to say hello…"

I grabbed the phone and he said, "Is this Randy? This is your grandpa! How are you doing?" He asked me about the things I liked, and I told him how we were about to go swimming. "Your mom says you are a really good swimmer; that's really great…" I told him I had to let Wesley talk now and was say­ing goodbye, and he say's "Well, Randy, welcome to the family and I love you…" I swelled with pride, said bye, and gave the phone to Wes. I took off flying like superman…

That Thanksgiving I finally met grandpa face to face. We flew to Pennsylvania and arrived to his home as it began to snow lightly. He was waiting on us at the door and when we walked in, he wrapped me up in his arms and hugged me tightly, "So this the handsome grandson I have? Boy, look at that face!" He kissed my cheek and greeted Wesley.

When we were settled in, he told us to go to his basement, where he had a pool table and other neat things set up. I remember these carved coconut faces he had hanging on the wall, that became mine, when he passed away. I cherished them so much.

He taught us how to play pool and gave us full attention. I trusted him completely.

One thing that stood out was what seemed like some distance between him and my dad. Maybe I'm wrong, but when I look back at those moments they just seems apart. He seemed stern and rigid with my dad – just like my father was with me. I don't claim to have crystal-clear memories, but it's what I see looking back.

There was one time when we went to grandpa's business. He had a Coca-Cola machine that had the old time bottles. Of course owning the business he had the keys to the machine and asked Wesley, my mom and me if we wanted a coke. He pulled out his key and gave us each one. My dad said, "What about me?" And grandpa said, "You've got the money to buy one…", and he closed the machine up. Looking back, it was odd…

Grandpa had these company trucks and he led us to the garage and told Wes and me to climb inside. "Randy, you're going to drive." I couldn't believe it. He was going to let me drive? Of course he was only kidding and I realized this, but that didn't keep me from pretending and so we took off in his truck. Mom and dad took pictures and I pulled into the gas station and he asked if I needed any gas. He pretended to fill the truck up and off I went again driving the truck around.

I remember playing in the snow – a first for me and Wes. We built a snowman, had hot chocolate and lots of fun.

We did this every year until he had a stroke. I think I was 9 at the time of his stroke. Family flew in from all over the country to see him and help get him into a nursing home. He was confined to a wheel chair, lost his ability to speak and was paralyzed in most of his body. But, it didn't take his joy away. He wasn't any less of a man, because of the stroke.

Wesley and I were his main source of joy, so during this time everyone tried to get us down there as much as possible. Grandpa had a sort of Plexiglas table attached to his wheel chair and under the Plexiglas were pictures of Wesley and me. I would push him around and Wes would sit in his lap. He loved this. We would go outside and blow bubbles with him, which would make him laugh. I used to get him iced tea in the cafeteria and help him drink it. He was still very much alive.

When I was close to being eleven, my parents where going through the process of adopting Jimmy from Korea. I believe my grandfather was excited about this. His eyes would light up when my parents would tell him what they were doing, and just when we finally got Jimmy grandpa died.

Wesley and I were in Daycare and I remember mom and dad rushing into the center and taking us out. Mom was crying and I asked what was wrong. Nobody said anything, but I already knew. It's amazing how kids are so more perceptible than we give them credit for. I don't think I fully understood death at this time, but I knew he was gone.

I remember crying, and I remember feeling sad he was gone, but my parents didn't think Wesley and I understood. Maybe I didn't, but I knew I lost a grandfather and a friend. It's strange at how something that happened almost twenty years ago can still bring tears to my eyes. I admit, when I pray these days he hasn't been in them. I think I will pray for him again. As a kid I used to pray for him every night, asking God to watch over him. To heal him. Sitting here writing this, I wonder what he's up to now. Is he watching over us still? Will I see him when I'm gone? I don't know, but it'd be nice to push that wheel chair around and see that wonderful smile of his. That happiness in his eyes…

July 09, 2006

Well, my day has been so-so. I've spent most of it writing letters for my neighbor, because he's illiterate. I don't mind helping, but it can be tasking. Ugh. And draining.

I was listening to the Shout Out Show, and Mary sent a message… Kind of brought me down, but I'm cool. I mean, I guess she sounded sorry enough. Still… Oh, I don't know. I'm a forgiving person and I forgive her, but, man, it still kind of strikes a nerve.

It was a beautiful day and then later on a storm came.

I'm thinking in sentences.

Guess I'll get this out and send it off to Germany. I haven't heard from Josef in two weeks now, so I hope all is okay with him. I growing worried. Maybe I'll hear from him tomorrow night when they pass out mail. That would be alright…

Guess I'll go. Oh, I heard this Placebo song with some French in it today. It was awesome. I wish I knew the title. Another good song that's out right now is called "Is it any wonder?" by Keane. It sounds like a sonic U2 song.

Peace.

July 10, 2006

Right now it's 8:53 am. I've brushed my teeth, had some coffee (well, did that before I brushed my teeth!) and I'm enjoying this beautiful sunrise that is pouring through my window. Man, it's so gorgeous outside.

I was pulled out of my peaceful sleep by the mailroom and I guess that's why I'm in such a good mood right now. No, I don't particularly like being awakened to be denied something, but it was the nice compliment I received :)

There were two mailroom ladies. One is generally pretty stern. No-nonsense, the other is the one who had said she was sorry for waking me up to deny my Newsweek magazine. The stern one had the paperwork for me to sign and said, "Do you know how to fill this out?" And then, the other says, "Yeah, he does, but you don't have to sound so mean to him… He's really nice. Never complains or cusses us out…" When she said that, the stern one started being nice to me! So I say, "Shhh. Don't let anyone hear you say I'm nice. Remember, we're all monsters back here." They both laughed. After I signed the paperwork they told me to have a nice day :)

It's little exchanges like this that make you feel human. I can't explain the feeling, but just to know that someone you don't communicate with or really even talk to can see a positive quality in you and point it out… Kind of reassure you, it's an awesome feeling. Kindness can go a long way.

I'm supposed to go outside today and I can't wait! To feel some sunshine, to hopefully play some basketball. I'm ready to go right now.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do today. What should I write about? I should make an outline of things I want to write about in my journal. Hmmmm. I'm trying to think of some funny school stories to tell. There's plenty of them.

I hope Rice University will play some good music today. Because it's summer, sometimes there's no student DJ's so… I need to hear some good tunes! I'm feeling deprived.

Okay, well, I'm going to try to think of some things to write and see when I'm going outside. I shall return! Here is a quote from Anne Frank:

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

Looks like I'll be going outside afternoon sometime. Right now I'm in the middle of a good debate. More on that in a bit! We had to take a timeout because they're starting to pass out lunch.

2000-2008=1984; do you get it?

I'm back… I just got done having a pretty good conversation. Basically, we were talking about how jurors (most anyways) don't really care about hearing about mitigating factors in crime. Most don't care about any sort of psychological damage, or your genetic predispositions towards certain things like drug addiction etc… And I personally feel it's a shame that these issues aren't given credibility.

I gave an example of our society's mentality in this regard with homosexuality. I personally feel most gays are born this way. It's just the way it is. I'm sure some choose the "life style", but the majority is born gay. Yet, people demonize it by calling it a moral (or immoral) decision. That no genetic or psychological factors are at hand. Or in simpler terms… Right is right and wrong is wrong and we're "supposed" to know that.

Now apply that same logic to criminal behaviors… You knew wrong from right. Sure, but what about those who can't truly control their behaviors or for whatever circumstances get caught up in something illegal, say doing drugs which then leads to addiction which then leads to robbing someone. Sure, it was wrong and there should be consequences, but I personally believe these other factors should be weighed into the overall judgment – especially when the death penalty is applied.

I think it's sad that we live in a society that considers any kind of genetic or psychological backgrounds to be mumbo jumbo. I believe in God very much so, but to use the Bible as a basis for most moral decisions over solid scientific proof or just common sense, is beyond me…

Goodness!!! I managed to piss away a whole day! It's almost seven at night right now. Then, I went outside and played some ball. Man, was it hot! I was winning fifteen games to four, but then I was getting lightheaded and had to stop. Yes, I drank plenty of water. I think with the humid­ity and heat index it had to be pushing a hundred degrees. I felt like I was baking alive. When I came back in, it was dinner time and a small storm came through. That has disappeared and now the sun is starting to get sleepy. After dinner I did a few push-ups and sit-ups and waited on my shower, which I just got back from and it felt soooooooooooo good! Lord, it felt good.

Now, where was I at? Oh yeah, how it seems our society won't put any weight or credibility into science and psychology…

I was going to give Andrea Yates, the mother who drowned her children, as an example. I know it's a horrible example, but the thing is, look at her background from what's been exposed by her trial and the media… She was under intense psychological stress from having these children one after another. Her nut job of a husband is pressuring to have MORE children, meanwhile her doctor says, "No, you can't handle more children. You're not stable enough."

Her husband tells her, "Well, the bible says we need to produce and be fruitful and multiply blah, blah, blah…" Obviously he has some issues of his own… She has five children, has a nervous breakdown, lands in mental hospital. After awhile they tell her, "You're fine, go home." Takes her off her meds and wham… what happens next is just tragic.

Of course we know what happens her fist trial… And I'll truly be surprised if a jury finds her not guilty of insanity. Why? Because they say she knew right from wrong. And maybe somewhere deep buried inside she does, but her mind was so screwed… she thought she was going to raise "evil" kids because of her own problems so thought it would be better for her to… Yes, that's sick. But that's what a sick – unhealthy – mind can do. She needs help. I doubt she's this evil person inside. It comes down to psychological and genetic disorders.

I'm not saying every criminal should get off because of some disorder, but I really think people have an obligation to consider the entire picture. To weigh everything – especially when you're dealing with executing someone. Not to pass it off as mumbo jumbo.

Well, that's my opinion anyways. These days I'm fascinated by the human con­dition. What makes us tick? Who are we really? How much control do we really have over our lives? How does the soul equate into all of this? How does God fit into this? What was God really thinking when he put us on earth? What's the purpose? Why is human behavior so enigmatic at times? We've had thousands and thousands of years to figure it out and we're nowhere close. Crazy, isn't?

Whew… I'm so pooped. I can't believe the day just shot by like this. But I feel good. I feel really good.

Just got my mail. I'm worried about Josef. I don't know if they're holding his mail or what, but surely I should've heard from him by now! It's been exactly two weeks. Ugh. I may have to write my friend David and have him email to see if all is well. That's what really sucks about being locked up. You're unable to call or drive by a person's house or any of those things to check up on a friend. Freakin' sucks!

Well, guess I'll close here. Good night and peace.

July 11, 2006

Hmmm. Still no mail from Josef. Very worried. I did get something else dealing with my MySpace page and it's been updated and looks bad to the bone! I still have much to do with it. I want a lot of anti death penalty stuff up, but as far as my personality etc… It's there. It's really cool and I give Michelle much props for doing it with Josef's permission. Together they make quite a team! I was blown away.

Not much happened today. Well, I did get into an argument with this guy. He's just a miserable old, paranoid man. I don't even know why I let myself get sucked into arguing with him. I don't ever really allow myself to get caught up in other people's BS, but he disrespected me and I guess some of that old prison mentality of being disrespected kind of sprung up. I'm still mad about it, but I'm trying to let the peacefulness wash over me…

I think I will close here for the night and kind of think, relax, meditate whatever you want to call it. It's getting late and I just want to lie down. But first... I must put my mail in the door co be picked up!

Good night and peaceful dreams.

July 12, 2006

Well, these officers are sure dragging their butts today. We've got a very, very lazy crew. It's after one on the afternoon and they are just starting on the 3rd round of recreation. I'm supposed to go fourth round and it'll be good to get out of this cell, to be honest I feel like I'm being suffocated. I'm kind of on the borderline of extreme anger…

The day started out peaceful enough and I was feeling good. I started working on some new ideas for my MySpace page and was typing away. The morning was beautiful and all of that good stuff. Well, just about forty five minutes ago I got into it with the guy I got into it last night… again. Argh.

Let me tell you what happened last night. I was talking to this guy in the dayroom. He was at the bars and I was standing at my door. Just talking about everything in general, when this old paranoid freak thought we were talking about him. So he comes to door screaming and hollering and cussing us out. I say, "Man, no one was talking to you, you're paranoid." "I know what I heard. You two are talking about me…" "Man, go lay your ass back down, man… Get some sleep", I said.

Okay, in hindsight, I should've just stopped before I let it get to this point. That's what I normally would've done. Well, after I said that he just let loose, I ignored him until he started majorly disrespecting me. And I got mad when I heard some people laugh at his comment and well…

So, me and my dumb butt… I couldn't let it go. He went to the dayroom. At first I just try to ignore it. I'm typing away, enjoying my morning and then like an itch that wouldn't go away: pride, being disrespected etc… I went up to my door and basically just started cussing him out.

Now I feel like a child for doing so… I'm still mad. When I go to recreation I'll just exercise it off. I'm finished with it. If he says anything else I'll just let it go. Water off my back. I just feel stupid and don't hold grudges so I'm trying to figure out where that came from. Maybe it just woke up some old frustrations with other things going on. Who knows? I'm not perfect, but I should be better than that.

Only human…

It's getting really hot in here. My guess is it's about 94 or 95°. Whew. It'd be a nice day to get out and play some ball, but I don't get to do that until tomorrow – that is if they don't move me to another pod tonight.

Hmmm. What else? Guess I should pause here… Huh… The paranoid guy is trying to bait me in a trap again. I can hear him taunting me again. Miserable ass… Ugh. Just let it go, man.

Okay, time out. I'll write more later on. Now I hope I DO get moved. I've gotta get off this section. What I just realized is this is where they originally housed inmates with execution dates and it has a permeating feel­ing of death and negativity in it. I don't really believe in ghosts etc., but man it feels like something is literally poking at me to just start cussing this guy out again. Haha. I think I'll read some psalms. They have a soothing effect.

July 13, 2006

I was moved last night. Right now I'm currently on E-pod 39 cell. It's okay here. I've gotta good view out my window and I'm around my buddy Tool, so…

Man, I'm sooo pooped. I went outside for four hours, played some ball and won all of those games. Then we exercised until we almost dropped dead. I'm very sore right now as I type this. The plus side, I heard from Josef tonight. I was getting very worried about him.

I'm very scattered brain right now! I have no idea, if I even want to write anything. I guess I'm going to read my mail and chill out for a bit. I'm in a strange place right now…

Take care and peace!

July 14, 2006

First, I've got to give a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my friend. I bet she's having a blast tonight! Haha. She couldn't make up her mind on what she wanted to do, so I hope she finally decided. Again, she deserves big props for redoing my MySpace page. She's really cool. She reminds me a lot of one of my friends from school, Casey. You know, just one of those people you hang out, kick back and have a good time. Thanks, Michelle! Happy B-day.

I can't believe this week is just about done. Today is a no recreation day so I didn't too much. Okay, I really didn't do anything at all. I got up at about 7 in the morning, drank some coffee (I drink way too much!! Especially for someone who can't stand the taste. Haha…) I listened to the radio and then did a little thirty minute workout. Kept it light, 'cause I'm so sore!

Well, then my bud, Tool, sent over his work on his memoir and asked for my opinion on the first couple of chapters… Good stuff. He just has a problem with breaking up his narrative. Though, very talented. He has a tendency to write very long sentences, so I told him to simplify. Cut the fat out. Geeze, I've become an editor back here. I can't wait to see his final product.

After that I just listened to the news about the escalating problems in Israel. I swear that whole area is not going to rest until they just completely kill each other. When I listened to the American news their focus was on the oil. Never mind people killing each other, bombing, war etc… "What will this do to our gas prices?" Jesus, people are dying and you're worried about some gas? Get a bike, ride a horse or something. Walk. That's why we have two feet… We can send a satellite to Pluto, but we can't figure out a better way to get around? People need to get their heads out of their rear ends…

I wanted to apologize about something I wrote not too long ago that shouldn't have been posted up in my journal…; a friend pointed this out and of course, someone else did too… I shouldn't have disclosed what Mary did to me. That was incredibly private and while I was extremely mad and hurt it still shouldn't have been up. I don't wish her ill in any form or fashion, so if by chance she's reading this I want to say I'm sorry for that.

I think writing this at times is hard for me, because I want to be honest and real so I have to decide what I write and what I don't. Yet, sometimes when they involve others makes it even harder because I want to respect them. But I think I crossed a line and I'm sorry, Mary.

It's getting late now. Close to eleven and I'm not really even tired. But my head is a thousand different places. I suppose I'll close here for the night and write something decent tomorrow.

I have a craving for a pickle. Where does that come from????

Peace.

July 15, 2006

Today hasn't been too bad. I started my day off listening to this program on NPR called, "Wait, wait! Don't tell me." It's very funny. After lunch I went outside and played some basketball, beating one of the best players around on Death Row. The final score? 24 to 14. It was so hot, I thought the sun would do me in, but I just kept pushing. It got a little too close for comfort around game ten. He was right behind me at nine games. Then we had an overtime game and I turned on the after burners and took off after that. I think the overtime game was what gave me a jolt of confidence and I said to myself, "I can beat this guy, I know I can…"

After we played all of those games I just soaked up some sun and sweated about a gallon. My T-shirt was completely soaked. It looked as if someone poured a bucket of water onto me. Haha. When I came back in I was lucky to get a shower right away. Came back from the shower and took a nap.

Right now I'm just sitting here listening to the radio, channel surfing and looking for something worth listening to. No good movies on tonight. Well, I was actually going to listen to this movie called "Unbreakable", but I couldn't get my ABC to come in good.

Guess I'll just pick up a book and do some reading. Peace.

July 16, 2006

Boring, boring, Sunday. It's very hot and I've got to do a lot, so… I'll just take this space to say… Peace!