Randy's Journal (August 2006)
Note to readers of these entries: There are many
grammatical, punctuation and typing errors. It would be incredibly time
consuming to go through each entry and correct the mistakes, so I ask
that the reader please forgive me of these errors. Each entry goes
through several hands in the process of getting my words from death row
to your computer screen in a timely fashion. Thank you for your
patience. I hope you will enjoy my writings.
August 08, 2006 Well, here I am eight days later…And on the one year anniversary of my very first journal entry. One year ago today I wrote about watching them lead Gary Sterling to the van that would take him to his murder and execution. I wrote how I watched a crowd of guards and officials gather around and congratulate one another and how I watched a woman do a little dance. Seeing all of this, watching it play out before me as I was standing on my bed and watching out my little window changed my view on the death penalty and humanity in general. I can look back in hindsight and pick this moment out as one of the key factors that caused me to evaluate myself and my own humanity… I haven’t written a journal entry in a week now, because I’ve pretty much had no desire to. I guess it was self imposed writers block. I mean, there were many things I suppose I could’ve written about, but I just would look down at my typewriter and shrug, thinking, "Ehhh…maybe tomorrow…" I will say that last Thursday and Friday on the third and fourth, I had two wonderful visits with my friend and mentor, David. We took plenty of pictures and hopefully they will be posted very soon. It was funny because Thursday night I had been moved to C-pod, 51 cell and I am stuck in a cell with a light that will not shut off. The button of switch is broken and so I have been dealing with four very bright and annoying fluorescent lights. When I go to sleep I have to cover the fixture up with paper and a towel and sheet. Then we had some rain on Sunday and my cell began to leak like crazy. Nothing has been fixed since then. Today I got so fed up with my light that I asked a guard if he could just go into the pipe chase where the manual switch for the light is and get him to cut it off. There’s also a small, I think 45 watt bulb back there for security reasons and to light the pipe chase- I asked if he could turn that on so I’d have a little light. It’s now getting dark and my cell has taken on a warm orange glow. So, plenty of things to write about, just didn’t feel like writing them. Maybe I’ve been a tad bit depressed since Friday, too. Got a letter from Mary and it reminded me of how much this "process" hurts. More so when she’s talking about going on vacation, etc. with her boyfriend. Yeah, like I want to hear all of that. I’m dealing with a lot of conflict on this. On one hand I want to try to work out a friendship, on the other a part of me just wants to push it all away and go my own way. I think that’d be what’s healthy, but I’m a glutton for pain so…haha. Right now, I want to focus a little bit of my attention on a new feature for what I hope will be easy to do on my site. I want to call it, "I Am Human". What I envision is posting other death row inmates writings, etc. in this section. Articles, poems, essays, art work. I want people to see that there are humans back here that struggle with the very same issues I do. Love, abandonment, pain, self discovery. I know being an editor in this will take up more time, but I just feel like I have to show more then just myself on this site. So, if all works out this idea will bear some fruit. I’ve got some things I’ve already collected. I have to run it by Josef first. I’m eagerly awaiting a letter from my brother that I heard was heading my way! Can’t wait for that. Maybe tonight. They still have not passed out the mail. Today has been a good day for music =) I’m listening to a program on KTRU right now called, "The Post Punk Show". They play bands like the Psychedelic Furs, Joy Division, Bauhaus, The Cure (early Cure…). I heard this song earlier today, I wish I couldn’t caught the band, ‘cause I can’t remember the name for the life of me…It was on "The Crow" soundtrack and man did that song take me back! I love when it does that, because then you’re swimming in memories long forgotten. I suppose I’ll end this for now. I just wanted to say, "I’m back" =) and will be getting back into the swing of things. I hope to have much to write about from here on out- or until I don’t feel like writing again… As always…Peace! |
August 09, 2006 Ok…today has been a mess. Well, it hasn’t been terrible bad, but I woke up with a sharp pain in my lower left side of my back. It’s still hurting right now and I have no idea what’s up with it. And like an idiot I went out to play ball, trying to tough it out. Not only did I agitate the damn thing but it hurts like hell at every faint move. What did I do? Did I sleep on it wrong, maybe it’s this mattress? Hmmm. Oh, I got my butt kicked at basketball too. I Just couldn’t use my hips and straighten my back for a good shot. Ugh. I wish I could say I accomplished something today, but not really. Heck, I wish I had something to write about, but don’t. However, don’t fret! I think I will tomorrow and over the weekend. I’m thinking of some more events of my past to share =) S’pose I will close this for today. I’m just wasting your time, Mr. Journal. Peace…oh, but wait. I want to leave with this quote I ran across in a Newsweek magazine… It reads: Practice forgiveness, altruism, compassion, service…When you forgive someone, it doesn’t excuse his actions; it frees you from stress and suffering. This is true for nations as well as individuals. Otherwise, the cycle of violence escalates. It takes strength and courage to forgive; those who are afraid to look weak are often the ones preaching vengeance. When you embody peace, people around you feel it. You become an example for others. When you meet hatred with love, fear with hope, that transforms you and those around you. As Ghandi wrote, ’Be the change you want to see in the world.’ Well, that’s it. Sweet dreams and peace to all. |
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August 10, 2006 Man…I just don’t know what I did to my back…it’s still hurting. I’ve been out of commission all day long. In fact, the only reason why I’m not lying down right now is ‘casuse I wanted to type a little something and I was getting restless…still, I can feel a slight pain on my left side. I pretty much shifted my weight to the right side of my butt. Haha. I feel so silly right now typing lop sided… As I was staring at the ceiling today, I was thinking about some new ways I want to change my journal up. I’m thinking about keeping a running blog on my MySpace page so…I’ll be typing on two fronts. My only decision is do I keep the same entry or change it up for my MySpace page? Hmmm. I’ve got big ideas and my friend has been real good about bringing them to life. We’re on the same page as far as creativity, so… We’ll see. I know I’m being very vague here, but I want to keep my ideas a secret for now =) One day someone will check in on a journal update and be like, "Whoa…Cool!" or so I hope anyways. Haha. Hold on. Gotta re-angle my butt here… Ahhh, much better. So, as I was channel surfing the radio today, I went across KDOL two different times and heard songs that I used to love so much. This morning it was the song, "Twilight Garden" by The Cure. That song was a B-side to the song "High" from the album "Wish". I really like that song…but then just a little while ago I heard a song by The Cranberries called, "I Can’t Be With You". I think it had been almost eleven years since I’ve heard that one. It was on the "No Need To Argue" album, which was my favorite album by them. This song shot me back to 1994 when Amy and I broke up. We had a pretty nasty split and I remember I was trying to keep it from ending and I did some pretty outrageous things, the biggest was lying about a medical condition…it was a mess and I’ll tell that story one of these days…but with this song I remember going into my friend Travis’ room and asking if I could use his stereo real quick. His room was right about the side walk that lead into the general store. Everyday after school the general store opened up so students could withdrawal some money from their accounts to buy snacks or spend it at The Grill. The girls weren’t allowed to walk to the store on their own because the store was essentially a part of the High School dorms and maybe they’d sneak off and have un-Baptist like relations with us guys. So, around 3:30 p.m. or so here’d they all come in a big line up to the store. I knew Amy would be in this line so I put a speaker up to the window and turned on "I Can’t Be With You" on the CD player and blasted it out. I know, very much like the movie "Say Anything" but I swear I had never even seen that movie yet! Haha. Playing the song didn’t work, but it’s a cool memory to have. When I was with Theresa I was playing this song one day and she said, "Turn it off. This is the song you played out the window for Amy". She had been standing in line with her! I still think it’s a great song. You know, if we could have one thing from the "free world" here on death row, our own choice, but just one thing; whether it be a T.V. or Play Station, whatever…I would either pick a CD player and a big stack of CD’s or and MP3 player. That’s it. I would love to have an MP3 player. I could literally come up with hundreds of songs/albums I’d load it down with. I think the only thing that would keep me from that, though would be if I was allowed a keyboard…I’d be pretty darned happy with that too =) I haven’t played a piano in over five years now. I will more than likely be moved tonight. I’m hoping to somewhere good. I don’t mind it where I’m at now, but this light is getting on my nerves. I’m going to predict that I get moved to either A-pod or E-pod…Hmmm. They don’t ever send me to A-pod anymore. Well, I think I’ll stop here for now. Gotta lie back down. I may or may not write more later on. |
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August 13, 2006 Man, my back is still killing me! I’ve been out of commission for the past two and ½ days and it sucks. What did I do? I feel like an old freakin’ man. I heard some awesome "Shout Outs" today on KDOL from my friends. It’s nice knowing people are thinking about you. I hope to have a lot to write about this week. Tomorrow I will write about some drama that happened. I swear, some people are just bona fide nuts (but ya still gotta love ‘em anyways- no matter how hateful they are…). So, as always…peace and love. Vote Democrat =) |
August 14, 2006 Oh, glorious day that has set upon me! Yeah, right. Actually, I've been a little bit depressed. I read a letter to someone that had some very mean and cruel things written in it about me. I was going to write about the whole ordeal, but then decided to just let it go. I talked with the dude the problem started over with and we worked it all out. All one big misunderstanding. Things being attributed to people who didn't say them, words being misconstrued. Drama. I guess I cant understand how a person I thought was a very nice person, albeit had a very bad lying problem could turn out so hateful. Must be some serious psychological damage or something. Don't know. Maybe some trauma. I can only speculate. Forgive me for being vague here. I'm more or less talking to myself and only the person I'm thinking about would have any idea it was them I was writing towards. Hmmm. But then again, my writing is very boring to them and only geared towards getting groupies so. Maybe they aren't reading this. They wondered how we could write journal entries about our day, when all we do is sleep, eat and wipe our asses. Yep. I do a lot of those things. Though, I probably wipe my ass more than anything. I wipe my ass a lot. Keeping that area clean is essential to good hygiene. Who wants a nasty smelly ass? Though, if you wipe too much you tend to get dingle berries and that can be pretty gross. Blech! I can write as much as I do, because its called INTROSPECT. Whether it's entertaining or not, I could care less. This isn't about performing a circus act for somebody. It's about looking at myself; my current situation and my past and how I ended up where I'm at today so that I can strive to be a better person. Sometimes you find little insights or nuggets of wisdom in the most mundane things. Life can be simple with complex structure. Life is what it is at times. I don't do this for anyone except MYSELF. I choose to share this with others in the hopes that it will show several things: 1) There are human beings here on death row and in prison. 2) That if a person truly wants to change they can be redeemed. 3) That hopefully others will look at their own lives and find redeeming qualities within themselves. Then, spring forward and shower these attributes onto the world. This is how we can make it a better place Actions speak louder than words and by showing my actions and my sincerity in my own changes, maybe it can be an example on one person. They said, Who are you bullshitting? It's just a ploy to get groupies Hmmm. Kind of a case of the pot calling the kettle black. Don't you think? I mean, I might be generalizing here, but by the standards you're using you could've been one of them. Why is someone who wants to write or reach out to an inmate all of a sudden a groupie? What's wrong with love and support? To be quite honest, I could care less if people want to write or not. I'm not trying to have a popularity contest (there's a quote that goes friends aren't measured in the quantity, but in their worth). I don't actively seek pen pals and I sure as hell don't need a web site or journal to gain pen pals. If someone wants to write, they will write of their own accord. I'm happy with the friends and support I have. But again, I only write for myself. I could easily decide tomorrow that I've taken my writing in this journal as far as it can go and walk away from it to start something else. But so long as I'm still alive I will always have something to write about because I'm always searching for truth. Boring or not. It's foolish to believe that you're any more free than a person locked up. Freedom can and only will come from inside. You may not be in a small cage but your prison can just as easily become a myriad of things in your life. Personal troubles, anger, hate, materialistic items. You're free cause you can hop in the car and go to the movies? That's freedom? Why the bitterness and cruelty then? Why the hateful words? No, you've gotta dig a little deeper to find true freedom and happiness. Love, peace, inner truth. This is freedom. When you can find beauty in everything. Even in this small cage. That's freedom. But for what its worth. I can apologize for the comment I made. I was only asking out of curiosity and that other person you sent the letter to, whom you went off on for no good reason had nothing to do with what I said. So, now that I know the truth I hope it's a safe delivery and they are healthy. I truly mean that (Sorry to the rest of y'all for being vague here!) Little bit of action going on around this place right now. It seems a whole bunch of white guys have lost their minds. Two guys outside have jacked the recreation yards, refusing to come back inside. One guy was gassed on another pod and carried down to discipline, and another guy has just stolen a pair of hand cuffs from a guard. The sergeant just showed up and he's trying to talk the inmate into giving them back to the guards. Is tonight a full moon? Myself, I've been waiting on a shower since about eight this morning. I went to rec. at six. I had planned on exercising, but my back is still a little tender and I don't want to mess it all up again so. Until I feel up to full capacity I'm going to just take it easy. Though, I really want to play some basketball bad. I've got a FEVER! Okay, the sergeant just took off to go do something. As far as I can tell the inmate still has the hand cuffs. There's another guard standing on the run talking to the inmate and they're getting into a heated argument. The guard is saying, I didn't do anything to you. You need to take that up with the other guard. Now a lieutenant has just arrived. Hmmm. Everybody got real quiet. Let me go look out my door. The inmate just gave the handcuffs back to the lieutenant and now they're talking about what ever the issue is. Cant really hear it, so I guess the issue will remain a mystery. From what I can tell the other two inmates who jacked the outside recreation yards have come back inside without any problems. All false alarms. I was worried we were all about to have a suffer the gas. That would've sucked! It makes you sneeze and cough so bad. Plus, your nose won't stop dripping for about forty five minutes. Nothing nice, I can tell you that! Since they're not going to be doing showers anytime soon, I think I will go ahead and wrap this up and just relax a little bit. Maybe catch a little power nap. Peace! |
August 15, 2006 The day is coming to a close and I've received my mail. I received some very nice stuff =). Got some updated print outs of my MySpace page and I'm quite impressed by it. I think I'll be putting up some more anti-death penalty things, but everything else is really sharp. I like all of my vegetarian things, too =). Real cool. I have a friend who sent me a picture of her sonogram of the child she's about to have, well, those sorts of things always blow me away. How complex a little thing like that can be. Life is fantastic. Seeing life in its developmental stages like that makes you wonder why when we get older its so easy to tear it all down. Hmmm. Makes you wonder why we were even entrusted with it in the first place. Do we even deserve being at the top of the chain? I'm not going to keep this very long, as I'm very tired. I spent most of the day working on a top secret writing project. It took a lot out of me emotionally as it's hard to site and just dig as deep as you can into your own self, trying to figure out what makes you tick and sum it up in just a few pages. Though, I wanted to close this entry with something that was sent to me. It was a guy's last statement, who was executed not long ago. I talked about him briefly in a past journal entry. His last words were very haunting and heart breaking. If this doesn't affect you in some sort of way then you should be questioning your own humanity. They read: [sic] Yeah. Momma, I just want you to know I love you. I want all of you to know I love you all. I am at peace. We know what it is. We know the truth. Stay out of crime, there is no point in it. I am at peace. We know the truth and I know it. I have some peace. I am glad it didn't take that long - no 10 or 20 years. I am at peace. And I want everyone to know I did not walk to this because this is straight up murder. I just want everyone to know I didn't walk to this. The reason is because it's murder. I am not going to play a part in my own murder. No one should have to do that. I love you all. I do not know any of your names and I don't know how you feel about me and whether you believe it or not, I did not kill them. I just want you all to have peace, you know what I'm saying? There is no point in that. It's neither here nor there. You have to move past it, it is time to move on. You know what I'm saying. I want each one of my loved ones to move on, I am glad I didn't last long. I'm glad it didn't last long. I am at peace. I am at peace to the fullest. The people that did this - they know. I am not here to point fingers. God will let them know. If this is what it takes, just do what you got to do to get past it. What is takes. I am ready, Warden. Love you all. Let my son know I love him. Goodnight and peace. End the death penalty! |
August 16, 2006 Yeah =). My back is feeling a whole lot better. I'm going to take it easy the next few days and then on Sunday I'm going to kick start my exercise routine up. I really am feeling nasty, having not jogged, played basketball, etc. for the whole week. I went outside this morning and it was so humid and hot. As soon as I stepped outside I felt like I was entering one of those bath houses. I was like, Whew! Spent most of the time talking with another guy about the anti-death penalty movement and some of the things guys on death row are doing. We both agreed that it seemed not a whole lot was being done in either front. From what I can gather - and I've heard this from my friends out there is that there seems to be a lot of division between the movement. Folks claiming they're more anti-death penalty than others, some only rally around particular cases. So long as this riff exists, people on the other side will continue to have their way. What bothers me is this is not seen as a morality or human issue. Well, talking about this we were both getting pretty excited and I can feel - and have felt a budding activist inside me for the past few months. I don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to step out there, but I feel I should do something. So in time I feel I will. It won't be long. It's now after eleven at night. I had every intention on writing more, but I was moved to F-pod 32 cell. Back to the non-death row prisoners pod. I'm very tired and I think I'm going to wind it out. I can't really flesh out my thoughts right now. Argh. Hate being distracted. Peace! |
August 17, 2006 Geeze. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to write something of some substance. I woke up this morning with a freakin cold! I was perfectly fine and then I'm sneezing like crazy and now my nose is leaking like a broken faucet. Not even some cold pills are working. If anything, now my head feels like it's in a washing machine. Kind of tumbling around. If that makes sense. I hope it doesn't stay too long, but I just can't clear my thoughts enough to write, so I'm just going to stop here and put it in an envelope and send it out. Then, I'm going to just put some headphones on and rest. Please just be a 24 hour virus! I've got things to do!!! Later! |
August 20, 2006 Howdy! I'm back. I was actually feeling a lot better yesterday, but I was so behind on other things that I had to play catch up. Right now I'm listening to the radio and relaxing. I woke up this morning with a ton of energy. I hopped out of bed and began to exercise. It felt so good, cause I had not done anything for the past week because of my back. From here on out I'm going to get back in the mode =). It's very noisy right now. Everyone is talking and yelling out their doors and it's echoing around, kind of getting on my nerves. I get over hearing sensory when it gets like that! On top of that I'm trying to focus on the radio! Ahhh! Too much information to process. Haha. This is a very lame entry, I know and I promise to get back into the groove this week. I just wanted everyone to know that I'm doing okay, feeling 100% better. I have a lot to write about, a lot of ideas to share. As I've said, I feel a budding activist growing within me and I want to start doing something with this change or energy - whatever it is. I'm in disagreement with the current state of a lot of anti death penalty movements. It's fine and dandy to sit around and chat about it in some forum. Exchanging views, ideas, etc. is healthy and fantastic. But also you have to DO SOMETHING. Actions speak louder than words. All you're doing is talking it into the ground. Get out and protest, do something. But I'll get into all of that this week. Until then, I just wanted to get this out. Peace to all and keep smiling and happy. I've said this before, but hug someone. Who doesn't want a hug? =) |
August 21, 2006 Today, I think has been one of the hottest days yet. Whew! Its bad. I can touch the back wall to my cell (right where my bed is and the same place I have to sit and type this up) and it is hot enough to fry an egg. Today hasn't been too bad. My attorney came to visit, so it was nice to get out for a little bit. Plus, it was ice cold down in the visiting room. I could have stayed down in that little cage all day long. He didn't have any new updates. We're just waiting on the November elections to see who will be the sitting judge on my appeal. Man, I hope everything swings democrat. I'll have a shot then. If not, that's another thing that pisses me off about our so called Justice System. It's all based on politics these days. Who cares about right or wrong? Who cares about due process. Let's just watch out step so we don't get voted out of office. I won't know for sure what its looking like for me until after November. Everything is depending on this Writ Of Habeas Corpus. I've got plenty of good issues, but ultimately its not in my hands. When I came back from the legal visit I ate my little lunch and then did my exercising. It felt good to work up a little sweat. Fortunately, right after that I was able to get a shower and now I'm writing. I had the craziest dream last night. I've only ever had four or five dreams of being executed, but I have to say last nights was the most realistic of them. Pretty scary stuff. It's one of those kind of dreams where you wake up and it takes a few seconds to regain your bearings on reality. My eyes shot open and I grabbed a loose piece of paper and a pencil and jotted it down real quick. Here's what it was about: I knew my execution date was coming up. Some guards showed up to my cell door and said, Halprin, its that time. I told them okay and grabbed my things packed into a bag. I walked out of the cell and they walked behind me. I could feel nervousness and dread in my dream. I got to a room and there was a table they told me to sit down at. A female guard asked what I wanted to eat for my last meal and I said, I cant eat. I'm too scared. She handed me a note pad and pen and then said, This is to write down your last statement. I grab the pen and then say, Can I get something to drink? I'm real nervous and thirsty. I watch as she walks off. I pick up the pen and state at the note pad. I scribble down a few lines, but can't clear my thoughts. Then the guard sows back up and she's holding a brown paper sack that appears to be loaded with food. Here. Try to eat something. I take the bag and sit it out in front of me and empty it out. There's a bunch of snacks; chips, honey buns, cup cakes. I grab a honey bun and then open up the soft drink. I end up drinking the soda, but can't manage to eat anything. All of a sudden she puts out some sort of metal object that looks like a baby pacifier onto the table. What is that? I ask. It's a butt plug. We have to put this in you so that when you die, you don't shit all over yourself. I stare at it for what seems a few minutes and then I poke at the honey bun again. Suddenly the Warden and some others show up and tell me its time to
go. I get really scared and I stand up. I'm walking to my death. |
August 22, 2006 Another very hot day. I just finished dinner which consisted of; ranch style beans, cooked carrots, peas, and a lovely peanut butter sandwich. Just too yummy for words to describe. (I'm being sarcastic.) I really don't have much to comment on today. Its been kind of awkward all day long. It started this morning when the mail room lady woke me up this morning to deny me some mail. I shrugged it off and climbed back into bed. Then, I heard the same lady start screaming at the cell next door to me. She kept yelling, Sick fucker! Goddamn sick fucker is jacking off on me! I got up and looked and she just kept pointing at the cell next to me. I shrug as if to say, Welcome to prison.. and crawl back into bed again. When I finally got up I started doing some other writing and getting some reading out of the way. Next I need to tidy up my cell, because I think I'll be moving a little bit later. I kind of hope to go to A-pod or B-pod. I like that area the best. Seems to be the most relaxing of the six pods on death row. I've also been writing down some things I want to write about in my journal. I'll probably start doing that writing tomorrow. I just want to relax today. Not in the mood to do any other serious writing. Besides, my other cool, but very talkative neighbor will just keep interrupting me! He means well, but man can he talk! Haha. I think that does it for today. Peace and love and smiles |
August 23, 2006 Well, today I'm kind of sad and depressed. I got a really nasty letter from my ex-wife and I feel it was very unfair. I mean, she was cussing me out and everything. I'd go into more details, but it's too private. I just think it wasn't right to be treated like that. I'm not perfect and maybe I say stupid things and do stupid things from time to time, but Id never say the things she did to me. Sigh I had my writing all planned out for today and I know I haven't really told any good flashbacks lately and I will. I just have to map out what I want to write. I don't know what it is, but the last week I just feel like I'm being pulled into a million different directions. Maybe I've taken on more than I can chew as far as my various writing projects, etc. Who knows. Then, on top of that I just feel these weird, but subtle changes going on within me. I'm just starting to get really annoyed by every little thing back here. I guess I mean the conditions etc. I know I'm not the only one who feels like that, but one can only have their toes stepped on for so long. When I first got to death row I felt that a lot of guys would whine and complain about every little thing. I know some guys would lie and exaggerate situations and I know that it still happens, but now it seems things really are getting pretty messed up here lately. These guards just seem to keep stirring stuff up. Me personally, besides the fact that this whole damn building is falling apart (it really is! Even the foundation is starting to shift. There are literally spots of concreter that have shifted higher than others!), I just get tired of all these damn executions. You have no idea what that can do to your head. I think there's another execution tomorrow night. Its just crazy. Crazier when you get to know just about everyone. When you can put that human face on things. When you can see monsters as humans kind of shatters the whole myth of things (I'll tell a story about my perception of death row and how it ended up changing sometime soon.) I'm just tired of it. But what can I do? My hands are tied. Here's an interesting fact that my friend Michelle sent me. In 1979, Dr. Welsh of Connecticut, a founding member of the National Center for the Study of Corporal Punishment, interviewed hundreds of psychologists, prisoners and citizens at large. Besides finding that all violent criminals at San Quentin had been physically abused, he discovered that 64% of juvenile delinquents had similar beatings, while 0% of college freshman he interviewed at UC Davis and Cal State University, Fresno, had suffered that kind of treatment Pretty crazy, huh? Well, I think Ill close on that note. Sorry for wasting your time today. Have a great day of evening or week.. Yeah! Peace. |
August 24, 2006 As I sit and type this entry right now I have a towel wrapped around my nose and mouth, my eyes are burning and are blurry. I can hear my neighbors and other inmates coughing and gagging. Not ten minutes ago the riot team came in and used several different chemical agents to subdue a death row inmate. He had refused to come out of the day room and wanted to talk to a ranking official over a private, but important problem. This was his only way of getting someone down to talk to him. I was in the day room next to him at the time so I watched and can verify that no threats or anything had been made at any officer or ranking official. Something then transpired and one of the ranking officials said go get the team so we can beat his black ass. I have no reason to make this up. A white official said these words. The other officers pulled the inmates from the other recreation yards and took them to their cells - including me. At this point I could only hear what was going on, but no see anything. I want to say (though I'm only speculating), that someone started a fire at the next section also, because suddenly you could smell smoke and everything became very hazy. Minutes passed and suddenly the riot team came. I watched as about seven or eight men dressed in full protective gear - with gas masks on walked to that section. Someone pulled out a riot control gun and shot a shell that is designed for crowd control, NOT to be used on a single person. We heard a loud BOOM and then the sound of gas cans being sprayed for about 7-10 seconds of course. This is designed for CROWDS also, not a single man. The gas then spread out in a toxic cloud and came into everyone's cell - essentially we were all gassed also. Collective punishment whatever. Knowing there is an execution today and seeing a video camera in one of the officers hands, I came to my door, took a deep breath and started yelling, Murderers! Carrying out state sanctioned murders makes you nothing less than a murderer yourself! Our blood is on your hands! I kept yelling this until I couldn't breathe, but as I was backing away from the door, the gas burning my eyes, I saw the major look in our direction and shake her head yes like she was getting a kick out of all this. Then we hear the sound of the gate to the day room open and I can hear a struggle. It sounded like a bunch of plastic tubs being thrown around. Heavy thuds on hard concrete. Other inmates began yelling from that section and were saying, That's right! Get on their ass! I'm speculating that he wasn't going to just let these men man handle him so he put up a fight. A few seconds later they had the inmate out in the hallway buck naked and pressed up against the wall. I cant verify this, but another inmate swears that one of the riot team guys got in his face and said, How did you like that nigger? Again, I cant verify this, so I cant personally say its a fact. Well, as all this was going on, I became very tense and my jaws were clenching so tight that I broke a molar tooth clean off. I thought, shit! and freaked out for a second. It was one that was already cracked, so I don't know what happens at this point. I guess I have to try to see a dentist as soon as possible. But in this, all the excess use of force and essentially collective punishment has only solidified the ever growing sentiment of death row prisoners in general. Each day becomes worse in this place. My first two years were all right. Could've been a lot worse - and heck even five or six months ago I would've said that inmates were only propagating things and conditions - exaggerating problems, etc. I'm going to say right here, right now, that things are at an all time low. They execute one or two people it seems every other week. There is bird shit all over the outside rec. yards that never is cleaned before they stick someone outside. Toilets and sinks are broken. Some cells lights are out (which is a security violation) or they won't turn off. Cells are leaking everywhere when it rains. These redneck guards are getting progressively worse and showing their true racist characters. I mean, I've about had it myself. I really have. I don't believe in violence for solving a problem, but once I figure out an effective non-aggressive way to protest, you put your money on it that Randy Halprin WILL be front and center. I'm fed up. I'm tired of people being killed. I'm tired of seeing people I know led to their executions. I'm tired of being put in cells that leak or have broken essentials in them. The activist seed has fully blossomed. Can you believe all of this and its only 10:21 a.m.? Weird I was moved to E-pod 39 cell last night. I was happy to get moved. But they keep moving me back to the same cell! Haha. I told the inmate janitor last night that their was no need to sanitize the cell, as I was and have been the only inmate that's been in this cell for the past month. That's good for me, because I know my germs are the only germs in here =). I trust my germs - to an extent. We kind of have a working relationship. Haha. See, even though all this crap and the gloom and doom you can still find a laugh somewhere. I think I will stop here and brush my teeth and see if I can't get to a dentist anytime soon. I'll be back later when I know more information about this incident that cropped up. Well, now its 1:22 p.m. We haven't had lunch yet and they haven't resumed recreation. I've been trying since the incident to see if I can go to the dentist, and the responses I've gotten are, put in a medical request. That's just great. So, even if I turn on in today, with the weekend coming up - I still won't get down there until Monday or Tuesday. I mean, it doesn't hurt or anything, but I don't want any food or bacteria to get into it. I guess I'll just have to brush a whole lot until then. Argh. I'm getting hungry. I feel bad for this one guy. He was called for a visit over three and a half hours ago. That means his family or friends have been waiting down in visitation, sitting in a small uncomfortable chair for that same amount of time. That's just not right to the visitors. I hate when these people just treat an inmate's family or friends just like the inmates. This really stinks. More later on. Just giving an update. This is pure ABSOLUTE BULL SHIT!!!!!!!!!! Our WHOLE dame section was written up a disciplinary case for kicking our cell doors and creating a disturbance. This is pure crap. Not everyone was kicking their doors. I'm so mad right now. Why would she just purposely stir up crap? It makes no sense. If you're trying to get things settled down and then you go and piss off fourteen MORE people? What sucks about this is if they drop my level (or security status) and bring me down to a level 2, that means I lose my visitation privileges and my friend David was supposed to come in October and some else in November; those are out the window. I'm trying to calculate this. Level 2 is 90 days discipline. We got served the case today. It'll take about a week to process, so if they did drop it to a level 2 offense I could come up around Christmas, but if I were to go to level 2, I'd start my protests sold come off around spring, early summer. Hahaha. Freakin nuts. Well, I'm not getting a level 2 offense for nothing. Might as well have some fun damn! This just really screwed my head up. What am I going to do now? I don't know. My head is spinning with thoughts and now I have to fire out letters to inform my friends. Argh, this just really messed everything up. What's so bad about this is I know this case will stick and some ranking official will see my name and opportunity to finally get me back for the escape bullshit. Hell say, Ahhh Randy Halprin, One them Texas seven boys. What's your plea? And I'll say, Not guilty. How can you write everyone on a section for kicking their doors when you don't know who specifically did it? Hmmm. Good point. Guilty. Level 2 loss of recreation, visiting, and commissary privileges for 90 days. Can you tell I'm mad? This is really really bad timing. I've gotta get to some other stuff or else I'm just going to drive myself nuts. If anyone reading this had friends of loved ones on Polunsky, you guys really need to call the warden and complain about growing problems. We're all potentially sitting on a powder keg and the big boom can be avoided. Look, I don't think this place should be Disney Land, but damn they can at least treat us like human beings. It's all I ask. Keep peace in and (TRY) to keep the anger out. I'm trying, I really am. Peace. |
August 26, 2006 Today has been about speculation and damage control, not to mention informing friends as to what’s going on…It’s insane. Yet, somehow just a little while ago I found a moment of peace and tranquility in all of this madness… Last night I think I had a nervous break down. Things just kept building up and as I was sorting through all of my property I just broke down and cried. I had a good cry for about forty five minutes. I finished organizing what I thought this racist regime would take from me and got it all together. We’re all waiting for the guards to show up and take our stuff from us at any minute, but so far they haven’t touched anything. If they do, I’ll lose my radio, typewriter, books, everything except hygiene and writing material. I’ll have to hand write all of my journal entries and anything else. I was getting to the point where I thought I would go off, but I decided to be relaxed and peaceful. I did some meditation earlier and prayed and had some clarity. I felt better. I decided I would take a different approach to this all. It’s going to be very peaceful, as it should be… I wrote grievances today, wrote my attorney, everything. It’s BS what they did and I doubt I’ll be able to beat it, but I’m not going out without trying. Other than that, today has been very quiet. I think everyone is in shock. A few guys were expecting special visits on Monday and there’s no way to inform their friends and loved ones of what’s happened and so sadly when they show up, they’ll be turned away at the gates without explanation. Hundreds of dollars flushed down the drain, I assume. It’s messed up. It’s blue gray outside. We might get some rain. I thought I could smell some far away. It was nice and fresh. I think that does it for today- unless anything else pops up. The way things have been here lately, you just don’t know. Ironic, a month or two ago I was complaining about there not being enough excitement and now…I wish it would go the hell away. Crazy, crazy world I live in. As always, peace and fight the good fight =) |
August 28, 2006 Today was full of more madness. My situation still remains the same and none of us on this section knows what might really happen. We feel that if they don't give us a formal case and hearing then we might be able to have this squashed in thirty days. But that's only wild guessing at best. We all feel like we've been abducted and taken away to some unknown location. The plus of it is at least they haven't messed with my property- yet. So, here's what happened today. I had to research the first problem and go through several reliable sources, so I cant say that I witnessed it first hand, but this is what I gathered. Around eleven this morning a guy with mental issues tried to hang himself. An officer noticed him while passing out lunch. They called the ranking officers, who then called the riot team. They then utilized riot gas on him as he was hanging and then ran in on him. At this point no damage had really been done, other than him barely being able to breathe. They then used force on him, thrashing him around severely and banging him up pretty bad. Instead of calling on psychiatric help they hauled him to an empty cell with no clothing, no mattress, no linens- nothing and threw him. From what I know right now he's in a cell naked, pacing back and forth and crying in gibberish. No psychiatric help has been given to him yet. Then, Later around 2:30 p.m. the riot team was called again because to inmates refused to come back in from outside. Now, from where I was standing at my cell, I have a direct line of sight to the outside recreation yard. I can see the first half of the rec yard, but not the second half very well. All I could see is an inmate holding something across his face. All of a sudden you could see this white phosphorous cloud-like a thick fog. This was the first round of gas they used. Then about five seconds later they used a different gas that was an orangish yellow color. The inmate then took off all of his clothing and walked out peacefully. I don't know what happened after that. The other inmate that I couldn't see came out the same way. The point of me telling you all of this is because things are getting was out of control here. Things are at an all time low and it will only get worse. When will this madness stop? When someone dies? Its crazy. When these guards end up killing someone? It's scary to think about. And you know, since I mentioned that guy that hung himself - and I've discussed this before about inmates with mental health issues, right now I have a neighbor with severe issues. As I type this I can hear him talking to himself. Well, today this one guard kept antagonizing him. I mean, every time he walked past his cell. Calling him bitches, and other names. Then he kept threatening him and insulting him. I got tired of it and one of the last times the guard passed our cells I asked him if that made him feel like more of a man. He gave me a mean look and kept on walking down the run. What's weird, through all of this and feeling a little blue today, I had the craziest memory resurface. I don't even know where it came from or what triggered it. It's just one of those ones that make you go, Wow haven't thought about that in a loooooong time. It happened when I left Kentucky the early summer of 1996. I remember going into this store after seeing a movie (I want to say the movie was The Frighteners with Michael J. Fox). I picked up some batteries for my walkman and I remember being about two or three weeks clean and sober. So, I'm standing in line and I cant help but feel I know the girl working the cash register. I was trying to figure it out and the name Hillary came to mind. Then I noticed her name tag and it said, Hillary, but her hair was a different color and it was a lot shorter. Now, when I was in 5th grade I had met this girl named Hillary at some sort of play that was held for all of the schools in Arlington. I was pretty much a dork in elementary school at this time, so why this cute girl had decided to talk to me and give me her phone number, was beyond me, but I was elated. We spent some time talking off and on the phone, and then in sixth grade I met her at the dance. I didn't talk to her in a long while and then somehow we ended up talking again and meeting at the mall and then never talked again. I think the last time we talked I was in seventh grade and about to go off to Kentucky. So, here I am now standing at the register and she says, Hello and smiles. I'm trying to get the nerve to ask her if she's The Hillary, but I stumble through my hello and clumsily pull out my money to pay for the batteries. She places the batteries into a small bag and gives me the customary, Thank you for shopping. I say, Uh, Yeah. Then I begin to walk away. As I get closer to the exit doors I realize, You idiot! That is THE Hillary - go back and tell her that you're Randy from seventh grade. I hesitate, but then get too scared to turn around. I guess that's one of those moments in your life you wonder what would have happened if I would've just turned around and talked to her. I mean, if you think about it - it could've forever altered my course. What if we had hit it off? What if she gave me her phone number? I may not be sitting here typing this up right now. Very eerie. Maybe in an alternate universe I did turn around and go talk to her. Wouldn't that be crazy? Makes you wonder about the choices you make and paths you choose. Right now, the sun is setting and I'm waiting on my mail. I should be receiving a very important letter from my friend who got an e-mail from my brother. I'm very worried cause I was told he might be in some trouble. Man, I hope he's okay. If he did anything or is back on drugs, my heart will be broken. It really will be. Well, I think that does it for today's entry. I'll continue to give updates on what's going on back here on Polunsky. Again, if you've got friends or loved ones here, you really need to call in and complain, speak up on it. It's getting out of hand. It does work, cause they just over turned the visitation rule they had wrongly changed. Peace and Love! |
August 29, 2006 Well, they did it. They came and seized all of my property today. No radio, no type-writer - nothing. All I was left with was my writing material, (paper, pens, envelopes, etc) and a few books but nothing else. It's weird not having a radio to listen to. I'm going to be clueless on the news. No one over here gets the newspaper so like, right now, I believe it's past four or so and I'm usually listening to NPR (National Public Radio). UGH. My whole routine has been messed up. I guess if anything positive can come from this it'll be because I'll be able to focus on writing - and hopefully re-gain some focus. Here lately I've been orbiting around all of this negativity. My divorce and that relationship falling completely apart. All the crap that's going on back here on Death Row. I just want to find some solid mental ground and inner peace cause to be honest I'm on that proverbial edge. I can feel a lot of anger and bitterness boiling up inside me at times and I do my best to suppress it (which I know isn't the best of things to do, believe me I know). So, who knows. Maybe with my radio gone, no concept of time etc. I'll be able to do that. No distractions. Today was relatively calm. I talked to a few guards who are decent fellows and they feel we were all screwed and that the major overstepped her authority, but that doesn't do me or these other guys any good. They'd never tell her to her face so it's pretty much moot. I'm just hoping this grievance will be able to accomplish something. I've been getting a lot of birthday cards from all over the world. That's a good feeling. Just strangers wishing me well. Then, my friend Michelle totally surprised me with two books which was really unexpected, but made me really happy. I'm going to start reading them as soon as I can. I tell you what, I'm very fortunate for the people who have been in my life and for the people who come into my life. It's just an awesome feeling to have someone accept you; open their arms up to you. Too bad the whole world can't be like that. For us to be loving and accepting toward one another. So, tomorrow I think I'll make an outline of all the many things I want to write about and figure out a way to work them into my journal. I want to re-write this short story I did not too long ago, too. Well, I've got all the time in the world now, haha. No radio, recreation on four times a week, it's going to be a long possible 90 days. Right now I'm going to pick up a book, kick back and wait on the mail. Peace. |
August 30, 2006 I got up at 6 a.m. this morning and went outside. It was kind of humid, but I enjoyed the fresh air. I wanted to run and play some ball, but the basketballs were flat. (I think some jerk did that on purpose) Right now, it's the afternoon some time and I'm still waiting for these security violating guards who've been SLEEPING in the control center to do some showers. And then, my neighbor who has mental problems is saying he wants to kill himself. I told him You don't want to do that, just go get a nap and when you wake up you'll feel better. He really can't harm himself cause he's not allowed any razors or bed sheets - or else I'd be calling for some help. I don't want him to get gassed for no reason. These guards are already trigger happy enough. It's not so bad not having a radio. It's a benefit to have a mind that has music constantly going on in it. I miss my type-writer though. I got spoiled on that. I'm hoping I'll be able to write some good songs once the radio tunes calm down in my head. Then, the original tunes pop up and I'll be inspired. I told this guy I wanted to write a musical and he laughed, then said, Christ Randy, you think you're Andrew Lloyd Weber? I thought it was funny. I found out some upsetting news about my brother. I can't write about it at this time but he's a lot of trouble. It breaks my heart and I hope he comes out okay. I just wish I could help him and it's frustrating that I can't be the brother I should be. I hate having my hands tied. Not much else going on. My hand is tired from spending the day writing. About this time a guard asked me if I wanted a shower. I grabbed my
soap, etc. and he took me to the shower. I bathed and when I was
done, dried off. However, my underwear was missing
well, the shower is directly across from the day room and so I
bend down to the slot and yell out, Hey! Are my boxer shorts out on
the run? The guy at recreation says, Yep. They're out there. Damn I
say. Anyways thought I'd
share that. Don't ask me why. |
August 31, 2006 Well, today there was more excitement. One of the guys on the section I'm in refused to come out of recreation. He was PEACEFULLY protesting an execution that's to be carried out today, so the riot team came and they made threats of them gassing him. He allowed them to place handcuffs on him while he was speaking to the camera. Then he sat down on the ground and the riot team was forced to carry him back to his cell. All the while, he spoke to the camera trained on him, This is a peaceful non-violent protest against State Sanctioned Murder. I'm protesting all of these killings and treatment of the 475 men and women on Texas Death Row on and on - then (and this was funny!) He yelled out, I also protest the U.S. being in occupied Iraq and the budget administration! I thought that was great! This kind of stuff really energizes me!!! But really, this guy did a text book classic of being non-aggressive. His tone was calm and measured - not provoking or belligerent. His actions were peaceful. It was awesome and inspiring =) Actually, all in all, today hasn't been so boring. I'm keeping busy - writing, reading like a maniac - in two days this is all I've read: A screenplay called Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, a Get Fuzzy comic collection called Groovitude, A graphic novel called The Watchers, When Things Fall Apart, a book on Buddhism, and now a book I've been wanting to read so bad - and a guy next section over sent me called Candy Girl. By the way - that screenplay was awesome! I wish I could've seen the movie =( My only problem is I tend to read too much too fast and then I'll get burned out and slow way down, then kick it back up, but right now I'm doing okay. The book I'm currently reading is a memoir about this educated girl who tries out being a stripper for the fun of it and out of being bored. It brought back a memory of my first time in a strip club. It was around April of 1996. I was out of the homeless shelter and had a roommate. I still had no job, only choosing to work temporary labor for the quick cash. Occasionally, Bill the guy who would score drugs for me at the homeless shelter would stop on by and wed drop some acid and go walking all over downtown Lexington. I had just gotten back from a temporary labor job and Bill was waiting on me. Say, dude, I'm gonna go to this strip club later today. You want to come? I kind of hesitated for a second and then made a lame excuse, I'm only eighteen, what if they card me? Man, that's only if you buy and drink - and besides this place is kind of seedy, they never check. Trust me. Alright. I said. Just let me get a shower and dressed. Cool. Meet me right here when you finish. Then I'll get you in. Bring some money, too. Okay. Cool. I'll be back in a bit. The apartment I was staying at was only a block away from Winchester Road, and oddly enough right across the street from the apartment my parents had gotten for me the previous summer. This area had a lot of memories for me with Theresa and it seemed I'd never be able to get away from it. Just the week before she called me up cussing me out for stealing a friends camcorder. I asked for my engagement ring back and she told me she gave it to Amy's Mom. And then said, Honestly, I don't know what I ever saw in you Randy. It must've been something for us to have been engaged I replied in my sarcastic way. Yeah well. Oh what? Someone needs to use the phone? Okay. I'll hang up on this bastard I could hear the girls from school encouraging her attitude towards me. Oh - and Randy if I ever see you again I'll spit in your face. Yeah? Well fuck you! I yelled, but the line was already dead. So, a week later here I am; showering, getting dressed up like I'm going on a date. I gave myself a couple extra sprays of cologne and put lots of gel in my fading green hair. I met back up with Bill in the same place he said he'd be and walked down the street to the strip club. No one was standing at the door and so we walked straight in. We were the only two people in the club. I sat down at a table and my jaw dropped as a beautiful curvaceous Asian woman with a huge tribal tattoo running down her back and side stripped and took the stage. I stared gawking like a ten year old boy who just glimpsed his first Playboy magazine. Bill left the table and went up to the stage placing a dollar bill on the wooden platform. Then, he turned around and came back to the table leaning into me, See, I do that cause they think you're shy. Then they'll give you more attention. I nodded my head in agreement with his logic. Yeah. The shy act. Classic. He was an expert I thought, clearly impressed. However, the Asian Goddess did not find this amusing. She snatched the dollar bill and stormed off the stage yelling, Stupid mother fuckers. I'm not out here for a goddamn dollar! I was shocked. Bill shrugged and said, Soon this place will get crowded. Then it won't matter. Well still see the boobs. Then he grinned wildly showing his missing teeth. But he was right. About 45 minutes later the place was packed. Different women would take the stage every ten to fifteen minutes as the music blared and the lights flashed. I was repulsed and mesmerized at the same time watching as dirty, horny men stuck money into thongs, slapped girls on their butts and tried to grope them only to have hands slapped away as if scolding a child reaching into a cookie jar. Bill got up and disappeared for about ten minutes and came back. I just got you a lap dance. I told this chick you just turned 21 and she thinks you're cute so she's going to do it for free. And then suddenly the DJ spinning music for the women dancing interrupted a song. Let's give it up for Randy! He's turning 21 today! I looked around as men glared at me giving me half hearted claps and then returned to their women that my birthday just disturbed. I felt a tap on my shoulder as a beautiful brown haired woman stood in front of me topless. To be honest, I was more captivated by her stunning beauty than I was at the boobs pointing straight at me. I remember thinking, Why is she working here? I hear you're the birthday boy. This your first lap dance? My face felt hot. Yeah. I mumbled. She then started gyrating in front of me, placing her hands on my shoulders as her boobs swayed back and forth. Now I knew how a cobra was so easily seduced by the snake charmer. Inch by inch she moved upon me until she was now grinding in my lap, her butt rubbing across my crotch. I had been completely seduced and found my hands rubbing her thighs - she didn't stop me. I could see Bill watching us from the corner of my eyes, but I tried to block it out. Suddenly the stripper leaned into my ear and whispered, I just turned 21, too. I don't want to do this forever but guys like you make it easy. I can't remember what I replied back, but then she said, If you want we can get together after this; you're cute. I won't charge you much. Charge me much? Oh my God, she wants me to pay for sex! I think I mumbled something like, No thanks, but uh, maybe next time and she said Okay. Maybe next time. Suddenly I felt her lips on mine, she had on some lip gloss that tasted like cherries. Then, she ran her hands through my hair and bit my ear lobe. Later tiger she said and walked off. No. Fucking. Way! Bill said, exploding my daze. She so wanted you! She wanted you dude! You had your hands all over her thighs, she was putting her tits in your face. They've got no touching rules! And a kiss! Damn! I didn't know if I should be proud or creeped out by him seeing all of that. Uhhh, she wanted me to pay for sex, man. She didn't want me . I could still taste the cherry lip gloss. Naah, she would've given it up to you for free. I'm sure of it. She was enjoying that too much. Bill said. Still, I was saddened by the thought of such a beautiful girl offering to sell herself. From that point on I had a pretty low opinion of prostitutes and was determined to never pay for sex. Even when we escaped and some of the other guys went to a massage parlor and tried to talk me into it - I said no. Bill and I didn't stay much longer. I bought a coke and Bill had a couple shots. After that we rented a movie or two and went back to my apartment and smoked some weed. Anyways, that was my first time experience. By the way - I did go back to that place before I came back to Texas, and she had quit. I was happy to hear that, but wasn't sure if she just went somewhere else to dance or quit all together. A girl as pretty as she was, she could've been a model or something. Sigh. Don't know if I'll be moved to another cell on the same pod or moved off of the pod. But I'm pretty sure I'll be moved tonight so I'll end here. Peace =) |
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