September 20, 2005

Today Mary should have come down to see me, but on Sunday listening to the shout out show she called in and told me that she wouldn't be able to come down this week. And while I know the reasons, why she can't come, it still breaks my heart, because things with us are so fragile right now. It's difficult to watch the woman you love - are in love with - slip away right in front of your eyes. I really gave my all in our relationship. I focused each and every day around her, and to be honest I wouldn't know what to do, how to adjust, if she chose to go another way. I think we would always share a friendship. I consider her my best friend, but how do you make that change from Husband and Wife, back to being friends? I wish I could go into everything, but some things should be left for me to figure out within myself. I've been so lost in thought these past days, in a fog… I haven't felt like this since 1996 when I lost another great love, Theresa. Sure, that was just one of those high school puppy dog romances. Imagine that feeling when you were young and in love and multiply times a hundred. That's how I feel right now watching my marriage slip away.

I understand how she feels, and while I wish I could be selfish and play the "What about me?" card, I'm not that person. I'm not the person who will hold my situation over her head. I just can't. I've seen so many guys say, "Well, if you leave me, I'll drop my appeals…" Come on. That's so lame. Sure, things will feel hopeless but things have their purposes and as long as she will remain in my life in some way, I will be okay. I'm still fighting to keep us together, but I truly feel her mind is made up. Sometimes you just have to accept defeat. I just don't want those fears of dying without love to start creeping back in. Those demons have always lurked in the shad­ows of my life and I can feel them swarming around like a dog who smells red meat…

September 21, 2005

It's Wednesday morning and I just had my morning cup of coffee. Sun light is seeping into my cell. Here in a second I will be going to recreation. I'll exercise the whole hour. Today is my lower body work out. I don't know why but I always hate doing these exercises the most. But at least it will take my mind off of all my troubles here lately. I'm trying to keep from letting depression from setting in because if it does - I'll be out of it for quite a while. I get to the point where I just want to sit in bed with my headphones on and just stare out into nothing.

I just got a denial of mail from the mail room, this one from a friend who is a writer. He is sharing his work on a novel; he's writing with me and I've been following his every change. Well, this is the first time the mail room has denied a big envelope of his calling it a "Publication"; it's not even published yet, so I don't know how they can do that. Crazy. It seems that lately they've gone into over drive on censorship. If one thing irks me more than anything it's censorship. Especially since I'm a very opinionated per­son. But they will do what they do and nobody can do much about it in here. You would think that common sense would prevail every now and then, but it's a very rare thing around here.

It's now 10:00 a.m. and I've just come back from recreation. I had very good exercise and worked out some of my frustration and heart ache. I'll be good for a few hours. Until I start looking at pictures and all of that… I keep a picture of Mary on my desk… We have a tradition of kissing our pictures of each other each night before we go to sleep. I'll think of her as the day goes by wondering what she's doing and all of that… It's even harder now.

Lunch time. Gotta go.

Well, it's now afternoon time. I've been waiting on my shower and just think­ing about why I fear dying alone, with out love.

I know that it stems from my childhood and experiences as teenager. Being adopted and then sent off to boarding school and then all that followed after that… Not a pretty experience.

First, the change of being taken away from a family who beat you as a child, who would say they love you and then push you down stairs, or out a window or knock your tooth out. Then going into a foster home. Then another foster home and then another - finally to a foster home that is decent, but wants to adopt your brother, because he's still a toddler and not you, because you are 5 and too old for them and too much trouble, because you don't know your abc's or how to count… Then, finally being adopted with your brother, when nine years later you are sent off to boarding school. Not for being a trouble maker but for bad grades. I understood that, but I didn't understand at the time when I did get my grades up and did make up the year I failed - with honors and awards - why they then didn't let me come back home. Then, when the school thought I was suicidal they kick me out saying they don't know how to deal with that… This is a school which by the way was for teens with various problems… then my parents say I'm becoming too much trouble for them that I can't come home but they'll get me an apartment anywhere I want to go. They'll help me get on my feet. I'm 17 years old for crying out loud! What do I know about living on my own? Well, hopefully you see my point. This is where my fears started from. This is why I needed drugs to push away those demons. But when you push away one problem with another problem, it begins to get pretty deep… All I've ever wanted in my life more than anything on this earth was to be loved, to give as much love as I have to give to a person who has as much love to give to me. More than anything in this universe. When it all comes down to it, isn't that what we a truly want inside? To be loved? To feel wanted by someone and to be loved…

Random Thoughts: If you say we are soul mates, then why say that this life is too hard… Aren't you admitting we're not soul mates after all?
Will I ever find my "soul mate"? Do soul mate even exist? Is there a person whom each of us is connected to somewhere in this life?
I used to be a quitter, but now I've come to dislike quitters because a quitte takes too many things for granted. A quitter assumes that there will always be a next time and a next and a next…

September 22, 2005

Another crazy day. Right now I'm listening to report after report of hurricane Rita. It's going to be hitting the Gulf coast and Houston pretty soon, some time around tomorrow. Here in Livingston, Texas we might be getting some of the hurricane. They locked the unit down, meaning we cannot leave our cells for any reason except medical purposes. I'm not even sure if they're running visits today. Then, the just moved about 800 inmates from other pri­son units to this unit. They were in flood zones and the strike zones of the hurricane. So things are bit hectic around here. Stressful, too.

We usually get lunch around 9:30 in the morning, but it's almost 2 now and still have had nothing to eat. I don't usually complain about the food and all of that, but man, I'm hungry. We get breakfast around 2 or 3 in the morning - so it's been about 12 hours since our last meal. Ugh.

Really all I've been doing today is sitting and thinking of how I'm going to adjust, should Mary and I split. There's a song by Stevie Nicks, called "LandSlide". The chorus goes, "I've been 'fraid of changing cause I built my life around you…" Man, is that ever right. I try to get my mind off of it, but it just keeps coming back. I thought I'd be able to get over it or try to bury these feelings, because that's my specialty - burying my emotions -, but that's not working either. It's hard. This type of life is hard – even on me…

Hey, lunch is here! Yea! I never thought I'd be so happy to recieve some of this fine prison cuisine, but I'm hungry as a horse right now and would probably eat about anything. Yum. It's spaghetti.

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