Randy's Journal (September 2006)
Note to readers of these entries: There are many
grammatical, punctuation and typing errors. It would be incredibly time
consuming to go through each entry and correct the mistakes, so I ask
that the reader please forgive me of these errors. Each entry goes
through several hands in the process of getting my words from death row
to your computer screen in a timely fashion. Thank you for your
patience. I hope you will enjoy my writings.
September 01, 2006
We were finally served real cases - they scaled back the language no
longer using inciting offender to assault staff. I waived my 24 hour
pre-hearing so I (should) go to court tonight on this mess. I know we
will all be found guilty but hopefully the punishment will be minimal
(it's now a minor infraction) and we will receive our level ones back
as it's no longer a level 2 offense. Still, I
don't have much faith in
that. I will write more on that when it happens.
Today was BORING. I didn't feel like doing squat. I was so depressed
I just laid in bed and wished for the world to end (maybe it has and
I'm just in purgatory). It's a holiday weekend so it's going to be super
boring. I'm going to force myself to read/stay as busy as possible,
but when you're as depressed as I am right now, it becomes very
difficult. I almost didn't write a journal entry today. Not that what
I'm writing right now is very spectacular or interesting.
And so I scream to the heavens, WHY GOD WHY?!?!?!
I wish I could join those horses across the field from this prison.
Peace. |
September 11, 2006
I'm sorry I have not written an entry in about a week or so…
Last week was kind of hard on me and I got really depressed. I
couldn't really write anything at all. This whole situation is
ridiculous. I mean, I feel like a possible 3 months of my life were
just stolen right from me. I can't explain it. But being on death row;
facing death each and every day… you value
every little second of any sort of semi-enjoyment. Whether it's
listening to the radio or eating a bag of chips. It's not about any
material want of something, more instead a simple joy in simple
pleasures.
My day started to the smell of riot gas in the morning. A guy over on
level 3 refused to come in from outside. So, they
gassed him and dragged him. Once that happened, they did not allow the
level 3 guys recreation and so they started some fires and flooded the
walk ways by stopping up their toilets and sinks. It was so foggy with
smoke throughout the pod. Madness ensued…
I then went outside in hopes of playing some basketball. Well, when we
got outside the rec yard was still covered in a white film of riot
gas. We couldn't play 'cause every time you would bounce the ball, the
gas would fly up in our faces causing us to sneeze a lot. Our skin had
a mild burning sensation to it also.
I spent most of the day reading and anticipating my mail. I'm reading
a really good book right now called Ghost Road Blues by Jonathan
Maberry. It's a thriller/harder book and it's some of the best writing
in this genre I'm read in a long time. A very tightly woven story with
plenty of suspense's. Right now it's like a run away fright train. I
had trouble putting it down. It's supposed to be the first book in a
trilogy. I can't wait for the next ones.
So let's see so far I've read… The Taking by
Dean Koontz (crappy hog wash ending) Pandoras Drive. Various history
books. A book of facts and knowledge, a medical thriller, Off Season a
book about crazed cannibals, all sorts of good stuff =) Anything to
pass the time…
Finally mail came and I got plenty of love =) But two things touched
me most; a post card from the author/artist Jeffrey Brown
- whom I wrote to on a whim and to say how much I enjoyed his
book Unlikely. I didn't expect a reply back, but it was cool that he
did. If anyone wants to read some very touching, personal stuff, you
must get his work. I'm debating on whether I should write again. I
feel I want to say, "thank you", but then I don't want to come off as
some stalker fan/death row guy. So, if by chance he's reading this,
thanks, Jeffrey. Thank you for saying my life is worthwhile. I do try
to be the best person I can be these days - and
I do hope that people can learn from my own bad choices and mistakes
in life.
I suppose on that note I will get ready for bed and close this
up. Peace and love =) |
September 12, 2006
It rained last night. It felt good to hear the pitter patter sound of
the drops smack against the window. Too bad there was no thunder.
I woke up this morning and began to write. Right now it's 1:50 p.m.
and I was waiting to go outside, but that fell through and I'm going
to go to B-section to talk to a friend. I'm probably go ahead and do a
30 minute work out real quick to get it out of the way.
I wish I had something to say, but I'm kind of drawing a blank. I just
wanted to say that I'm okay and trying to hold my head up. It gets
hard at times, more difficult than you could ever realize. You get
tired, feel drained, but… it is my life and I
have to deal with it, I suppose.
I didn't intend on this being depressing so I will close this
up. Maybe my writing will get better. I never expected that being on
level 2 would have me feeling like this. I thought maybe my writing
would be a little more inspiring. Guess I was wrong… Peace. |
September 13, 2006
"Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me…happy birthday to meeeee.
Happy birthday to me." Had to sing it to myself ‘cause nobody else
would. I told a female guard, "Hey, it’s my birthday can I get a
‘happy birthday’?" She kind of glared at me and snorted, "huh". Man.
Geeze. I’m 29. At the door step of 30. I’m practically bald, got
hair everywhere else on my body…yet, somehow I still feel trapped in
1996. Crazy.
I thought I’d be depressed, but really I’m not. I’ve kept pretty
busy today. Did some cross word puzzles, wrote a little, straightened
out my cell, gave away some books that I read and were taking up
space. And it’s a beautiful day outside. It doesn’t even feel like we
hit 90 degrees. Come on autumn. Please…let us have a normal autumn
this year.
Things have been relatively calm today. I’m happy for that. It
seems the past few weeks have been filled with so much chaos and
unrest. I haven’t been on a normal pod, now in over a month so I don’t
know what the moral is like there. Most people on the discipline pod
feed off of the madness. I wish I could study guys down here; talk to
them, figure out what kind of background they come from. The thing
that bothers me the most is seeing the severely mentally troubled
people back here and how they are treated. I’ve never understood why
the authorities even bother writing them discipline cases. They don’t
have the ability to comprehend that they are being punished. I doubt
they even fully comprehend the fact that they are just cattle waiting
to be slaughtered.
For example, there’s a black man they just moved to this section a
few nights ago. Truly troubled. He’s not aggressive, not violent. He
has a mental disorder and is incapable at this point to take care of
his own hygiene. He can’t clean up after himself and never cleaned his
cell. So, what do they do? Write him a case for being dirty. And then,
the "psych department" allows for the case to go through instead of
explaining to the guards, "uh hey…he’s kind of out there and can’t
take care of himself." I mean shit, they guy is so doped up he can
barely talk as it is.
To me this is just barbaric treatment. I’ll take my unfair
punishment, but let this guy go back to level 1.
Dinner was alright. We basically had breakfast; pancakes, oatmeal,
applesauce and cereal. Better than eating beans, that’s for sure =)
Right now I’m waiting to see if I’ll be moved to another cell. I
kind of hope I do.
Well, guess I’ll stop here for the day. I just started a political
book by P. J. O’Rourke called Parliament Of
Whores. It’s about the U.S. government. Should be interesting.
As ever…Peace and oh yeah, happy birthday to me =) |
September 15, 2006
Ah. Another day in purgatory. Gotta love it! (Can you tell I’m being
sarcastic??) No, seriously…today was extremely boring. I had planned
on doing some reading, but instead just stared at the wall and out my
window. I’ve got the biggest caffeine withdrawal headache I’ve ever
had! I was doing okay, but then…Wham! I was fiending as if I had been
on a 20 day crack binge or something. (No, I’ve never smoked crack!
Crack is wack!) My coffee stash (I had to hide it from the authorities
‘cause on level 2 you’re not supposed to have any food, etc…) Well, I
knew it wasn’t going to last forever, I just didn’t expect it to run
out so fast. Anyways, I’ve got a headache and I’m feeling very
lethargic.
It’s 7:34 p.m. right now and the sun is setting. Not a very
spectacular sunset, either. Most of the sky is a navy blue, except for
a small slash of neon orange across the horizon.
I was moved to 38 cell last night. I’m still on E-pod, as I’ve been
for the past 3 ½ weeks now. The cell is alright, good view; but with
the desk on the right side of the cell, it’s messing up my feng shui.
I don’t know, it’s kind of got me all off. That’s weird, isn’t it? Oh-
and this is the section that all of the ‘trouble’ started on. Wouldn’t
it be my wonderful luck if I was to be here and they got into trouble
again? Haha…
I was talking to someone over here who said they talked to a
lieutenant and the lieutenant promised we were only going to be
punished for 30 days. I’m optimistically cautious. It would be
wonderful it it was the truth, though =) If so, it would mean I’d be
back on level 1 on the 25th or 26th. I can handle that. Lets hope its
true.
Oh! I got my ‘happy birthday’ comments and such and I wanted to
tahnk everyone who wished me a happy birthday. I know it’s not much,
but with me it’s the small things that matter and so they become BIG
things to me. You don’t really ‘know’ me see yet still, you have the
kind hearts to wish a stranger a happy birthday. Thank you.
Hmmm…not much else going on around here. Just waiting on the mail
now. I really don’t expect much, but who knows?
Peace and bless you all. |
September
17, 2006
A boring weekend has finally come to a finish. I’m sitting here with a
damp sheet hanging above my head. I did laundry today
- hand washed everything and now I’m winding down for the day.
After I finish this entry I’ll read a bit. I just started another
horror novel called A House Divided. I’m kind of getting hooked on
these hack books. They’re good for a quick read.
I wish I had something to write about, but I’m having writer block
again and I’ll just ramble on and on about nothing
- so I’ll spare this journal that waste of paper and time.
I know, I suck. Don’t remind me =)
Peace. |
September 18, 2006
I've been running all day today. A little humid, but not all too
uncomfortable.
My Attorney stopped by today. Really, he had to talk to someone else
and pulled me out to buy me lunch. I had a salad, a bag of Funyuns,
and soda. He basically told me my appeals are still on hold and will
be until after the first of January…I'm not complaining.
I got up about 6 a.m. this morning, went to recreation and jogged for
a little bit, then came back in to read. I really haven't done a
whole lot else.
I was thinking about a comment someone sent to me in response to
something I wrote about how I said those who talk about being
anti-death penalty should get out and do more…they basically said they
were limited in what they could do because of health problems…
I think everyone does their part in their own way. Whether it's
rallies, or sending out newsletters. That's great and awesome and
most of us back here on Death Row are always grateful for the
support. My point was that I just can't believe people would argue
over being more "anti" than another. I think it's a waste of time and
effort- and usually those who roar the loudest, tend to be the ones
who actually don't do much at all. As they say in prison; "Don't talk
about it- Be about it". There's no point in fighting amongst one
another. Find some middle ground and work on a plausible solution
together.
A friend recently told me that our society is more re-action than
pro-action. I completely agree. It's why our whole political system
is so whacked today.
Anyways, my point is every little bit counts, so do what you can- "No
man is an island" as the quote goes.
Peace. |
September 20, 2006
Hmmm…writers block really sucks. I swear, I need to get motivated
here. I think my middle name has become "Sloth" 'cause all I want to
do is read, eat, crap and sleep. I know…very pathetic.
Well, things have still been pretty uneventful. I'm reading a
sci-fi/medical thriller called "Gravity". It's pretty good.
I went outside and it was kind of chilly this morning. I was so
happy! You have to understand this time last year it was still 80
degrees in the morning, so to step out into 63 degree weather is
invigorating. Hopefully we will have some semblance of Autumn this
year. I love fall weather. I love winter, also. I just wish I was
back in Kentucky to experience it. *SIGH*
I'm guessing my journal is back up and running now that Josef, my
friend and webmaster is back from his vacations. I can't wait to hear
all about his trip!
Okay. Okay. Okay…
Randy… promise to get back into normal
writing more. Tell some stories, reflect on something. Stop
whining. Stop being a complete bore! I will. I promise. Tomorrow I'll
write about something. Hahaha. I'm losing it
- I really am, I think =) Woohoo level 2 is so much fun!
Well, it's time for me to get back to being slothful so…
I will close here.
Peace and Love |
|
September 24, 2006
It's a cool rainy Sunday. My window view stinks to high heaven. So I
can't really see what it looks like outside. My view consists of the
concrete back side of another pod and a slash of gray and white
hanging above that. Kind of depressing, to be honest.
I'm anticipating tomorrow and the big "review date" of whether I'm
going to be (unfairly; collectively) punished for another 60 days or
not. I'm trying to not dwell on the possible/half expected outcome,
but who knows…maybe a miracle will happen. That would be nice, but at
this point a pipe dream. In the meanwhile, I'm running out of books
to read and occupy my time with. I just finished a thriller called
"The Sinner" and a short story collection of folk tales called "The
Man Who Swam With Beavers." That was pretty good. It gave a modern
twist to old native American legends.
Over here, anytime you leave your cell for recreation or a shower or
even to receive a food tray a sergeant or ranking official has to be
present. It kind of sucks. It's not as loud as I figured it might be
so I deal with it. I'm still writing a grievance though.
I thought I'd share this crazy thing I have with certain foods. I
think I've shared my abhorrence of broccoli and cauliflower…the smell
alone makes me want to gag, but even stranger is this weird thing I do
with certain foods- even foods that I like…
If a vegetable or food resembles anything that once was a slimy
creature, lets say a slug or maybe an insect, I cannot eat it. And
when I used to eat meat; if I could imagine what animal once was in
its lively state, I couldn't eat it…I'll give an example.
Now, mushrooms are pretty tasty, right? They're good in certain soups
and foods like pizza, but you know how when you sauté a mushroom it
starts looking slimy and kind of a resemblance of an earth worm being
fried alive? Nope, can no longer eat it. Haha. Same with sautéed
onions, etc. So long as I don't actually see it being cooked, it's
all good. It's delicious, yum yum yummy for my tummy, but if I can
imagine it being a slug, worm, etc. no way.
It was the same way with things like lobsters and crabs. I found it
very macabre to be cracking open a tail or snacking away on a pair of
limbs, and if I saw a whole hen or turkey before me headless and
plump…I'd have to block the imagine of it being a live breathing
animal running around, content in it's little bird life until it's
suddenly beheaded and plucked so that we ca snack away on it in front
of our televisions. Okay, so I exaggerated a little bit, but still
when you think about it, it is kind of gross. Maybe I always had a
budding vegetarian in me all this time and never recognized it? Hmmm.
Still, I can be a little strange with my foods and having a crazy
imagination never helped much at all.
I've got a couple of books left. I'm trying to figure out what I want
to read next to be quite honest, I'm getting burned out. I'm well
over 20 something books in a 20 days period. Craziness. That's what
a boring radio-less life will do to you. I NEED MY MUSIC BACK!!!
AHHHHHHHH!
Alright, well, think I'll close here. Peace =)
|
September 25, 2006
"Where there is love there is life"
Well, it's 7:55 p.m. and I should be depressed as hell, but oddly
enough I'm not.
Today was a beautiful autumn tinged day. I mean, it was perfect in a
weather sense. The sky was blue, the sun was shining brightly…when I
went outside a little before noon it was so cool. I'd guess high
70's. I felt so…energized…alive as the cool fresh air filled my
lungs. My caffeine withdrawal, lethargic feeling was gone. I was
like a bolt of lightning with the amount of energy I had.
The guy I played ball outside with ended up smashing me 29 to 1...I
played horrible but I could care less. It felt so good to play and
run. To feel the first tell tale signs of autumn reaching her arms
around me. I love autumn.
When I came in I did some laundry and read a little as I waiting on my
shower. I was anticipating the decision of whether mine and the
others punishment would be 30 or 90 days and as the day passed I
realized it was going to be 90 days. It's messed up, highly unfair
that we should be punished for so long, but they have all of the
control. It's sad that they (prison officials) can mess with
someone's lives so bad…but I know karma will catch up, as it always
does.
To add to what I should've been depressed about even more…It's been
almost 2 weeks now that I've not heard from my ex-wife. About 3 weeks
ago we agreed to try to work equally to salvage our friendship and it
seems I'm doing all of the work. I don't know how much patience I
have in this. Why try if the other side doesn't (seem) to want to try
also?
But…I'm not depressed =) I still feel good and I'm happy. I'm truly
going to try to make the best of the next 60 days. I calculated when
my punishment will end and I should be back on level 1 the day before
Thanksgiving. Woohoo =) So maybe, just maybe I won't miss my yearly
tradition of listening to the Maly's Thanksgiving Day parade on NBC.
I know it sounds silly, but it's something I do. And hey, I may be
Jewish, but I love the Christmas season. All the music, the
commercials, the movies, the cookies!!! Oh yeah =)
So, while some bad things happened today, I'm still going to remain
focused and positive and try to plow on through the crap.
Guess I'll close here and say peace =) |
September 26, 2006
"Life is just a chance to grow a soul"
Well, today was a whole lot of nothing. I spent the day reading a
book adaptation of the "X-Men III" movie. It sucked. My neighbor
just sent me the most recent Stephen King book "Cell". It's started
out pretty…weird? It's not bad though.
The weather has still been fantastic. I wish I could've gone outside
today, but I had my recreation inside. I'm 100% sure that I'm doing
90 days on level 2. It kind of had me a little bummed today. I
guess, shell shock that one) the officials can get away with this and
two) that they know it's unfair and wrong. Like I said, I guess I'll
just have to make the best of a bad thing- just 59 days left. Oh
boy. I think I'm going to put up a counter on my MySpace page. Haha.
Much more to write tomorrow. Peace and good night =) |
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