Randy's Journal (September 2007)
Note to readers of these entries: There are many
grammatical, punctuation and typing errors. It would be incredibly time
consuming to go through each entry and correct the mistakes, so I ask
that the reader please forgive me of these errors. Each entry goes
through several hands in the process of getting my words from death row
to your computer screen in a timely fashion. Thank you for your
patience. I hope you will enjoy my writings.
9/1/07
Today is the beginning of a new month and marks 12 days until I
turn 30. Yikes. I didn’t go to recreation today. I needed to catch up
on some sleep. This past week has left me quite restless.
I wanted to write something I read recently from a book of wisdom. A
man asks a Rabbi a question: “Something has been bothering me Rabbi…
Slavery, wars, stealing land from Indians…how could all of these
things happen in our country? I don’t understand. Where was God?” The
Rabbi thought for a second, then responded with a question of his own:
“Where were people?”
Peace.
9/2/07
It’s almost 4:00 A.M. Rain in on the horizon as great thick ugly
grey clouds are creeping into the area. I can see lots of horses out
in a pasture. There are four or five really pretty horses among the
others. One horse keeps wandering up to a group of other horses and
when he gets close the others pull up ahead. What’s up with that? Ha
Ha.
I don’t know why but today I feel so lonely. I can’t explain it other
than being in this cell with no one to talk to or anything to do and
it really sucks. I’m listening to KDOL, but no calls for me have come
in and to be honest it’s really annoying to listen to a bunch of
people talk about mind-numbing trivia while another sounds completely
sauced as she talks and rambles on about Jesus. No disrespect to
Christians, but this is odd.
So I’ll add this useless information: New Cure album December 5th, a
double disc.
Peace.
9/3/07
Today has been boring, rainy and depressing. My loneliness is
pretty smothering today. You know like you want to just cry on a
shoulder, but there is no one there. I looked out my window and
watched rain fall and thought, “God, it’d be nice to run out in that
field as the rain falls down.” But I can’t. I’m stuck in this God
forsaken cell.
Peace.
|
9/4/07
I slept pretty well last night. Surprisingly my sleep did not get
interrupted one single time until I woke up at 8:00 A.M. I'm still a
little down, but what can I do? I have no control over my brother or
any other situation and loneliness comes and goes in this place. You
take the punch but keep on moving.
A funny incident happened today while I was out at recreation.
Apparently a guard had misplaced a set of handcuff keys as they were
picking up trays from lunch. This sent the guard into panic mode when
he realized they were gone. A swarm of guards came into the pod and
began looking everywhere. About forty-five minutes pass and a jerk of
a sergeant says, "One of the offenders must have it. Strip out the
inmates in the day rooms and lock the pod down." The guards begin to
strip search each guy in each day room. I'm next up when one of the
female guards goes to use the officer restroom. She comes out and
says, "I found the keys." The guard that lost the keys then remembered
he had gone to wash his hands after picking up trays and left them on
the basin. I tell the sergeant, "I guess you always assume us inmates
are up to some sort of devious behavior, huh?" The sergeant scowls at
me and walk off.
The sun is out right now, but it's supposed to rain again.
(Later that evening) It's raining now, realistically and
metaphorically speaking. Rain…pouring down, pounding against my
window, pounding against my heart, pounding pounding pounding until it
breaks me apart. I'm so tired of the rain, of the fate of pain.
Peace.
9/5/07
It's 6:19 A.M. I'm about to go outside. I was going to try to
sleep in and skip recreation, but because all I did was toss and turn
throughout the night I told myself, screw it; you'll never get back to
sleep anyway. Oddly enough, right now I'm not even tired even after
only getting probably two hours sleep total. Okay, gotta go. I shall
return.
8:47 A.M. I've just returned from recreation. It drizzled a little,
but other than that it was mind clearing. I was going to come back and
talk about how I'm destined to be without love, etc., but I'll save
the self pity. I hurt, but soon that will pass. I will say that those
who think being locked up is easy have it completely wrong. You're not
only locked away from the world, but from being human to a degree.
I've written about things taken for granted, but how about love and
happiness and relationships and family and life. True freedom is an
internal thing, but the human spirit still has longings, desires,
emotions. I'm mostly past my material desires. Now I have emotional
ones and it flat out sucks to be in a place in which emotion is used
as a weapon against you. Taking my life isn't a punishment (although
it doesn't make it right). Taking my heart is.
Anyway, on a happier note…while I was outside I received my first
birthday gift-a Calvin and Hobbs collection that was really cool. I
have some truly wonderful friends and I'm blessed for that. I can't
hug them or go hang out with them, but I can let them know I'm
appreciative and honored. It lets me know that I'm not ever completely
(alone) in this place.
It's relatively quiet right now and I need a nap. Before it gets too
loud I might write more later on.
Does it ever end? My cell has sprung a leak and I'm taking on water!
Aaaah! I can't take it anymore!
Peace.
|
9/10/07
Today I'm slightly irritated…It seems that TDCJ just takes and
takes. Now they are starting to restrict the kinds of writing supplies
we are able to use. Apparently, according to their new rules on
stationary, colored paper is considered, and I quote, "A security
risk." That's right, colored PAPER! The notice that was given to all
inmates today said that the paper could be broken down and the dye
from the colored paper could be used to pose a threat to security.
Okay, for one, I doubt very seriously if anyone is going to dye a
uniform with bright red or neon green paper. I can see it now: a guy
escapes, running across the field in hot pink. The guy in the guard
tower radios to someone, "I ain't sure if I'm seein' things fellas,
but I believe I just seen me a tellatubby or somethin' running like a
bat out of hell across that there field. Either that or we're being
invaded by them damn homos!" It's freakin' ridiculous. They can't even
justify it with a legitimate excuse. What? The dye can be used as
tattoo ink? Do you realize how much paper it would take to get even an
ounce? No inmate on earth is going to pay ten bucks for a ream of
colored paper for an ounce of dye. No, it comes down to control and
complacency on the part of inmates. Pathetic. Oh, and this rule was
decided on in July. It goes into effect on October 1st. Of course they
didn't tell us until three weeks before October. Sheesh.
Sometimes when you're irritated guards are aware of it and there are
some who will try to push and poke at you. There's one particular
guard working today who not even his own co-workers like working with
because he's generally just a miserable soul. After I came back from
recreation they pulled me out for a shower. I grab my stuff and a
razor. I like to shower and shave at the same time and we usually get
about 10-20 minutes in the shower. I don't think it had been even five
minutes when the guard comes back around as I'm shaving my head and
pounds on the little glass window with his handcuffs. I turn and look
out the window and yell over the water, "That's a little unnecessary!"
I mean, he was hitting the window hard. I finish up and wipe the steam
off of the Plexiglas and start to dry off really slow. I'm watching
him as I do this and you could see that he was agitated. When I get
out of the shower I tell him, "What's the rush? Whether you like it or
not, you're stuck here until shift change." A scowl was the only reply
I received.
Other than all the garbage it is a really lovely day. I should've
tried to get out-side. Sigh…
Peace.
9/11/07
I saw something I had never seen before since I've been on death
row. I had just gotten up from a nap because I went out to recreation
at 6:30 A.M. and really exercised hard with a new workout plan. By the
time I took a shower I was pooped. I get up and just on a whim I
decide to look out my window to see what the horses are up to. I stood
on my bed and peered out across the field and noticed dozens of white
herons swoop down to land on the grass. They were so beautiful to
watch. Big, graceful with their long necks and bright yellow beaks. I
yelled for other guys in their cells to check them out and everyone
was oohing and aahing. It had to be a good omen.
Last night I received an interesting letter that had two addresses
where my brother might be living. Well, one address was the one he had
been staying at, and the other I'm guessing is where he's living. It's
in Argyle and that's where my biological family lives. I haven't been
in contact with them for years now. Actually, it's been just about
four years, but I thought it would be interesting to tell the story of
them.
My brother and I were adopted when we were little kids. Wesley was
taken away by the state before I was and so we were separated for a
short time. I met up with him again in a foster home in Dallas. The
foster family had wanted to adopt Wesley, but not me. I was fortunate
that I had a social worker who did not want Wesley and me to separate.
Later on a family from Arlington adopted us when I was five and Wesley
was two.
My parents never tried to hide from us things about my biological
family. We had pictures and of course I had many memories-mostly bad.
As the years passed I never really had any desire to find or contact
them. I remember asking my dad a few questions here and there about
them, but for the most part my adopted family was my family. Even to
this day I consider my adoptive mom and dad my only parents.
Fast forward to 2002. I was awaiting my trial. My brother had been in
and out of jail and fortunately for him, I think he had a sympathetic
judge who gave him one last chance and ordered him to a drug
rehabilitation program. He finished that and was released on
probation, though he still had orders to continue to take drug
counseling classes.
One night when the guard brought my mail I noticed a letter with an
unfamiliar name and address. I thought, huh, a new pen pal and opened
the letter. It was written in a hard to decipher scrawl much like my
own handwriting and the grammar was horrible, but I read through it
and was amazed by what this lady was saying…She was my biological
mother and she knew about the scar on my wrist and how I got it. She
told me that she had met Wesley at the same rehabilitation place and
when she heard his name she asked if his brother was one of the guys
who escaped from prison. Wesley said, yeah, he is, and then she told
him she was his biological mother. Wesley being the skeptic he always
has been said, prove it, asking how I got the scar on my wrist. She
went into great detail, providing more information than he or I knew.
As I read those words I didn't really know how to feel about it. I'd
always treated my childhood with indifference, not really
understanding the complete emotional and psychological effect it had
on my life as a whole, but I was curious to know more about who I was,
what kind of kid I was, etc. and so I wrote to her. I still couldn't
bring myself to call her "mom" but I was willing to forgive her and
learn about who she was and is.
Our first visit was very difficult. Probably more so for her. I
noticed that despite the very hard years that were etched into her
face that she was once a beautiful woman. Our eyes were identical.
When she first saw me she started crying and walked away from the
visitation booth. When she came back she said, "I can't believe how
beautiful you are. You and Wesley have always been in my heart and
I've not once not thought about y'all…" We talked and I asked her if
she had changed her life. She said he had. In hindsight, I feel a bit
like a hypocrite for asking that, because at the time I had yet to
take any big steps in bettering myself. I was still lying from time to
time and I hadn't given a lot of thought about or to my predicament.
Time passed and my trial was coming up. She disappeared (for reasons I
can't disclose due to my current appeals) and I felt she hadn't really
changed who she was. A lot of empty promises were made and broken.
When I came to death row I still kept in contact. I had been pushing
for her to meet my wife at the time, and I wanted to build some sort
of quasi family. It didn't work. More broken promises. By this time I
was determined to really turn my life around. When you stare death in
the face you tend to want to make life-altering decisions. I felt that
I couldn't let things keep me from making the progress within myself
that I wanted and was determined to make. I chose to sever ties. I
held no animosity or grudge and I can honestly say that I do forgive
my biological parents, but I had to distance myself from them.
A year ago I decided to write to my biological mother and tell her
that if she was willing to make changes in her life, I'd love to try
again, but I never received a response.
I wrote all of this to get to a point and tie it in with the address I
received last night. I recently read a book called The Alchemist by
Paulo Coelho. It's really a simple, but beautiful book that opened my
eyes to a few things. The book is about listening to the soul of the
world and universe and how we're all connected. In the book there's no
such thing as a coincidence. You have to "listen" and then decide
whether you want to act on any particular event. Life is a journey.
But there are things that do guide us if we choose to open our ears
and eyes. I haven't fully wrapped my head around the concept of fate
and destiny or free will, those sorts of ideas, but the more I go
through this life, even life on death row, I see and hear the signs.
And so I feel it is no coincidence that I should be given an address
that not only could lead to my brother, but also to my biological
mother. Maybe it's time to extend the hand once again and write and
let her know that I'm willing to give it another chance. Maybe the
white herons were a good omen.
Not much else to report on today. I'm waiting for a good music program
to start and then I plan on reading the rest of the afternoon.
Peace. |
9/12/07
It's a little after midnight and I'm settling into my new cell. I
was moved from C-Pod (where I spent a month, a new record for the
amount of time I'd been able to stay in a single place) to D-Pod. I
was supposed to be moved into 14 cell, but as I was being taken
upstairs some other inmates started yelling, "Randy, don't go into the
cell, they just moved a guy out of there because the toilet is
broken!" Sure enough, when they opened the door to the cell a rotten
smell hit us and there was a big ol' Mr. Hanky floating in the toilet.
Fortunately, this turd was not singing to us or telling us to brush
our teeth. I told the guard that I would not move into a cell that is
broken and so they put me in the dayroom until they could get approval
from a ranking officer to move me into another cell.
As I was waiting for my new cell, one of the female officers standing
nearby asked me how old I was. I thought this was a strange question,
as it came out of nowhere and so I said, "I turn 30 tomorrow." She
looked around to see if any other guards were paying attention,
lowered her voice and said, "Happy Birthday." That was cool.
Finally I was told I'd be moving into 81 cell. It's not a bad cell at
all, but I have no view. There'll be no watching the horses for a bit…
I'm tired now and technically speaking I'm 30. Five years ago being up
past midnight would've been nothing to me. Now I just want to get some
sleep. Good night.
Peace.
9/13/07
Happy Birthday to me. What was that one Saturday Night Live skit
in which one lady with the really tight red pants would say, "I like
to kick, stretch, then kick again: I'm 50! 50 years old!" Well, I'm
30! 30 years old!
I've dreaded this day for so long. I mean, I've had a bona fide fear
of my thirties. It's silly and I'm not the superstitious kind of
person, but when I was 16 a weird thing happened… On a dare from some
friends I went and had my palm read. The lady pointed to what she
called my "Life line" on my palm and she said I had until I was 32.
Now, I hadn't really given it much thought until I ended up in prison.
It sort of manifested itself into a reality in my mind. Weird as it
may seem, I was starting to believe it. Then when I was put on death
row and I calculated the average time it took for the appeals
process-six years-it came to, yep, 32. I was like, crap…that figures.
So, I've been dreading turning 30. Even though, realistically now it
can't come to 32 because the time it's taking is significantly longer
than the average appeal. I'm still in the State Courts, whereas most
appeals are in Federal Court by the four year mark. So I'm just being
silly with my fear… I know I'm not destined to die in this place. I
really believe that I'll be off death row sooner than later. Kenneth
Foster's commutation only brought more encouragement. I also believe
that those who are around in the next five to seven years can look
forward to a nation-wide moratorium. It's coming.
Anyway, it's actually been a pretty good birthday. Earlier today one
of my friends surprised me with some vegetarian tacos he cooked up
which were quite delicious. He also gave me a soda to wash it down.
Haha. This evening I receiver a bunch of cards from various
organizations and churches which was really nice, and a couple of
cards from really close friends. Now that I'm "30" it's like I've
entered some sort of club, like, ah…you're finally a REAL adult! I
still feel 18 at times though.
Not much else to report around here.
Peace.
9/14/07
I'm so sore. I've been doing this new cardio workout and it's
really beating me up. Plus I jogged for 20 minutes today. I'm hungry
and sore.
I haven't really accomplished much today. I've just been lounging
around. My mind is pretty blank. Sometimes the days are just a blank
sheet of paper. Oh! (Thank God for word association!) I almost forgot…
I had mentioned that TDCJ is changing it's stationary policy. Well, I
wrote the mail room supervisor here on Polunsky and asked her to give
a full disclosure of what will be considered "colored paper," as rules
are often left to a unit's own interpretation. She wrote back saying
that she was not going to allow us to write on anything but white
paper. Period. Furthermore she was not going to allow letters that
come in from the outside that are written or printed on colored paper.
So…for those that do write to guys on Polunsky Unit or any other
prison unit, after October 1st do not send us anything written on
colored paper or the letter will be denied. This is important to
remember.
I do feel this is a very broad and unfair interpretation of the
Administrative Policy that was put into place by TDCJ, so I'm asking
everyone who does have contact with inmates within this system to
write letters and even to start a petition in protest of such
extremism. The rule is not about "security." It's about control.
People can get dyes from the guards for crying out loud. I mean really
flood Huntsville with letters, telephone calls, on-line petitions.
Encourage those that you write to who are locked up to file a
grievance. It's the only way there'll be a chance to have this rule
tossed out. If this is allowed to slide by, as frivolous as paper
might seem, they will try to see what else they can take away. I
really believe that this is a test of how far they can take things.
Remember: October 1st, 2007.
I suppose on that note I shall end this entry for today.
Peace.
9/15/07
Good ol' Saturday. It's bright and sunny. Pretty hot, too. I don't
have recreation today, so I'm just lounging around my cell, listening
to the radio and catching up on writing. Very exciting stuff. Actually
I'm bored out of my ever loving mind.
I'm taking a day's rest today from exercising, but I'm so bored that
I'm considering hitting it anyway. Fun!
Peace.
9/16/07
What a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Some friends called into KDOL
and gave some very wonderful and cheerful messages. Sun is pouring
through my window and I've managed to stay busy all day long. In fact,
I'm beginning to wind down as I wait for dinner. Once I finish up I'll
start reading a Dean Koontz collection. I am not really a big fan of
hack writing. I think I've become a book snob and have to just enjoy
good ol' escapism writing the way it's meant to be enjoyed. Besides,
in my early teens I was a HUGE Koontz fan. Whenever I'd come home from
school I'd ask my mom to take me to a bookstore (man, I was a dork!).
CDs and books were the first things I wanted when I came back home
from Kentucky. Then I'd call up my best friend Chad and we'd catch up
on the latest movies.
Last night I heard a bunch of good music, but what surprised me the
most was hearing the full seven minute album version song of The
Cure's "Pictures of You" on that new station called "Jack." At first I
thought it would be a radio edit, which is like three minutes long,
but when the intro went on for almost two minutes, I was like, "Hell
yeah!" I never cared for the radio edit version because you have to
listen to that song in its entirety. It builds to a heart break as the
words tell a story of a guy looking back at a relationship… Then as
you're really caught up Robert Smith wails, "If only I'd thought of
the right words, I could've held onto your heart. If only I'd thought
of the right words, I wouldn't be breaking apart all my pictures of
you…" After the bridge the song goes into a second movement and it
just really kicks ass. It's a depressing song, but a beautiful song.
It was awesome to hear the full version. It'd been way too long.
Years, to be exact.
I also heard a bunch of new wave songs that I've never heard before,
and I thought I'd heard just about ALL new wave music. I love when I
hit music gold. You turn out the lights, lie on your bed and just get
lost in it and for a brief moment you forget you're in this god
forsaken place.
Dinner is here.
Peace.
|
9/27/07
First, I am so sorry there were no entries for last week, but I
think I threw them away. Sometimes I get so much junk I just begin to
chuck stuff and whenever that happens I always lose something. Once I
almost lost thirty $.41 stamps. Oy! So, this time I think I lost my
journals. Then this week for the most part I've been dealing with a
tooth ache that has made it impossible to do anything. This morning I
was feeling better. Right now as I type this I'm waiting for my friend
from Germany who posts my journals to visit. I'm not exactly sure when
he'll arrive, but I'm ready and anxious. I'm so grateful for all he's
done and I can't wait to tell him. I can only hope that I make a good
impression on him.
Hey, time for a visit…
Wow…it's afternoon now and I'm still emotionally high from such a
great visit…There was a complete surprise and it blew me away, but
Josef made it possible and I cannot thank him enough. Right now, I
can't go into details, but soon there will be pictures that should be
self explanatory. All I can say is that I haven't had a late birthday
as good as this in many, many years. I mean, my heart is filled with
so much love and hope right now. I just want to pour it out…In time.
Meeting Josef was wonderful. Such a calm, kind and compassionate man.
Really amazing. I don't know why I've been blessed to have the people
I do in my life, but they've had such a huge impact on who I've become
over the past few years, I can't even begin to describe it. I still
don't know what my personal journey in life is or where it will take
me, but things are starting to show and reveal themselves…The feeling
is euphoric. Compassion and love are like a drug. I feel I've tapped
into something special here.
I'm so overloaded now. A visit like this will just knock you right off
your feet and now I want to take a nap. I'm really tired. I can't wait
until the pictures are posted.
Peace.
9/28/07
Another wonderful day! So much love, so much happiness…My day
started off at 6:00 A.M. I went outside and called my neighbor out to
play basketball. It was a cool and easy sunrise and I thought, surely,
I'm going to beat this guy's butt. Well, I didn't. I got stomped ten
games to two. What made it even worse is the guy was 50 years old!
Sheesh. I thought, well that's no way to start my day…Ha-ha.
I came in and showered and shaved, then shortly after was called to my
visit. Right before I went to my own booth, I saw Mike, one of my
co-defendants. He's the guy who dropped his appeals and is waiting to
be executed. It's a sad thing, but seeing him smiling and so full of
love and genuine peace was comforting. I hadn't seen him in two years,
so when I passed him he says, "It's a shame, such a good looking guy
and he cuts all his hair off…" I'm thinking, "Who is this?" And look
and say, "Mike! Hey, I can't help it. I'm going bald!" Then I tell
him, "I don't know how you're able to stay so strong." Before I got
pulled away he said, "I'm at peace. I'm ready…" I don't agree with
what he's doing, but I'm glad he's found peace.
So I go to my visit and we take many more photographs and have a
really good time. It's all about the love, giving and receiving it.
I came back and relaxed the rest of the afternoon. Long visits like
that can really be taxing because our contact with reality is so
limited. It's an emotional overload.
Outside of that I wanted to give an update on the paper rule. Due to
the outside pressure of family and friends, they've amended the rule.
We (inmates) will be allowed to use colored paper etc. until January
1st. Now, concerning people who write to us from outside, they will be
allowed to continue to write on colored paper. Those letters won't be
stopped. Also, inmates will be able to send cards and note cards that
are colored and have colored envelopes. So, it's all good and everyone
did a good job. My only comment concerning this is, and it's important
to think about: If all the people who got in such a tiff over the
paper would focus their complaints on the real, solid issues, what
just happened with TDCJ actually changing the rule would happen a lot
more with more pressing issues. Change can be had if everyone
pressures them. You have a voice. You just proved it.
On that note I shall bid thee ado. Good night. Blessings. And most of
all Love and Peace.
9/29/07
A beautiful Saturday. I'm just relaxing and enjoying the
afternoon, still reflecting on the past visits. So precious and
important to me. Something that my soul needed, not just as a
cleansing, but as an affirmation that our destinies are not set in
stone. That regardless of our situations whatever walks of life they
might be, we choose and can change our paths. God, the universe,
whatever it is, I believe is bendable and workable and we have to
realize who we are and what we can become. I have a drive and desire
now that I have not had in years-a revelation if you want to call it
that, and I know now more than ever that my life does not end with
this place or situation. More importantly, that love is the driving
force of all things positive in this life. It makes everything and
anything possible. The Beatles song, "Within You, Without You" comes
to mind.
So when I went to recreation I was able to talk to my Jewish buddy,
"Big Foot." We talked about a lot of great things and I went on and on
about how great my visits were. He's starting a new myspace page that
I hope to have a link to soon. He's very passionate about change just
as I am.
It's been so hot the past couple of days. I hope that fall gets here
soon. I'm ready for it. They've already passed out blankets, but
they're of no use yet :( That sucks. Ha-ha.
Well, I will just wait and wait and wait. Fall come on! What good is
listening to "It's the great pumpkin, Charlie Brown" if it's not cool?
Guess I'll close her for now. Peace everyone. Peace.
9/30/07
Geeze, as if this end of the month couldn't get any better, I was
able to make a very special phone call which was really great. And now
as I type this Josef just called into the radio program.
Wonderful…with these visits and with all the love I've experienced
over the past few days I couldn't keep the tears in anymore. It's just
an amazing wonderful thing. I just don't even have the words to
express anything right now. All I know and feel is that for everyone
who is fighting and everyone who has the heart and wonderful and
compassionate souls to love us guys who have been forgotten by much of
the world…change is coming. I know this.
Peace. |
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