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October 13, 2005
Today has been a very interesting day. I'm tired
and exhausted, because it's Yom Kippur and have not had anything to
eat since yesterday. It's a holiday, that Jewish (most anyways) people
fast and pray. Technically I shouldn't even be writing this as it
constitutes some for of work, but I've got so much junk on my head,
that I had to start writing.
My attorney came by today and dropped off a bunch
of documents, that I had never seen, and one included a transcript of
a recorded conversation with an ex-girl friend. Now, I've read some
pretty remarkable things in going through all of these legal things
and out of everything I've read about myself this is the most
unbelievable item. Out of everyone, who's warped and twisted my past,
it was her. I read the transcript thinking, "Huh?" I don't know what
it is about people, when they look back on their lives they tend to be
melodramatic add things onto their lives. I mean getting a few things
confused is understandable, and the mind tends to fill in the blanks
or can be influenced by suggestion, but Theresa's account of my life
was like some crazy Mad Lib for the mind. You know those books,
where they tell you to add an adverb here or an adjective there. Now
we need a really good noun… And we have Randy's past! Because of this
I've decided to reflect on that particular portion of my life and our
relationship and clear up a few things. So I will be writing her an
open letter. Now, the chances of her, actually even knowing this site
exists, is like one in six billion, but I have to set the record
straight, so that I can have some sort of closure on all of this. Bear
with me for a little bit…
Dear Theresa!
Hello, I'm writing this letter so that I can
clear up a bunch of stuff. No, not because I'm some nut, who can't let
go of the past. I have let go of that past, but of course I haven't
quite forgotten either. One thing we never really had I closure on
things and maybe by me doing this I can finally put to rest that
little itch, that has always bothered me. I mean, it had subsided for
a bit and then I read this crazy transcript of you and an investigator
talking about what you remembered about me, and it just dumbfounded
the heck out of me.
I mean, after getting past the "Wow"factor I thought, "Oh man, she was
willing to help the state kill me." Had I really scarred you so bad,
that this was some sort of back lash? Like, "This is pay backs. I'll
show him!"?
Now, I'm not so ego centric to believe, that my
lies and stupidity had that much of an effect on you, but reading this
did make me feel horrible inside about all of my stupidity and lies
and betrayal. I wish saying "sorry" was enough.
I truly do.
I could never fully understand, why I lied so
much, because I had so much going on in my head, on the inside that I
really I was always so confused. You would ask me, why all of the
time, and I would say, I don't know - and as ironic as this must
sound, that was the truth. I didn't know.
Someone once told me that moving on was better
than self reflection, but without self reflection we would never
understand, who we are or what we could become. We can't learn to
love ourselves without self reflection. We wouldn't identify our
personal problems without self reflection. We just can't be
without self reflection.
I've had nothing but time to reflect on my past.
Did I always play the pity card? Most of the
time, yes, I did. Did I want attention? To be babied? All true. Did I
lie and manipulate to achieve those things? Yes. It was wrong and it
ended up hurting people and led to betrayal but no one ever stopped to
ask me why. Even if I had been asked I wouldn't have known until a few
years ago, but I think I could've pin pointed or identified the
problem and that was fear. Fear of abandonment. My fear of absolute
loneliness. Fear.
It's funny, because the investigator was telling
you, that in my trial I would use some sort of bull about how I was
abused as a child and abandoned, things like that. I thought, "I
guess, she forgot about the scar on my wrist. I guess, she forgot how
I was adopted. How I was bounced around from foster home to foster
home; how I told you about how my final foster home, before Wesley and
I were adopted, had wanted Wesley for a son but not me. Yeah, I know -
boo hoo. I'm just trying to show you a pattern of things. Or how about
sending your fourteen year old kid, who has up to this point never
been a problem except for grades off to Kentucky and having that kid
see it as a variation of 'let's push him off on someone else'. Even
worse when I wrote a stupid love poem on a bench to you and having it
misinterpreted as a suicide note and having the school think you're
suicidal… Instead of offering you help - a supposedly Christian school
for troubled teens - telling you, they can't deal with a suicidal kid.
Then my very own parents say, "Well, you can go any where in the
U.S.A. except home or where your girlfriend lives." Gee, mom and dad,
how considerate of you.
I lied because I was always afraid. I told my
wife very early on in our relationship, that we had to be honest with
each other and that I wouldn't lie. That, when I got scared, I would
let her know and not do something drastic as my impulse is always to
do. She's healed and understood me more than any one.
The stupid cancer lie came from when I knew Amy
was pulling away from me and starting to see that James guy more and
because I had given her my virginity. I had some sort of emotional
pulling to her and I didn't want to lose her. So, I thought, "How do I
get Amy to stay with me?" And then that health fair thing came, and,
well, it came out. When we started going out I was truly going to come
clean about it, but then I thought, "Yeah, but if I tell her, she's
going to get pissed and break up with me." And I wanted us to go
somewhere, because I had liked you for so long. Remember you said, you
weren't sure if we should go out, because we had such an awesome
friendship, that you didn't want to ruin that if we broke up? It was
all another fear.
I remember telling Jason Kuhns I had lied to
you, because he confronted me about it before you. I said, "Man, what
the hell did I do?" I felt horrible about it. That's why I broke down
and cried. It wasn't an act. I even apologized for your mom. You said
I didn't even have to, but I felt the need to. I thought, this was
going to be it. I'll stop here. I won't lie anymore. But I did. I
couldn't stop. It was like a run away train.
The songs I said I wrote, but you discovered
were from a CD? You were such an awesome writer and you were on this
"I-only-mess-with-intellectuals"-kick, that I felt inferior. Not only
to you, but Jason also. You guys were wining competitions. All I could
do was play the piano and compose music. I didn't think I was a
writer. I felt, my lyrics and poems were stupid. I just wanted to
impress you. As childish and stupid as that sounds, it's the truth.
When I was serious and thought provoking I felt
no one cared. I was this so called good looking guy who was silly. I
was "Randy", and I didn't like being Randy. Maybe being just Randy
wasn't bad in hind sight, but I was at that awkward stage in life,
where I wanted to be so much more. I wanted you to be impressed. The
same goes for my drivers license. A stupid little lie. I was so afraid
of being myself. Everyone like Randy but me.
As for other things like "Breaking into your
house" I didn't go through your room. Your window had bars on it. You
told me how to get into the house ever I needed to. Yeah, I probably
needed to tell you how, but when I put that note on your bed. It was
just an impulsive act and trying to be romantic. I never knew your dad
would've gone in there and snooped around. I thought you would come
home and find this cute romantic letter on your bed and it would make
you smile. There was no malicious intent in that. I didn't touch a
single thing in your house. I didn't even snoop around your room. I
put the note on your pillow and stuck I few "I love you"s around the
room, but that was it. Remember - when your parents found out I said I
had to go back to Lexington. You talked me into staying there for a
couple more days.
You know, our defence tactic was never to put
the blame on you for my problems. What did that guy say? Alibi? But I
couldn't help but feel a little betrayed by you and that you were
being a hypocrite when you said we only used LSD once together and
that you weren't really into drugs at that point. Huh?
I'm not going to turn this into an expose of all you did or we did,
but we did LSD together at least four times. Cough syrup? Weed? How
about the time you and Courtney snuck off to the bathroom during some
concert with Ritalin? But you know, honestly had I not been trying to
impress you and Jim and all those people, I probably would've never
tried drugs. In fact. I remember getting into it with you once early
on and you came into the grill high and I was like, "What's next?" and
you smarted off with something like, "Cocaine". I got so mad I
left the grill and then Jason had to get us back down there together.
I could've said yes or no on drugs and I liked the yes better.
How in the world were you even able to remember
Bob? I had honestly forgotten about that stupid little stick figure. I
was reading this and thinking, "What in the world is she talking
about?" And then I remembered Bob. But c'mon, Theresa, Bob was never
violent or said violent things or threatened you. Bob was a silly
little character that I was just trying to use to be cute. I do
remember telling you one day, "Bob's dead" and I never drew Bob again.
I can't remember the reason why I decided to never do Bob again. I
remember x-ing out his face on my back pack. But the reasons are just
lost on me.
But seriously, I had never threatened you or used that little
character as some sort of way to say what's really on my mind. I've
never threatened or verbally or physically hurt a woman. Never. The
incident you used with Amy… I pushed the table, not threw it, and I
was upset. She was cheating on me and breaking up with me. Wouldn't
any teenager be a little mad? I didn't stalk her. I wanted to talk to
her and get some things cleared up. I was just trying hopefully get
another chance. I did the exact opposite with you and write you a note
saying I wouldn't be carrying your bags any more or getting you tea,
and you blew up on me! I tried to give you space, and you just went
off on me. It's like, Jesus, I can't do anything right. You went off
on me for telling people, we split…
Which leads to the biggest whopper you told in this. And I know, not a
single fact is wrong about this, because it was the day OJ Simpson was
found not guilty, and I can remember everything. It was wet and rainy.
A little cold. You were wearing a white, My white button up shirt and
blue jeans.
I was at your house, but then left, because your
mom was coming home. You were a little tired and wanted to take a nap
too. As I was cutting across that little strip mall I ran right into
your mom. I was like, "Uh oh." So I ran to the Kinkos and used the
phone inside to give you a heads up to let your mom knew I was around.
Later that day I called you. First I was
stunned, OJ was found not guilty. I watched the verdict at this little
antique shop around the corner from your home. I said something like,
"Can you believe that?", and you were a bit snippy, like, "Well, the
Jury found him not guilty, so he's not guilty." (Isn't life full of
such irony?) So we agreed to go to the mall, because you wanted to
show me the red dress you were wearing to the Year Book pageant. We
checked it out and ate at Chick Filet and as we talked the
conversation started getting strange and you were trying to fish the
lie about the drivers license out.
We then went to some department store. You were
doing your thing, and I was walking around doing my thing, and I
realized we'd probably miss the bus so I found you checking out some
hats. I was already frustrated, because you were acting so strange and
distant, so I snapped my fingers at you - bad mistake. You stormed out
of the store, and I go chasing after you. On top of that, the bus, we
were supposed to catch, was already taking off, so you kept walking
and I'm like, "What the hell!?" It's like a mile walk back your house,
it's cold and it's raining! I run after you and remember grabbing your
arm and telling you to stop. You yell something like, "You don't have
a license!" At first I'm confused like, 'What is she talking about?' -
and then I realize… Busted on another lie. You say, "It's over, Randy.
I told you one more time. I even gave you a chance to tell me about
the license."
This is where I want to clarify something you
told the prosecutors. Everything you said about this falling out, was
true EXCEPT where you say, I held you out into traffic and said, "Die,
Bitch!" What? Come again? What LifeTime movie did you get that from,
Theresa? It hurt me to the core that you would say I did something
like that. When besides of my stupidity I had been nothing but gentle
and loving. I would've never even threatened you, Theresa.
You went home, and I walked around crying in the
rain. Jim came out a bit later and was like, "What's going on?", and
then, "Dude, you've gotta stop lying to my sister…" Now, had I
threatened you - you would've not hesitated to tell Jim, and Jim
would've come out with a vengeance. We talked a bit, and he went back
home. At that point I thought, I'm just going to call the Kernels and
have them come and pick me up and take me back to my Apartment in
Lexington. That's when you come walking around the corner of the
Taylor's Drug Store and are like, "What are you doing?" I say, "I'm
trying to get someone to take me back to Lexington." Then you tell me,
I'm selfish and don't think about others, when I want to get something
done or something like that. You walk off again, and I don't see you
until I turn around the corner and see you sitting on this long white
bench. I sit down next to you expecting you to get up or say
something, but you don't. I ramble on about how I'm sorry, it was an
old lie, I forgot about it… You grab my hand, and we get up and start
walking back to your place. Then we stop and sit on some steps at a
house, I think. "This is the last time, Randy. No more!" you say. I
lean in and kiss you. Then you pull out this lighter to warm my hands.
Had I just threatened your life, I don't think we would've kissed the
way we were.
I guess I'm confused as to why you would make up
such a thing. Were lies and stupidity enough for you to want to kill
me? I mean, you realized my life was at stake, right?
You have to know that I would've never hurt you,
right? I wouldn't nor couldn't! Remember the time at school you and
Jim were fighting, and he came up and yanked real hard on your back
pack. I pushed him away and said, "You're not going to hit your
sister!" He got mad, because I was taking sides, but I protected you,
Theresa. Just like I would've done for Jim and my brother or anyone I
cared about and loved.
I rack my brain trying to figure out, why you
would say such a thing. Then I think about the time in one of our last
conversations you blamed me for breaking your Mom and Step Dad up, the
psychiatrist Professor guy. Was that what it was? Was it the FBI
escort out of the day care center you talked about in your interview?
Was it lies and betrayal? I mean, I guess I will probably never know.
The Nader's cam corder. How stupid could I be?
The thing that caused the final irreversible fissure in even the hope
of just being friends. I did it, because I needed money. I never sold
it. I put it on loan with the intentions of getting back to Lexington,
getting the money and coming back to Louisville and returning it. It
was one of those impulsive things I'm famous for that had I not only
taken a few minutes to think about, I would've never done. You know, I
never said, "Get Theresa to talk to me and I'll return it." l called
Jason and Jim up, because you were off doing something. Jim comes on
the phone and says, "Did you steal that cam corder?" I paused for a
minute trying to think up a lie, but couldn't get it out, so I said,
"Yeah, I stole it." "Get it back, Randy!" is all he said, but his
voice was so - l knew he was mad and disappointed in me, because we
were so close, like brothers. Later that night I call up Mrs. Nader
and tell her, yeah I stole it. We talked, and she asked, where I
pawned it, can I get it back. I said I would, when I got money, but
every time I had money, it just went on drugs, because I was pretty
much doing LSD every other day and a lot of ecstasy. So, it was an
empty promise. All I said was, "Could you please tell Theresa, I want
to talk to her and I'm sorry. I never tried to hold it over her
head."
As for getting some phone call from me in jail…
Honest to God, that wasn't me! I never called you. I spent all of my
time talking to my girlfriend in Ft. Worth. All I can think of is my
cell mate got a hold of my addresses and phone numbers. I still had
some pictures of you and us, and I would tell him about you and
school. So I'm thinking he stole the number and tried to impersonate
me. I mean, seriously, I have a very distinct voice. There would not
be a doubt, if I called, if it was me or not.
Let me see, what else? Oh yeah, that
investigator guy said, he was holding a drawing of Bob, and I was
still drawing him. That wasn't Bob. It was a comic strip character
called "Hanky Panky". You won't understand the joke, but it was an
inside joke, that I had with some guys in prison about how some were
chronic masturbators. Hanky Panky would do it to just about anything
with two legs or more. That's what he was looking at. At some point I
stopped doing the joke and turned Hanky Panky into a musician, and any
drawing of him he would've been playing guitar or keyboards… Just
little doodles. It wasn't Bob. Bob was a stick figure. Hanky Panky was
a person, pants shirt chain wallet, wild hair… Just so you don't think
I'm still drawing stupid characters. These days, all I draw is little
bears for my wife. I guess I'm still a kid at heart.
All I'm trying to say is, I'm truly sorry for
screwing up a large portion of your life. I'm sorry for my lies and
any harm I caused you by them. If only you knew, how sorry I am to
everyone. Not sorry out of what it's all lead to with me being on
death row, but because I really do have true remorse. You don't know
how much I beat myself up over things in my past. But I do think I
have grown tremendously as a person, and I do understand a lot more
about myself now than I ever have.
Oh, that ring? It was real. I didn't lie, when I
said, I pawned my keyboard for it. It was the only way I could buy the
darn thing.
I hope your life is becoming all you want it to
be. I really do. I'm sorry for the wasted time on me. What would've
happened, if I would've chosen Angie Brown over you? Remember the book
One? It's my favorite book now, because I often think about,
what, if I would've taken another road… I can only hope, that the
Randy in another universe got it right.
Randy |