Randy's Journal (October 2007)
Note to readers of these entries: There are many
grammatical, punctuation and typing errors. It would be incredibly time
consuming to go through each entry and correct the mistakes, so I ask
that the reader please forgive me of these errors. Each entry goes
through several hands in the process of getting my words from death row
to your computer screen in a timely fashion. Thank you for your
patience. I hope you will enjoy my writings.
10/1/07
Today I am just emotionally worn out form all the excitement of
the last four days. I thought I'd be all right, but at times it just
can wear you down. It's really wild when you can see and feel the
psychological effects of being isolated in a single cell environment
going on almost seven years now. I don't think a single soul back here
is "perfectly fine." If they say that, they are liars or in denial.
I was going to go to recreation today, but I knew I'd be receiving a
phone call on KDOL and it always bugs the hell out of me when guys who
have their friends or loved ones call in don't ever listen, so as luck
would have it the guards decide to start on the other end of the row
of cells for recreation, which would put me out last and around seven
or eight at night so I just stayed in. Oh well. It seems they never do
that when I'm going out at six in the morning. Ha-ha.
Something did happen at dinner that I thought was kind of oddly funny,
I guess for my weird sense of humor anyway… I'm a huge lover of
sauerkraut. When I ate meat I'd ate it with anything. So for dinner on
the normal trays they were having hot dogs, baked beans, sauerkraut
and mustard/relish. I was happy that I got two servings of the kraut.
As I'm eating it and working my way to the bottom of the tray there is
half a hot dog. I don't know why I said it, but I told the guard as he
passed by my cell, "Hey, since when did they start giving the
vegetarians Cracker Jack prizes in their food?" I showed him and I
couldn't stop laughing. I think he thought I must've lost my mind. I
thought it was funny anyway. I mean, I haven't had a box of Cracker
Jacks in probably 15 to 16 years and that reference came out of
nowhere.
Well, time to listen to the wonderful PBS documentary "The War."
Peace.
10/2/07
My neighbor has to be one of the best basketball players on death
row. We went out again today and he demolished me 20 games to 2.
Definitely not pretty. I mean, we were neck and neck almost every
game, but he never missed a shot, so if and when I missed I'd have to
run my ass off and try to get two in to make up for it. It was a
slaughter…
I've spent most of the day reading a book called God's Harvard about a
college that trains its students to be warriors for Christ and to take
the country back…
It's bringing back all of these wacky memories from going to school in
Kentucky. I mean, there were some teachers with exactly same views,
and the rules concerning music and the dress code were identical.
What's really striking about some of the views expressed in this book
are how they are so similar with the views ideologically of, say,
extreme Islam. What I mean is here we are bashing these views and you
have people on the right who always are saying, "Well, in Islam women
don't have rights etc…" Yet in evangelical Christianity the woman must
submit to the man, women can't wear what they want to wear, etc…
What's the difference? I was telling someone that the only reason some
of these folks haven't gone around blowing things up (though some
have, like abortion clinics…) is because it's not acceptable in our
society. However, if a large group of people said, "Well, it's okay to
blow things up in the name of your religion…" Trust me, some of them
would be.
Which leads me to something else… Tonight I received an article
talking about how the Supreme Court was going to hear arguments about
the unconstitutionality of the lethal injection method of the death
penalty. The article was taken from USA Today and I guess on their
website you can leave comments for or against the matter. So there are
two comments that struck out and were just ignorant. One comments
said, "Death penalty is not for the poor…it is for murderers and those
that cannot live in a civil society." Okay, first, civil societies
don't execute their citizens. The U.S. is the ONLY "civil" society
that still does. Canada? Nope. Europe? Nope. England? Nope. Secondly,
to say that the death penalty is not for the poor loses the point
altogether. A poor person is less likely to receive a fair and proper
trial as opposed to someone who can pay for good representation. If
you don't believe that every citizen of this country should receive a
fair trial then you, my friend, don not believe in our Constitution
and therefore are a traitor to this country and qualify for the death
penalty. (I'm being ironic, of course…) I suppose according to the guy
who wrote that comment all of those monks that were gunned down in
Burma for calling on their government for freedom deserved to be
beaten and shot down because they defied their leaders. Point is, if
you say you want to live by the sword, then surely you should expect
to die by the sword. As long as the death penalty exists in the U.S.
any citizen in this country could very well be put down by the system
that they believe in… Don't think for one second it's not possible,
because inno-cents are killed all the time.
Whew… went on a little rant there, didn't I. So sorry!
Wonderful! Mail just came and I received copies of the photos taken
during my wonderful visit last week. They came out great and make me
smile. I have to pick out a few to get more copies made and send them
to friends.
Peace.
10/3/07
Geeze, this week is already shooting by. Today is a no recreation
day and I'm trying to get motivated to do something. It's pretty hot
and I'm in a corner cell that has two walls that face the sun, so I'm
cooking. Fall needs to come on in.
I'm going to sound like a dork, but I'm looking forward to Kid Nation
tonight on CBS. I've listened to every episode and it's surprisingly
good. The kids haven't gone "lord of the flies" yet and I'm really
surprised at how they are all working together so well. There are a
few spoiled brats, but my favorite kid is this girl who stood up for
the chickens last week. A complete 10 year old little activist! They
had a choice to kill and eat the chickens in their town or not. The
kids took a vote and decided to eat them, so the girl locked herself
in the chicken coup to keep the other kids from killing them! I was
really proud of her. Ultimately she lost and was forced to come out,
but after they killed the two chickens she did it again and made them
promise not to kill anymore. Well, now there's some drama because at
the end of each episode they vote and award a kid who works the
hardest a $20,000 gold star, and this kid Greg had been working hard
solely to win the money. There was another kid who genuinely won the
money and deserved it, so Greg was pissed and at the end of the
episode vowed that those who voted against him would pay… I really am
a dork! Ha-ha.
Not much else going on around here. I'll probably finish the rest of
the book I started reading yesterday and get caught up on some mail.
Peace. |
10/4/07
I think my cell is haunted! I really don't believe in ghosts, but
ever since I've been in this cell strange things have been happening.
I'm on a pod where there have been a few suicides over the years so…
Last night as I was falling asleep I hear two sharp raps on my door
(yes, I use the word 'rap' in respect to Edgar Allen Poe. At least I
didn't say, "Chamber door…"). I was just on the edge of sleep where
you feel like you are floating and I shot awake thinking maybe a guard
was at my door. I get out of bed and look out my door and there's no
one on the run. I think that maybe my mind was creating sounds so I
crawl back into bed. A few minutes later my t-shirt hanging on my
clothes line falls down. At this point I'm a little spooked. Shortly
after that I feel something pinch my skin a little bit. It was a very
strange series of events. I tossed and turned the rest of the night.
It's been a relatively uneventful day.
Peace.
10/5/07
I went outside today and once again was beat down in basketball by
my neighbor. I told him it was no fun playing anymore… I was kidding,
of course. Earlier this morning I received the companion book to the
PBS documentary "The War." I plan on starting the book tonight. I was
flipping through the book and it is really dense, quite a bit more
than I expected out of a companion book, but the pictures are really
something… Some are pretty gruesome, but that sadly is war. I do
believe that World War II was a necessary war, it's just sad that the
world failed to learn it's lessons from that event and there is still
death and destruction, genocide, greed…
If the World War II book gets too heavy, I can always pick up the last
book in the Harry Potter series, which has finally landed in my hot
little hands. I really hope it's not a disappointing ending. Other
guys who have read it back here have tried to give me hints and
spoilers, but I immediately begin to yell, "I don't want to hear it
lalalalalalala!!!!" We shall see.
It's a lame holiday weekend which translates to long and boring. I
hope I'll stay occupied.
Peace.
10/6/07
So I began the book The War and I cannot put it down. It's a
thousand times better than even the documentary. The narrative is
intense and it flows, but rather than just reading something and have
vague images flash through your mind you actually see the battles as
they play out. I've never read a historical book (other than that
historical fiction) that puts an event so clear and focused in the
mind. It's odd because as I'm reading it I feel like I'm actually
there. Even when the book steps away from the front lines and back
into 'everyday normal life' back in Mobile or Waterbury in the U.S.
I knew I would end up spending all of my weekend on this book, so I
took my writing supplies out to the day room at six in the morning and
during my recreation wrote a few letters.
It's been grey and raining all day today, but it gives atmosphere to
the book. Right now the allied forces are gearing up to invade the
beaches of Normandy…
Peace.
10/7/07
Just a hundred pages to go. I really didn't want to stop, but I
had to catch up on my chores. Clean my cell, do laundry, and listen to
KDOL. I had some dreams last night about the war… It was crazy. This
book has consumed my whole weekend. It officially goes into my top
ten.
It's still grey outside, but warm and humid. I wish we could have some
normal autumn weather…
Peace.
10/8/07
It's Columbus Day today. I didn't think they would run visits or
mail but I just saw some guys go out to visit and the mail room ladies
were hear earlier.
I finished The War last night and was really impressed. I took it out
to recreation today and gave it to one of my friends, "Big Foot." I
know that he'll enjoy it and I asked him to share it with those he
knows would also read it. I wish I could donate it to the library, as
that is a very important book, but oddly enough they won't accept most
donations from inmates. Well, I think they will, but what happens is
the prisoners who work in the library keep books they like for
themselves. Kind of a first dibs on the good books system.
A funny thing happened a little bit earlier. Big Foot was in our
dayroom and there were about four or five of us having a sort of
roundtable debate on the death penalty and such, and then it drifted
into politics and about George Bush. Now, for the stranger who walks
into a prison they probably have a preconceived notion that we are all
uneducated dumb ass criminals. So, as we're all talking a small group
of about three women and four men all dressed up in business attire
come strolling onto our pod. They stop in front of our dayroom while a
bunch of prisoners are talking about politics. I swear you could see a
wave of puzzlement wash over their faces and then one of the men
leaned to another man and began to whisper. They all looked stunned. I
love it when things like that happen, because I think when groups such
as that walk into death row among the so called "worst of the worst"
they expect (as even I once did) us all to be raging men and foaming
at the mouth. Anything that defies that stereotype is one more victory
for us.
Whoohoo! They are actually passing out mail right now. Guess I'll
close here.
Peace.
10/9/07
Yes, my cell is haunted… It happened again early in the morning. I
usually don't get up for breakfast, but for whatever reason I crawled
out of bed and decided to get the biscuits and cereal. I also got a
cup of coffee. I quickly scarfed everything down, but didn't drink the
coffee. Instead I just let it sit on my desk. I fell back asleep when
at about 4:45 A.M. I hear a loud, "Splash! Clank clank!" and I feel
something on my arm. I think my arm is wet…and I realize the cup was
knocked off of my table. I jump out of bed and begin to wipe
everything up and there is coffee everywhere, on my papers, my Harry
Potter book, on my typewriter, my sheets. I get everything cleaned up
(some stuff was ruined) and I start to think that maybe I hit the
table with my arm, I didn't feel myself smack into anything and with
the force that the cup was sent flying I surely would have felt
something! So I told the ghost in my cell, "Dude, chill out! I'll only
be here two more freaking days!" and fell back to sleep. I'm only half
kidding.
Today is an outside day and I plan on going outside and playing some
ball. I'm determined not to get beat down. We shall see.
Not much to report around here. I'm trying to stay busy.
Peace. |
10/10/07
It's Wednesday afternoon and it's been relatively uneventful. I
was moved last night and I like the cell that I am in, but I didn't
like it at first. For some reason they're been moving me into cells
right after a mentally ill person has previously lived in it and I'm
left to clean up the mess. This cell smelled like urine and was just
filthy. It's all okay now though.
I wish I had something to write about, but it's been so slow recently
and I haven't been in much of a writing mood… At least the sun is out
and it finally has cooled off a fraction.
Peace.
10/11/07
Today feels exactly the same as yesterday. Exciting, huh?
Peace.
10/12/07
Today was kind of odd. I woke up at six in the morning for
recreation, but because guys have been getting busted with cell
phones, etc. they've been doing these surprise shakedowns each
morning. They hit when everyone is sleeping to catch them off guard.
About 10-15 guards swarm in like mad bees and start pulling inmates
from their cells. So, they did this to A-section and that delayed
recreation. I ended up going out at 9:00 A.M.
When I was outside they put out a guy with me who I had gotten into it
about eight months ago. See, this dude had been masturbating in the
dayroom and I found that very disrespectful. He and his lover were
doing it to each other, one from the cell and one standing across from
the door. When I went to look out of my door I was like, "Oh, shit!"
and went and sat back down on my bed. When they were done I got up and
told the guy he was disrespectful and disgusting. That spread like
wild fire and suddenly I had been the one who "outed" that he was gay.
Now, I could care less if he's gay. I was only upset that he did his
business out in the open and where others recreate.
So I'm outside and here he comes. He looks at me with this, "You…"
expression and I smirk at him. First he starts to cuss me out, but I
don't fee like getting into a shouting match with him and when he
stops I say, "Well, regardless of how you feel, what you did was
pretty disrespectful and I'm the only one who told you to your face. I
haven't been bashing you or anything like that. Just keep it in your
cell. That's gross, dude. Whether you're gay is not my business. Only
you can say, but if you are you shouldn't be ashamed. I wasn't trying
to make you look bad. If I did, I apologize. I just wanted you to know
that what you did out in the open was wrong." He says, "Well, it's
still fucked up." "Maybe," I said, "but you have to think about other
people. If I put my hands on the bars I don't want to have to wonder
if somebody's love juice is all over it. Know what I mean?"
We talked back and forth for a bit and he calmed down and said he
didn't care if people knew he was gay or not. I said that was good. Be
yourself. Stop trying to be someone you're not. You'll find life a lot
easier. After that we got along fine.
That was today in a nutshell. Odd.
Peace.
10/13/07
It's Saturday evening and I'm about to get back into Harry Potter.
Yes, I know, I'm a dork, but the book and series are good and I don't
care. Ha! Earlier I made some tuna tacos for my neighbor's birthday.
We enjoyed them. I liked doing something for him, too. He doesn't have
a lot of support so to bring him a decent birthday made me feel good.
I told him that whenever we go to the store that I'd get him an ice
cream, too. He's only 19 and I feel bad because that's just too damn
young to be on death row. I don't see how a jury can say that a person
that young is beyond rehabilitation. Nuts.
I can't wait for Austin City Limits to come on in a bit. Tonight is
the band Explosions in the Sky. Woohoo! I know it's going to be good.
Not much else has been going on today. It's been pretty laid back.
Peace.
10/14/07
I just finished listening to the radio show called "This American
Life." Today the program was about rehabilitation in prison and a
particular program in St. Louis that allows prisoners to put on plays
by Shakespeare. It was very moving. By acting and reading the plays
they learn about themselves and identify with the characters in the
play or plays. The success rate of these inmates was about 100%. It
begs the question as to why more places aren't coming up with programs
such as these to educate and rehabilitate prisoners. I think the
country is slowly beginning to understand that locking guys up and
throwing away the keys is no longer an acceptable solution to the
problem.
It's really lovely outside. I'm once again in a cell where I can look
out and see horses. I bet they are loving this cool weather. Though
it's supposed to warm back up and storms are moving in. Mother Nature
is going through menopause. Crazy.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. I got a full night's sleep
and when I got up I just got to my daily duties. Now I'm fully caught
up and waiting for KDOL's program to start, though the reception is
messed up right now. It's not even coming in.
Today I should finish Harry Potter. Man, this book is violent… It's a
bloodbath! I wrote and told my girl that if it were made into a movie
I don't see how it could not be an "R." I like how the author knew how
to measure out the reader's who grew up with the book's maturity. I
mean, it makes sense that if you started reading this at 12 or 13 you
would be old enough to handle the book as it now is. Very smart.
Well, I'm just rambling about and wanted to type up something for
today.
Peace.
|
10/15/07
Well, that just sucks… It had been relatively nice outside when a
storm came from nowhere. Then the lightning kicked in and it became a
freakish light show. Things were fine with the reception on the radio
and I was jamming when all of a sudden I heard a loud, "ccccckkkkkkk!"
sound and the reception became very week. I checked my TV and that was
out completely. Others began to complain about much the same. Turns
out the main antenna for general population's TV and our radio signal
was japed and fried. Lord knows how long it will be until it gets
fixed. I mean, I can hear some stations but it's all pretty bad. Thank
God I like to read. Ha-ha.
That was pretty much our excitement for the day…
Peace.
10/16/07
The sun is finally out, but radio reception is out completely as
of now. General population is without TV so I don't imagine the
antenna being messed up for much longer. They have to keep those guys
pacified or they'll begin to have trouble.
I went outside early this morning and then was called out for an
attorney visit. I was told that I'll be returning to Dallas County,
where my trial was held, for a hearing in which one of my
co-defendants is going to testify that I was not a shooter. I don't
mind getting away from this place for a bit, but I'm not looking
forward to Dallas County. For the two years I waited for my trial they
would not let me recreate or do anything. I was searched three times a
day and anytime I left my cell I was fully shackled. Plus, they kept
me isolated from everyone else so I never knew what was going on. It
sucked and I ended up stressing out and such that I lost more than 45
pounds. I was down to 165, which I probably hadn't weighed since 7th
grade. Maybe now that time has passed and I've been here without
incident they'll ease up and it won't be so bad. My time frame is
anywhere from now to January so I'll keep you posted. Though, things
are looking good for now. I'm optimistic about everything.
Not much else is happening. I just finished reading the last Harry
Potter book and my neighbor has me a World War II book called D-Day,
which I'm about to get into. I'm fascinated by World War II after
reading and listening to "The War." Peace.
10/17/07
They fixed the main antenna today so everything is back to normal
with our radio reception. I was surprised it was fixed so fast, but I
think had it not been that general population was without TV and
therefore not pacified, they wouldn't have been so quick to fix it.
I've spent most of the day reading another WW2 book called D-Day. It's
about the invasion of Normandy, France. I'm just fascinated by the
sacrifice and everything that went down during that period. Very
powerful and moving stuff.
The sun is out and bright after a semi-stormy day. I will be going to
recreation a bit late today, which is a little irritating, but I need
to get out of this cell. I feel penned up. Well, that's probably
because I am!
I really don't have anything else to say or write about so I will
close here.
Peace.
10/18/07
The radio antenna has been fixed. Some guys actually cheered and
one guy began to scream, "My radio works!" The things we get excited
over back here. I finished reading D-Day. Talk about an intense book.
The battles on Omaha Beach seemed to be the worst. In one account, a
captain sees a soldier dazed and walking around on the beach as shells
and bullets are falling all around him. The captain sees that he's got
some kind of wire that would be useful so he yells to the soldier to
give him the wire. The solder casually replies, "I would, Sir, but
what will I do wit this?" and hands the captain his left arm! One guy
gets his chin blown off and he's running up the beach trying to hold
his jaw back on. War sucks. Though I do feel strongly the WW2 was one
of those necessary ones.
My next book is on music and the brain by Oliver Sachs. He writes
mainly about neurological issues and they tend to be very touching and
funny. It's not dry science or medical mumbo-jumbo. I enjoy reading
his books.
Peace.
10/19/07
The sun is out and it's a lovely day. I was supposed to go
outside, but if I had it would've been at night and I didn't really
feel like going out to recreation real late, so I asked the guards if
I could go to a dayroom. They put me in A-Dayroom and I spent it
talking about horror movies with a guy. It brought back a lot of
memories. See, as a kid and even as a teen my parents forbade us to
watch horror movies. I think it was mainly because when I was first
adopted I used to have a lot of nightmares and I remember that my
biological parents would always watch them with me in the room. I
still get memory flashes of seeing "Jaws" and "Halloween" and a few
others.
The first time I snuck around and watched a horror movie, I think I
was about 11 or 12. I wanted to hang out with my best friends Blake
and Chad. At first we were at Chad's house and then Blake said a
really good movie was coming on Cinemax. Chad didn't have Cinemax so
we went across the street to Blake's house. He put it on and a preview
for "The Gate" came on with the announcement, "Coming up next." I
looked at them and said, "Uh…I don't know…I'm not allowed to watch
horror movies." They looked at me like I was crazy and started to make
fun of me. "What are you, scared, Randy?" (I was, to be honest!) I
said, "No! But my parents will ground me if they find out!" I didn't
want to go home so I told them I would play outside until the movie
ended. They teased me some more and I went out to the front yard.
After about ten minutes I began to feel really stupid and so I went
back inside and joined them. The movie did freak me out, especially
one scene in which the kid opens his hand and there's an eyeball
staring back at him! I think a little pee might've come out. Ha-ha.
After that, though, I was hooked on scary movies. I just had to sneak
around to watch them.
When the HBO series "Tales from the Crypt" came on it was at the same
time my family would go swimming in the back yard and if it wasn't a
re-run I would skip swimming with them so I could sneak in and watch
it instead. I think my parents took it as being antisocial, but it
wasn't! I was just trying to keep up with the show 'cause my friends
who watched it would talk about it and I'd feel out of the loop.
Sadly, had I known my current predicament I would've definitely spent
the time with them instead. Hindsight doesn't do a lot of good in
situations like that.
Peace.
10/20/07
It's a really pretty and cool Saturday morning. They are passing
out lunch right now and I'm sitting here waiting to go to recreation.
I slept pretty well last night and got up with plenty of energy and
happiness.
When I return from recreation I will write more.
While I wait for recreation I've decided to write about this thing I
just heard on the radio. It was a re-broadcast of a radio show called
"Rula and Ryan's Roses." The premise is a guy or girl who thinks their
lover his cheating on them has Rula or Ryan call them up with a scam
for free Roses from an upstart flower company. They ask them who they
would like to send the roses to. Now, here is when it can get messy.
The accuser is listening in on the conversation. Sometimes the suspect
has the flowers sent to someone else, sometimes it's sent to their
boyfriend or girlfriend.
So, this lady calls in who is all but sure her husband is cheating on
her. She says, "He's been hiding his cell phone and every time he's on
the computer he turns it off if I walk near him or ask what he's
doing…" and so forth. So, the radio calls this guy up and gives him
the scam. "Where do you want these flowers sent?" Rula asks and the
suspect says, "I would love to send these to my wife because our five
year anniversary is coming up and it would be perfect…" Of course now
they have to tell him it's a scam even though he passed the test, so
they bring in the wife and she is still accusing him! She says, "Well,
why are hiding things from me? He tells her he doesn't want to get
into it over the radio, but she keeps pushing and the DJ's are
encouraging her too. Finally he says, "All I wanted to do is surprise…
All those phone calls, the computer… everything… I've been trying to
set up a surprise honeymoon for the same place and the same room that
we had after our wedding." Silence. Then the wife says, "Uh…I feel
really stupid. I'm so sorry." But now the guy feels exposed and he is
pissed about her doing this live on the air. It was crazy.
I just got back from recreation. I picked up a horror book that looks
to be very good. I can't wait to start it up here in a bit. Right now
I'm listening to some crazy movie on the radio. It has Cameron Diaz.
It's pretty strange. Hope you have a good evening.
Peace.
10/21/07
Today has been a busy day for me. I've been typing all day long
and I'm just now on my last item-this journal. I'll be glad to finish
'cause I really want to get back into this book called City Infernal.
It's kind of a rip off of Neil Gaiman's NeverWhere, but it has some
Clive Barker elements in the shock of its horror. I'm enjoying it,
though. It's written well.
Last night I heard on the news (CBS 11 out of Houston) that they are
tying to get people riled up that prisoners, especially death row
prisoners, have blogs or journals online. They had the every-hungry
media whore Andy Kahan on it. He's the guy who acts all self righteous
and loves to put prisoners down and speak up for victims, even when
many families have said they do not want this guy as a mouthpiece for
them. The guy is pretty miserable and full of it. I have to say that I
am 100% full of empathy for any victim, but that being said I feel
that I should be able to write about life here and contest the
stereotypical image and judgments of guys back here. Not only that,
but I agree with what Ray Hill said during the news segment. In light
of so many people being exonerated and such, without these websites,
blogs and journals those who are fighting would have no way of getting
the truth out to the public, so it's essential in that regard. If
someone is fighting for their life, how many avenues are there? The
chances of getting a state appointed attorney that will do everything
they are supposed to do is so rare it's a shame. What else is there to
do?
That's what has my ire today.
I've been thinking about an odd phenomenon back here… I don't know if
there has been any study of this by psychiatrists, but I was talking
to my neighbor about many people who are natural extroverts becoming
introverts and vice versa. Even with myself, I'm a very private
person, yet I've put myself out there by doing this journal and trying
to get guys back here to get active in their own fight for saving
their lives. I know one guy that when he got here was miserable and
would not talk to anyone, yet, now he's probably one of the most
outgoing people I know. I've known guys who come in and are loud and
talk to everyone and then slowly shut down and become a shell of who
they were. It's odd. I'm thinking it has to do with this segregated
environment. It has to be psychological… Something else to think
about, I suppose.
Peace.
|
10/22/07
If you look out of my window you'll see the buildings damp with
rain. A light mist is coming down. It almost looks like the fuzz you
would see on a damaged television. Off in the distance and at an angle
from where I am you can see the horses out and about. A flock of white
herons is moving from patch of ground to patch of ground, pecking away
for something to eat.
Today is the first real day of fall we've had. I have to say it's
about 65 degrees right now and just a little past noon time. It's
supposed to get even cooler. I love it. I had to start writing this
early to take my mind off of Rush Limbaugh. He kind of pissed me off
bashing liberals. I very rarely listen to AM radio, as reception is
very weak during the daytime, but someone told me a simple way of
"boosting" the AM signal without doing anything severe to the radio
and without risking the guards taking it. I kind of questioned his
reliability in this, but as soon as I did it the AM jumped to life.
Amazing what you learn in this place. A place where they hold us down,
yet knowledge and experimentation can thrive. Anyway, I digress…
Something funny happened early this morning around 6:30 AM. I was
sleeping soundly (if not having a very strange dream) when all of a
sudden I heard a lot of commotion coming from out in the dayroom area.
At first I thought it was just a guy being loud at recreation. It
turns out he had been pulled out of his cell to be searched, but
refused to let the sergeant strip search him. He kept saying, "Nah,
man, you just want to see my ass!" So, they went and called the riot
team. Now, I don't like it when they gas and beat up a guy, but the
gas they sprayed at this guy didn't have the effect they wanted it to
have. He only sneezed and said, "Hey, I can't see, Homies!" After a
couple more bursts of gas he stripped out. Now, usually at this point
most people who would be sprayed would be coughing and gagging. Now
this guy! He stepped out of the day room after they handcuffed him and
was walking with a strut and said, "I knew it wouldn't be no fair
fight. That's the only reason I came out." Everyone was laughing so
hard. It was quite comic.
About this strange dream…I dreamt that a church group came to bring
everyone cookies back here, as every now and then a church group will
do. Though, it didn't stop there. All of a sudden I was given a full
bag of candy bars, then a huge bag filled with chips and all sorts of
other candies. It just kept coming, bag after bag. Then a guy pulled
out a CD player from a box and gave me that. Soon my cell was filled
with food and all sorts of other things like art supplies and paper
and such. They were doing this for every cell. I just found it very
strange, especially since it seemed so realistic.
I guess I'm going to spend the rest of the day listening to the radio
and reading.
Peace.
10/23/07
Man, today is just gorgeous. I went outside and it felt like an
early spring. There was a nice breeze and it wasn't too cold. Just
right. When I was out I ended up talking to a new guy who just arrived
on death row last night. Everyone on this section gave him food,
snacks, writing supplies and hygiene items. He was very surprised and
told me, "Death row is not what I expected." I told him how I was just
as shocked when I first arrived. I said that I had expected silence of
the lambs type stuff.
We went on to talk about the death penalty in general and I told him
that he could waste away his time back here and get caught up in the
negative aspects, or start fighting and working on his appeals. I
mentioned that I've seen some pretty miraculous stuff and that nothing
is final until the very end. Most important, I told him, was to try to
use this time to reflect on his life and make positive changes. The
jury said you couldn't change and therefore deserved to be killed.
Prove them wrong. I can only hope those words inspired him.
He did tell me something I found to be odd. During his sentencing
phase he said that the prosecutors used the "Texas 7" as one of the
reasons he should be killed. I asked how this was relative to his
case, and he said that they said a person with a lot of time or a life
sentence would have nothing to lose and would figure out a way to
escape and hurt or kill more people. I find it odd that the prosecutor
would not address why someone would feel hopeless in the first place.
I told the guy, regardless, they should not be allowed to use
something that doesn't pertain to him or his case against him.
Apparently this is standard and acceptable in a capital murder trial.
Anything to make a juror have fear.
10/24/07
Another beautiful day. I'm about to go to recreation and then I
have to get ready in case I get moved. There's not a lot to write
about today, as it's pretty average. Though, I'm sick and tired of
this vegetarian tray I get. I mean, sick and tired! For the past two
days I've had the same exact meal: black eyed peas, collard greens,
carrots and three slices of bread. Nothing else. That's it. So what do
I end up doing? Eating a bag of chips to counter that and screw up my
body. I'm just so tired of this. There's no healthy alternative.
Nothing this place sells or feeds us is healthy. It's all starch, fat,
bread and sugar. I'm sick of it.
What's so wild about it is that there's a growing trend of obesity and
diabetes in prison, and TDCJ can't cover the growing medical expenses
of guys who are locked up for life, yet who they are obligated by the
Constitution to take care of. Instead of offering healthy alternatives
it just continues to get worse. Craziness. I'm living in crazy town.
I just had to vent. Ha-ha.
Peace.
10/25/07
Once again, I thought I would be moved, but it didn't happen.
Tonight has to be the night.
It's been a slow day. I did hear that they're shipping a bunch of AD-SEG
(administrative segregation) inmates over here to the death row
building because they shut down AD-SEG on the Beto 1 Unit in Tennessee
Colony due to the serious staff shortage. They cleared out two death
row sections on F-Pod and moved those guys to empty cells on other
pods. I didn't know that the staff shortage was that bad, but then
again who wants to work in this hell hole and get paid what they get
paid? The bad part of it is that to fill the shortage they'll just
hire anyone and they'll be pretty bad guards. This is how abuse and
corruption sets in. Guess they'd rather deal with that that paying
them more.
Peace.
|
10/26/07
I'm just getting settled into my new cell. I'm on B-pod and right
underneath the haunted cell I lived in just a few weeks ago. I hope
the ghost doesn't decide to mess with me down here. In a way I was
glad to get moved even if I don't really care too much for this pod.
It's kind of decrepit. The cell is okay, though, there's air seeping
in from everywhere. It's quite chilly. Even the bottom vent, which is
supposed to suck air in, is blowing air out. I'm living in a
refrigerator.
Today was very nice, though. I ended up skipping recreation. Don't ask
me why, 'cause I really don't know myself. When I turned it down I
thought, why did I just do that? I think I'm going a little crazy.
On top of that, the more I think about returning to Dallas County for
my new hearing, the more I dread it. I was thinking it would be just
my luck to be stuck there over the holidays. That place put some
genuine fear in me. I can't even begin to describe what they did to us
emotionally, psychologically. Two and a half years of hell and
isolation. I lost forty freakin' pounds in that place. When I came to
Death Row, I was so skinny that people thought I was sick. One time I
wrote our judge to complain and my trial attorney told me not to do
that again, because it looked like I was whining and in light of the
bigger picture was bad for me. I thought to myself, I'm whining
because I can't get health care? I'm whining because they won't let me
leave my cell for recreation? I'm whining 'cause the guards are only
giving me half of a food tray to eat? Ugh. I hated that place. If it
weren't for a few true friends I probably would've lost my mind. So… I
dread going back.
It's getting late now and I have to get up early for recreation.
Peace.
10/27/07
A beautiful Saturday afternoon. It's a little cold, but I'm loving
this fall weather. I really am.
I just finished listening to KDOL broadcast the Anti Death Penalty
March that was held in Houston today. They had a few people attending
it and they were calling into KDOL and giving updates and such about
the march. One woman, who is a death row guy's mother, was front and
center in the action and close to the speakers so she held up her
phone and we heard several speeches. They were really inspiring. One
speaker who has a show on KPFT was talking about how one of the only
ways to really get the policy makers attention is by hitting them in
there pocket, which is something I've always believed. She suggested
not paying taxes for something she doesn't believe in or support.
Now…I'm not going to say for anyone to do that, but I do agree with
it. I also think that countries we do business with who do not have
capital punishment should refuse to do business with the U.S. until
it's abolished. You've gotta hit them in their pocket. It was really
good to be able to hear and I'm very thankful of KDOL for that.
Now it's later in the evening and I've been listening to various TV
stations to see if they would say anything about the success or turn
out of the march… Nothing. Not one single second was talked about.
Apparently there was an immigration march and also a gay pride march
today. I think that was bad timing for the anti dp march. But… I think
something like the death penalty should've taken precedence over those
other two marches. I'm not saying they weren't important as I believe
strongly in all of those issues, but death and murder by State is way
more important. It also goes to show that there is still a battle to
be fought and it shows that Houston doesn't give a damn about this
issue. Now I'm frustrated!
Peace.
10/28/07
Sunday morning. Man it got cold last night! I stayed up until 1:30
A.M. for non particular reason and then crashed out. When I got up I
was freezing. I had to block my vents up, because the air coming
through was like an artic blast. I should've exercised, but I don't
feel like taking a cold wash after that so I'm going to hold off until
I can get in the hot shower.
I keep thinking about how the holidays are rapidly approaching and I
need to get to E- Pod. It's the only place I can get good deals on art
work and such. I really need to get there. Eh, I'm thinking out loud.
Haha. Sorry!
Nothing to report about today. Just going to listen to KDOL and relax.
Peace.
|
10/29/07
It's a little after nine at night. I just finished listening to
the TV show "Heroes." Tonight's episode was pretty good. It had been
dragging the last two episodes, but it's getting some feet now. Right
before that I was listening to KDOL and got a really great phone call
and some absolutely adorable Halloween wishes. It was great. Very cute
and heart warming.
Today has been pretty boring. I was supposed to go to recreation at
six this morning and had gone to sleep early last night. I woke up
right at six and then a crew of guards showed up to do a surprise cell
search on another section and they had to put the other inmates in the
day rooms so I was pushed back until after eight in the morning, which
was fine by me. I just went back to sleep until eight. I got up and
went to recreation and I had planned on exercising until someone gave
me a cherry pie snack and that went out the window. I ate the cherry
pie snack in semi bliss and walked my fat ass around in circles in a
daze of cherry filling and sweet sugar dusted crust.
The rest of the day I pretty much lounged around and did nothing.
A short while ago I was told by someone that they spent six hours
reading my journals. At first I was surprised. It made me feel weird
for a second, but I was told that some of it made them laugh so I felt
a little bit better. I don't know, I hardly ever write this with an
audience in mind. Most of the time I'm just rambling on to myself and
so when someone tells me they read what I wrote…it's awkward.
Anyway, it got me thinking about the guards and I think sometimes I'm
too critical of them. I think it has to do with having no control over
your own life so it's natural to have a bit of resistance to them.
True, there are some real jerks (same can be said of the inmates,
too), but you know, there are genuinely nice people who work back here
and are just doing their job. I can say that a good majority do treat
us like humans and so long as no one's trying to hurt anyone or put
their job at risk, we're really not yelled and barked at that much. I
get frustrated with the lazy ones because I want to get out of this
cell and do much of what they don't want to do myself. I don't know if
this makes sense or not. But say I get frustrated if I can't get my
shower because a guard is just sitting around and knows it irritates
us to wait…I get more irritated because I wish I could just walk to
the shower myself. Truth be told, as far as actual TDCJ ad-seg
policies are concerned there are things I do every day that could
warrant being written up, but I don't get a discipline caselike when
you don't shave for two days, or I leave my cell without picking up
everything off of my floor or off of my desk. I've never had a guard
get onto me about that. I know when I was in general population the
rules were very strict. My point is there are some nice people who
work back here. It sucks being an inmates, though, 'cause you'll never
be an equal (at least in the eyes of the system).
I think there could be some serious changes to make life better for
both the inmates and the guards, and this building could use some
serious work done on it. The irony in all of that is we're all locked
in our cells having to deal with the conditions when if you allowed us
to get out of our cells and clean and keep this place up, more than ¾
of the guys would gladly volunteer to do it. Without complaint.
So goes life on death row…
I have no idea how I went to rambling about all of this. Sorry!
I just started reading a horror novel called Night Life and here in a
bit I'm going to listen to "Seinfeld" and "Family Guy." Ever since the
antenna got zapped and then fixed, I've been listening to the station
that plays them more often. I burnt out on Jay Leno. That guy lost his
funny a long time ago. Though, I'll always be loyal to Conan O'Brien.
Geeze, I just wasted your time with a bunch of nonsense. So sorry
again.
Peace.
10/30/07
Man, today was really nice. I went outside and was able to play
some basketball and actually won (barely). I took the tie at 11 games
to 10. We had three games that went overtime, with one of those games
going all the way to 25. We were playing a little different today. You
had to win by two so that made us work a little harder to win. Most
people play first to get ten points. It was quite refreshing and
hopefully this will give me enough kick to stop being so lazy.
I changed my diet today, also. I decided to get taken off of the
vegetarian tray. I am just so sick and tired of beans and peanut
butter and jelly. Now, don't misread me. I'm still a vegetarian. The
regular trays have far more food and I plan on eating around the meat.
It's the only way I'm going to be able to eat healthy because it
seemed the trays I had been getting had been getting progressively
worse. Beans and bread. That was it. I just wish I had better options,
but in this place I don't. Maybe things will change in time.
Later on this evening I plan on listening to "It's the Great Pumpkin,
Charlie Brown." It's a tradition I've been trying to keep. A way of
staying in touch with the kid I once was. Whatever happened to that
awesome Garfield Halloween special that used to always come on? The
one where Garfield and Odie run into the pirate ghosts. My favorite
line in that was Garfield saying, "Candy candy candy candy candy!!" I
used to run around our house and drive mom and dad nuts with that.
I can still remember my very first Halloween. It was strange. I had
been with my adoptive parents for a few months. Before we went out
trick or treating we ate something that had macaroni in it and I
remember that Stevie Wonder's "I just called to say I love you" song
was on. Then I remember going to the living room to get ready and my
parents had the Disney channel on and they were playing the scary
devil scene from the movie "Fantasia." I can't remember much else, but
every time I hear that Stevie Wonder song I'm always taken back to
that very memory.
Peace.
|
|