Randy's Journal (November 2005)
Note to readers of these entries: There are many
grammatical, punctuation and typing errors. It would be incredibly time
consuming to go through each entry and correct the mistakes, so I ask
that the reader please forgive me of these errors. Each entry goes
through several hands in the process of getting my words from death row
to your computer screen in a timely fashion. Thank you for your patience.
I hope you will enjoy my writings.
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September sucked as I had established previously. The month of hurricanes and heart break (Hey, that sounds like a good title for a song!) October was a bit better, but it went by way too fast. Things between my wife gained a little momentum and my life didn't seem as bleak, and now November has just started off strange… First, I can't believe it is November. I mean, Thanksgiving is just around the corner. In 20 days. Where is the time going? Have I entered some sort of time warp? I'm rambling… Anyways, today our section was gassed. What I mean is that one of the inmates decided he was tired of putting up with the way things have been run lately that, when he went to recreation, he refused to come out of the dayroom. The riot team came and used some sort of pepper agent to "pacify" him, then they run into the dayroom tackle and beat him into submission. Unfortunately when they use this gas it fills up the whole section and we choke and gag and sneeze and cough in our cells. If they turn on the air ducts it usually only lasts about 30-40 minutes, but it sucks while you wait. I recieved an awesome letter from my wife which really lifted my spirits, but I still don't really know what's going on between us. I hope, of course. But I don't want to get my hopes too high. I still have a guarded heart, I guess… |
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Didn't I say this was weird month? We got gassed
again today! Another dude felt like he wasn't going to come out of
recreation. What is going on around here? I have to say - they beat
this guy pretty bad. He came out and his whole face bloody. When I see
that, I get pretty pissed, because a riot team is like 6 line backer
size guards against one man. Plus they're in full protective gear. Not
much of a chance of an inmate hurting one of them. Overkill if you ask
me. They used some sort of yellow gas today which was really bad. I'm listening to the "Shout Out Show" right now on KDOL Radio. I'm waiting for an e-mail from my wife. The station will read e-mails from their loved ones, if they send them into the station. It's really wonderful, what they do for us guys on death row. The weather has been unseasonally warm for fall. We almost hit 90° today, which makes no sense. This is my favorite season, and we're not even having a true autumn. I miss Kentucky autumns. I really do. Wow… That was very beautiful message from my wife, almost brought some tears. She's such a wonderful person. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve her love. They just played my favorite - one of my favorite cure songs "A letter to Elise" right now, too. This song brings back so many memories, good and bad. I remember recording this with my friends on a tape. I did the keyboard parts and sang it. There was this real horrible cover version of it we did where I added a whole bunch of "La, La, La's". What was I thinking? Anyways, I just heard, that my friend and mentor David and Susan would be coming next week. I can't wait! I'll have to write all about it. It will be the very first time to meet Susan in person. We've been writing for about two years now. She is a close friend of David. After I first started writing her, I learned, she used to be a Harvard professor, a senators wife (now divorced) and a once successful author - now retired (yes, her last name will remain a mystery). I was kind of overwhelmed and didn't feel worthy of some like her to be writing me, but now she has become since a very close friend. Unjudgemental and very loving. If everyone in this world had her heart, we wouldn't have the problems we do in this world. That's for sure. David is the same way. I'm excited to finally talk to her face to face. We will see how it goes! |
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Saturdays suck. Boring. Boring. Boring. |
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Today has been kind of busy. I've got to wash my clothes for tomorrow, as my friends will be coming to see me. I call this my chore day. Clean my cell and get caught up on writing. I need to finish part three of my little memoir. It's the hardest part to write, because so much happened in those following months. I probably could write a whole book out of those months. Drugs, getting kicked out of school, living on my own, going back to school, getting kicked out again, breaking up with Theresa, ending up in a homeless shelter. On and on. I have to decide, what I want in and what's okay to leave out. Sometimes I really hate writing. I will listen to the second part of the Shout Out Show today. The Sunday edition. This show is more religious oriented. Right now I want to take a little time to discuss my views… I will probably piss some people off, but, oh, well. I'm 100% liberal. Sounds ironic for a guy, who is on death row, right? I like to think I'm progressive and I feel, that in the past few years our government has taken us about 30 years back. I believe in pro-choice. I believe, that gays are equal and should have the right to marry if they want to. I very much believe in God, but also believe in evolution (it would take me forever to explain that one…) I'm very much for saving the environment, ending oil drilling and finding a better source of alternative energy. I'm against Wal-Mart and all that it stands for. And I'm seriously considering going vegetarian. Oh, I forgot to mention, that I'm totally against the war in Iraq, too. I'm a Jew, who doesn't believe in the way the Israeli government is treating the Palestinian people and so on. Did I mention that I was a liberal? If you are, too, I highly suggest a few shows on KPFT in Houston. You can listen to them on KPFT.ORG, if you want, and they have an archive for old shows and programs. I love the program "Democracy Now", which comes on at 9 a.m. and a repeat at 6 p.m., central time. Also, on Thursdays each week, they have two wonderful programs, which I love. The first is a two hours show, called "The Progressive Forum", which runs from 7-9 p.m., and then "The Other Side", which runs from 9-10 p.m. If you're liberal, you will love these shows. Holy! I just got the strangest email from my friend Josef, who puts together my web site. He said, Theresa sent an email!?! How freakin' weird is that, especially since I just wrote that open letter… Did I mention this month has been very strange?
I wonder what it said? Man… I can't imagine it
being anything positive after what was said about me in that
transcript. Man, my life never has a dull moment. Hey, they're playing
this song by The Cure called "Treasure", such a sad beautiful song!
It's off of the "Wild Mood Swings" album. Laundry is drying now. My day is complete. Good night! |
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What an awesome visit! Susan is too cool for words. I admit, I was very nervous, I was afraid I would just lock up and not know what to say, but we just took off talking about everything. She was everything and more! Such a burst of spirit and joy. David seemed to be really enjoying her presence too. They were making all kinds of jabs (loving jabs) at each other; it was funny. I'm really excited about tomorrow. C'mon… You've got to be kidding me! Someone else was just gassed in the day room next to ours. Nuts! I can smell the gas, but it isn't too bad over here. What is going on around here? These guys must be really upset over something. I just don't know. |
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Another wonderful day and visit. While it is usually the day, I would see my wife, and I missed her terribly, I really enjoyed David's and Susan's company. Such wonderful people. One thing about Susan I love, is her sense of humor. It can be quite dark at times - which best describes my humor at times, but I've held back for a long time, because I'm always afraid, it will be taken out of context or misunderstood. I guess because of where I'm at and what I went through in my trial with having a lot of things taken out of context and misunderstood used against me. With Susan I saw, that I could let loose and I liked that feeling, so maybe I'll be doing that with some things here. Boy, my typing is really sucking the big one right now. One thing David and Susan told me they wanted more out of this site was the little things that go on at Death Row. I argued that maybe it would come across as whiney, if I were to talk about every little thing and or complaint, and they said, that as the reader it would be important to let them know all the small details, that go here, because it makes the place more realistic. They're the big time writers, so I will take their advice and try to do that. One thing I really wanted to do each week, was maybe spot light a particular person on Death Row, tell their story. It's very important for me to put a human face to this place, because we're seen as monsters and sub human, when there are a lot of people here, who are very kind and loving and giving. People who admit their wrong doings and ask for forgiveness or those who were products of their environments. Abuse, genetic predepositions, alcohol and drug abuse. Some who had never ever experienced love, who had never been shown love or told, they are loved. I have so many ideas to make this journal so much more than about myself.
Did I mention, that The History Channel has asked
to do an interview with me? I filled out the paper work to do it and
should happen sometime this month. I really don't know what the topic
is. I hope it's not sensationalizing the whole Texas thing. I would
rather much tell my story, than talk about the great escape. I guess I
will see and keep you posted. Just keep your eyes out for me… I guess that does it for today. I am pooped. |
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Today is another hot day in Texas. I really don't know, what's going on with the weather around this place. I just know I want some autumn like weather. I'm tired of the heat. Why did I ever leave Kentucky? Sometimes it becomes an obsession - to work with something using my hands. If I had sculpting clay, I'd probably start sculpting. Anything, as long as I'm using my hands. Weird, huh? My dad would trip out, if he knew, I can half way work with electronics now. He's an electronic engineer. Today I wanted to give a few prison food recipes. Making a tasty, yet really cheap meal. My two faves are the chili spread and the tuna spread. You can do this easily using your microwave or a hot pot. I use my hot pot.
The first recipe is the chili spread. Heat up some boiling water and place the Ramen noodle in the water. Leave sitting until the noodles are fully cooked. Microwave your chili also. While these are cooking, chop up the pickle and jalapenos. Find a large bowl and place the noodles into the bowl, add season pack from noodles and mix up the noodles. Add all of the other ingredients into bowl and mix until it's done well. Now scoop the meal into the tortillas. Voila! It should be enough for 3 people. Trust me, it's very good.
Now for the tuna spread. Boil water and place the noodles into the water until fully cooked. Chop and mix everything up into a large bowl. Now add the tuna and corn chips, then the cooked noodles. Mix well, scoop into tortillas. Eat. Delicious. Should feed 2 to 3 people. Trust me. This stuff is good and perfect for a snack or meal on the fly and at the most it shouldn't cost more than 3 bucks or so. I one time had this crazy idea to open a restaurant that served nothing but these types of meals. Can you imagine? You would cater to college students…You'd make a killing. The possibilities of all you can do with Ramen noodles is endless. Maybe I'm just crazy… I wanted to take a moment out to make a plea… It's getting close to the holidays, and these times are always difficult for inmates in general, whether they're on Death Row or in general population. I'm asking that anyone who reads this to reach out to someone. In any state, Death Row or not and just send a card or letter of prayer or hope. You don't have to give your address to them or even ask them to write back. Just let someone know they are being prayed for or loved as human beings. Your card or letter could open a man's heart up. You just don't know. You can't change the world all at once, but if you try to show love one person at a time, it could go very far to making this world a better place. I really don't know how you would obtain someone's prison address other than looking at your state's or any state's prison web site. They should give a list of all of the inmates incarcerated.
Also, the radio station KDOL is doing an "Adopt An
Inmate's Child" program. You can send a gift to the station and they
will make sure, some inmate's child or children will recieve those
gifts for the holidays. You can find out more by getting the station's
web address on my site: Happy Thanks Giving!!! Almost time for the "Shout Out Show"; I still need to get caught up on some other stuff, while I listen to the show. I suppose I'll end today's entry on that note. Thanks everyone, who keep up with this journal. I'm not the most interesting person in the world, but it means a lot to have you visit and read this. Take care! |
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Sigh… Another day in this place. I'm sitting here listening to the alternative rock station "The Buzz" (Check it out at "thebuzz.com"; you can hear what I hear!). Right now the song "Juice Box" by The Strokes is on. Awesome song, awesome band. So what happened today? I went to recreation at 6 in the morning. I wasn't really feeling it today – especially that early, but I went anyway. Exercised and then listened to these yahoos spit out their hatred to each other. I'm not on the Death Row section right now. I'm amongst the normal inmates (Ha. Ha. Normal…), and each time I'm on this pod, I realize how much I hated being around these people before I escaped. All of their hate and racism and gang crap. The negativity drives me nuts! Believe it or not, it's not so bad with the Death Row inmates. There's negativity, but generally everyone gets along with other races. You have a few, of course, that don't like Blacks, or Whites or Hispanics, but all in all it's not so bad. If the state kills me, this is one thing I will not miss. Hate and racism. Yesterday I heard a song I haven't heard in ten years. "Oceans" by The Cure. My friend Josef e-mailed the KDOL station with the mp3, and when I heard it I was sent flying back to the summer of '96. I had the single "The 13th" by The Cure on CD, which had this b-side. I was obsessed with this song. One female I met in Lexington loved this song too. She asked me why I like it so much, but I couldn't say. It's one of those things I'll allow to remain a mystery. It said so much about my life at that point in time; but you know what? Whenever I was doing LSD, it was the most annoying song in the world! Actually, I found all of The Cure songs annoying when I was tripping. My favorite band in the world. Nuts. They haven't passed out mail yet. I'm waiting for a letter from my wife and for a few other things. Mail is always the high point of any week day. Just to know people are thinking of you and sending their love. It's always good to know you're not lost to everyone out there. I suppose that does it for today. Later… |
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Today is usually my visit day, but Mary couldn't make it.. Things financially haven't been all that for her right now. If she wasn't caring for someone else who is being very selfish right now, it wouldn't be so difficult for her. If I ever feel useless this is one of those moments, because I feel I should be able to help in some way. Without sounding chauvinistic, I believe that as her husband I should be taking care of things in a sense. Doing my part. If I had a way to help out financially, a job or something, it would be better, but I can't do anything. The chances of selling any of my writings is next to nil – besides to be honest they really aren't that great anyways, and I refuse to cash in on my so called "Infamousy". I can only hope that when I finish my novel maybe – just maybe – I'll have a few biters. If I ever finish the damn thing. I have so many plot twists and back stories going I don't know how to untangle the knots. I'm thinking about stripping away all of that and getting back to the premise – a boy, who tries to find his place in the world, and his misadventures. (Yes, it could be argued it's about me only told back in the Wild West…) Or I could turn it into a series, which would free up the story and give me a little space, but committing to a series… I want to write too many other things. I've got an idea for a play, I want to write a screen play and writing a graphic novel – the project I'm most excited about… lf I can find a good enough artist, who can listen to my instructions. Not an easy task. I'm obsessed with the graphic novel medium as an artistic expression. My friend, David, turned me on to a series called American Splendor, by Harvey Pekar. Brilliant. So many things I want to do so little time. How did I get away from what I was writing about… Yeah, so I wish I could help Mary with all that she's going through right now, and it bothers the F*@%#! out of me, that I can't. I'm amazed, though, at her strength. She deals with and puts up with so much. Including my situation – yet somehow manages to be as loving and sweet to me. She remains patient. Things haven't been perfect lately. Far from simple, but somehow our love manages to keep going. I hope, she can make it down for a Thanksgiving visit. That would be very nice. |
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Today I heard something on the radio that just irked the hell out of me. It came from one of the morning DJs, and they were talking about some program for inmates in another state that allows them to build motorcycles, and then have them sold for charity. A noble cause, you would think right? But this ignorant SOB says, "Well, to me that's a privilege, and they should be punished, not allowed to do something cool like that…" Then this caller calls in and says, "Oh, I agree completely. Why should these rapists and child molesters and murderers be allowed to do something like that, they need to be punished." Okay, so this is Texas and it's a back woods state. I'll take that into consideration, but what people fail to realize is one, most prisoners are in here for drug related offenses… Not everybody is a rapist or child molester or murderer. Most inmates are minorities, have no educational background and come from poor families. Most can't even read. I've taught people to read and write back here. (Well in general population) You need to have programs that teach job skills. Whether it's building motorcycles or cars or furniture. Whatever it might be. If you just lock someone up and don't give them something positive to do, the odds are, when they get out, they will go back to the only thing they know. It's a big problem in Texas because of that mentality. There is no true rehabilitation. I can honestly say that I had I not been put on a years long waiting list for college I may not have considered escaping. I was allowed to take one course in Economics, but any required courses were out of the question. I had nothing constructive to do. Nothing to truly get involved with. Of course, I don't fully blame Texas, but you see my point. In the ten years I've been incarcerated I've watched Texas strip and strip away all of the programs, that could help someone. I don't know why we can't follow other states examples of trying to end recidivism. Plus, I don't even think, people who get sent to prison for minor drug offenses… so long as they're not violent offenses, should be in prison. There should be counseling and drug rehab programs in place for this. Speaking of Texas in general, another thing about this state, that pisses me off, is the fact, that 75% of the voters just voted for the constitutional amendment banning gay marriages. I guess people aren't really equal after all… What does some say to that? As a society we can't even stay married. "Oh, it's a union between God…" Okay, so ban divorce. Let's make adultery a crime (It says you should be stoned in the bible for adultery…) If two humans are in love, who cares? I mean, you look at marriage in the bible and some of the patriarchs had several wives… These people are such hate filled idiots that they didn't even see the underlying factor as to why the Republicans wanted this amendment to pass… No more common law marriage. Yep. Gone. Whoosh. Right out the window. No benefits, no tax breaks. Gone. See, part of that amendment states, that a marriage will only be recognized as so, if it was church or state sanctioned. Nope, don't think a church will recognize a out of wed lock scenario. It's too "Sinful". I don't know about you, but I'm fed up with this self righteousness. Argh!! Randy is now stepping off of his soap box. |
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Today is my brothers birthday. Wesley. I haven't heard from him in a long time, and I really miss him. I beat myself up a lot, because I could've been a better brother. I think I was a good brother, but not as good as I should be or should've been. Wesley and I are biological brothers, but we are also on two different ends of the spectrum. He was the more aggressive one, me the easy going one. He had his friends and I had mine. To be fair, when he did want to hang out with me, I would push him off, but I just chalk that up to being a teenager. I didn't mean harm by it, but now I feel guilty. Regardless, I did and do love him very much. I was very protective of him. It's the classic, I can pick on him, but you better not touch him brotherly way. I just really miss him a lot today. In other news I recieved a letter from Josef, my friend, who puts together my web site. Along with his letter he sent the e-mails Theresa wrote me. I'm still kind of speechless. They weren't mean at all and well, I actually feel like things have been sort of resolved. I feel peaceful about all of that. That's the wonderful thing about forgiving others. Even when it's so hard to do. I know I'm not the easiest person to forgive, because I did a lot of messed up things throughout my life, but I try to be a better person, not by words, by actions and deeds, and being forgiven by those you've done wrong, only inspires me even more to be a better person. I think every person on earth is redeemable in some way or another. After all, isn't that the essence of God? Forgiveness and love? Who cares about all the rest? I'm far from a religious person, and I generally shun those who wear religion on their sleeves. That whole self righteousness, attitude. But I believe in faith and love and forgiveness. I believe God has a greater part in our lives than we give him (or her) credit for. And I really don't think God cares, if we're Jewish or Hindu, Christian or Muslim. As long as we love each other. Ah, I'm rambling. I just feel really good right now. Happy Birthday, Wesley. Your 25 today, and I love you so much, li'l brother. I'm sorry… |
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Music. Music. Music. I've been listening to Rice University (KTRU 91.7) all day today and I'm loving so many great bands right now. Death Cab For Cutie. The Decemberists. M83. The Fiery Furnaces. Blonde Red Head. Franz Ferdinand. I'll have to make a list out of all the bands I like. It irks the heck out of me though when I go to the buzz and they're not playing any of this stuff. Mainstream rock generally sucks. Plus, they just play the same songs over and over. You can literally go to any station on the dial and hear a particular song on every station. Hold on. Damn! I forgot the "Shout Out Show" was about to come on. Gotta turn the dial.
Okay, so I'm sitting here listening to KDOL now.
What a wonderful program! If anyone, who's reading this, wants to
check it out, listen one of these days on a Friday or Sunday. Fridays
at 4 p.m., central time, or Sundays, beginning at 2 p.m., central
time. This is what love and forgiveness is all about. –
www.fm96kdol.com – I usually get a brief message from my wife, my
friend Josef – who now sends a voice recording, which is very cool.
And my friend David. Mary calls the station on Sundays to send me a
little sunshine, too. Just hearing that sweet voice each week… Well, I'm going to sit back and relax and listen to the messages. |
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Today is not one of those good days. I feel like yelling! I went to get a hair cut earlier and, well, you know, try to look all good for when my wife comes to visit. Big Smiles. I go to inmate barber, which is basically a small room with a sink and chair inside. Plus, two guards standing on the sides of me in case I pull some sort of Bruce Lee kung fu move and bust out of my handcuffs (They do this with every Death Row inmate). I sit in the chair, and the inmate asks what kind of hair cut do I want. I tell him, "Don't worry about the top. Just give me a number one on the sides and back and just blend it into the top…" Simple. I sit still as the barber does his things, the guards staring at their shoes in pure boredom. Mind you, there's no mirror, so I can't really tell what he's doing, but it feels okay on my head. He shuts the clippers off and wipes the hair off of my neck with a towel and the guards lead me back to my cell. I think everything is just fine. Wonderful. Just got myself a nice hair cut, feeling kind of sturdily… Then these inmates on my section start laughing. "Damn Randy, that dude screwed your hair up big time…" I laugh back, thinking they're just teasing as that's what we all do when a guy goes to get a hair cut. I laugh back, "Yeah, yeah, I hear ya'll. Ha. Ha." I get into my cell, look into my mirror and to my horror see that the dude really did screw my hair off. There were plugs of hair gone on the sides, and he scribbled a few lines. I groan, realizing, that all I could do now, was just take a razor and shave it all off. To the skin. My neighbor came to the rescue though. He had an old electric razor with a clipper guard on it, so he let me borrow it. I basically gave myself a buzz cut – which is still bad enough, but at least I'm not a skin head. Mary hates when I cut all of my hair off. Ah, to hell with it, I'm going bald anyways. Might as well get used to it. |
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Today has been a good day- with one little anomaly.. I had an awesome visit with my wife. We talked and laughed, ate some cup cakes together… Our plan was to get something "Thanksgiving" themed to eat together, but they were out of everything, so she picked out some sort of vanilla cup cakes. I was silly as always, making her laugh. One thing I can't get out of my head that she said was, she could noticeably tell I'm a more mellow person. I was kind of taken aback with that. I guess it's because I used to get agitated and frustrated really easy. Not with her, but with the guards and inmates around me, and she says she's noticed that I don't seem to be bothered that much. Plus, I'm a lot more loving and open. I hadn't really noticed, but even my friend David had said something similar before. I guess we really project things we don't normally see ourselves. I was making Mary laugh and smile so much she told me her face was hurting. I'll take that as a good compliment. Now for the anomaly. Ugh… It was time for us to go. Well, actually the guard on my wife's side said we had five minutes left. Then this female guard on my side said it was time to go. Now, this female guard has flirted with me and come onto me before. One day when she was taking me to the shower, she grabbed my shampoo bottle from my hand and told me to beg for it back. When I told my wife this, Mary would stare daggers into the guard, whenever she sees her. So, I'm thinking this was an act of jealousy. I politely tell the guard that the other officer said we had five minutes late, c'mon, it's Thanksgiving… She says, "Well, happy Thanksgiving. Tell your wife to leave." This pissed Mary and I off. My mellowness went out the window. I started to back talk and refused to tell my wife to leave. Mary and I sat talking until some other guards showed up to take me back to my cell. I said goodbye to Mary, and she wanted a kiss on the glass, so we did that. Then the guard said, "Ya'll are nasty", which pissed me off even more. All the while the guards still bumping her gums. It kind of soured the goodbye. What a crazy world, I live in. |
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Happy Thanksgiving! I can't believe it's already here. What I found myself in pure astonishment about more is that the last "real" and "free" Thanksgiving I've had was back in 1995. I was in Louisville, Kentucky. I remember I was staying at a Milton hotel. Then later that night Jim, Theresa, me and some of their friends went to see Mortal Combat. How do I remember this stuff? * * * * * Well, we had a good meal. I can't believe some guys back here actually complained about the food. There was nothing to complain about. Two cookies, two pieces of pie, peas salad, cold slaw, two rolls, turkey, a pork chop, corn, mashed potatoes, stoughing, cranberry sauce, gravy… It was much more than I could eat, that's for sure. I suppose what gets me most about people complaining is that there on folks on the streets, hurricane victims, people in other countries who would consider that the biggest greatest meal of their life. My condition, being on Death Row, may be bad, but imagine starving, dying, because you don't know, where your next meal may come from. You have to count the blessing, you have, and be grateful enough, that you live in a country where prisoners can eat so well. As hokey as that may sound it's the truth. I think back to going to school in Kentucky… We all used to whine about how awful the food was, but really it wasn't too bad. All the salad you could eat, chocolate milk, tea, a full meal. I'd take it if it was offered to me in a heart beat. As a society we take so much for granted. I listened to the "Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade" on the radio. |
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Today, I was out in the day room walking around,
when a song popped into my head. Actually five of them. I asked a guy
if he had a piece of paper and a pencil, so that I could jot down some
lyrics. Instead of the guy just saying "sure" he hounded me with fifty
questions. So I had to explain that I needed to write down the lyrics
to a song that I just came up with in my head. He then says, "Well,
you can't remember it until you get back to your cell?" Friday has been pretty boring, if you can't gather that. |
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Today has been very slow. It's raining outside and it's kind of humid. Nothing is on the radio worth listening to. But "Glory" is on later today, so I will try to catch that. It's a civil war movie. An all time fave. Oh, and a Pixies concert is on tonight. I definitely have to catch that.
I think I'm going to get to writing on my novel.
Right now I'm rewriting a few chapters. Charles' horse, Sugar Pie,
died, and Charles is dealing with her death, but I stupidly had him
attacked by a band of Indians, while he was going through his
heartache… I'm going to focus on what the death of his horse means to
him. Touch up with a thought on the relationship that humans share
with animals… I've got something brewing in my head. Hmmm. I've got
papers laying all over my cell. I'm a mess. Okay, that does it for today. |
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85° and it's nearly December. What the heck is going on around here? Today I worked out in the day room. Jogged for about 15 minutes, came in and ruined all of that by eating a butt load of cookies. I couldn't resist myself. They were these macaroon coconut cookies. If I could verbalize the expression Homer Simpson does, when he eats donuts, I'd do it. COOKIES! I LOVE COOKIES! It's the small things in life now. Simple pleasures that bring a smile. If I could roll around in a big pile of cookies, I would. Right now I'm listening to the "Shout Out Show". I just heard a massage from my friend Josef. He sent another song I haven't heard in years, that I'm looking forward to hearing. "2 late" by The Cure. It's been about 11 years. I was at school the last time I heard it. What did I do with that CD? Well, I've got to get to some letter writing and mail this off to Germany. I think from now instead of sending these to be posted every two weeks, I'll do it weekly. Thank goodness! The weather has cooled down. It's about 68° today, not exactly normal fall temperatures, but still it beats the humidity and warmth. I'm reading a really good book right now called Bel Canto by Ann Patchett. I need to start making a list of books I've read. I try to read at least 50 pages a day, if I'm not too busy. When I'm not busy writing I will/can complete a novel in a day, day and a half, if it's really good. I would guess in the past five years I've read hundreds of books. I know in county jail I wasn't near as busy as I am in here, so I was reading a book every day. I had read everything I could get my hands on. I was even reading the hack jobs. Koontz, King, all of that stuff. I read all of the Harry Potter books, The Lord Of The Ring books, all of Anne Rice's novels, all of Tom Clancy's novels. I was a reading machine! Now, I may get two books knocked out a week. My writing takes up most of my time. Then you take in account of magazines and newspapers, that get passed around. You won't believe who pulled me out for a shower today. The guard that gave me a hard time in visitation last week. She acted like nothing happened. Trying to flirt and joke around with me. Even calling me by my first name. (They address us by our last name, or are supposed to anyways…) After the third time she came by my cell, I had to say, "Stop playing with me, you disrespected my wife. I got nothing for you." I should've held my tongue, because I could've gotten in trouble for back talking, but it was getting on my nerves. I can't stand two faced people. It tests my patience. They came up with this stupid new policy now, where Death Row inmates can no longer eat boned chicken. How retarded is that? Apparently they've been studying the Home Land Security book of improvised weapons and feel that we will sharpen the bones into spear tips or something. Uh, it's not the 18th century anymore. What's so stupid is that they allow us to have shaving razors and all kinds of metal objects, blunt objects and other items. Apparently those aren't considered dangerous… Stupid. Here's another thing that gets my goat: We're supposedly the worst of society. Beyond redemption. Dangerous crazed, mouth foaming maniacs yet… They allow more woman than male officers to work Death Row and also, elderly people to "guard" us. It makes no sense to me. I suppose we're not as dangerous as the jurors, who sent us to death feel we are. |
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Today was a busy day. Some good news and bad news from my attorney, and then my wife came to see me around 3:00 p.m. It's always nice to see my attorney. I believe fully in his abilities and devotedness to helping his clients, even when he has been appointed by the state to help. I believe he handles about five or six cases on Death Row in their appeals. So today he brought the news that my trial judge was stepping down from the bench to run for the district attorney of Dallas County. You can imagine his platform… The no nonsense judge who tried and sent the "Texas Seven" to Death Row. How wonderful. Sooooo. I get to have my name dragged through the mud again. I know, I did it to myself. Still doesn't mean I like it. The good news is because the judge has decided to run for D.A. I have no judge, and until one is elected, my appeals will sit. I probably just got a free year to my life. I feel like I'm playing monopoly and I drew the card that says, "You have just been awarded one free year on your life." Woo-Hoo! Well, I'm cashing it in, baby. Mary came and was looking as gorgeous as ever. She has on this really nice dress. I don't deserve what I have, but I'm blessed. It was a really sweet and loving visit, and I'm glad that things are back on track with us. I love her so much, and she puts up with so much… I don't know where she finds her strength. I don't think that people understand that she's not some crazy groupie chick. Yes, plenty of them wrote me after my initial capture, and maybe it boosted my ego a bit to be called fine and sexy and all that… And I can't lie, I fed into it early on, but I wanted more. I still felt empty, but I was afraid to allow myself to love someone. When I first met Mary, the thing that stood out the most was that she was real. She accepted me for who I am, flaws and all. I fought falling for her. I really did. I fought and fought. Ultimately my heart won, and I gave in. Later on the subject of marriage came up, and I was like no way. I couldn't do that to her, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. And then that happened, too. So, it wasn't like I just hopped on the first female that came my way. I was prepared to go through this alone. I flaked and skitzed early on in our marriage and pretty much tried to jump ship. It was pretty cowardly, I didn't even talk to her about it. Just one day I took her off my list and said, that was it. Of course, I realized I was being an idiot, and we worked it all out. I'm just happy that for now things are really looking good for us and I love her so much. It'll be a great holiday season. Hmmm… I just came up with an idea for a short story. I'll have to write that tomorrow. Mail just came. I recieved a wonderful, poetic email from a visitor to my site. It really moved me. It touches me that there are such kind and loving people out there all over the world. Even when things appear on the surface to be so dreary and bleak. We haven't all lost our humanity. Thank God for that. |
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Woke up freezing my buttocks off. The air cut off
in the middle of the night, and it was about 34° outside. You have to
realize that these cells have no insulation, so when it's hot, the
cells become giant pizza ovens. When it gets cold, they become giant
freezers. Kind of reminds me of the rooms at the school I went to. Today has been pretty slow. I've been working on this short story I came up with last night. I don't know how to describe it other than saying it's a love story about death. I'll probably be moved out of this cell in a short while, so I need to tidy up. Peace. |
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HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Drawn by an extremely bored Randy. *Smile* (To enlarge click the pic) |
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