Today has been a long one. It seems as I inch closer to my level 1 status time is stretching and expanding and it slows down. I wish I could climb into one of those hyper slumber pods like in the move "Aliens" and sleep until my time is over. Or, I'd be cool with being cryogenically frozen and thawed out once my time is up on level 2.

I tell you what, I'm about burned out on peanut butter and jelly and here's the bad thing- I think they've been cutting it/stretching it out with syrup. It has a syrupy taste to it. A little too sweet and oily, really. Rumor has it we'll be off of lockdown on Monday morning. I am looking forward to going to recreation.

Right now, at 9:39 p.m. it's kind of chilly. It's a little loud on the pod but everyone seems to be in good spirits. Beats being depressed. Though, I wish I was listening to my political shows on KPFT. Every Thursday night I would listen to "The Progressive Forum" from 7 p.m. - 9 p.m. And then the best liberal talk show on earth, "The Outer Side". Just a little under 3 weeks to go.

Not much else to report today. I s'pose I'll close here. Sweet dreams and good night.

"The universe is transformation; our life is what our thoughts make it."

Hmmm…Where to begin today? I had a visit with my ex and it was surprisingly wonderful. It started off kind of sour and she’s none is happy about the MySpace scandal (yes, it even was in the Dallas media with my name front and center more on that in a bit…) And we talked about many things, but once we got the majority of our ‘issues’ out we had a good time. I just wanted to make her smile and laugh- which I think accomplished =) And I left with a smile. I feel I can finally move forward and we will be able to salvage a friendship. I mean it’s been over a year of torment and heart wrenching…I felt at peace.

So, I was told about how even Dallas was making a big deal over nothing. I guess what bothers me the most is they brought (media is scum!!!) the police officers mother into the mix to see how she felt and I was told she was crying and saying that because of my site I’ve victimized her. It truly breaks my heart to hear that because I’m so much about compassion and forgiveness. For remorse so, for those who have exploited this an sensationalized this- shame on you.

And I’ll say again: I have nothing but regret and remorse for the people I’ve hurt in my life. I am truly sorry. But, I’m not a killer. I wish that night would’ve never happened with all of me. I’m sorry it happened. I’m sorry I wasn’t more vocal and forceful in saying it shouldn’t happen (the robbery) but I never expected anyone, nor wanted anyone to be killed. I did not pull or shoot a gun. Whether only one to be killed. I did not pull or shoot a gun. Whether anyone wants to believe me (even though I’ve shown more than enough proof in my documents on my website) that’s up to them, but I know my heart. And yet still…I am so sorry.

All I’m trying to do is tell my story and show that a vengeful death is not the solution. If I’m to be murdered what does it prove or solve? I don’t know…All I can do is say I’m sorry. I don’t want to make light of why I’m here yet, I don’t want to lose who I am at the core and writing, expressing myself is my only avenue. I hurt, I cry, I bleed, I laugh, I give, I’m human. I only have words and actions and hopefully they speak volumes to the truth of things. I think anyone who knows me knows that I do not live under an illusion. I wear my kindness and heart on my sleeve.

I don’t know what else I can say…

It’s Friday night. I’m kind of worried about Michelle. I hope this whole MySpace fiasco hasn’t upset her or caused her to not write. I don’t know what to do =( I think the last letter I received was post marked almost 2 weeks ago. Craziness.

I guess I’m a little down in the dumps tonight. I’m stressed, conflicted, heartsick…I want my level 1 level. Depression really sucks.

I was thinking today that I’m going to change a few things on my MySpace page. I may even take it to private. I do not like this attention and I feel sure how TDCJ will take it out on me (yes they like to do it when they get negative press) Jesus. I can’t do anything right. I always have the best intentions, but some how they get mangled and back fire.

My neighbor let me listen to his radio last night. How he has a radio is none of my business =) Haha. It was nice to jam out and man, have I been missing some good tunes! His radio couldn’t pick up Rice University, so I didn’t get to catch any good indie songs, but on the mainstream alternative station I was surprised at all the really good songs. A few that stuck out: "Whole In The Earth" by The Deftones, "Here We Go" by Ok-Go, "Beg" by Evans Blue (this song sounds like the cure =) ) And what I felt was the best "Into The Ocean" by Blue October. Ugh. I can’t wait to get my radio!

Speaking of…they made a couple guys level 1 early by a few days, who were unfairly made level 2 on the section I was on back in August. It’s cool, but then it was like, "Hey! What about me?" Haha. I figure they’ll do the same on Monday and Tuesday: bring a few up at a time.

It’s cold and grey outside. Kind of matches my mood. A few weeks ago I mentioned how I thought about killing myself the eve of my trial. I figure I’ll go ahead and purge that incident out of my system and write about it.

I had only told my ex wife about this. I’m not sure why I never told anyone else. Maybe out of shame, or not wanting a pity party.

In Dallas County Jail, they pretty much isolated me from everyone else. I was in a segregation cell, that had a shower inside. So other than going to a visit or court I wasn’t allowed out. They didn’t even allow me to go to recreation or use a telephone. Around my cell, so that I could not see other inmates and to prevent them from seeing me, they had erected partition, effectively isolating me. I could still talk to those who were a few cells down but that was it.

Right around the time of my trial a whole bunch stuff had hit the fan concerning me, Jennifer and my ex. I was caught in the middle of two women in which I had deep feelings with both. I was in love with my ex, but also; I was madly in love with Jennifers children and had feelings for her. I had to choose, but the decision tore me up. I picked my ex. (I’m intentionally being vague here on Certain details- let’s just say I was a jerk and ‘player’ early on. I did sexual things with both- even sometimes on the same day and no I’m not proud.)

It had been a Sunday evening- the eve of my trail when I decided I didn’t want to deal with it. I rationalized they’d probably end up killing me anyways so why not get it over now. So, the few weeks before I began to save up all sorts of pills I could get off of guys in other cells. A mixture of anti-biotics, Elavil (a psychotropic drug), Benadril and others. I guess I had over 30 or so pills.

On Sundays we were allowed to watch a church video. The video ended and the guard didn’t come back to pick up the T.V. The tape rewound itself and the T.V. clicked on. "E.T." the movie was on and so I watched it for a bit. I went to my hiding place, where I stashed the pills and began to swallow a few at a time, drinking water with every gulp.

The guard still had not come back to pick up the T.V. I crawled into bed and pulled the blanket up and began to cry. I thought, this is it. A line from the Harry Potter book The Goblet Of Fire came to mind. "Death is the last great adventure" I was going to find out. I could feel a drowsiness begin to settle in and my mouth tasted sour.

On my wall, above my desk I had a series of pictures and one particular picture of my ex caught my eye. I begin to think about us and what I’d be robbing her and others of. I realized I was making a huge mistake.

I got out of bed and went to the toilet and stuck my finger down my throat to force myself to throw up. All of the junk I ingested came out in a sickening effect. I kept throwing up until nothing else could come.I figured from that point on I’d give it the best fight I could. I had a lot of hope after that. Now, hope comes in spurts. Some days are better than others. I guess…

I want to call tomorrows entry "Illusions". It came from different discussions I’ve had over the past couple of years since I’ve become vocal about being against the death penalty. Much of what I want to write has probably been said a billion times in various ways, and most is probably preaching to the choir anyways, yet I think it’s important to shine a bit of light on this stigma of death row prisoners being "The worst of the worst" of society.

But you’ll have to wait until I write tomorrows entry =) It’ll be a good one, I promise.

Hopefully by next Sunday I’ll have returned to my pre-level 2 routine of listening to KDOL ET. AL., Yes, lord willingly this is my last Sunday on level 2. Woo hoo. I don’t want to get my hopes up too high, but we’re theorizing and speculating the guys who were unfairly level dropped may return to level 1 tomorrow or Tuesday. 2 guys who were along with us, back in August came up on Friday…Now, it appears they’re doing it alphabetically so if that’s the case…I’m next in line =)

Boy, tomorrow is going to be torture just waiting to find out. Again, I don’t want to get my hopes up too high…anything can happen.

Yeeeeeehaw! You can’t really tell right now, but I’m typing on my typewriter at this very moment…It’s 6:12 P.M. and I just found out about an hour and a half ago that I’ve been reinstated back to level 1. They brought my property back to me and most importantly my RADIO!!! Oh yeah. It feels good to be back where I belong.

I wasn’t really sure if today would be the day or not- we were all expecting at the soonest Tuesday or Wednesday, and I sure as heck didn’t think I’d have my property back this soon. I could go on and on about how happy I am now, but I’ll spare you =)

I intended to be hand writing today’s entry called "Illusions", but I can type it up much faster and well, I don’t want to get into such a heavy and serious topic when I’m so giddy right now- don’t want to spoil the euphoria, so I will hammer it out tomorrow. I promise- and it’ll be worth the wait, because it’ll be really good. Hopefully it will open a few eyes.

Today went by really fast. They finally turned on the heat and it feels nice in the cell. Lunch and dinner left something to be desired. I’m pretty hungry right now.

Receiving last nights mail was interesting…I got feed back from the MySpace crap and some of it was good, some of it was bad. It made me think about a bunch of things, because the overall view that I got was people just weren’t really getting my message at all, as far as what my page is about. I wondered how I could use this as an underlying theme to my "Illusions" piece. I’m going to attempt to write this in as simple and cohesive way possible…

First, I’d like to thank those who did send positive messages. As I’ve said numerous times, I’m not looking for a pity party. All I’ve ever wanted to do is help to put a human face on people on death row. I’m not, nor would I want to be the focus. All I can hope is that my story will encourage people to seek out other stories. I’m not concerned with infamousy or having popularity contests.

I’m amazed at those who can read something or hear something and make a snap shot judgment without caring about personal details or facts. They hurl insults and attacks as easily as they could cast a stone. But, if every single one of us were to make snap judgments on every person in the world, we’d really have a warped perception, wouldn’t we. Or, as the saying goes, "If we lived by eye for an eye with everything, we’d all be blind." Or something like that.

Some decided to make a personal attack on me for what I was originally in prison for. Calling me inhuman and basically saying everything I get now, I deserve. Without knowing a single thing about my background, my up bringing, my life (good and bad) and circumstances. Without considering psychological and genetic predispositions. Without considering drug addictions and pressures. But I guess- and I quote- It’s such a shame that a good looking, full of potential type of person, lacked the rational to not turn to violence when faced with adversity. Well, when you’ve lived a life where so called rational people did not treat you in a humane and rational way, maybe you could understand how it might happen. This is not to make excuses, I deeply regret my actions. I’m not angered at all, only saddened that our society is such that we must judge each other on the spot. But, if you truly want to know the things that cased such an irrational- and agreeably appalling reaction, I recommend you reading my memoir "Tumultuous" on my website and every other memoir and journal entry. Read my psychological evaluation.

They go on to talk about why we have prisons and that the people who are in them aren’t possible of change. I can’t prove to anyone of who I am now. All I have are my words and friends to vouch for me, but in the end, as they said God is the final judge. Yet, I think I’ve evolved in my own life to know who I am now and whether I’ve truly changed. And to be quite frank, that’s all that really matters. The same goes with me saying I am not a murderer. I know the truth, regardless of what a juror of my peers decided and regardless of what the media and society might say. Again, those who would doubt, feel free to go to the "Documents" section of my website and you’ll find several papers where they talk about my co-defendants saying I did not shoot or pull a gun.

But really, I shouldn’t be spending time trying to defend myself. Truth be told, and I’ve said this before, death would surely be more acceptable to me than say, a life in prison. It’s incredible selfish, but trust me, if I didn’t have family and friends and love and support- people who appreciate my life, I think I would’ve dropped my appeals long ago, or at least ridden appeals process out until I was killed. I was once very capable of killing myself, so it wouldn’t have been that hard to allow the state to do it. My death would be a lot easier. That’s for sure. But, it’s a cop out in the end, isn’t?

Now to mention the obvious immorality issues of vengeance of justice, of allowing your government to kill people for that matter. They can kill me, surely it’s possible for them to kill anyone else. Innocents perish at the hands of their state executers all of the time. After all, they did kill Jesus…

How does this fit into Death Row being a set of manufactured illusions?

I once half way believed in the death penalty- and no, I didn’t stop believing in it because I landed here. Again, I’d prefer death over life, myself. I felt like many, that it served a purpose of protecting society from the worst people possible, that you kill someone you should die, or at the least some people were just so horrible and beyond change or redemption that they didn’t belong on this earth. This has been a perception that has been spoon fed to us by churches and our government since the time we were born. "Let’s go to war…This culture is below ours and doesn’t deserve it’s place in the world…Communism is ‘evil’…Jews are ‘bad’…Blacks are ‘sub human’…Sinners will burn…Our God is greater than yours…" And so on.

In the U.S. we have the death penalty because the condemned is such a threat to society that they cannot be rehabilitated or redeemed. They’re hopeless and lost.

Let’s enter the house of illusions itself…

******

Okay, I’m going to stop here for the day…Yeah, I know, I’m building up to something I promise…No, really, I have to pause ‘cause I may end up getting moved off of the pod (after three longs months!) and I need to organize and straighten this cell up.

Last night got so cold! Down to about 30 degrees. I got up at six in the morning and then went outside at seven. I was freezing, yet, it’s turned out to be a very beautiful day. Dinner should be coming shortly.

Again, I want to thank all of those who have sent positive comments and even those who took the time to cut me down. No hard feelings. Really. I just suggest you really read all of my writings and then if you still feel the same way, well, hey- more power to you. I only ever intended on changing one persons mind about the death penalty. It’d be foolish for me to think I could change everyones…

The House Of Illusions…

I came to death row the same day I was given a sentence of death by a jury of my "Peers". After being processed in Huntsville, Texas they loaded me into a van in which a corrections Sergeant harassed me, continually asking me where I was going. I knew he knew where I was going and so I ignored him until finally saying, ‘death row’. "Good fucking place for your ass." he spat back at me.

My idea of what death row would be like, once I entered was fueled by scary movies like "Silence Of The Lambs". I thought that once I was there it would be a mad house. People screaming, cursing, yelling like maniacs making threats of death and destruction. I imagined a guy standing at his cell, rattling his door and screaming, "I’m going to cut your goddamn throat!!!" Instead, when I entered B-pod the lights were off and it was eerily quiet. The section lights were turned on and I was told I was going to 8 cell. A few guys, out of curiosity came to their doors, but no one made a single comment. Where are the maniacs, I thought.

The cell door slammed behind me and the section lights were turned back off. I stared at my mattress and linens. A brown envelope that contained my orientation packet sat on my desk. I was still numb and in shock of my death sentence, so I sat on my bed when a guy in the cell next to me called me.."Hey! New dud in 8 cell!" I went to my door and said, "Yeah?"

"What’s your name? They call me Lupe. Short for Guadalupe."

"Randy."

"You one of those Texas Seven guys?" Lupe asked.

"Something like that." I wasn’t really in the mood to tell stories about my escape.

"Hey. We put together a little package for you. Some noodles, snacks and some hygiene. I’m going to push it down to your cell right now."

"No…I can’t accept that. I’m from general population. I know the game."

"Ah, man..It ain’t like that back here."

"Well, regardless, I’m cool. I can’t repay it anyways."

"Say, Randy, look; we don’t want it to be repaid. We do this for every new guy that comes to the row. All we ask is that when the next new guy comes, you look out for him." Other voices chimed in and with sincerity ensured me all was cool. I pulled the little package in, amazed. I thought, this is death row? It was the first sign of some genuine humanity back here.

I have a distinct privilege in the regards that I get moved from cell to cell, or pod to pod each week, because I’m still considered an escape risk. I’ve gotten to meet so many different people, and while there are the fair share of nasty guys, there are many kind people. I could name countless acts of selflessness and compassion. Empathy for others..All things that so called psychopaths and sociopath aren’t capable of. After all, that’s a favorite line of prosecutors- we’re all sociopath. Another illusion.

Throughout my journal entries I have written about some of the kindness in guys back here.

For many reasons, there are people on death row that I feel shouldn’t be here. You’ve got innocents. You’ve got some who have been convicted under the law of parties (guilty by association) when a co-defendant has confessed and made a deal with the prosecutor and the guy who didn’t kill anyone ends up going to death row anyways. You have people with serious mental disorders.

But the biggest illusion is that none of us are capable of redemption or rehabilitation. We have nothing to offer society because we are a so called continuing threat! Yet, don’t these acts of kindness and compassion show that that is a lie? What about people who become saved or find a similar religious path? But when people cry "He didn’t show remorse or ask for forgiveness" and the person does, it almost always falls upon deaf ears.

So, those convicted of capital murder almost always land on death row. Yet, if you just go kill someone for no reason at all and chop up their body it’s only murder and you can go to general population and watch T.V. and get a job and enjoy however much time you got. You’re not on death row, so you’re not as bad of a monster- there’s still a chance you can be changed. See the double standard here?

My opinion of the death penalty changed the day I watched them lead a man out of the van that drives you to the death chamber. It was like a carnival. People walking behind the condemned man (see my very first journal entry from August 8, 2005) laughing and shaking hands. One lady was doing a little dance. This scene has been burned into my mind. I can’t shake it- it was that disturbing. It made me think, "This is who we are as a people? We’ve been on this earth thousands and thousands of years and we still take satisfaction in killing others?" How in the world could I believe in something like that? Over time my views and opinions became stronger. For the first time these illusions had been lifted and I felt I could finally see clearly. I made the move to a life of compassion. I’m not perfect; I get angry and I’ve done mean things, but I recognize that at the very core of ourselves we are fundamentally capable of redemption. I will embrace everyone as a human being. And plus, I educated myself. I began to look inward at myself and my own flaws and applied them to other peoples back grounds. So many things an average person would not take into consideration.

The biggest thing was having a four year relationship based purely on love. Nothing physical. NO touching or contact, just a genuine spiritual connection. I learned a lot through that experience. It taught me that love should be selfless.

I guess the point is, things aren’t always as they appear. You can be sheep and take every word the media says, your preacher or government as gospel- or you can actually try to figure out the truth. Life should be a lesson. But then again, ignorance can be bliss..

A prime example of this is someone who sent me a message full of hate. I’ll call her the Anne Coulter clone, (for looks and personality..) According to her, I’m the poster boy for execution and she’ll be toasting a drink on the night of my execution. Pretty dark heart there. But hey, I can’t be mad at her ignorance. I really can’t (and for grammars sake the proper word is drivel not dribble..I don’t drool all over my type writer to form words..) by angry or expect a sheep to see the whole picture. I do however think it’s interesting that those who support the death penalty lack any sort of empathy, which is a form sociopathic behavior. I can say I feel for YOU. I truly do. Oh yeah, one last grammatical thing- you used too many commas and too many exclamation points =) I’m just saying.. (For those who think I just totally lost it- don’t mind me, it’s for the person that sent me the hate message =) )

Another thing I wanted to shine a little light upon is that if all of us were so evil and such a menacing threat on death row, why then do they have more female guards working back here than males? The ratio is 2 to 1. Most of the officers are in poor shape and could hardly handle a serious situation if one were to develop. They allow pregnant women and really old people to guard us on death row in Texas. You would think it would be like in California or Louisiana, where the guards have to meet a certain weight and height criteria to work on their own death rows. Yet, it isn’t so. And they have yet to have a very serious, serious incident happen.

Things to think about..Being against the death penalty is not a question of whether a person is bad enough to deserve it. The question is a morality one. One of basic humanity..Shouldn’t it be wrong to kill no matter what?

Happy Thanksgiving! Today has been nice. My day started at six in the morning. I got up to go outside for a couple of hours. When I came back in we had our special meal which consisted of a tray loaded with goodies like pie and cake, cookies, deviled eggs, sweet pickles..The main course being lots of stuffing and cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, two rolls..LOTS of yummy food. It’s amazing how you can be at the bottom of the rung and still feel so blessed and loved. I’m thankful for so many things. And while times can be trying, you have to just fight through it no matter what people say about you. No matter what negativity may surround you..I’m thankful for the life I have.

I wanted to say thanks again for the much love and support I’ve received concerning my MySpace page. It’s awesome to know so many people care and have nice things to say. Another thing to be thankful for.

I wanted to respond to a few comments sent to me, I’m not sure if these people are reading this, but I feel it important to answer them..

One of the best questions I was asked concerning having access to MySpace wrote, "…I am sure you will agree that there are some convicts on death row that are not as pleasant as you, do you think it is okay for them all to freely [sic] be allowed on here knowing there are some young kids surfing MySpace??"

To answer this, I will have to agree that there are some people who probably shouldn’t be on the site due to content and such, but saying that there are also free people who have racist pages up, or sexually graphic things up. There are people who prey on young children. I can only speak for myself when I say that I go to great lengths to protect young minds, and while my ‘message’ is about compassion and love, I still will not approve anyone under eighteen as a ‘friend’. I did try to have a screening process to keep what I thought might be weirdos or wackos off my page. I do not appreciate those are vulgar and or would condone the death of a police officer. Even on my own personal website, when I write about a past experience that might be sexually descriptive or full of bad language, I give a warning and some passages can only be accessed by asking my webmaster for permission to see them. So yes, I am very concerned about the influence of young ones.

But over all, I am very anti censorship and believe strongly in our right to free speech. Unfortunately, some times people abuse this right.

Again, I do not have access to the internet, so I rely on the kindness and dedication of friends who have helped me have a voice. I don’t use either sites as a form of manipulation to get legal or financial help. Not even for pen pals. If someone does write, that’s fine- I try my best to respond, but can’t guarantee I would. I’m really picky and despite my overt openness in my writings, I am a very shy and private person. I write out of what I feel is a necessity. For personal therapy and also to hopefully enlighten people.

Thank you very much for taking your personal time to read my thoughts. Sometimes I don’t have much to say, sometimes I say too much. But I am thankful. We’re all not bad people back here. ANYONE is capable of change.

I’ve been kind of scattered brain lately, so if my writing hasn’t been very coherent, I apologize..So much drama! I’m telling you, there’s never a dull moment in my life.

Today wasn’t a bad day at all. Though, I’m a little frustrated right now, because I’m still waiting on a shower and it’s 7:45 P.M. At seven this morning a guard woke me up to tell me to get ready for a shower and so I did. Crawled out of bed, shaved real quick and grabbed my shampoo and soap when…The guards never came back.

After an hour passed I hollered at the guards, "Hey! What’s up on my shower?" "Oh, we’ll get back to you…" Of course they never did. Then, I was called out for a surprise visit from an old friend in which I hadn’t seen in sheesh, over fifteen years…

It was crazy stepping into the small booth (okay, it’s a cage really) and actually see him and talk to him. Though, a very positive experience and we didn’t lack for conversation…We’ve sort of got a big writing project we’re working on together, that I’ve kept real hush hush in my journal because I don’t want to appear like I’m bragging or whatever, so until it’s finished it will remain a mystery. All I can say is now having talked to him about it in person and tossing around ideas I feel it’s going to be awesome in the end.

Still, seeing someone after so many years, someone who lived on your same street and actually played with…and have them talk to you like none of my bad history ever happened or matters…It’s surreal. Though, immensely important that I could be seen as a human. I can’t wait to hear what he thought of the experience.

I was a bit worried about my friend David, though. We had planned for him to come down on Wednesday and Thursday, but with this visit- I can only hope Justin was able to get ahold of him. But I don’t fault him at all…The prison actually gave him some misinformation so hey, crap happens and like I said I had a really good time.

I can’t begin to explain how good it feels to be treated as normal. I was talking to Justin explaining to him about how I’ve got these signs on my door. I call them my scarlet letters. There are four tags, each one with two letters. Then, posted is a bright neon green sign that explains each tag. So, the tags read as follow: SA (Staff Assault) SR (Security Restraint) HS (Hostage) and ES (Escape). They designated these letters to me and the other Texas Seven guys because of our escape back in 2000, regardless of the fact that I didn’t personally harm anyone in the escape. But, I have to carry them around for the rest of my natural life. Whenever a new guard is working on death row and they see the signs they always look at me with trepidation…You can see the weariness in their body language and read it in their eyes. They look at me like I’m some sort of beast in a cell. It really bothers me when they do this.

I watch as their eyes look up at the tags and back at me, up at the tags and back at me…Sometimes I just shrug my shoulders, sometimes I’ll say, "Don’t believe the hype." Yet, deep inside of me it hurts like you can’t imagine because I know they don’t see me as human. Sure, over time the uneasiness leaves after they see my true nature, but still it’s that initial snap shot judgment that bothers the heck out of me…

Maybe I feared that with Justin. But honestly once we got into a conversation it was as if the glass didn’t exist and it was two guys just talking. As I said, it’s nice to be treated as human. I think people would be surprised at how normal I really am.

As I wait on this shower I wonder if I’ll have any mail. I sure do hope so. Hopefully no hate mail either. That would spoil a good day =( I suppose we shall see.

Guess I’ll close up here and wait. Man, I wonder how many days of my life I waste on just waiting when you calculate all the minutes and hours…Sheesh.

Man…I don’t even know where to begin this entry. I received some very disheartening messages last night in the mail. And I don’t even know if my MySpace page is still up. Still unclear of what’s going on there.

Anyways, I thought I’d respond to a few of them. First, I’d like to explain something…Just because I was found guilty of the murder of a police officer, does not mean that I am in any way anti-cop. I can say that I did not kill anyone, nor did I want anyone to die or intend for anyone to die. I wish I could go back in time and change that night. I really, deeply do. I look at my foot and it’s a daily reminder of that night. Someone asked of commented that it seems it doesn’t bother me. When, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I ache, I am truly sorry that I was involved in an escape that led to that night. I have asked for forgiveness over and over…Yet, I don’t know what else I can do or say. It falls upon deaf ears. I try to live by actions now, because a person can say anything. I’m disgusted that the media has made such a big deal about all of this, when it was never my intentions to open any old wounds or put anyone through anymore pain. I didn’t actively seek out for friends on MySpace and I didn’t brag or gloat over my so called infamousy. I tried to be as low key as possible. All I wanted to do was promote a message of compassion and peace.

Most importantly, I am so sorry for the officers family. If I have to die for my decisions and actions in my life, so be it.

I have the utmost respect for the police officers. A close family friend of ours was Chief Wayburne. He taught me karate and boxing. I rode around in his police car as a kid. He was my brothers baseball coach. He came to visit me at school in Kentucky. I had and still have genuine love and respect for the man. And while he may not towards me, my feelings never changed. I believe our police serve a critical function in our society. I believe they are heros. So, to be considered a cop killer or anything remotely sinister or anti-law…It hurts me deeply. I don’t know what I can do to prove this.

I’m really shaken up here…Kind of at a loss for words…I did want to say that to whoever is going around calling me a "Baby Killer" please stop. Those are lies and very cruel. I’ve not attacked anyone on the net or made unfair or cruel claims, so please stop.

To answer someones question, they asked about what I thought about guns and if they should be controlled…Well, our constitution gives us the right to bear arms…However, this was written in protection in case a government (Such as England in the revolutionary War) acted against it’s own citizens…That being said, I’m pretty anti-gun. I find them disgusting and if it weren’t for the constitution, in which I firmly believe in, I’d like to see them banned. Even as a child, guns never fascinated me. So yes, I’d definitely like to see more gun control.

I guess over all, it just bothers me that there is so much hate out there. I love this country, I love that I am American and the fact that at one time in my freedom I enjoyed the American way of life, but it really bothers me that our society is so unforgiving and can be, I don’t know, very back woods at times. We live in a country that boasts being the most civilized and most humane, yet we have the most prisoners locked up in the world. We still execute people.

Someone wrote me and said they believed that the death penalty was a deterrent because by killing the killer, they can no longer kill. Yet, when you give them life without parole, doesn’t that prevent the same thing? And while Texas still leads in executions, the murder rate only goes higher…Texas will spend millions to execute someone yet, the state is 49th in education. Education in itself could be a deterrent.

The religions of this country are founded upon love and compassion and forgiveness. Christ’s own teachings are the same and we have so many people who go to church on the weekend and then throw their religion into the backs of their trucks or SUV’s and forget everything the preacher just preached.

I know I’m rambling here and my head is really messed up right now, I’m just trying to say that the true deterrent is compassion. Plain and simple. When we can offer this and begin to truly understand our human selves, then we’ll get somewhere.

I never tried to baffle and bullshit with my story. It is what it is. I don’t ask for sympathy or pity. Just forgiveness. I’m brutally honest in my writing and I will always be, because I owe it to myself and to those who take the time to read my stories and thoughts. I’m under no false illusions concerning my appeals. I will more than likely lose and I will die. I have no choice but to accept this reality. Until then, though I can only hope to open some eyes and hopefully show that people do change. I’ve never asked for anyone’s help, only forgiveness.

"To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life." - Robert Louis Stevenson

Today has been relatively quiet. I went outside just after a rain storm. It was a little humid and grey, but now the storms have passed and it’s very nice outside. I’m hoping to get a shower any minute now.

I thought I would’ve been moved last week, but it never happened. I’ve been in the same cell for two weeks now. I’m surely going to get moved tonight. I sure do hope so. I need to get somewhere else. I’m tired of being on this pod.

I have a little headache right now, but I guess it’s just from stress. Like everything else, it shall pass…

Don’t know what else to say, so I suppose I will close this up for now. Again, thanks to all those who have offered love and support. It means more than you could possible know.

Today has been so stressful…I’m just really at my wits end with everything that’s been going on. I can’t believe the insanity of this MySpace crap. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, yet it is…And now, guys back here are blaming ME for the negative attention. First, I was far from the first inmate on MySpace- there are thousands and probably hundreds of killers on MySpace and I’m 100% mine is the most positive of them all. It was all about compassion and peace…

I’m just so stressed with everything…Whymewhymewhymewhymewhyme…Today I had suicidal thoughts for the first time in a while…Now, I’m cool now, it’s just I didn’t ask for this mess and it’s breaking me down…I just had to have a good crying. I know…I’m such a weak ass dude. Agh.

I was finally moved to C-pod tonight. Man, it’s so nice to get to move around again! See different faces. I love it.

Well, my head is still kind of jumbled and I just don’t know what to write tonight. I’m all messed up…Here’s how I feel, from the song "Into The Ocean" by Blue October: "I want to swim away, but don’t know how, sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean…’

The end of the month is here..Thank goodness. Hopefully December will be better. Right now as I type this, a really big cold front has come through. This morning was about 70 degrees or so. Kind of humid and then wham! It dropped instantly to about fifty and it’s steadily dropping. I had to put on my jacket ‘cause the heats not on. I heard a report saying that it would get down to 29 degrees by six P.M. That is just unheard of for East Texas. Though, I love it! Maybe we’ll get some snow. Now, that would be truly awesome and a nice way to start the month. Hey. One can hope, right?

I’m still a little stressed. I woke up with these little red blotches under my eyes. I’ve never had that before. It was kind of strange. I really need to just get over it all and get past this mess. I had been talking to a few alright dudes and they were amazed at the whole controversy. One guy did bring up a good point. It’s not actually us on the internet. Okay, some of it might be our thoughts and words, but intimately if a friend or family member wants to post something on the web or MySpace and they are free and citizens, why can’t they have that right? By restricting us, essentially they are saying someone free has no right either. And that is a blatant violation of the first and fourth amendment of the constitution. The other argument is the press vehemently defends it’s own right to freedom of speech, so long as it is of benefit to them, but rarely defends anyone else. I’ll give an example: You have the mainstream U.S. media and now you have an American version of the Al Jeezra network, which is a predominately Aram and Muslim voice of the news..I’ve read much in the press about how they should not have the right to be broadcasting in the U.S. even though, the people who run the American version are actually U.S. citizens and even employ white American journalist. Everyone always has this double standard.

As I said in a previous entry, some people do abuse their right to freedom of speech with hate talk and other ill forms of communication, but it is a part of our constitution and is protected as so. When you give into censorship you’re allowing the government to dictate your life. You’re saying it’s okay to take things away and then they take a little more and then a little more..Then one day you’re sitting there scratching your head with nothing wondering, what the hell happened?

Maybe as a prisoner or guy on death row, I don’t deserve to have certain rights. I can agree that when people violate the law or commit a crime against society you fundamentally give up certain privileges or rights as that citizen, but I don’t agree with censorship at all. And the reason is that who’s to say that the littlest things won’t be considered a crime one day and you’re arrested and you can’t voice how you feel or speak against what you deem is wrong or unfair..You won’t have a voice.

Sorry to get on that little tangent. Ugh.

So, I’m sitting here waiting to go to recreation. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get to the section where on of my Jewish friends is. I haven’t talked to him in months! The guard said it was cool to go over there. So I hope so!

Right now, I’m about to open up a new section I’ve been working on for my website called "I am Human". It’s going to be really good and I’m going to give others a channel to show their humanity and life through their own voices. I’ve been collecting poems and writings for a while now and I have to sift through and edit things, then write an intro, but be looking for it on my site. It’s my first time putting on my "Editor" shoes, so I’m excited =) I love a good challenge. I definitely have some very big project lined up for 2007. I’m determined to make an impact and be heard like never before. The latest fiasco has only strengthened my resolve. You can take my life, but you can’t take my heart, soul or voice. It’s always been about love and compassion.