Randy's Journal (November 2007)
Note to readers of these entries: There are many
grammatical, punctuation and typing errors. It would be incredibly time
consuming to go through each entry and correct the mistakes, so I ask
that the reader please forgive me of these errors. Each entry goes
through several hands in the process of getting my words from death row
to your computer screen in a timely fashion. Thank you for your patience.
I hope you will enjoy my writings.
11/1/07
It's really hard to believe it's already November. Today has been
really wonderful. I went to a visit to see my good friend, David. That
always is nice. As we were having our visit I noticed a few familiar
faces from myspace so I have to say hello to those that were visiting
others. I hope it was a pleasant experience. I've written this many
times, but being out of this place for a while and down at a visit is
always emotionally draining for me, but it also is great being able to
just be a human and equal, to get outside of prison talk and not to be
looked down on by some guards… It's a bit overwhelming, but it's a
positive jolt to the spirit. I really wish every guy back here could
get a visit. It makes me feel bad at times that I have such positive
and supportive friends and also a good legal defense. There are men
back here who are ten times kinder and better human beings that I
could ever be and they have nothing.
I was also able to spend about 35-40 minutes talking to one of my
codefendants today. Now, I really don't associate with any of the
others. I hold no ill will or animosity toward any of them. I've just
grown past it all. Well, the one I talked to began as I thanked him
for being willing to speak out on my behalf and telling the truth in
my upcoming hearing. I should also say that he's dropped his own
appeals and is waiting to be executed… So, I said, "Man, I want to
thank you because you're probably going to end up saving my life." He
replied, "No, Randy, what you DIDN'T do is going to save your life."
That touched me. I then told him that I dreaded going back to Dallas
after the treatment we got the first time around. He said, "Randy,
they aren't mad anymore. When I went back they treated me good, fed me
well and I got to watch TV and use the phone. Besides, the drive down,
seeing people, the cars, the trees, that was the best part of all."
We talked for a while and then the guards showed up to take me back to
my cell. I left with the impression that he had found true peace and
that touched me because it only proves my point: Everyone is capable
of redemption. I'm a little teary eyed thinking about it. I mean, he
dropped his appeals and will be killed soon…
Peace.
11/2/07
Another beautiful day and a wonderful visit. We took some really
good pictures that I hope to post soon. It was a nice day. It took
about an hour to get back to my cell and when I did finally get back I
was emotionally drained. I crashed out for about an hour. Later that
evening I went outside. It felt really nice. I love those brisk autumn
evenings. They always bring back memories of walking around Louisville
or Lexington, Kentucky. I don't know why I remembered this tonight,
but as I was walking around and talking to the guy I went out with I
had a memory of a time when I was to meet my girlfriend at the time in
Louisville.
My dad had gone to Oneida to pick my brother up from school for the
fall break. I was still being suspended from OBI and had a small
studio apartment in Lexington. My dad visited with Wesley and we went
to a horse farm museum, then I went with them to the airport. Oddly
enough, this was the last time I ever hugged my father. As they were
boarding their plane I gave Wesley a hug and Dad a hug and watched
them leave. Then I took a taxi to the Greyhound bus station to go see
my girlfriend.
I got to downtown Louisville, called her to tell her I made it. We
agreed to meet at St. Francis of Assisi, which was on Bardstown Road.
I hopped a city bus that dropped me about a block away and I walked to
St. Francis. It was a bit chilly and the sun was setting. As I got
close to the church my girlfriend saw me and came running up to me,
threw her arms around me and gave me a big kiss. We went to the steps
of the church and sat down and talked and she told me about school and
we planned what we were going to do while I was there. As it became
darker the night grew brisk.
I think my brain should be studied for being able to remember all of
this stuff. Haha.
I'm really tired now and I have to get up at six so I should end this
for today. Before I do, though…the American Bar Association has called
for a nationwide moratorium for the death penalty. Man, it's so close
to ending that I can smell it.
Peace.
11/05/07
Have you ever had a dream that was a cartoon? I swear I had a
cartoonish dream last night. Nothing was real. It was like a colorful
episode of the "Simpsons" or something.
Today has been such a slow day. Thank god I've been able to stay busy.
I went to recreation and exercised really good, then I came in and got
a shower right away. These guards working today have been taking care
of business. Then I took a nap, ate lunch and got to work on some
anti-death penalty ideas. A buddy of mine and I have really been
coming up with some great ones that hopefully will come into fruition.
In fact, I highly recommend checking out the budding myspace site (myspace.com/lacadena2007).
He and some others are putting together some really great stuff.
It's been pretty warm today. Snow cones or hot cocoa, that's the
question this time of year. Today is definitely snow cones, though
tomorrow will or should be hot cocoa. Good ol' Texas weather. Never
know what she's going to get.
I'm not really the pop music type of person, but there's this one song
I am really digging called "Apologize" by Timbaland and some other
group. I like the retro feel it has to it.
So, they are finally going to repaint this whole building. A couple of
years ago they began to do it, but like most of everything they do
back here, the project petered out. The only thing that I don't like
about this paint job they're doing is making it like a dark industrial
green. Blech. It's going to look all depressing. It had originally
started out as a nice sky blue, but apparently some higher up decided
that was too mood lifting for us and so industrial green it is. So
long as they paint the cells, that'll be nice. Most of the interiors
to the cells are looking pretty ragged out. Something is better than
nothing.
Peace.
11/6/07
It only took two minutes to flip my world upside-down… Last night I
was listening to KDOL and was excited to hear a call, when suddenly
she told me that someone from back here had gotten hold of her address
and wrote her a very scary letter. I was so shocked and upset at this
news that I began to shake with rage. I mean, a rage I haven't had in
many years. I felt like I was going to throw up. Whoever wrote her
said I was conning her and used vulgar language and I'm just thinking
as I'm listening, how in the world did someone get her information?
I've never ever EVER given out any of my friends' personal information,
nor would I ever do something like that. I'm selfish in a way, because,
one, I don't like to share my friends with people back here, and, two,
there are some bona fide nuts jobs and I just don't trust a single
person enough to tell them to write a loved one. She was so scared and
upset, and hearing her voice just cut through to my soul… I'm really
freaking out over this and have been spending this whole damn day
perusing every possible avenue to find out how this happened. I only
have three conclusions: Either some guard didn't check my name and
number when they passed out mail and gave it to someone in a cell I
moved out of; or someone had someone dig up information via MySpace.
I feel so betrayed by what has happened… I really do make an effort to
fight for these dudes back here whether it's by bringing attention to
conditions or just educating people about the death penalty. I try to
say there are good guys back here and then some asshole attacks my
family? This is what I get in return? People are that lonely and
miserable that they would attack me personally for being kind? Read a
freaking book, listen to your radio! Do something to better yourself.
And the same goes for anyone who would help someone do this. Get a
freaking life.
I sear to God if I find out who did this… I'm still so damn pissed!
I don't want to lose her over this. I mean, she means so much to me
and I'm really worried and scared.
I got absolutely no sleep last night and I just tossed and turned
trying to figure out how this could've happened. I'm worried for her
and I'm worried for us. I truly love this woman and my whole freaking
world slips away in two minutes.
Today should have been a nice day. The weather was beautiful and I
even went outside to play ball. Only I couldn't concentrate and lost
the games and damn near had a panic attack. I haven't shaved and I
look a mess. I'm tired of this place, sick and tired of it all.
No peace for me today.
|
11/7/07
I feel like an FBI agent…I’m on the hunt and I’m getting close. Damn
close to figuring out how someone got hold of a friend’s personal
information. The trail is leading back to two places: C-pod and a
radio station. The two are connected in some way and now I just have
to find the link. I had to call in a lot of favors from guys and it’s
been very fruitful. What’s so scary is that this has happened to a lot
of people back here. It’s just that most of them either ignored it or
dealt with it in their own way. I keep hearing the same stories over
and over…I will get to the bottom of this and I won‘t give up on it
until I know what and how.
Someone suggested that this happened because I was too nice and
passive, and I won’t disagree with that. I’m extremely friendly and I
do my best to help people out. I fight for those who can’t fight for
themselves and I try my best to be a good and honest person. But I do
this because I want to do it, because it’s the right thing to do and
is what I choose to do. I also know what can happen if I let anger
build up inside of me and I explode, and I won’t lie. I am full of
rage right now. This was a personal attack on someone I love and I do
not take that lightly. Would I forgive this person? Yes, I would. But
I’ll make it very clear that they won’t do it again. I don’t like the
way this has made me feel inside. I don’t like being angry, but I feel
it’s a righteous anger.
Today has been so-so. It started off with a surprise shakedown at six
in the morning. I went to sleep a little after one in the morning so I
wasn’t completely tired. The only thing the guards took from me was a
jar of chopped up pickles because it wasn’t in the original container.
It was really nice outside, but it’s now clouded over and grey. I
think we’re going to get some rain. Oh, well…I need to get my cell
straightened up in case I get moved. It looks like a pig sty. I’ve
been so occupied with this drama I just haven’t really given a damn.
Maybe I should be like Frank Costanza on the Seinfeld episode,
“Serenity Now! Serenity Now!” Sheesh.
Peace sort of, I guess.
11/8/07
My head is so screwed up…I ‘m writing without a net and don’t even
know what I’m going to write…I received the letter last night that
someone wrote to my friend and there is no doubt as to who this person
is or how they got her in-formation. I was personally attacked. I have lost the woman I love
and I did nothing but be kind, honest and loving. My mind is in such a
dark place right now…I hate the way that this makes me feel.
After going through the mess of a divorce, I had all but given up on
finding someone I could really connect with on a deep, intimate level.
The odds are al-ways against that happening. I didn’t even expect it
when it happened and while I tried to be guarded about it, I gave in
completely. But honestly, I was happy and content to just have found a
best friend, a person I trusted and could confide in. I told her
everything. I shared with her everything and kept no secrets. When I
was asked about a particular event or thing I always gave a
straightforward answer. I would not have allowed a relationship to go
forward if I didn’t feel the same for her, as she did for me. I do not
have a long string of girlfriends. I’ve had three in 12 years. Do I
write females? Sure, but I have never been anything but honest and
respectful and I have never asked anyone for a single thing. Period.
That’s not who I am. I find value in loyalty and friends. I don’t need
books and money. Visits are nice, but I don’t even need to have that.
I was completely alone when I was in prison and I could have survived,
in hind-sight, alone.
It was never all or nothing. Ever. Nor would I ever disclose one’s
personal in-formation to another back here. I’m too paranoid and
guarded. Yet, I was naïve to believe and trust that it was impossible
for this to happen to anyone. Even after I heard countless stories and
rumors about it happening to others. I wanted to believe it was just a
rumor. Now I know it’s not.
I’ve lost a very important person in my life and I feel so helpless. I
had so much hope for the future. For the first time since I was given
a death sentence I accepted that maybe being alive is better. I had
set goals for the future. She helps
me realize I do have something to contribute to the world—or as she
always said, “God has big plans for you…”
I say: Right now I don’t care if I’m hit by a bus.
Right now I don’t care if I spontaneous combust.
And right now I don’t care if a house falls from the sky—
‘Cause right now, that’s how I’m feeling inside.
Why does it feel like my life is always an uphill battle? Don’t pity me. That’s just the way it has always
been and I accept that.
I doubt I’ll be writing anything more for a while. I need time to
clear my head and figure out where I go from here. I’ll pick myself up
eventually. I’m just pleading…If you are reading this, don’t let it
end. I would accept it if I were at fault, but this was out of my
hands. I’m sorry it happened and I did everything to ensure it will
never happen again. I’d bet my life on it. You know I was true. You
know the love I had was true. Don’t let this ass accomplish what he
set out to do. I would never tell you anything I didn’t believe was
possible. It was never all or nothing. I would be content with ohana.You know, in retrospect I’m amazed that in 2½ days I was able to find
out who did this. I am amazed that so many guys back here have pulled
together so much information that I was able to sift through. I’ll
never know why this happened other than the conclusion that this sad
piece of crap is one miserable dude. But I’m touched that people came
to my aid when I needed it. As shitty as the situation is, I’m only
reminded that there are decent people here and it is a community for
the most part. A couple of guys recently asked if I thought it would
all be okay in the end, and, honestly, I don’t know. I’m still scared
I’ve lost a loved one once again. I pray to God that I haven’t because
I doubt I could ever really believe or romanticize the idea of a soul
mate, because I thought I possibly had it. I thought, whew, I finally
found eternity, and if it’s gone…well, obviously we were both wrong.
Life is what it is and there is no guarantee…but one can always
believe and we can always remain true to ourselves. I know who I am
and I know that I’m true. I know my own strength and I know what I
want from this life. I know that I’ve always wanted to find “the one”
and maybe I will, maybe I won’t, but it will never stop me from
hoping.
I’m rambling. I just want this mess to be over with. I was only ever true and real and it left me
with nothing.
It’s later now and I just had a long conversation with someone who had
a run in with this guy who did this to me. He told me that he was
going on to have his second trial when he was sent threatening notes
saying that he was going to testify against him. Of course this upset
the guy receiving the notes so when he saw him he cussed him out and
said that “he’d get him.” A guard saw this and so during his new trial
the guard testified against him.
During this story I realized that the dirt bag who did this is trying
to bait me, be-cause of the possibility of a new trial for myself. It
all makes sense now and I have a motive. Just call me Sherlock Holmes.
Well, the sucker won’t get satisfaction by me. He may have scared my
girl off, but he won’t mess up my life. I’m not motivated by anger
easily. And I won’t be fool to his manipulations or games. I will
leave it in Karmas hands and Karma can be a bitch. This I know. Screw
him in the proverbial buttocks.
Maybe she will understand now. It all makes sense.
(Trying to find peace.)
11/9/07
Here I am. I said I was probably going to go on hiatus, yet I have
this desire to continue to write. As upset as I still am I feel that
by withdrawing and shutting down I’m only giving this ass more of what
he wants. I feel connected to the pa-per and I feel, even if it’s only
ramblings, that the only way to keep myself from sinking into a deep
dark depression is by writing.
I had a long talk with one o f my neighbors last night and it’s odd to
use this word between two men, but it was comforting. I admit that I’m
surprised at how many people have offered support, words of
encouragement, investigative aid and such. In fact, I had never really
talked to my neighbor before and he said, “Randy, you know we’ve never
talked but I’ve always cut for you. I like how you carry yourself and
it’s fucked up someone would do this to you…”
Yeah…
I decided this morning that while I would not feed into the madness
this man has created among so many I felt I should at least write him
a note to let him know that I know that he did it. I decided to tell
him the kind of person he is.
After that Monday night call I was shaking so bad and felt so sick
that I stopped listening to my radio. My neighbor last night said that
he had actually listened and shortly after I got my bad call someone
else involved with La Cadena (?) called in and said that it has
happened to her, also, but not to let people discourage you from what
your priorities are. Also, this lady said she was sure that I loved my
friend and hear that being repeated to me really touched me so I thank
her greatly. I’m always so touched by random acts of kindness. This
world can be so ugly, so pathetic and sad, but love and true
compassion are never buried. It’s a flame you can never extinguish and
that’s why I will always believe that life will never cease. Humans
can be some real pieces of work, but we can also be wonderful.
I’m in a lot of pain right now and will be for some time to come, but
it won’t let me give up my own personal fight. I would rather not do
it alone, but that’s be-yond my control, I suppose. What else can I
do?
It’s going to be a long weekend. I haven’t picked up a book since this
madness began and I haven’t even listened to much radio. My thoughts
are getting in the way of everything. It’ll probably be like this for
a while. I’m still holding out for a glimmer of hope for one more
chance. I could see if I was responsible for this. If I had actually
personally done something…
I think right now I’m going to lie down and stare at the wall until
it’s time to go to recreation. I’m talking to myself in circles. I
feel like I’m on a loop over and over and over.
11/10/07
Nothing much has changed. I think I’ll just have to accept it
might all be over. I gathered ‘evidence’ and plan on sending it out on
Monday, but it may do no good.
When I went to rec. last night I walked around in circles with my head
down. I had my hopes up in a letter—something, anything to show me
that this isn’t really happening. And I didn’t get what I want.
Someone called out, “Hey, Randy, why the blues?” “Long story,” I
replied and then I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I cried in front of 14
men. I was embarrassed, but I couldn’t keep it from not happening.
When I came into my cell I looked at some pictures from my birthday
visit back in September and I thought, well, that will never happen
again. The realization hit me hard. I had such high hopes for another
grand visit for the holidays, but now…
My birthday visit was one of my happiest, if not the happiest, days of
my 12 years of being locked up. I’m tearing up now as I write this
because in a matter of minutes I lost everything. I don’t even know
why this guy hates me so much! I’m honest. I do so much for people,
and here I am like Julius Cesar stabbed and bleeding on the footsteps
of Rome. Melodramatic? It's how I feel.
I’m making no sense. I’ll admit it.
Tonight is TV night. I think I’ll listen to “Bionic Woman,” anything
to quiet my thoughts.
11/11/07
It’s Sunday morning and sunlight is pouring through my window.
Last night was my first night of complete sleep since Monday. After I
listened to a concert of the band The Arcade Fire I was just so
emotionally and physically drained I crashed hard. I woke up this
morning, said a prayer and got ready to face the day. I’m really
nervous because today or tomorrow night I think I will pretty much
know what my fate is to be with my friend.
You know, I think either I’m cursed or this month is. I just realized
that at this exact time today last year the myspace mess began and
then…in about a week it would make my one year anniversary with my
friend. God, you do not know how much I am hoping that this will all
wash over. I wish I could just tell her that while it was an attack on
her, it wasn’t really about her. It was about me. This dude hates me
and was determined to strike where I’m most vulnerable, my heart. And
every guy back here knows that because of something I wrote a long
time ago was plastered all over the news, “hopeless romantic.”
Last night a weird thing happened before I put on The Arcade Fire
concert. I was channel surfing among the radio stations and the new
song by Alicia Keys, “No One” was on the pop station. Heard it again,
went to the smooth jazz station, hear it again…Passed the rap station,
hear it again! Seriously! In like 12 minutes I heard the song four
times in a row. I thought, “Either the gods are taunting me or it’s an
omen of some sort.” Life is truly stranger than fiction.
All there is to do now is wait—two hours to go…
It’s a little after three P.M. I’ve been a nervous wreck,
but…everything is good! I feel like I’m on the moon
now. Geeze, all of that drama, a week on edge and it’s all good.
My close friend, Josef, called and he gave some good advice. He’s a
very calm, patient and wise man. He said that no matter what, there
will always be storms and we just have to keep on. So…his advice was
to keep the myspace page. So I’ll leave it up to his judgment.
I feel pretty good. On top of the world.
Peace!
11/12/07
Today has been slow. With all of the madness my mind, my every
move had been about finding out who, what when, how and why. I still
have my theories, but at least I know who.
I’m just finally at ease that all is okay. Being in love sucks at
times because, man, it can be painful, but with the right person it’s
worth the tests. It only makes you stronger. Peace.
|
11/22/07
Happy Thanksgiving! I woke up at 8:00 A.M. It was very cold. I'd
say about 47 degrees or so. I peeked out my window and could see how
much rain we got from the previous night. It was quite the storm. I
didn't see any horses at all. So I suppose they've sent them elsewhere
for the season.
At about 8:45 A.M. the guards passed out our holiday dessert trays
which consisted of cakes, cookies and other yummy food. Shortly after,
our Thanksgiving meal arrived. I enjoyed it.
As I ate I reflected on the things that I'm thankful for: My wonderful
friends, my love, my life. I'm thankful that I live in a country where
I'm able to have the meal I had whether or not I'm on death row.
I kept my tradition of listening to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day
parade. I've been watching it since I was a child. I've had so many
different Thanksgiving Day experiences my whole life. I can only
remember them back to the time I was six-my first into my adoptive
family, and that was also the first time meeting my grandpa in
Pennsylvania. I remember lots of snow and I remember being dropped by
my Uncle Mike and having my breath knocked out. Until grandpa died all
of our Thanksgivings were with him. I think we had one in Michigan and
one in Virginia and then we stayed home and hosted for others. When I
was 13 we started spending our Thanksgivings in San Antonio, Texas,
just my dad, mom and brothers, and when I turned 15 I spent three
Thanksgivings in Ohio with my best friend Wayne and his family.
Because I was going to school in Kentucky it would been too difficult
to fly Wesley and me to Texas for three days and then back to
Kentucky. The Thanksgivings in Ohio were always fun. Wayne's family
was a wonderful family and I was always welcome. His grandparents
always went all out.
The last Thanksgiving I spent free was in Louisville, Kentucky when I
was 18. I pretty much remember it like it was yesterday. I woke up (I
was staying in a Days Inn motel) and called my girlfriend. She was
supposed to come to my room early so we could spend most of the day
together (I wasn't allowed at her house…). Her mom picked up and was
cordial. I asked if she could please wake her up. I talked to my
girlfriend and she said she would come over in a bit. She arrived and
I remember we started out watching the Macy's Parade and then the TV
got turned off and we had 'private time.' A funny thing happened after
when we were getting dressed. A maid knocked on the door and I said,
"There's people in here." We were only half dressed when the door
popped open and she looked at us and said, "I'm so sorry!" and shut it
real quick.
We left the motel and went across the street to a Thorton's Gas
Station and made up some delicious one dollar hot dogs. This was going
to be my Thanksgiving meal. We sat outside on a curb and shared our
dogs. My girlfriend had to go back home and have her family meal but
we planned on hooking back up later that night. A bunch of friends had
decided to see a movie later on. I walked Bardstown Road alone, maybe
going into a Kroger's for warmth. Then at six I went back to our
meeting place and waited for her and her brother to show up. Her
brother came carrying a huge plate wrapped in foil for me which
completely surprised me. I would get to have an authentic meal after
all. We went to see the movie "Mortal Combat" and then came back and
everybody wanted to trip so someone scored some acid. I think we all
stayed put until two in the morning. I don't remember much of the day
other than I ended up sleeping in a friend of a friend's home in the
attic. I'm thinking that it got too cold to stay out and I couldn't
make it back to the motel. Not sure…
And 13 years later here I am sitting in a cell. Well, I'm still
thankful for so much. I can't say that my life has been a dull one,
that's for sure
Peace.
11/23/09
Today has been incredibly slow and boring. It's 6:05 P.M. and I
just woke up from a nap. Right after dinner I was pooped so I put on
my jacket, pulled the hood over my head and crashed out. I had a
really strange dream. In it I had a phone in my cell, only I couldn't
dial anyone. When I picked up the receiver I was tapped directly into
my family's home phone from when I was a teen. I could hear my brother
playing and I could hear my mom. I said, "Hello? Is anyone there?" My
brother Jimmy picked up and we talked. He said how much he missed me
and wished I could come home. Then I talked to my mom. Suddenly my dad
got on the phone and was being really abusive in his speech. He
sounded drunk and the mental image I saw was not of my adoptive father
but my biological dad. Really odd.
Well, that scene dissolves and I still have the phone and I can hear
my brothers. My mom picks up and says that she and dad are divorcing.
I say, "Mom, why? You've been married 30 years. That's ridiculous!" I
was very upset. She hangs up the phone but I can still hear her.
That image dissolves and now I'm with my brothers. I hug and kiss them
and that phone is still with me. I can hear my dad drunk and bring
verbally abusive. Next thing I know I'm combing my girlfriend's
daughter's hair, helping them get ready for school.
This dream made no sense, but the phone was always there. Here's what
freaked me out the most. The phone was the very same maroon colored
phone I had in my apartment in Lexington, Kentucky. I can't believe my
brain would recall something from 13 year ago!
Welcome to crazy town…
Well, I'm going to listen to "Rocky IV" at 7:00 P.M. It's been years
since I've seen that one.
Peace.
11/25/07
Still cold, still rainy. It's been a slow holiday weekend, but you
know what? I'm here, I'm alive and I feel all right. So much still to
be happy about and thankful for. It'll all work out in the end.
Peace.
|
11/26/07
I woke up this morning and it was cold! It dropped to about 38
degrees last night and we had no heat. The walls were actually beading
up with a cold sweat. I had every intention of going outside today,
but when I was told it would be first round at 6:30 A.M. I said,
"Hell, no." So, now I'm stuck in my cell for three days. Oh, well.
Last night's cold brought back a memory of something that happened
right before Christmas of 1995. I was on winter break from school and
was staying with friends in Lexington, Kentucky. They said I could
take their car out if I wanted to drive. I did and being impulsive and
without telling them my plans I shot right to Louisville. I figured
I'd follow I-64 into downtown and could get to Bardstown Road easily.
I'd see my girlfriend briefly and drive right back.
Of course my idiot self got lost and ended up on the bad side of town.
I needed directions so I pulled into a fried chicken place and I
realized that I was in the wrong place because the whole front of the
restaurant was enclosed in bullet proof glass. I bought a soda and sat
down at a table trying to get the nerve to ask someone for directions
(I was the only white person in the place). At a table nearby sat a
Black man content with being alone and eating his meal. "Uh…excuse me,
Sir?" I interrupted. He gave me a look that said, "Whose this white
boy disturbing my delicious meal?" He replied, "Huh?" "I'm…uh…sort of
lost and I'm trying to get to Bardstown Road. Can you please give me
directions?" He gave me some roads to follow and I thanked him and
went on my way.
When I got back in the car I thought I'd put it into drive, but when I
turned the ignition the car would start. "Ahhh shit!" I said. I
thought the car battery died because it was so cold. I got out of the
car and said to myself, "You gotta be shittin' me," and went back into
the chicken place and interrupted the Black man once again. "Sir, I'm
so sorry to bother you, but now my car won't start. May I please get a
jump?" He looked at me with that look again and then said, "I'll be
out there in a minute. Just let me finish my meal. You don't need to
be 'round here any longer than you should be…" I went outside and
decided to call my girlfriend and let her know I would be over to see
her in a bit. I got back in the car and decided to give it one more
try-this time putting the car into drive. The engine came to life just
as the Black man came out to help me. I felt so bad that I rushed him
and apologized to him quickly and then drove off.
I got downtown and then took a wrong turn and ended up in an
industrial zone, ran a stop sign and a cop car pulled in behind me. I
was starting to regret this whole trip. I pulled over in front of an
art center and slammed into the curb. To top it off, I had no license.
I pulled out my Texas ID and a driver's permit, hoping this would get
me by.
I rolled down my window for the officer and he asked me for my
license. I quickly spun a story about how I lost it, but here's my
permit and ID. I'm from Texas, my friends are letting me borrow the
car. The officer said he thought he had a drunk driver on his hands
and I said I was just lost. He handed my ID back and can you believe I
asked him for directions to get to Bardstown Road? He told me and
walked off.
I finally made it, but by then it was late. I had to stay over for the
night so I called my friends and made up a story about how the car
broke down and I was close to another friend so they'll pick me up and
I'll be back over in the morning. I was out of control. I met with my
girlfriend. We talked for a bit and then she went back home. I pulled
into a Kinko's parking lot and that's where I'd be sleeping. It had to
be in the 30s and it was so uncomfortably cold I probably only got two
or three hours of sleep. I was such a jackass back then.
Peace.
11/27/07
I'm not sure why, but today I've been down in the dumps. I'm not
really depressed, just kind of lonely.
I was thinking about the incident that happened two weeks ago and
decided that I should apologize to KDOL for being at fault, when in
all actuality I don't know how the creep got a hold of my private
information. I guess I needed something tangible to direct my anger
at. In all reality, despite the rumors, despite how some people feel
about the "Shoutout Show," it's an incredible service that deserves
credit for at least being faithful to guys on death row and keeping
families in touch and I realize that and it's why I sent them a letter
apologizing for my anger and previous statements out of anger. I'm
only human and we all have flaws. So I will continue to support the
show in any way that I can. I'll just be a little more private, that's
all, and I'll keep in mind that envious, jealous, troubled souls are
listening.
I'm still on E-Pod and I actually enjoy where I'm at. It get rowdy at
times because it's ad-seg, but there are some really decent guys over
here. My neighbor, who is from El Paso, Texas, is a riot. Plus, if I
wanted to I could get some really good deals on art related type
items. My typewriter deid on me, so I have to spring for that so no
special handmade cards or drawings this time around. Tomorrow I'm
going to recreation and I'll be out of this bloody cell. It's been
three days trapped in her. Ugh!
Oh, before I forget I wanted to recommend an article written by Jose
Moreno. He was minutes away from his execution when he was given a
stay. He wrote a detailed and disturbing account of his "last day." I
don't know what title it's under, but you should be able to find it
at: lifespark.org/en/echo22.htm
I strongly recommend reading it.
The day is coming to a close and this Jew is going to listen to "It's
Christmas, Charlie Brown" in a short while. Hey, it's a classic! The
sun is setting as orange and purple are against an ever darkening sky.
What a beautiful sight.
Peace.
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