Randy's Journal (December
2007)
Note to readers of these entries: There are many
grammatical, punctuation and typing errors. It would be incredibly time
consuming to go through each entry and correct the mistakes, so I ask
that the reader please forgive me of these errors. Each entry goes
through several hands in the process of getting my words from death row
to your computer screen in a timely fashion. Thank you for your
patience. I hope you will enjoy my writings.
12/3/07
It's December and officially Holiday Season, a time of year I
particularly love and yet today I'm depressed for no apparent reason.
Maybe it's because I keep anticipating going back to Dallas, maybe
it's because I feel more alone than usual. Maybe it's because I wake
up in this cell and think, damn, I'm still in this place? You have
these super-realistic dreams, you're 18 and free and then a guard
knocks on your door to make sure you are still alive, shattering the
world you so wish was real.
I can't begin to explain how bad that feeling is.
I tried to keep my mind occupied today as I have the past few days by
helping guys out on the section I live on, to get their radios working
properly. It keeps me busy and focused. I enjoy doing it. I'm still on
the ad. seg. pod and some people can be difficult to deal with, but
one of these days I'd love to bring change to this environment. I've
got ideas, so hopefully I'll live to fulfill them.
I really don't mind being back here any more as I love to pick up art
work and such for cheap prices, but I have to save my pennies to get a
new typewriter. So frustrating, but necessary because I have an
important writing project. I've been asked to write an essay for an
anti-death penalty book. That's something I look forward to doing.
Then I have a personal project I've put off for years and I think I
can finally write it, though it will probably never see the light of
day.
I really have to set some goals for 2008. I mean, I already have long
term goals mapped out if I win my appeal, but I'm thinking short term,
more immediate goals.
Sigh… Just thinking out loud… These are some of my days.
Peace. |
12/23/07
It's 12:44 P.M. as I sit here listening to the Christmas edition
of "A Prairie Home Companion." It's cold and I'm drinking a steaming
cup of hot cocoa as blue light pours through my cell window. It was
supposed to rain last night, but it's gorgeous outside. You can tell
it's one of those crisp winter days. Perfect for driving around and
checking out all the houses and their holiday decorations. It's been
years since I've done that.
I pretty much avoided writing a journal entry all month long. I just
haven't been up to writing anything, as the past two months have been
emotionally draining for me and to be honest I didn't feel like
pouring my pains and troubles out to the world (some are probably
saying right now-thank God!) and so I just internalized most of it and
shut down for a bit. Not the best of ideas, but I'm feeling better and
item number 5,547 on my things to do in 2008 list is: Stop fretting
over things you have no control over. Of course, I tell myself this
every year and end up doing it anyway so I might as well chuck that
one in the trash bin before the New Year even starts.
Last night I had a memory pop up that I hadn't had in a long time. It
was something I was surprised I had forgotten and brought about by
listening to the movie (Dork alert) "Elf." I thought the movie was
going to be cheesy, but I found it kind of touching in the sense that
Will Ferrels character Buddy the Elf was trying to reconnect with his
father. I ended up missing my own dad very much and thought about
things we had done on holidays and on school breaks, and I suddenly
remembered the very last time I ever saw him in 1995.
I was living in a small studio apartment in Lexington, Kentucky, and
knew my dad would by flying into Lexington to visit my brother for
Family Dad at our school OBI (Oneida Baptist Institute). I decided to
surprise him at the airport and waited on his plane to fly in. Earlier
that year he had a heart attack and I knew he had lost a lot of
weight, but I was surprised to see how much he had lost as he walked
into the terminal. I yelled, "Dad!" and walked up to him to give him a
hug. He looked surprised, but accepted my embrace. "How did you know I
was coming?" he asked. "Wes told me you were coming up for Family Day
so I thought I'd surprise you," I said. "You look good," Dad said.
"Man, so do you. You weren't joking about the weight loss. I can't
believe it."
I walked with him and helped him pick up his luggage and he said he
wanted to get something to eat, so I told him there was a nearby
McDonalds and I would buy. We went to the fast food place, but he
insisted on buying. As we ate we made small talk and he asked how my
girl friend and I were doing. I told him that after the fall break at
OBI I would be returning to school. He told me he didn't think that
would be a good idea, but I hold him I didn't want to get a GED. I
wanted to graduate. He changed the subject and asked if he could see
my apartment. I knew it was a mess and honestly hadn't thought about
letting him see it, but I said, "Sure," and we left to check it out.
I could tell by the look on his face that he knew I wasn't joking as
we entered my small studio. I had junk everywhere, clothing, pizza
boxes, dishes in the sink. "Uh, I was planning on cleaning it up
later, but I've been busy getting ready to go back to school."
"Uh-huh…well, it's not so bad." We talked a little bit more and he
said that he'd stop by again with Wesley after Family Day…
A day passed and on Sunday he showed up. This time I had the apartment
super clean. My dad and brother showed up and I gave both of them
hugs. Dad asked if he could use my phone to call mom. I handed it to
him and we all talked to her. Then dad said he had time to kill until
his flight and asked what there was to do. I told him we could check
out the Horse Race Museum and that's where we went. I remember taking
some pictures with him and my brother and then we went to the airport.
I gave them both a hug and told them to have a safe flight and watched
them board the plane. Had I thought it would be the very last time I
would see him I think I would have held the hug a little longer.
In 1996, as I sat in country jail, I remembered an AT&T commercial. It
was Christmas and a kid who ran away from home goes to a pay phone. He
tells the operator his story and asks if she will connect him to his
home. A second passes and you see a shot of his mother answering the
phone and he says, "Mom? I'm sorry. I want to come home…" Watching
that commercial, I had to get up and go to my cell and cry my butt
off. I wanted nothing more than to be at home. I still want nothing
more than to be home, but even if that's not possible, I wish I had my
family back.
This past Tuesday I had a little bit of good news. My attorney stopped
by to tell me that I would for sure be returning to Dallas in
mid-January. I should be there until February. He said I need to be
prepared for some intense hearings, but I'm pleased that all of this
is happening and that everything that went wrong in my trial is going
to come to light. I feel good and positive that this is going to work
out for the best. I don't look forward to reliving my trial, but maybe
I'll gain some insight from these hearings.
The other benefit is just getting away from death row for a bit. I
need to get away from this place. I need something that will give me a
fresh perspective. Most of all, I think I will be able to clear my
head. While it will undoubtedly be much noisier in Dallas County Jail,
I can use the time away from the radio and interruptions of life here
to think about things, my life and my future. Good can only come out
of this trip.
Here's to hoping for the best…
I suppose I will close this up for the day and wish everyone peace and
love. Times can be tough and depressing, but someone always has it
worse.
12/24/07
IN MEMORIAM…
12/25/07
Another holiday is almost over, and it had a good ending for me. I
watched as the sun set out of my window and thought this had to be one
stressful month! I'll spare you the whining…
The day began with the passing out of the dessert trays. These usually
come first and are usually a Styrofoam plate loaded down with deviled
eggs, sweet pickles, a couple pieces of pie and a couple cookies. Then
they pass out sack lunches that are for dinner. After they pass those
items they pass out the lunch tray and this year we had a roll, potato
salad, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and some roast beef and ham. I gave
the meat to my neighbor and, man, was he happy. I get the craziest
responses when I give meat away, but I'm trying to stick to my
vegetarian diet.
After lunch I went out to recreation. I haven't been out of my cell
for anything but my showers for the past three days, so I really
needed to get out. Depression sucks and I find myself now just trying
to avoid people when I get like that. Everyone just wants to get in
your business. I know it's out of concern, mostly, but… I did listen
to KDOL, though, and received a wonderful call on the radio. It
immediately lifted my spirits.
So, I read the craziest article in the Dallas Morning News last week
that I had been meaning to address. It was pure hogwash. The article
focused on people (mainly women) who write to death row prisoners. I
mean, the journalist really put a bashing on those who show
compassion, friendship or love to us, and while some of what the
reporter wrote is true (such as inmates who take advantage of pen
pals) the bulk of it was just hogwash. The purpose of the article was
the demean those who get involved with our lives. They talked to some
woman who works in the Lake Livingston Motel who was quoted as saying,
"Sometimes when I see people coming to visit these men on death row I
just want to shake them and say, "Are you stupid? They just conning
you!" Of course she has no problem taking these people's money to keep
her motel running…
Other than the stigma of being on death row, I ask what is the
difference between making a new friend in the world or going to a bar
and picking someone up? And besides, there really aren't that many
lovey-dovey type relationships back here. Do they exist? Of course.
Love is found in the strangest of places. Love is love, but most
relationships are platonic. Yes, some do con others by lying about how
much an item might cost on commissary, or they might try to have
multiple 'girl friends', but for the most part I would say that those
who do write to guys on death row or in prison in general are not
stupid or sick. They have a true altruistic spirit and want to help
guys out back here. I think reaching out to a prisoner has to be one
of the greatest expressions of compassion.
The other thing the reporter wrote that is mostly false is saying that
guys trade personal pictures like baseball cards. I've been locked up
12 years and have never seen anyone trade off personal photos of their
girl friends or wives like it's a Topps Baseball card (no gum
included). Now, there are places where you can buy pictures of
scantily clad women for stamps or money orders, and I have seen those
traded like baseball cards, but not personal photos. There are too
many jealous and insecure men back here for that to happen. Dudes
would be trying to strangle each other.
Whatever happened to journalistic integrity? It was a fluff piece.
Garbage. Sensationalistic crap. I mean, why on earth did he close the
article with a story from a warden telling of how he once caught an
inmate having sex with a teacher on a desk? What was the point of that
and how did it even have anything to do with the overall story? And to
think the article was on the front page! That's the mainstream media
for you.
I know, I'm rambling. I can't even tell you the date of the article. I
think it was Sunday, December 9th, 2007 or something.
Agh!! The past month has sucked so bad I can't even get my thoughts
clear.
I was reading something recently and ran across a touching poem
written in the 1500's by a saint named Juan de Santo Matias. The poem
is called "Sin arrimo y con arrimo" or "Without Help and With help."
Without help and with help
Without light and living in the darkness
Everything consumes me.
My soul is in threads.
From everything, something is grown
And uplifted by itself
Into life filled with ecstasy and richness
Only a being God helped.
For that reason it will be said,
The thing I most cherish
That my soul see itself even now.
Without help and with help.
Peace. |
12/26/07
The holidays are over and things are getting back to normal here
on Polunsky Unit. Well, except for New Years, that is. It's weird
because when I go up and down the dial on my radio the x-mas ads just
vanished. No more music, nothing. It's kind of anticlimactic, if you
ask me.
Today was okay. I went outside in nippy weather to play basketball. I
just needed to run off some stress and the holiday blues. I had to
find a sucker and talked my neighbor into it. We played about 18 games
and I won every single one. Though, I don't recommend running in the
cold! The air ran straight through my lungs and I was coughing and
hacking away. When I came back inside my throat was hoarse. It was
some much-needed exercise and I loved it.
An interesting thing happened today that kind of touched me. A guard
popped by to tell me he was quitting. He said, "I'm gone. Hope
everything works out for you." I was kind of confused and asked,
"You're gone?" He replied, "Yeah, I'm quitting. I just wanted to wish
you good luck on your appeals and I hope you get off from back here.
You don't belong back here." He had told me before that he had been
following my case, so I was touched that he would stop by to tell me
that.
It's a weird feeling because many guys here on Ad-seg have said the
same thing, that I don't belong on Death Row and that they're pulling
for me. Now, these guys for the most part are pretty hardened men and
they don't offer good wishes and such so I take them as good omens for
2008. We shall see.
Peace and love.
12/27/07
Madness!!! Someone on E-section has flooded their cell and it
reached all the way to C-section. That's a lot of toilet water!!
That's the second time this week. Apparently the guy who is doing it
is mentally ill and the guys on his section with the help of guards,
also are getting him hyped u p. It really irks me when people pick on
the mentally ill.
Peace.
12/28/07
It's Friday. Man, is this week flying by. I've just been sitting
here going through my property, cleaning and clearing things out for
my return to Dallas. I have to do this so that the property officer
won't go in and clean me out of their own accord. I had to also find
out through the laundry officer how to get my blanket and jacket back
when I return. When I leave for my hearings I have to turn everything
in (even if I'm coming back), including my mattress, my linens,
everything. My property will be searched and then stored. It's kind of
a pain, but, oh well.
I realized that when I do go back to Dallas I'll probably get little
sleep. My first couple of nights will take some adjusting to because
it's incredibly loud, but it is what it is and I take it all in
stride.
I was incredibly saddened about the news that Benizier Bhutto was
assassinated. Hearing the old interviews she sounds truly sincere in
her love for the people of Pakistan. What a crazy world we live in.
Not much else is going on today. The day is winding down and I've got
the radio on. Right now RadioHeads' "Body Snatcher" is on. Damn good
song. Another song I'm really enjoying at the moment is The Killers
cover of Joy Division's "Shadow Play." Sick! (in a good way).
Peace and love.
12/30/07
Wow. One more day to the year. It makes me kind of anxious. Today
started off well. Yesterday was incredibly boring and I just kicked
back, but today I've been moving since the second I hopped out of bed.
Last night I made a friendly bet with my neighbor to see who could be
in the best shape by May. We're both in pretty bad shape so it should
be interesting. I got up and exercised and then cleaned up and did
laundry. Now I'm catching up on writing.
It's really nice outside. It'd be nicer to get out and play some ball.
Maybe tomorrow before the cold front hits.
Peace.
12/31/07
It's New Year's Eve and 9:41 P.M. I'm currently listening to 94.5
The Buzz, a radio station out of Houston, and they are playing the top
94 songs of 2007. The list has been highly sucky, but they've managed
to play a couple of good ones, "Super Massive Black Hole" and "Star
Light" by Muse, "The Heinrich Maneuver" by Interpol, "Capital G" by
Nine Inch Nails, "Tarantula" and "That's the Way My Love" by Smashing
Pumpkins. The rest of the Alt Rock has stunk…
I started my New Year's Eve by listening to KDOL and hoping on a phone
call to bring in the new year, but I didn't get one… Seems to be the
case here lately, but what can you do? I'm kind of tired of getting my
hopes up. But it all gets to my goal-stop getting upset over things I
have no control over. Easier said than done. Here's to hoping the new
year starts better than it ended. I'm tired of being disappointed by
people. Ah, that's hypocritical. I know I'm one big disappointment
myself.
Today was okay. I went to recreation and goofed around, exercised a
bit and came back to my cell and stared at the wall. Lots of fun.
Happy New Year. Peace. |
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